crashingworlds

Sadly, I have to report that the marriage is over. She wants nothing to do with reconciliation or counseling. I admit that she has an agenda of sorts through her actions and her expedience. We have divided the assets on paper and the mechanics of a divorce should be fairly easy. She is moving out in a few days. The past few days have been extremely rough. Emotionally, I am byond drained. Thankfully, my family has been there for me (by phone since we live far away) and they have been a constant course of comfort. I am mentally prepared for a wonderful relationship with my sons and look forward to seeing them often. I know they will have a tough time handling this so I'll do whatever it takes to make it smooth. Otherwise, wish me luck!

Nothing really new to report. She does seem to be talking in more of a "may we can/maybe we can't" mode rather than "definitely divorce." I am just drained from being in limbo. I can't eat. I'm tired. I know, I'm whining. She has said several times that people don't change. I'm still not sure what is a marriage breaker that needs to change, but regardless, people DO change! Is she just looking for excuses? I really have the impression that this is more about satisfying her wants. She wants something and maybe she can't even put her finger on it, but she wants more than she has. I think we all go through those spells, but how do you help someone back to reality? We don't have a bad life and certainly not a bad marriage. For some reason, it's just not enough. She still oves me and says so. She's still attracted to me. She's still affectionate to me. I do appreciate the replies and no, I'm not really expecting someone to have all the answers. Just venting and hearing your ideas helps. Thanks.

Hi Penny, I'm so sorry for your pain. You express yourself well. One thought comes to mind. I want you to remember "Don't put a permanent solution on a temporary problem." We're all had bad relationships, the kids that give us fits, times when the world is caving in, and more. I've been through it too. Penny, taking your life is not the answer. Some day, although far away as it seems now, that daughter is going to want her mother. She will need you to listen to her troubles. She will want you to help with her first born. She will need the stability of knowing mom is always there. Think of some major problem you had last year, or ten years ago. Is the problem still there? Does it matter as much? You are not a bad person. You have just backed your way into a corner and the easiest solution is only appealing because it is easy, not because it is the best one. There is another way. There is help. Reach out. Call your relatives. Call friends. Talk to them. Sometimes just a good ear is all it takes to bring out the sunshine. Good luck.

Thanks for the replies and Bethany, I think I mistated my case for you. I was never using the kids. I was only letting her know that marriage may be one problem but divorce would present another set of problems. She couldn't just walk away from here and everything would be perfect. It would ultimately be a joint decision. We are talking just fine and strangely enough, carrying on like normal. We share the house and family. We talked about dinner tonight. We are affectionate in bed, but there is an edge to it right now. She says she loves me but is just not sure. I think time will help most of all, but I have to calm my nerves. Instead of creating arguments with her, I vent here. Is that OK?

I just joined to state my problem and read others. I too have a first love. After 35 years apart, we found each other and have a wonderful fiendship now. Let me state it correctly: We have very strong feelings for each other that just resurfaced and surprised us both. But we respect each other's lives and marriages and have kept our distance. The lesson here is that you cannot live two lives and expect either to be complete. Do your homework. Your true love is the brass ring, the golden chalice. She is the epitmoe of everything you've ever dreamt. And I mean DREAMT! She is the image of what you want and a few passionate moments over the years seem to secure that. BUT! That doesn't make a marriage or a relationship. You have a wife who is lost in the relationship with you. She doesn't want to talk about it because she doesn't know where it is and doesn't want your version of the truth. This woman loves you, despite your problems. Your true love is a vision. Your wife and child are real life. It's like that line from City Slickers when the gruff cowboy says he was in love once with a woman whom he only glanced at from afar. Billy Crystal said that wasn't enough. Jack Palance (the cowboy) said it was for him. What he meant is that the relationship would always be perfect. You have a perfet relationship with your tru love from afar. Sharing the bed and the bills and the bathroom change things. Give your wife and child every courtesy and chance they deserve. The only way to truly stick to one course of action is to "as the express goes" murder the alternatives. No, don't murder anyone! It means eliminate the true love from your life. Write her a note and say this is what I have to do to be any good to my wife or to you. And then, set her free. No more contact.

Thanks DN, good advise. I read somewhere that joint custody makes a lot of people rethink divorce. Yes, at this point, she has stated how she wants the world to be and it "appears" to be her choice. I can basically have the house and almost all possessions, she just wants some furniture and the kids. I didn't think it was the right time to argue so I didn't say anything. But today, just in a quiet conversation, I let her know that she couldn't just leave with the kids. I have every right to them as well. She believes a woman only loses custody if she is an unfit mother. I know otherwise. Uniquely, I helped a friend do a lot of researc h on the subject not long ago. I didn't know I'd need it myself! I only said this to jar her perfect world mentality and let her know it wasn't going to all be her way. We didn't have a fight about it, but I have quietly planted the seed. Just for information purposes, I have found out that one spouse can file a legal document that prevents the other from leaving with the kids. It's like a temporary custody order. I believe one party has to file for divorce first though.

Thanks for your reply. A little background at this point may help. My wife's family members are all impulsive people. They say whatever they feel, especially with each other, and blow up worse than ever. Once it is out of their system, they are back to being family again in a few days. I've heard them dog-cuss each other with f'ing this and f'ing that. Unbelievable! So, when my wife and I have had some arguments in the past, she finds it easy to say, "well them, let's just get a divorce." That was the extent of it in the past. It was said in the heat of an argument. It's been said many times but we always make up. I have asked her repeatedly to not use that as an option. I am taking care of myself but my nerves are shot. If I had to gess (because she will say that she's told me many times) what problems she has with me, they would be 1. That I am "too" private - family business and finances are kept within the family. 2. We are sexually incompatable (although we have great sex). She says it always hurts afterward, yet she is always pleased during (I'm trying to say this delicately). We are in our mid forties and probably have sex four or five times a week. Incompatable? 3. She says I am too hard on the kids. I have always kept the bar raised high and set a high expectation. The kids, in turn, have always achieved it. They almost always make straight A's, are active in school and church, and are lovable kids. I am a VERY attentive dad. We do the homework togehter, and the projects, and I attend the school activities. I make it a point to spend time with them every day. I know the rule about loving more than disciplining. I'm not making excuses, I'm just saying that my methods and hers are obviously different. I believe here that she would let happen whatever happens with the kids in school. I'll go more into that if asked. 4. She has mentioned several times that we should file bankruptcy. I don't agree. First, we always have the option to get out of some immediate debt. We could sell our vehicles and chop over a grand a month off our bills. We could our house although I believe that would be a mistake because new houseing costs would be greater. Again, she's looking for the easy out. People tell us that we do more together than any couple they know. I think she has seen the easy life that someone we know has and thinks walking away from her problems will make for a better life. To me, going through these problems from time to time are just normal life issues. Anyone could lose their job. (The company I worked for went out of business and her's merged with another. I found work right away but she took six months.) We could have had any number of other issues. People deal with them. I have asked her to get a medical evaluation. I believe she is either going through a mid-life crisis or is pre-menopausal. Again, not trying to pass judgment or blame, just exhausting all answers.

Greetings to all ~ Recently, my wife informed me that she just doesn't want to be married anymore. She says there are things about me that just can't change. She will not specify them so I am lost. I do not want a divorce. We have both been married twice before. We have now been together 12 years and have two kids, ages 11 and 9. Yes, one child was born just over a year after we were married. What I want is advise on how to salvage things, but at the same time, how to do the right things. I want to protect myself and my kids. We had good jobs and amassed the debt to match it. We had money to spare each month. We both lost our jobs in the last two years and struggled for a while finding new jobs. Now we have them, but struggle every month to pay our bills. Our income is less than before and it takes every penny just to pay the monthly bills, not to mention the back-payment where we are a little behind. No, not seriously behind. At most, one month on a few things. The money issue and the constant credito phone calls take a strong toll on my wife. We've had our share of fights and most is about her son/my step-son. He is another story, although he and I get along fine now. We had years of struggle. He controls and manipulates her to no end. He is 16 now. If you lined up the who-does-what with the kids, I do just as much if not more for them. I get them up, I get them fed, I get them dressed, I give them meds, I make their lunches, I help with homework, I get them in the tub, and I put them to bed. I am a very loving and affectionate dad. Until this year and my new job that is further away, I took them to school. Now, she does that job. I think my wife has lost respect for me due to the financial side and has fallen out of love. A wise friend told me that marriage is only a matter of love and esteem. It makes a lot of sense. I know relationships over time fall in and out of love. That is normal and the honeymoon cannot be sustained forever. I think we have been through that a few times. I have advised we go to counseling. She doesn't want to do that. Again, I understand that once people feel they can no longer hold that level of love and esteem, they see no ability to get it back. Any thoughts of counseling seem useless. Has anyone had any real success using them? One statistic I read said that a high percentage of couples who go to counseling still get divorced. So, any thoughts of what is next, how do I get her to seek help with me, or what I should or should not do legally? She hasn't moved out and won't for some time. We have time to work on things but for now, she doesn't want to and is determined to get a divorce in a six months. She wants to wait until the kids are out of school in the summer. I believe we can get through this but am not sure how to pursue it. I don't want to push but I don't want to let the chips fall where they may either. The truth be told, she has thought of divorcing a few times over the last five years, but things would heal. It was never taken to this extreme. Is this just a normal relationship or is it destined to fail? I really love my wife and cherish my kids. The thought of loosing any of them scares me to death. Sorry this was so long.