kittykat Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 I have been together with my boyfriend for more than 2 years. Things have been going pretty rough for us right from the start and we do hit bumps along the way in our relationship. We had also had sex and it was his first time as well as mine, Because we lived together for quite some time. I trusted him and he told me i was the one for him and so did i think so Right now, he has initiated break up with me and my whole world has crumbled. He said he wanted a breather. I guess because after sex, my attachment to him grew and started to get edgy with him at times. I would say insecure. And at the same time, we experienced a long distance relationship for like 6 months. He has now found someone else. He claims that it was only just after the break up. How can someone whom i have shared so much with, just walk away like that? Why is he so heartless? We are both religious people and it was not easy on us to share and have sex so often, but because i really believed he was the one. How can he just do this to me? Could anyone help? Why did he just turn away? doesn't he know how horrible it is to do something like this to someone? doesn't he have a heart? We both shared so much together. Maybe i did restrict a bit of his freedom.. but i was just so scared to lose him. Link to comment
GregB Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 What I'm hearing here is outdated notions of sexual behaviour. It sounds to me like you didn't necessarily want to have sex, that you caved in to his demands. In essense, you gave your boyfriend all the power, and when his demands were met, his need for that power dissipated. This is why you, as a woman, need to empower yourself in the future. You have to come to grips that your sexual identity is your own, and nobody elses. You should discover yourself sexually, and find your appetite for the act itself for it's own merits. Religions want you to believe that love and sex MUST go together, but the reality is they do not. Hence: You must first take responsibility for having sex. Say to yourself "Okay, I had sex" Did you enjoy the sex? If you did, then realize that you are now free to explore that sort of pleasure with whomever you see fit. Take precautions, but live your life with honesty and honor and you shouldn't go wrong. If you did not enjoy the sex, and I suspect you didn't, ask yourself why. I'm guessing you did not have an orgasm. Learn how to have them, what works for you, then the next time you have a partner make sure they understand how to make it happen for you, so you know what it feels like with another person. Most religions have pretty much given up trying to govern people's sexual lives. Remember the golden rule is "Do unto others..." and act accordingly and learn to open up your appetite for pleasure. In no time at all you will look back at this current relationship (Which I'm pretty sure is 100% over, or at least it should be...) and you will laugh and feel kind of silly. -GregB Link to comment
CoolGuy Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 hi kittykat, I understand ur feelings right now....and u must be really feeling down and low. All i can say is that it was very bad and harsh of ur partner to leave u high and dry like this. lemme get this....did he say that he wants a breather??? if that is the case...why shud he find someone else?? have both of u understood the other completely bcoz u said that there were bumps along ur relationships....??? see...if he said that he just needed a breather and then looked for someone else....he is cheating. then, it is obvious that u did not appeal to his mind as the 'one'. i feel that u r really a sensitive person and dedicated to him..its really hurting u. just tell what u r feeling right now...directly to him. ask him whether this is the end of our relationship and ask him why he sought after another girl after asking for a breather...maybe he will understand ur sensitivity and will feel sorry!!! Bye and keep posting!! CoolGuy Link to comment
tobigahart Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 Hey like she said though, they were bumpy from the start. Having sex could have been his way of hopefully strengthening the bond between himself and her. No guy hangs around trying to get sex for one year. To put it simply, you just have to realise he was not the one for you and neither were you the one for him. You took your relationship to the next level (by having sex) and unfortunately for you both it didn't help. Focus on the future, you'll find someone who appreciates you more and someone with whom you will be alot happier with. It's a shame it happened but it's time to move on. The best is yet to come... Link to comment
kittykat Posted June 30, 2003 Author Share Posted June 30, 2003 Yes, this guy meant a lot to me, my virginity meant the whole lot of life to me. I gave it to him because he kept pressing for it and assured me ceaselessly, but i grew weak and depended on him so much. He did ask for a breather initially, but called it off one week later. I begged him to give us another chance. And he said he needed time. Another week later he called it off over the phone and ceased all contact. I want another chance. I really do Link to comment
CoolGuy Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 Hi kittykat, From what i make out, it is better that u forget that guy. He was the never the one suited for ur sensitive and soft nature. All he wanted was some fun and a sex fling with a girl....and he got it and left. Don't bother a lot about ur virginity now.....its ok.. Don't lose heart bcoz he left u...try to cheer up and look ahead in life...U will meet THE person for u who will understand u and love u for the way u are. As far as this *beep* guy is considered....forget abt him!!!! Bye, CoolGuy Link to comment
kittykat Posted July 2, 2003 Author Share Posted July 2, 2003 I know Coolguy.... i am trying.. but it is really tough to forget and not care for him and until today i am still loving him deeply. How can anyone forget something so intimate like a snap of his fingers? How could anyone just have a fling with someone for 3 long years? Not feeling anything??? How? How? Link to comment
notherenowhere Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 kittykat, It looks like he was starting to show his true colors after leaving you and not looking back. Then he finds someone right away. He's one of those people you thought you really knew but didn't. Like CoolGuy said, he was using you. You don't deserve to have someone like that. You can do better. Link to comment
michelemybell Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 kittykat, I know exactly what you're going through because I'm going through the same thing. My story is very similar to yours. And it hurts a lot. I know there's nothing anyone can tell you to erase your feelings. It's not easy to "just forget about him". I'm sure your boyfriend cared a lot about you and probably did love you. He just couldn't meet your expectations. The thing is, nothing is wrong with your expectations---don't ever lower them! In my situation (and yours may be the same), I put expectations on my ex that he could not meet. Those expectations were to spend some time with me, be responsible with his behavior, and to treat me with more respect. Those were not unreasonable expectations, but he could not meet them. I could blame myself for making these expectations, but I wouldn't be happy just accepting the way things were. It was easier for my ex to leave than to change. Maybe he will change for someone else, or maybe someone else will accept him just the way he is. Who knows. It's been three months since I last talked to my ex. He broke up with me and cut contact. After about a month I think he was inching to be my friend again but it was very sketchy and I was on an emotional rollercoaster hoping things would change---but there were hints he was starting to see someone else. I finally shut all contact with him and his friends----hardest thing I ever did. I've been trying to keep busy with things even though it is so hard. I think about him all the time. I wonder if I was really to blame and I'm just an awful person. But I also remember that it takes two to make or break a relationship. For everytime you may have done something wrong, your ex did too. So don't blame yourself. No one, including your ex, is completely error free in the relationship. He just didn't apologize like you did for him. But I try to remember (and you need to also) that a lot of people have gone through the same thing---think Gwyneth Paltrow, Gwyn Stefani, Halle Berry, Darryl Hannah, Madonna, Princess Di and many more: I read that all these strong, beautiful women were unceremoniously "let go" or cheated on by someone "special" at one time in their lives. Follow their example and try to focus on yourself for a change and make a difference. Think about things you can do for yourself (how about a new haircut, manicure, pedicure, new clothes); and things you put off (I found that I put off a lot of goals and going back to school when I was dating my guy). Try something you've thought about doing but never did. And don't worry if you think about your ex while you're doing these things. You're just normal. Well, I rambled on here. I hope this helped a little. Link to comment
kittykat Posted July 17, 2003 Author Share Posted July 17, 2003 well, just an update. My ex, together for 3 years, had sex, had ups and downs which we braved together Read my initial post, Broke up with me a month ago Got together with this gal who adviced him to break up with me and told him that in a relationship people should be 100% compatible and no tolerance should be practiced. Now, he is intending to propose to her I feel so silly.. Link to comment
kittykat Posted July 17, 2003 Author Share Posted July 17, 2003 seriously, for guys Can you guys just leave a 3 year relationship and forget all the sex and all the passion all the good times and all the bad times you went through with someone who shared everything with you in just one month?? Please tell me? and within the same month, propose marriage to the new girl??? Link to comment
notherenowhere Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 kittykat, The only ones that can do that weren't very good people to begin with. They show their true selves. They're really inconsiderate, uncaring, selfish, etc. These kinds of people are able to forget the past as if nothing really happened. They can turn it off just like that. It's actually good that things didn't work out with them. Link to comment
kittykat Posted July 17, 2003 Author Share Posted July 17, 2003 seriously notherenowhere, how can anyone be so heartless and yet walk off without a conscience.. it was 3 long hard earned years... Link to comment
notherenowhere Posted July 17, 2003 Share Posted July 17, 2003 kittykat, I feel your frustration too. If I had a similar situation, that would totally destroy me as well. I guess some people are just like that. They were born like that or it was the way they grew up. There's absolutely no place for people who are heartless and have no conscience. With regards to your ex, that's most likely the way he really is unfortunately. This may have all been a blessing in disguise for you. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now