Get her back after a mid-life crisis?

[yoley]

My ex and I met over 4 years ago and hit it off right away. She's now 42 and I'm 39. She's has two teens from a previous marriage..they're now 18 (girl) and 16 (boy).

 

We moved into a new house with 14 months. It was all good..life was grand. I paid the mortgage and the truck payments, plus the major bills and she paid for the groceries and smaller bills. I never did want the huge house or the SUV, but I did it for her and the kids.

 

Slowly, Health and mental issues started to pop up. Intestinal, stomach , esophogus, spine, back migraines, bowels, early ostereoperosis..and physical and sexual abuse from teenage years (which I didn't know about) started to affect our sex life. Pain every night before bed, pain every morning. Sex was lackluster and infrequent. She couldn't sleep. She was very irritible all the time and always mad at me for no reason. She didn't kiss. She didn't hold hands.

 

She has very low self esteem as well - didn't finish high school, while I finished two degrees in University (more on this later) She always felt the need to wear provocative clothing to her sons soccer games , to the hockey rink and just about anywhere else. She also had a tendency to stare at other men, just to "see if they're looking at me because I don't like it". Out at parties, she would deliberabtely ignore me, because we can converse later. Her greetings with other men were cheerful, and for me..unemotional.

 

Her job was downsized, forcing her to go from job to job, each paying less and less. She lost a sister in-law, her brother and law lost a hand, father had a heart attack, they lost the farm etc etc.

 

Son started to have problems in school...arrested...failing etc etc

 

She kept saying "Ok hit me again". She fell into a deep depression , had two breakdowns and started to take Paxil (which I think changed her).

 

Regardless we managed to take the kids with us on vacation to the Caribbean and to San Diego, plus other small local trips. Any suggestion of a trip for just the two of us was accompanied by "the kids are coming too". The only time we actually went away together was for a romantic weekend, paid for by me. Throughout the weekend, she was furious at me because it was a surprise , and she hates surprises.

 

I started to wonder about her motivations in the relationship, as she continuously reminded me that the kids always came first, and my finances were continually being jeopardized, but at the same time she didn't feel motivated to really seek any full-time well -paying employment.

 

Additioanlly, about 8 months before she met me she also walked out of a previous relationship, and told me she only stayed with the guy for the last year because the kids needed a roof over their heads. She told him she loved him but didn't mean it.

 

With all the health issues, naturally, I tried to be patient but weeks of intimacy sissues between us turned into months..and if anything happeneded physically, it was robotic like on her part..eventually compeltely stopping. I still supported her though through all of her health and mental issues, and tried not to push her too hard in finding employment - because she doesn't like to be controlled (All the men in her life have tried to control her)

 

Stress on her side built up with all the things goign on, and our finances really started to dwindle with huge credit card bills.

 

I always thought...we can just get through all this, and then we'l be back to what it was like 3 years ago.

 

But the stress was insane at this point now for both of us.

 

Things got physical one night, we were both hammered ...I pushed her after she accused me of stooping her from gettign closer to her now deceased sister in-law...which was completely false and a cold-hearted attack. Nonetheless, I did push her...no excuse for that..sought councellsing right away..and apologied profusely.

 

We readjusted ourselves after that..and even with little money we had, we managed to try and get out just the two of us every now and then. Things seemed to be geting better slowly.

 

A old single girlfriend comes along, starts taking her out more, and buyign her things. Before I know it, they're hitting the singles bars and her girlfriend is telling her to keep me home. She's having fun great..but our relationship seems dead except for the occasional hug and peck on the cheek, aside from the fact that we still do talk about things.

 

Then one day, just after our 4th anniversery (which she forget, like V-day) I get hit with the "I think I'm going to die" and "we need to split up" followed by "I love you" and "it's not you, it's everything in my life"

 

Then the accusations out of the blue "you don't listen to me", "you always talk down to me", "I feel so unimportant", "and you're always trying to control me". Completely untrue. I'm not that type of person.

 

So I take off for a 3 week stint at a planned family reunion. The same night we split up, I call her from my family home late rthat night and she tells me she already moved on. I find out later through cell phone bills that indeed she was with someone new the same day she said she still loved me...perhaps not physically that same night..but they did go away togther for a weekend while I was still at my reunion.

 

By the time I got back, and house was up for sale, all her clothes were packed in boxes, all the pictures were down, and her the kids were dispersed to friends homes..until I could pack my stuff, and find a place to live.

 

Totally borken hearted..I broke the rule...I continued to call and email, trying to get her to talk and get us back together. I even showed up at her friends doorstep, and proposed to her. No chance. She said I was too late. I knew it would be a no. Her friend told her I was stalking her. Naturally my ex believed her. Not true!

 

I've continued to email little things to her for 2 months, and have met with her from time to time, askign again and again about us. I've since moved into my own place, she's still in our home until its gets sold.

 

Not a smart move. I should have gone NC right from the beginning.

 

Currently, she's partying like theres no tomorrow, bragging about coming home in the early mornign hours, and smirking as she tells me. She tells me she's not the same person anymore and really has the "screw the world" attitude. I suspect she's been with a few guys in those 2 months as well, despite the apparent initimacy issues we had in our relationship.

 

I know she needs her space, and maybe life has been rough for her, but I'm wondering if there's any hope.

 

I started NC a few days ago after buyign her a coffee and not letting her know about my feelings. I did by her a spa massage and gave it to her and then said goodbye. I wanted her to have a good impression of me before I started NC.

 

In the past few weeks, the only time she has contacted me was for house-related issues, health benefits, or needing somethign from me. No talk of us. In fact, she states there is no "us" , but there is no one right now but she wants to keep her options open. She also states that who knows what the future holds.

 

It's been 3 days now of NC.

 

Has anyone had this type of experience with a female mid-life criris of this nature..when everything in her world is wrong and she dumps everything (job, kids, house, me).

 

Is there any chance of recovery? Will NC help now? I do get a sense that she still wants me around.

 

Thanks.

[Ms Omaniac]

anyone who can treat you so cruelly after you have been nothing but patient and kind does not deserve to know you. you need to find someone that does appreciate you and love you and cant wait to see you and be with you. you need to be with someone that cant keep their hands off of you and truly cares and worries about you. i dont believe this lady does nor will she ever.

 

she prob DOES want you around though for your money. about it. she sounds unbelievably selfish. consider yourself lucky that she wants out...she is doing you a huge favor whether you see this yet or not.

 

you deserve better. you need to respect yourself more. you need to see that you deserve someone that will treat you like how you treat them. it should NEVER be so one-sided.

 

- ivy

[SuperDave71]

Wow.....

 

 

I would say slip this woman poison but I am a nice guy.

 

 

RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN...she USED YOU LIKE A SHAKE AND BAKE BAG!!!! DO NOT GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION OF YOU ANYMORE!!!

 

 

Gosh..was that out loud? I think I just ruined my reputation!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[yoley]

Thanks guys for the reply...my friends and family tell me the same.

 

I think the problem lies within me for I "taught her to treat me that way". In hindsight I should have walked a long time ago, but the little voice "can't you take it?" kept talking to me...especially when I was so into the family idea (not just immediate, but entire extended family..they all loved me).

 

I bought the package hook-line and sinker from the beginning. And that what she said...you'll have to take the package if you want me.

 

Still..I keep looking for the "If her health got better" and "if she could only face those traumas". I also look back to the first year...it was absolutely amazing!

 

I also look at her "using me" as a cause to do the best for her kids...although, I know what you're going to say about this. Still no excuse.

 

Its hard to let go..and I'm honestly not sure what I'd do if she wanted to try again..I'd certainly have more respect for myself and demand we take it slow and with professional help...but like my friends say..it could take YEARS for her to recover.

 

Incidentally, I have been with a (transitional) younger woman (34) intermittently since my ex and I split...and the first time she did something for me (she initated a hug) I freaked. I didn't know what to do! Just shows you how much intimacy was lacking with the Ex.

 

Its also a slow awaking to the fact that I may have even been somewhat abused (possibly faking health issues to avoid sex, constant sarcasm followed by "I'm just kidding" , telling me that holding hands is for kids, lack of financial responsbility on her part , and finally telling a counsellor that she wants me to stop loving her so much, its wrong).

 

So..we'll see...ya I probably should run..and run fast..but still the heart keeps shouting at me..and I'd like to have her back...but only to test the waters to see if it could work, with me being a bit wiser and hopefully she working on her issues.

 

I'm on the fence now..either way..i'm going NC. If she calls..and she's serious and says the right things..then we'll see. If not, then onto a more stable relationship. Either way, much wiser with more self respect.

 

Cheers and Thanks for all your help.

[heloladies21]

I do get a sense that she still wants me around.

 

Are you serious??? ***beep***

 

Dude, I too have been in situations where my emotions have clouded my vision from doing what's right for me, but this is a bad situation. You don't want any part of it. She doesn't care about you.

 

Most likely she'll fool around some more, contact you spontaneously to see if you're still interested just so she feels you as a security blanket. Don't fall for it. If she calls, don't pick up, don't return her calls. If she somehow manages to get a hold of you, be aloof and discontinue the conversation. It's a dead issue.

[yoley]

So this is where I'm at now.

 

I decided to go NC for my own good..and it's help me by refocussing my thoughts and energy away from her, and onto me.

 

Since the NC over a week ago, she's emailed me late last week a short note to tell me that out house has had a few showings..that was it. Most likely looking for a response from me.

 

Then she called me today to let me know she has her own auto insurance, and that we may have an offer on the house. The entire time I was short with my answers, and kept talk to a minimum. Then she asked "are you ok?". I said "Oh ya fine" and then we said our good byes.

 

Normally, I would have been Mr Kind to her regardless of what she's done. This time I decided to take a power position for myself and man, did it feel good! Also, I think that's the first time in years she's asked my if I was ok.

 

I think the best thing about NC is that is help me tremendously heal my wounds and get on with my recovery.

 

As for her..maybe she does want me back..I have no idea...it'll take probably more NC to find out...but that's not the point of NC for me...the point of NC is for me alone.

 

Cheers!

[SuperDave71]

GOOD!!!! KEEP IT UP MAN!!!!

 

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[yoley]

Dave,

 

having thought about it a bit more, I do feel a bit guilty because my nature is that I am a kind and loving guy..and I really don't like to be short with anyone, inlcuding her (whom I still have feelings for).

 

This is normal I suppose for NC...you must step out of your boundaries in order to commit to full NC?

 

Thanks.

[SuperDave71]

Yoley,

 

 

I am the same way...but quite frankly, your ex has walked all over you and spit you out. You need to find your backbone and stick to it. I am not saying be cruel, rude or even arrogant but she has USED YOU. She doesn't deserve you. Love is BOTH WAYS my friend. Take away teh blinders so you can see everything for what it is. She is only looking out for herself right now and you ned to do the same. I know you love her....but LOVE YOURSELF!!!!

 

 

Wake up and smell the coffee....be a man and stand up straight and walk with pride knowing you have the ability to change YOU and NOT her!

 

 

 

Good Luck,

 

 

SuperDave71

[yoley]

Dave,

 

Let me know what you feel!! LOL.

 

You're very correct in this..in fact, during the family reunion 2 months ago, my 3 brothers and I discovered by dialoging that we have the same destructve behavior...we hate confrontations..especially with those we love!

 

We've all gotten into some long term relationships with similiar results.

 

For me however, my self image is somewhat tarnished for some reason, and does need repair. Most likey a recipe for disaster with a woman like my Ex.

 

But I suspect that too will come back, and in fact a woman I've been hanging with lately has been a tremendous help to me in pointing out my good qualities..and its starting to stick...and thereforeeee the realization that hey, I'm not a bad guy after all.

 

Cheers and thanks for the direct honestly.

 

- Y.

[SuperDave71]

Yoley,

 

Sometimes the truth hurts. The person who FINALLY woke me up ...was my brother. He was rough! I fail in comparison...TRUST ME!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

 

 

PS. remember this: She has NO CONTROL over you and she has NOTHING TO DO with your self worth. It's all about you man!!!!

 

ALL ABOUT YOU!

[yoley]

Superdave..you're gonna kill me.

 

Broke NC, after a few days on it...because she actually did contact me and I answered the phone not knowing it was her. I acted somewhat rude (that's not me)..so I phoned her back later at night. We chatted..and it was all good and met up Friday morning for a coffee (again all good).

 

Except...she only wanted to talk about herself, and the kids, and her new job ( I do miss the family)..but didn't ask about me. It was jovial and all, but all about her. She also talked about how tired she was from her partying weekends etc etc.

 

Well...I paid for it. I broke NC, she used me as a toybox, and now I feel I've stepped back a bit (but NOT too far). No progress on her side with respect to her feelings for me.

 

I also asked her if it would be ok to go out for an evening drink...she says I wasn't ready for it (I denied it, but it's true I'm not ready because I following my heart and not my spine)

 

I'm gone back NC with the knowledge that she really isn't a very nice person these days..still bitter and angry at me (her life stresses were always directed at me) because I was her always her scratch post, and still am today...FOR NO REASON!

 

Also, I've learned so much more on NC about her and myself especially.

 

So..I'm going back to NC for two reasons: 1. For my heart...the only way I'll ever get her back now is if I completely separate myself from her 2. For my spine: the only way I'll ever get RID of her is if I move on and learn more about myself and the treatment I was exposed to.

 

What a contradiction!

 

I think NC will give me the strenth to build on my spine, and let the pain go from my heart...and I'll eventually see her self centered ways...and learn to respect and love myself more.

 

Currently I have a calendar in front of me that I use to count the days of NC..making small goals along the way.

 

Live and learn. Move forward.

 

Incidentally..my Brother did ask me "Do you even like her as a friend?". How THAT opened my eyes.

[SuperDave71]

YOLEY!!!!

 

 

 

YOU SON OF A ( I am kidding ya!! )

 

Did you NOT learn anything I taught you??......SOMEONE GRAB THE DUCT TAPE AND TAPE HIM DOWN!!!! WE HAVE TO BEAT HIM WITH ALL THE PRINT OUTS OF THE ADVICE POSTED ON THIS FORUM!!!!

 

 

This woman is taking ADVANTAGE OF YOU!!!! SHE IS USING YOU!!! SHE IS A WOMAN WITH LOW SELF ESTEEM AND YET YOU ARE AN ENABLER. You are allowing her to walk on you. YOU ARE!! She isn't doing anything to you...you are ALLOWING HER TO. If she is that self centered to NOT ask about you, why in the world would you tolerate that? Is she a child? Is she retarded? Maybe she enjoys beating the MESS OUTTA you subcosciously....??? Maybe you ENJOY being miseable. Get up and get your b*lls out of her purse and USE THEM. She is NOT WORTH YOUR ATTENTION. God bless the kids, if you can't see that she is USING YOU and NOT caring anything about you or your feelings....you need to disappear completely. This is NOT love...This is alllllll one sided. Love is patient, love is kind, love is NOT boastful.....

 

Would you treat anyone the way she is treating you? I thought not!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[yoley]

If you only knew how many times I hit my head against the wall in the last few days saying "why why why did I break NC!"

 

(good thing I didn't tell you about the massage I bought her last week complete with candles and strawberries and icecream...she called me afterwards and she was thankful and appreciative..but then told me she on her way to a wedding reception).

 

Stop smacking your forehead.

 

Back to NC, and off to the hardware store to self-duct tape.

 

I'll make ya proud Dave...this time next week I'll update.

[SuperDave71]

YOLEY,

 

 

You better!!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[yoley]

Ok..its been a week since I last contacted the Ex. Man..is it ever hard..especially since it was Thanksgiving weekend here in Canada, and the whole extended family gathers at the farm for a huge feast, without me of course this year.

 

Holding strong though. Reading this forum almost every hour for support.

 

Thanks for being there!

 

Now looking forward to another week NC.

[SuperDave71]

Keep it up Yoley!!

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[yoley]

Dave,

 

been doing NC since..well mostly as much as I can because we have house issues and financial matters to discuss. I try to keep it all civil and friendly (yes, a part of me wants her back still).

 

Last night I sold the house (she's still in it). Yeah! As I met her and the agents for signing papers at the Real Estate Office, a band is unloading their gear from a truck iinto the pub next door.

 

Ex is standing there next to me, overtly flirting with the band...hardly even said hi to me. She's 42, dressed in tall black boots, tight jeans, white top with push up bra, midrif showing..etc etc. She looks a knockout as usual...and the band members are all over her ..in front of me. Nice. And she's just lovin it. I figured she was heading out on the town.

 

As we're signing the papers, it turns out she's taking her 16 year old to his hockey game dressed like that. Lol. very typical actually..even at ids soccer she's dressed in skin tight shorts, and push-up bra... compltely unlike the other moms. She's also taken on the team photgrapher role n hockey..which enables her to walk around in front of the crowd. LOL.

 

 

Anyway..because I've been doing more NC, and getting in more control of my emotions..I've been able to look at ther and think..."that the heck am I thinking! Why do I still want to pursue this woman..who obviously has no respect for me, my feelings, nor has any interest in me!" I also think about her Son..who was continually told by his friends that they want to sleep with his mom. I also think about her need to attract other men, and the problems it cause in our relationship. I also think about what her parents told me the before that things aren't the same without me. I also think about me!

 

Her loss! And obviously she hasn't even started to look at her problems..inlcuding low self esteem. Not once has she admitted to any of her issues since we split, or how things could've have been better if she only....

 

Back to NC as much as possible, and I'm moving on now with the house sold!

 

Yeah!

[darkblue]

That is the most sense you've spoke throughout your postings.

 

The flirting with the band members was a clear sign of making you jealous.

Don't let her get to you.

 

Keep it up.

[yoley]

You're probably right..by stepping back I see things much more clearly...things that my emotions would have denied.

 

As for the jealously thing..perhaps..but I would guess more of a control and power thing. When we were together, even from the first week we were seeing each other, anywhere, she'd constantly scan the room looking for men to look at her..and if she finds someone, she smiles..no matter who...even if we were at a restaurant. If I questiion her about, she'd tell me I'm insecure or just jealous.

 

Last night she was constantly looking behind her through the windows to see if the band was looking at her while they continued to unload their gear.

 

She has the body to attract a lot of men, and uses it to feel good about herself...perhaps the only way she feels good about herself as someone with the very low self esteem.

 

Good luck to the next "steady" guy.

[darkblue]

You're coming on in leaps in bounds now.

 

Keep this up and you'll be feeling much better in no time.

It is easier to see how bad your situation was wonce you'be taken a step back from it.

 

Stay strong.

[yoley]

Update:

 

Not Mid-life Crisis - It was Depression.

 

Depression is a terrible Illness. After reading the book "Depression Fallout" I realized that my wife was following the depression script for years.

 

Everything she has said and done, and everything that has happened in our relationship, is typical of someone falling into a deep depression.

 

The love of your life slowly turns into a self centered, bitter, jekyl and hyde, non sexual, manipulative, distant, quick to temper, angry, exhausted, irritated "thing" - and it wasn't her fault.

 

It's an illness.

 

Word for word, action by action our relationship unfolded like 1000s of others with someone who has depression, and hers was untreated for years.

 

In the end, her flight to someone new, is also typical. Anything new - because her life was wrong, thereforeeee the marriage is wrong. Is a repeated pattern – clean the slate - every few years.

 

Additionally, my actions and reactions were typical of someone trying to find out where their partner went, the one they fell in love with. Trying to chip away at the cold exterior, looking for a scrap of the person they used to know. Only to find that in the end, depression had completely consumed the soul they used to know. My self-esteem was corroded. I became depressed.

 

There is a forum that the book is based on link removed , and if your feel your partner is dealing with depression, get some literature on the subject - if you want to preserve the relationship, there are specific things that you must know and do and more importantly – NOT DO, around a depressed partner.

 

It would seem I was too late in understanding the illness, and my wife I couldn't be any farther apart today.

 

If there were someone to blame, it would be the handful of therapists and doctors she went to over the years - completely ineffective. Most likely, not trained in depression specifically. If diagnosed early enough, they could have treated her early, avoided the pain and suffering that her, I and the kids went trough, and maybe even saved our marriage.

 

We've both moved on. She's on medication now and apparently in happier place...I'm happy that she is. I've moved on, and happier than the last year and looking forward to a new world - wiser and more knowledgeable.

 

Still love her though.

 

My story: link removed

[yoley]

Wow...the more and more I read , the more I understand!!

 

I picked up a book called "No More Mr Nice Guy" and it certianly explains me, and more important why Nice Guys like me never get want they want in life.

 

As we all know we do teach others the way to treat us. However, what do you do about getting want you want out of life, love and sex? This is a great book!! I'm number 1!!

 

So, my synopsis again of my R with my EX:

 

1. I'm Mr Nice guy, and thus seeks out depressed , sick, struggling single mom, abuse survivor, coming from a string of bad relationships, and having money problems - someone I can fix and feel good about myself. We fall in love.

 

2. W crossed the line many times, I'm too scared of confrontation to say anything for fear of losing her love. She learns quickly that she can cross the line, and thus walk over me.

 

3. Looses respect for me - I can't stand up for myself. No backbone.

 

4. We drift due to her past issues from childhood - drifting affection. I accept the lack of sex. Fear once again.

 

5. Her health starts to suffer, perhaps she feels unfulfilled. Nice guys are great at the beginning, but are incapable of deeper relationships.

 

6. Because I'm Mr Nice guy, I try to control and manipulate indirectlty to get what I want, instead of asking directly.

 

7. I become very unhappy. Why? I'm being nice to everyone including her. The nicer I am, the better my life is supposed to be?? I'm confused. I'm unfulfilled. Try to be nicer.

 

8. She becomes unhappy. More depresssion.

 

9. I try doing the same things with the same result - unhappiness.

 

10. She becomes gravly depressed due to severe traumas and continuing health problems (as well as death, job, financial etc etc)

 

11. My self esteem goes to hell - from the result of living with a depressed person.

 

12. We split, she finds someone else right away

 

13. I find someone else for comfort a month later. Still Mr Nice guy - I find an immature, unhealthy, single woman with money problems to fix.

 

14. I read a ton of books,(Depression Fallout is one - Eureka, that's what we went through!) learn a ton about myself, and am recovering. Happy to be out of terrible situation.

 

15 Split with new girl 3 or 4 times. Don't want to hurt her. No backbone. I feel unfulfilled.

 

16. Read "No More Mr Nice Guy". Laugh my head off. Eureka #2! Its me!!!

 

16. Face all my fears - finally end it with new girl. No more Mr Nice guy - now Mr Honest Guy with a backbone.

 

17. Looking forward to showing the new me to the world.

 

18 Make a date with a new beautiful woman, stable financially, mentally, physically - no problems to fix!!!

 

19 Feeling powerfull, confident, in control and knowing what I want. Emtotionally stable and not missing the X...and not caring if she comes back. I matter and taking care of me.

 

20. Awaiting meeting with X when the house sells to settle financial obligations.

 

Wish me luck!

[Danny H]

Good luck yoley, seems you are getting a handle on your life.