He lied, so why can't I get over him? (Sorry so long)

[kw1202]

This is my first time posting. I'm been reading post for the last 3 days and finally I've found the nerve to post. I figure I don't have anything to lose. It's funny because my EX told me he used this site a few years back when him and his ex split up because it was really hurtful and he felt like he had nowhere to turn. Funny how things happen in life. Anyway let me tell you my story.

 

My ex and I had been dating for like 7 months and we got close really fast. He told me about this one girl he had met online(we met in the city we live in) and that they had talked for awhile but nothing came out of it and that they didn't talk anymore. So at first I was like ok. Anyway make a long story short I found out that that had still been talking and although they may be just friends he still lied to me none the less. Ok I know this is petty but I'm not through. So anyway we got into a big fight about it because I felt like he should have just said from the jump that they were still friends. It would not have been a big deal, but he said that he didn't want to hear my mouth about it so HE decided to just not tell me. Things had been going ok for us then he got to a point where he was acting like he didn't want to be bothered with me i.e snapping at me and just acting plain rude. So for about a month I kept saying to him that there was a problem. I kept telling him over and over but he wasn't listening so finally I wrote him this long email and broke up with him, because I knew I didn't want to. So he leaves me several messages I call him and finally he listens so again we are still together.

 

Recently being my natural curious self I started reading his email. I know I know when you look for trouble you find it. Anyway I found some pictures that he emailed to a girl and at first I was pissed but I was like let me wait and see what is going on. So of course I would check his email to see what was up ( I believe they had been IMing and talking on the phone) Finally I see emails that she sent him calling him baby and saying she misses him and things about even though they argued things would work out and that she couldn't wait to see him. Asking him why he wasn't answering her calls (probably because he was with me) He use to always keep his phone on silent saying that he forgot to change it back after work.

 

I literally flipped out. Him and I were on IM at the time(we do that while we work) and I asked him about her and from there it was on. He lied about knowing her ,then he lied about reading the email and the more he lied the madder I got. To make a long story short we exchanged some nasty word and I went in and deleted every single thing in his email. I made it look brand new. When I say everything I mean contacts and all and emptied the trash. Please don't get me wrong I'm not proud of what I did but I was so furious with him because I felt like after all that I've done how could he entertain another woman. We argued from 10am until 5pm.

 

That night I felt bad about the things I said and I wrote him a long letter apologizes. I slept well that night but woke up like a demon seed the next day because I harassed him all day on email wanting to know why he did this and the more he told me to leave him alone the more pissed I got. All I wanted to know was why. Anyway so after work I know I called his phone over a 100 times and when he did answer cursed me out..lol..So anyway by 11pm he had his phone disconnected. The only reason I didn't call his home phone is because his parents are in town and I didn't want to have them thinking I was some lunatic chick, even though that's how I was acting and that's how I felt.

 

I'm hurt that he felt he needed to go outside of our relationship, I'm hurt that I feel like he didn't love me enough to just let me go if he knew he couldn't be true. Even after I found out that he told me some really unnecessary lies. I still love him and every day I have to make myself keep NC. When does this end? When will I go back to normal? I'm not the one who entertained another and yeah it might have been innocent now but I don't know when it started and how long it would have went on. Am I crazy for wanting him back?

[Nemo23]

Hey,

I've never been through a situation like this but... I would've done the exact same thing you did.... EXCEPT apologize I really don't think you should take him back. He sounds like a very unfaithful, commitment-challenged person. You may still love him because you're comfortable with him. But personally I would be strong, try to forget about him and move on. You have to face it... He's a LIAR. He has lied about everything you've confronted him with. That is just begging for relationship destruction. You may miss him but time will heal that soon enough. Cast him off and move on with your life. You don't deserve to be treated they way he's treated you.

[funnyCAgirl]

I know this must be a really difficult time for you and I am sorry you are going through this. If he was seeing this girl while the two of you were serious then if you stayed together you may just expect more of the same. I know it hurts because you want to know why. The answer is I think you know why... because he loved you but he is that type of guy. There is nothing he could say right now to change it anyway.

 

You may have gone overboard in your response, but it can be hard when then these happen. You should forgive yourself. Eventually you will feel better.

[kw1202]

I have been trying to forgive myself for just how I acted, because it's out of character for me. I told him in the beginning that if he had to see other women to just let me go. I feel bad that I deleted his email, but he got so mad at me because I busted him I didn't know what else to do. Hence why I wrote the letter of apology. I'm working on me. Thanks for the advice.

[ReadyorNot]

YOu know I went through a similar thing.

 

When I met my bf (now fiance) he use to chat alot online, and he had a few friends that lived a few hours away that he met online. I guess he briefly told me about this one chick in California. He didnt say much but she was like 5 years younger, and he started chatting with her maybe a week or two before he met me. SO thats it, whatever..

 

He had a website that an online friend made for him and a guestbook. It was the beginning of our relationship so I was really dramatic and wrote in it "Oh *** I Love you so much, I am so glad we found each other etc etc".... This chick ended up seeing that and writing the nastiest post in the guestbook and it was like she was extremly hurt... so I questioned my FI, then this chick ended up adding me because I had my ICQ number or something on there. Turned out, this whole time they were still chatting online and through email and she thought they were serious!

 

She even dug through old emails and sent me a bunch. He was going on how much he loved her, and he couldnt wait until the day they could met and be together.. and things he was saying to me, he was saying to her "example - you are my sunshine". HE EVEN said to her in an email that he was sorry he was going to visit his mother this weekend and he wouldnt be able to email with her and he didnt want to go, but he had to and he was going to miss her... this was the first weekend I went to meet his mom!

 

OMG.... I tell you.. I have no idea how we got through this... and keep in mind we were both 20. His excuse was that he thought it was funny how attached she got to him and he just wanted to see how far it would go and that everything he said to her were lies.... This guy must trully love me because I put him through **** for about 6 months after this. He never met her, and never spoke to her on the phone so it isnt important.... I got over it... And after this she was so angry and hurt she never wanted to speak to him again.

[kw1202]

I'm glad it worked out for you but he has said things like he never wants to see me again. I mean he has been just down right mean. I even got a email from her saying that they were just friends and that he still loves me but this was AFTER she sent me a email saying that she was his woman. I mean this is crazy and what I hate is that he has me looking like I'm the bad guy. I mean I guess if he would just tell me what was really up I could put some kind of closure on this. If he had of just been truthful in the beginning we wouldn't be here now

[neya]

I was in a situation fairly similar to yours. I dated a guy for a few months, then found out after starting to see me he'd gotten back together with his ex who was out of state. It was really horrible and really devastating. I felt just like you did, I wanted to know why and I also missed him and still loved him. Unfortunately, he asked for a second chance and i gave it to him.

 

The best thing this guy has done for you is probably refusing to see you or have anything to do with you. I choose with my heart not my head and it was the worst decision of my life. Yes people can change, but the past is a pretty good indicator of the future. I began checking emails and finding out he and the other girl still spoke. I don't know if it was just as friends or not, but the point is he promised me they were done. There ended up being an email exchange between me and her and it got pretty unpleasant. My guy went so far as to write and email as if it were from her and get her to send it to me.

 

The past few weeks of my life have been a nightmare. I know you miss him now, but when you get over this you will be so glad when you meet someone who doesn't lie to you. I spent months of my life trying to work on a very flawed relationship, which is what you'd have if he wanted you back, to have it all fall apart. Trust me you don't want that.

 

I also did a lot of things that were out of character for me, and I'm now ashamed of. But it helps me to think I would have never behaved in that way had he treated me with the respect I deserved. I hope this can help you a little.

[kw1202]

I had contact with him yesterday. I thought that he had changed his number but he didn't. I don't know why I called to check, but I did. I just wanted and needed some closure. It's funny because I spent time apologizing and explaining myself only to hear him say that he doesn't want the relationship because he could never trust me because I invaded his privacy with the email. He also said that he still loves me and that this was the dumbest thing he has ever broke up over. He still refused to tell me why she said that she was his woman and that she was only playing with me. That I don't believe. I have to start my NC all over again. I can't lie I still love him and I know I have to let go but it's hard.

 

I appreciate the comments from everyone because this has been really hard on me. Thanks for the support

[SuperDave71]

kw1202,

 

 

 

I suggest you start NC. regardless who said what and she said he said....A game is a game...

 

The way not to be played is to NOT PLAY!!

 

 

Leave him alone...He sounds liek a coward to me and he is playing the role of "Oh poor pitiful us" so he doesn't have to feel like the bad guy in the situation. Leave this guy alone....You can so so much better.

 

 

 

-SuperDave71

[kw1202]

Dave I did the NC and it lasted all of about 3 days. We talked and I finally got some answers I was looking for. Did this make me feel better? no. I actually feel/felt worst. We got together and though I suggested and wanted it I know that I only did it hoping that there would be some passion there that he missed (big mistake). I made things worst for myself because now I have a new set of emotions that I'm trying to deal with. I feel like I'm the one being blamed( or allowing myself to be) and all he is saying is you did this and if you hadn't of done that. The bottom line is he let her into our world and decided not to tell me about it. I'm still hurt and I've been talking to him hoping (probably like a fool) that things might just work out, but part of me is wanting to let go. I'm going to try NC again. I have to do something. I feel like I lost apart of me(not meaning him). I can't blame him on us getting together because I allowed it to happen. I don't think he really wanted to but he did(of course he's a man). I tried to talk to him about how it made him feel and basically what he said was that "That's why I didn't want to because I knew this would happen" (I assume me not being able to separate the two) I can't lie I do want to be back with him but not at this price.

 

I want to really talk to him about it but I feel like he will shut down. I'm thinking of doing the no no and writing another letter (because I feel that is the only way I can get his full attention). I want all or nothing and I'm at the point where I rather have nothing then to put my feelings in a box and be friends with benefits. He asked me "How are we suppose to move on if we keep doing this" My question was "do you want to move on" his answer "I don't know" Again I'm left in limbo. But I can say this...today I've decided not to settle for less then what I want. If he can't give it or doesn't want it then I know I'll have to move on as hard as it may hurt. Only time will tell what will happen next.

[SuperDave71]

KW,

 

 

 

Try NC for a few MONTHS....Days will not cut it whatsoever. Why? Because it doesn't allow ill feelings to heal. YOu are only throwing salt in your own wound.

 

 

 

Let it go ......for now.

 

 

 

--SuperDave71

[kw1202]

Ok I'll try that. I'll keep you updated. thank you

[SuperDave71]

You are more than welcome...

 

 

 

--SuperDave71

[kw1202]

I came here to try to get over my boyfriend. To just figure out what happened and the support I got was good. Even though I tried and failed several times at the NC. I've finally made up my mind that it's over between him and I. Even though he did some things that I was not happy with I still love him.

 

Over the weekend my mother got into a car accident and he was the first person I called. He called me back and just from hearing his voice I knew he called STRICTLY out of concern. Every day I have had to come to terms that I will never be with him again. It's hard, very hard. He says that he has to get himself together but I know in my heart that he will never be mine again. I know some people say why would you want him back? The reason is because even though things weren't perfect and mistakes were made overall it was a wonderful relationship. I miss that. I can't change who he is. When I committed myself to him I accepted him for who and what he was and yeah he may have fell short but still I love him.

 

I refuse to shed another tear. I refuse to call him anymore. I refuse to feel as though I can't take this anymore, because I can. Time heals all and that's what I need is just time. Time to think about what I want and what I need. Truth be told if he wanted to come back he could, but I won't wait forever. I can't put a time limit on it and I won't. Just one day I'll wake up and decide that what we had was special and store it in that small space in my heart.

 

He loves me I'm sure he does, but it's ok. People come into our lives for reasons that we do not always understand. I don't know exactly why he came into mine, but I'm glad I met him. There are lessons I learned in this relationship that I will carry within me (only the positive things). I just hope that he got something out of this too. Who knows? I just know that you live, you learn and life goes on.

 

Today I finally let go. wish me luck

[baddasslegend92]

SMH

[baddasslegend92]

[elisabeth1]

baddass why the face??

 

kw I think you are doing the right thing. If he wants to be with you then he will let you know. I went through a phase similiar to yours and I had to decide when enough was enough. I did notice that you left the door open for him to come back. If he loves you like you think he does eventually he'll come back. Be patient and give him space.

 

 

Good luck! pm me if you ever just want to talk.

[baddasslegend92]

[elisabeth1]

Im not sure why she came on here and told all our business

She said some very hurtful things to me.I have been threw it with this girl through thick and thin.When she was arrested I bonded her out with my house

 

I understand your angry but don't you think this was TMI and that this could be hurtful to her? I saw that she stated that you had been through another friend. I'm not taking any sides here but it seems as though there was a lack of trust on both parts.

 

She stated that you decided not to tell her about about these"friends". Do you feel you were totally honest with her?

 

I feel like this if you don't tell the truth then you are a liar. I'm not saying you are but in general. If a person tells a lie no matter how big or small they are still a liar.

 

Why did you feel you needed to defend yourself? Nobody knows you or her. Have you told her the things you said here?

 

I do agree "hacking" into someones email is wrong and there has to be some level of privacy.

 

In my opinion I don't think she came here to put your "business" in the street but that's what you did. From what you say you don't want her back and once she reads this she will know.

[kw1202]

If you want to know why I came here it was just to get all of this off my chest. I couldn't talk to you. I'm hurt that you would even put it out there about the arrest. I told everything from my point of view.

 

I didn't come here to make you look like the bad guy and me look like a angel, because I am not without fault. If you would have read EVERYTHING and not just picked out the bad parts you would have recongized that.

 

You said you were there for me through thick and thin? We have been there for each other. You didn't really say anything in your post that contradicts what I said. I admitted to my faults. Have you admitted to yours? This so called "friend" in TX was not in the picture when we first started dating. If you would have read you would known that I already knew about her, I just waited for you to tell me which you never did. The day I confronted you, you already knew that I knew. You never said she's my friend you pretended like she did not exist until I flipped out.

 

I'm not going to get into this. You said more then what really needed to be said and it's not cool at all. You succeeded in hurting me. I hope you feel great now. Thanks and you don't have to worry about me maintaining NC because you already know you had your phone disconnected again so that I wouldn't/couldn't call.

 

Even in all this I love you and want you back. Maybe I'm the fool.

[Icantstandhim]

Maybe I'm the fool.

 

 

I'm sorry but you are. He put you out there on front street and you still want to be with him? Ain't that much love in this world. I know your feelings have to be hurt.

 

Girl take his advice and keep NC your doing yourself a favor. Love is a 2 way street and this surely is not it. Get it together and let him be. No man or woman is worth this much humiliation.