JustineDuck Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 This coworker that I had been seeing/sleeping with from work broke it off with me about a month and a half ago. He said he was too busy and didn't/wouldn't have time for me. (We were seeing one another almost every day or every other day at that point.) Then after that, he wouldn't want to kiss me or have sex with me but I could spend the night next to him, but anything else to him was a bad idea considering how I felt. So then a didn't see him for about a week and things with him changed. Because I wasn't always around him and doing other things without him, when I did see him, he would flirt with me again and so forth. Last night he decided to come out with me and this other guy, our friend from work, and I knew from the beginning of the night exactly what was gonna happen. So, without hesitation at the end of the night, he automatically dropped our friend off first and parked my car at his house, assuming I would be staying the night. (I thought it would be the same as before, me sleeping next to him, no kissing, no sex, etc.) NOPE! Helay next to me and started kissing me sweetly and holding me, and then we had sex. The next morning, the same thing and he was lingering in bed with me, flirting with me around his house, pulls me into his lap, kisses my face and head.... So my question is WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?? I thought he didn't want to do that stuff with me and he was distancing himself, now he's all over me again. I don't get it. Please help with some sort of advice... Thanks! Link to comment
kenneth05 Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 >Please help with some sort of advice... ok. you asked. break it off immediately, and get a new job. don't get sexually involved with co-workers. good luck. Link to comment
AngelOfDarknes Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 seems hes just fooling around i see it as "ok i want it i get it when i dont then cya". you should ask yourself where is this going.... to me it seems nowhere..... Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Sex is not love for this person at all. It means something different to you than it does him. For him, it's a fun time, a way to get a natural high. For you, it is part of something more meaningful. He is using you for when he's in the mood and then ignoring you when he's not. Start ignoring him, don't give him anything more, and you will see what happens. If he cares for you, he will still want to be around. But if he doesn't, then you'll see no more of him once he figures out that you're not putting out anymore. No matter what, it's plain that this relationship is hurting you. Don't hang around him anymore; you will find someone else. : ) hugs, Phreckles Link to comment
kellbell Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Like everyone else wrote, he is doing what suits him at the moment and sees sex as a way to have fun and for him to get off. However, it means more to you. Cut him off, go out with someone who wants you more than just sex. It's only going to get worse for you if you continue this type of relationship with him. Take care. Link to comment
DN Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 What is happening is that you are deciding to have sex with someone who only wants sex with you despite that fact that you want a proper relationship. Decide not to do that again. Link to comment
RayKay Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 You both want different things and that is quite clear. What is going on...well you are available to him, even though you want more than a sexual relationship with him you are allowing him to have only that. Promise yourself you will NOT do so again, stand up for yourself, and know you deserve someone whom wants all of you Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Man, doesn't it just bug you, any of you, how much people will just use people to get whatever they want? Sometimes it just seems that people don't care about anyone other than themselves anymore, know what I mean? Link to comment
RayKay Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Man, doesn't it just bug you, any of you, how much people will just use people to get whatever they want? Sometimes it just seems that people don't care about anyone other than themselves anymore, know what I mean? Honestly, she's an adult and a willing participant. Is she not in some way using him hoping that he will somehow want MORE from her (ie a relationship) if she sleeps with him. He made moves, and she went along with it. After they broke up, she continued to stay over with him, she did allow it to go further - there was no "advantage" taken - sure he knew she had feelings, but she knew his feelings. It takes two to tango. People use us only as much as we ALLOW ourselves to be used, plain and simple. If you set boundaries and limits for yourself, and respect your own rules and values, then you will not be "used". I don't think he is a bad guy for wanting to sleep with her, the opportunity was there, she was open to it, so it happened. They are adults. Link to comment
DN Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 Man, doesn't it just bug you, any of you, how much people will just use people to get whatever they want? Sometimes it just seems that people don't care about anyone other than themselves anymore, know what I mean? Honestly, she's an adult and a willing particpant. Is she not in some way using him hoping that he will somehow want MORE from her (ie a relationship) if she sleeps with him. It takes two. People use us only as much as we ALLOW ourselves to be used, plain and simple. I agree with RayKay. If he was lying to her about his intentions then he could be accused of using her. But it doesn't seem that he is. That is why I said in my earlier post that she is making decisions here. Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 I know what you're saying and all, but I think what bothers me is that people should be looking out for eachother and acting in a way that is honorable...not an 'every wo/man for him/herself' attitude. I agree that you shouldn't allow yourself to be used and then blame others. At the same time, where is decency? Aren't we accountable for how we treat others? How do we justify to ourselves that it's ok to treat people like they're disposable, whether the 'victim' is allowing that or not? Maybe I'm a naif, but I just find it astounding. Link to comment
JustineDuck Posted September 12, 2005 Author Share Posted September 12, 2005 Hey all, Thanks for posting your thoughts on what's been going on. I know in my heart that you are all right about what he's been doing and I do want to have the upper hand and stop what's been going on. The only problem is that my emotions seem so invested in this guy that I feel blind to all of that and part of me wants to ignore those signs and signals (aka Red Flags) that I've been seeing. Bad part: we're supposed to go to a concert up in Los Angeles together in November...taking the 4 hour road trip together and spending the night. Isn't that just a bad fiasco waiting to happen? Link to comment
TheSmilingTurnip Posted September 12, 2005 Share Posted September 12, 2005 I know how you feel; I've been in your shoes. But you have to stop it. If you haven't already bought the tickets or paid any money that you can't get back, then go on this trip. But if you can, try not to go. You'll find that, fairly quickly, your emotional investment in this guy will dwindle if you just stop giving him what he wants. Link to comment
kellbell Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 I would go to the conecrt but vow nothing sexual is going to happen. If that[s something you can't promise yourself, then I would ditch the concert. I know it hurts real bad but you going to hurt A LOT more the longer this continues. There are plenty of other guys out there who won't use you for sex and once you do, you are going to wonder why you wasted your time and heart on this guy. Link to comment
zcloud Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 I have tried the "just sex" thing with guys and it just doesn't work. It's not like I expect or ask for anything, it's the men. After a few weeks they want love and a commitment. Well they want Me to be in a commitment anyway, and jump through hoops to convince me, so I start falling in love. So ok I don't have to be ms. free spirit, if someone loves me I can forsake all others and I can easily be faithful but then... No sooner do I reluctantly agree to this (knowing that it's too soon, we haven't established enough a friendship, etc) then they start getting uncomfortable with the whole thing like I'm fencing them in and start acting like all that love and commitment bullsh*t was my idea. Then of course I get resentful, because we could have just been lovers, made sure we were physically safe and just lived our own lives and enjoyed each other. After a breakup these men then go on to have other more "traditional" arrangements with women that are jealous, petty, controlling, clingy (all the things I wasn't) and they actually seem happy. Their new woman is faithful and these guys feel free to just cheat on them. I'm actually surprised to find so many heart broken men on this forum that were in love, faithful and sad that a relationship is over. I don't meet these people. Link to comment
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