Stir Crazy

[liambilson]

Hi everybody and thanks in advance for any advice or help. They say as you get older you gain experience but the pain is just as intense after a break-up. I am 46 and my ex left me 6 weeks ago after 4 years.

The first 3 years of the realtionship was punctuated by a few problems 8 times I left her but went back because there was a beautiful, lovely person underneath - which there is - she did want me to commit but I wanted to be sure the old demons had gone at first. Anyhow I went away recently for 2 weeks and when I came back she dumped. Anyway, we have met 3 times since the bust up and it was beautiful and she said do you think there is a chance this could work again and I said given time maybe. Anyway we spent the night together and she hugged me goodbye. 2 hours later I got a text saying we shouldn't see each other and that she needed space. Girls ' what exactly does a woman mean when she says that? So here I am going stir crazy after 1 week of NC. Any comforting words would be greatly appreciated.

[acuraman]

Im pretty much in the same dilema as you. My ex broke up with me last week but she called me the next day and asked me to give her time to think things through. We talked the first week, but yesterday she didn't return any of my phone calls. Its like she just got all cold for some reason I can't explain.

 

I think you should respect her decision, as I am now respecting my ex's decision on not to contact me. I guess that you will have to accept it and try to move on with your life the best way you can. Be sure to be around people who are supportive, they will help you out a lot, and keep yourself busy so that you aren't constantly looking at your cell to see if she has called or not.

[liambilson]

Thanks acuraman - yes I know you're right and she needs space - but I believe in communication ie face to face and thrashing things out.

For me it's 'absense makes the heart grow fonder'

For her I'm sure it's ' out of sight out of mind'

I'm not going to break NC for another week at least but it's sheer Hell.

I appreciate your post though buddy ! Hope things work out for you. Any girls out there who can offer advice ?

[Magamar]

I just wanted to agree that this nc approach is sheer hell. I'm still in the first week of nc and it feels like my life has been taken over by my mobile phone.

 

Has she called?

 

Has she texted?

 

Gee the way my mind starts making things up about where she is, what she is doing is quite scary. Perhaps I should become a novelist I'm sure they'd be best sellers!!!!!

 

Anyway Liambilson I just wanted to say 'Hang in there'. It is hard but you're not the only one and sometimes (but not all the time) I can take quite a bit of strength from that.

[liambilson]

Ditto with everything you said Magamar - it's getting control of your irrational mind which is the key.

Having said that - for the 41st night in a row I have woke up with her in my nightmares at 2a.m. and I'm really low and tired again - even with sleeping tablets. I was strong for 2 hours reading this site last night but am weak again now - the urge to write a long letter to her is indescribable - I just wish I could see inside her mind. I messed all this up but not having NC in the first week when I bombarded her with love notes instead. I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life so much. It's just sad how someone whose arms were around you recently can now appear so distant. Thanks for listening guys and gals - have to drag myself off to try and survive at work today now ! Living Hell !

[Magamar]

You don't have to tell me about the sleepless nights liambilson. I never seem to want to go to bed (too much time to think) and I normally wake up at about 3-4am feeling as low as ever. If I'm lucky I do manage to get another hours sleep or so but not always.

 

I too can find a lot of stength from reading these message boards but I've noticed that my low times tend to come in waves. First thing in the morning is particularly bad then as the day goes on I feel better and better. The problem is when I go home to an empty house and I get low again. I've managed to keep myself quite busy over the last couple of weeks but I know that there is going to be a night when I've got no-one to see or nowhere to go and I'm dreading it. That night might be tonight and that in itself is making me anxious. I'll probably try and get myself down the gym but I'm really struggling to motivate myself to do anything at the moment. My house is a pig stye and I'm drinking too much.

 

HOWEVER, I must say that I'm better than I was two weeks ago and I'm better than I was a week ago. The hysterical crying has stopped (yay) so I just keep saying to myself that in one weeks time I'll be feeling even better.

 

It's a slow process but at least I seem to be moving in the right direction.

 

I just wanted you to know liambilson that reading your posts has been helping me quite a bit. Thanks

[liambilson]

Dignity is very important - think I lost mine though a bit !

 

Get to that gym - it's the only thing apart from this site which is keeping me going ! The great thing is because there is so much pain already in your body you can run forever with no pain so it is great.

14 days NC now and I have spent all day writing a huge letter to her - do I send it next week ?

Pigsty here as well !!

Still want to hear from a girl what 'space' means - every day she doesn't contact me I feel more and more abandoned and become resentful.

What do you say if she rings anyway?

Dreading next week as she will be at a party. Do I ignore her ? Is that breaking NC ?

Keep fighting everybody and supporting one another !!

Cheers, Liam

[zcloud]

Dear Liam,

 

I don't know what space means. My guy left on a trip, possibly slept with and rekindled a romance with an ex and then dumped me on his way back to town so he wouldn't have to explain himself. Sounds like in your case she needs to sort through her feelings. I wonder the same about my guy, isn't he thinking about me? doesn't he miss me? Doesn't he miss all the things we did together? To me NC means not initiating contact. It doesn't mean avoiding the person at all costs and trying to punish them or keep the anger going. You do need to protect your heart and be prepared for any interaction. What if she brings a guy to the party? How will you feel? I've seen my ex and talked to him when he calls. I'm pleasant on the phone, but as soon as he hangs up, I feel hurt, angry, sad all over again. It's hard to see him and not be able to touch him. It's hard to see the person face to face and realize they no longer want you the way they did. So NC just protects you from yourself really and from whatever other unusual behaviour your ex might display in this time of breakup.

[liambilson]

Thank u zcloud,

 

am very sorry to hear about the hurt you are going through and hope you will find somebody who will offer you unconditional love.

I still can't figure out what is wrong with communication - suppose my ex doesn't want that any more as we end up becoming intimate.

I' just wish she knew the lovely things I had planned for us next year. I wanted to marry her and make her my princess for ever.

[Magamar]

Am I having a nervous breakdown?

 

Do I now have a split personality that allows me to log on under a different name, leave a post then log off with no memory of doing so?

 

I keep reading the posts above and thinking 'I must have posted that'. But it's never my name against it!!!!!

 

Why do people toy with your emotions by getting in contact then pulling away. WHY DO IT? I'm no angel I've split up with people before, sometimes doing it in a really bad way or at a bad time but I've always ended it and then not gone back. I haven't sent texts saying 'I miss you' , 'I love you', blah, blah, blah. I've cut off all contact and not gone back. I'm sure that hasn't been easy for some people but it's clean with no messing.

 

By the way I know exactly what you mean about the gym and the pain. I ran for my longest time ever on a treadmill last week. Everytime I thought 'That's it, gotta stop' I thought of her and how I was running to get her out of my system. Just kept running and running and running.

 

The big problem was that she was still in my system at the end of it though

 

Keep the faith everyone.

[liambilson]

By chance an old girlfriend who is happily married now phoned me and was a great help. Space space space is what i keep hearing so so be it.

I left my ex 8 times. I have neen stupid at times but all my friends say she is mad and will regret it. I just wish she could see inside my heart. - i was never even remotely unfaithful.

At least you are shedding those kilos off in the gym and you will soon be an Adonis lol. Ok, off to the treadmill before my sleeping tablet and my regular middle of the night nightmare - oh nooooo !

[Magamar]

Well I pounded myself to death on the treadmill AGAIN but I have to admit that last night really was the worst for me wanting to break NC. I think it may have been bacause I'd mentally said to myself that I could reach the weekend, which I did, but then I just didn't know what to do with myself.

 

I didn't contact her though but I felt crap!!!!

 

I can also tell that today is gonna be another struggle. But I'll be as strong as I can and I'll continue the NC.

 

Hope everyone else is okay.

[liambilson]

This has been a really bad day. Usual nightmares kicked in at 245a.m. last night - with my beaming ex taking me gently by the hand and kissing me - jolted awake then to the harsh reality and many hours later am still on a serious 'downer' - I felt so strong last night until until I was crushed by another tidal wave of searing, omnipresent pain. Have actually realised it is only 6 days of TOTAL nc as I sent a stupid e-mail attachment last week - does that count ??

This whole NC thing still puzzles me - how is it possible to move on in your life when you still have hope and so much love for the person?

I've read all the tips on here and they are great but I still have a burning desire to be face to face with the person to discuss all this, no matter what they have to say. What is wrong with COMMUNICATION ?

What does 'space' do but give your ex time to forget about you. All it is doing for me is giving me more and more pain and making me more and more resentful towards her. I have 10000 different arrows flying into my body - all filled with different emotions; hate, heartfelt love, bitterness, frustration, helplessness. I feel like I'm slowly sinking in quicksand. Just tell me how to stop the nightmares - they are the worst, and tell me why I shouldn't contact her. Anyhow, hope you are all surviving guys and girls - this is doing my head in.

[Cindy11]

I understand exactly what you're going through about the NC. I don't understand it either. People in here highly advise it so I figure hey, it must help.

 

As far as having nightmares, I am not sure if this will help you or not but it has certainly helped me tremendously. Before I fall asleep, I try not to think about him and say to my "no more bad dreams" several times. I know this sounds weird but let me tell you that it really does help me and I hope it helps you as well. Try it and let me know if it works. Take care of yourself.

[liambilson]

Thanks for the tip Cindy ! I will try it tonight and if it works I will remember you in my will !!

 

Yes, I understand entirely the concept behind NC - it's just the irrationality of the mind thinks they are just forgetting about you with each day when you think looking into their eyes in person would make them remember you. It's Hell as you know yourself but until we regain some power and control of our minds we are helples - easier said than done huh? What is a woman thinking when she says she needs 'space' ?

[Cindy11]

I will remember the will thing

 

I honestly don't know what a woman means by needing space. My needing space is "me" time. I never said to a man that I need space. I say "me" time which means I like to spend time alone giving myself pedicure, manicure, facial, etc.

 

To me, I would think space means time to think about the relationship. I am not sure if it could be a cop out to end the relationship slowly. I honestly don't know.

 

I remember my ex saying long time ago that maybe we need some time apart to analyze things. He has told me this many times "never say never". So I have a feeling he's still thinking that. I don't know .... this whole break up thing confuses me. Sorry, I don't think I helped.

[rascal]

He has told me this many times "never say never". So I have a feeling he's still thinking that. I don't know ....

 

see...here's the thing. my ex and i always said that to each other. throughout the course of 8 years of breakups and reconciliations, we always agreed that when it came to the 2 of us, we'd never say never. but now she is seeing someone pretty seriously, and i have been doing nc for almost 4 months. (hardest thing i've ever done...ever, and i'm 39 yrs old) the last thing i said to her was, "is there a chance for us, or not?" she said yes. that was 4 months ago. no letter saying it's officially over forever, move on, i'm finally saying never, no nothing. if she wanted to make it abundently clear that it was over forever, all she would have to do is send that letter or e-mail, or say to my face that there is no chance. or is she letting me know by not contacting me for 4 months? it seems so lame that i am still this upset and this whole thing went down in June, but I can't seem to shake it. I can't seem to shake the fact that if it was really over she would at least write me a letter letting me know.

 

help?

[Magamar]

Yeah I agree with this 'no contact' thing being the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes I'm really strong like you liambilson, then others it takes me all my strength not to text her. It's almost like my brain (or heart) tries to convince me that it's the right thing to do. 'She'll forget you', 'She's doing the same to you to see if you'll get in touch', etc, etc.

 

Personally I think it's more with trying to condition yourself not to expect any contact off your ex. For the past two weeks I've been a slave to my mobile phone. I think I must have been checking it every 10 minutes to see if there were any missed calls or text messages. And each time I checked, and each time there was no contact I felt low again. Yesterday was the first day when I managed to go from breakfast until lunch without checking it. And then from lunch until I left work.

 

HOWEVER, that said I did have some contact with her last night, by text. She is going through a tough time at the moment with some other things that are going on in her life. I basically told her that I was here for her and I wanted to help but that I was trying to give her the 'space' she asked for and that she knew where I was if she needed me.

 

To be honest that has made me feel better. I managed to tell her how I was feeling but at the same time tell her it was now up to her to get in touch with me. My nc has been very stop and start just recently but now I feel strong enough to go for it properly. I know I'll still be waiting for her to get in touch and I know that there will be bad days but finally I feel like I'm taking my life back and that in itself makes me feel stronger. However I know that there is still a long way to go.

 

Hang in there everyone. You've all been a great help.

[liambilson]

Cindy - every word that anybody writes on this site helps me. Tried the tip and will give you one more chance tonight for it to work !!

Thanks for your views on 'space' though.

I have never felt this way about anybody in my life. She is the only thing I have ever wanted and all I wanted to do was shower with the finest things in life. Our relationship was so fresh - we were like young lovebirds everywhere. I just love the girl so truly, madly, deeply.

 

Magamar - sometimes I feel we are Siamese twins joined at the tip as your experience seems very similar !! As I said above I think communication helps sometimes - I just wish my ex would be the one to initiate contact. Hope things work out for you - it looks like there is a lot of pain ahead for us if they don't. The thing is I am getting resentful and bitter towards her because I feel completely abandoned and discarded while all my other friends are giving me support.

[Magamar]

liambilson, I know what you mean about the resentment. I seem to swing from being completely understanding and realising that this is just as hard for her as it is me. Then BAM. I suddenly start to think that's shes deliberatly messing me about, That she's just keeping me as a fall back option in case her 'New' masterplan doesn't work and then she'll suddenly be in contact more.

 

I think the thing that annoys me the most at the moment is that I know I would go running back to her. Although I no longer desperately need her to get in touch I'm still hoping. And that just shows I'm not over her yet.

 

I just try and push those negative thoughts out of my head when I sense them coming and try and move on.

 

One day I will, but not yet!!!!

[liambilson]

I have tried to 'move on' but everywhere I go she is there. She is just so beautiful to me.

 

I just couldn't do this to somebody who was my friend. I would be calling or visiting them every night tuill they got over the really bad stage. In fact I did do that 8 times with the ex because she was just completely distraught and I couldn't do thAT TO ANYBODY.

 

feel less resentful now I have had my afternoon 'fix' from this site - but at other times I think I went out and saw her with a bloke I would just completely 'lose' it.

[liambilson]

I really need to let off steam here - went to the gym but was so full couldn't even get on the treadmill.

I am feeling really, really angry and bitter at the moment and could quite easily go berserk if I saw my ex right now. She is really taking me to the brink with her behaviour in the last 2 months. First she went away and sent loving messages every day then I collected her at the airport - we stayed the night and the next evening she phoned to say let's get this sorted - then it was she wants a break - then after I sent a stupid text it was 'over' - then we had a nice day a week later when I accepted the relationship was over and we buried the past and agreed to afresh as friends and were very intimate - then 10 days later I cooked her a lovely meal - she virtually dragged me into bed and asked me 'do you think there's a chance it would work?' then she kissed me goodbye in the morning - then 2 hours later she says 'let's end this hurt for both of us' - then I went round and it got really ugly and violent - then it was ' I really care for you but am not in love with you - give me space - which I agreed to 16 days ago - virtually NC since then - my emotions have been pulled and pushed so much I don't know where I am - her treatment is making me really mad and revengeful. How can I get rid of these feelings? She has destroyed the relationship and is now destroying everything else. Thanks for listening !

[Cindy11]

You can't control who she hangs out with. It is your ex's fault for allowing this woman to control every move she makes. She will eventually see what this woman is doing to her. I don't know when, but it will happen. When that happens, be prepared. She might come back knocking on your door. I don't want to give you false hopes but at the same time, I hope you will be strong enough to tell her that it's over.

 

I hope the tip will work tonight and I hope you will not have any bad or good dreams of her.

 

I, too, am very frustrated.

[FCTex]

I didn't read all the posts, but I just wanted to let you guys know that it does indeed get better, and it does indeed get tougher at the same time..

 

I've been doing NC, on and off. Some broken by her, and some by me. It's hard guys, but each day you add to it, each mark on the wall so to speak, it gets easier. My cell phone has sweat and tear marks on it literally from handling it so much, and calling her so much crying earlier in the break up.

 

Just be strong, do for yourself, and live by this.. Do not stand still, have some self realization, have some self respect, and do things for YOU. Make yourself happy again, with you, not because of someone else.. Move on, and let go.

 

Let go.. And accept that it will not ever work out again, because if you do, and things do go for a second chance, you'll be surprised. Don't dwell on it, don't wait, don't wish, don't scheme up a plan for things.. Because your ONLY going to hurt more. Your not moving, your standing still, your moving backwards. Your ex is passing you, they are doing for themselves(hence the break up at times) and you aren't working on anything, other than soaking your pillow at night, and killing yourself slowly.

 

 

Put your phones down. Stop the e-mails, stop the wondering. Your ex misses you, I promise. I can attest to this FIRST HAND.. They think of you guys, they miss you. The smallest thing.. reminds them of us.. Just like your hurt during the day.. The NC will help you, and in return if they REALLY love you like they said they did.. They will come to you. They will contact, they will work for you.

 

Get over them.. Do NC, and MOVE ON... Because if your farther away than you were before, each day that adds on.. Your healing, and when you ex comes back.... They will have to come GET YOU. You wont be at an arms reach, or a simple phone call away. They will have to work, they will have to use energy to get you back. They will have to genuinely want to have it back and to work on it, because why else would you exhaust the energy and emotions of trying to work it out if you really didnt want to try again?!

 

 

Stay strong people.. Lord knows I'm going through it too, and I've had my extreme ups and my extremely lows.

[rascal]

Thanks, FCT. You're pretty smart, for a 20 year old. Seriously.

I wish I had your wisdom at 20. 4 months of NC and you'd think I'd get the message by now. But there is that little shred of hope that I cling to, but I have to let go. Whether she "officially" finished things "the right way" or not, I have to face the fact that she's not coming back. I let her know exactly how I feel. That was memorial day weekend. I see her apartment building every day at work, and want to go see her and have her look me in the eyes and say goodbye. I seem to be one of those guys who need their guts splattered all over the sidewalk in order to give up. But I don't do it. I'm trying to break my cycle of doing the wrong things.

 

One day I'll post the whole screwed up story. But for now, I'm just gonna go to bed. 1 more day of NC behind me.