Breakup due to suspected Borderline Peronality Disorder

[Vern]

Your comments will be apprecated.

 

I am currently reading the 62-page letter (posted on [link removed[/url]) with tears in my eyes. Many areas / pages of the letter I can replace with my name and that of my ex girlfriend (11 month relationship) whom I suspect has BPD. A week ago I felt like writing a similar letter to act as therapy - until I somehow stumbled accross the Letter.

 

I am 40-year male and my ex is 31. I am a university lecturer / business consultant with a good college education. Never been married with two longer-term relationships over the last 5 or so years. Both of them stable in nature, but broke up due to me not ready for marriage due to building a business / career. The current ex left school spent a couple of years overseas and is currently working as an assistant general manager at a local hotel / lodge. This is also where I met her. Really beautiful and I (we) fell in love almost immediately. She has been engaged twice – but never married. We are not living together, but I would spend 3 to 4 nights a week at her place. It will 8 out of 10 times be a beg / mission to get her to come to my place. A place she sometimes refers to as the holiday flat (can only be the sea / mountain view). I thought it could be a place where we both could live eventually...

 

She displayed insecurities right from the start and many have to do with ie. (I suspect) the fact that I drive a new Mercedes (my biggest hobby) / have a very comprehensive library full of academic and business books (big hobby). O yes I happened to be an ex-chef in military service that can cook up a storm when in the kitchen (big hobby). Up to the end she stressed when she wanted to cook – and all I ever tried to do was to support her and provide space for her while she is / was in kitchen. All big arguments from her side will have elements in of "it always about your car and your books" and then of course I did not even talk about it for perhaps days / weeks before.

 

She competes with all of the things that is so close to me – all the things that I wanted to share with her unconditionally. Unbelievable how often these things get thrown in an argument together with an "ego" I apparently have. And of course all the ladies that I take around in my car (in her mind) – "and that I see / flirt with every student / every day in my classroom(s)". My family and my wonderful off-line support system all appose the relationship – as I also carry some minor physical scratches from her outbursts. All are frightened I will come home via the newspaper one day.

 

It takes sometimes weeks to do any planning. She never thinks ahead for more than one or two days. And always when I invited her to go away with me for a weekend she complains that she does not have the budget (and this after my invitation). I have had to cancel more than one weekend – after paying for accommodation – as if she is punishing me / controlling me. Her mom once begged me to take her to a therapist. She refused. After I left her a couple of weeks ago the only message received was I should be the one to go. Eventually she agreed that both of us should go –and of course we never did.

 

Two weeks ago one morning I playfully placed a little sticker on her pants as she was getting dressed – she went ballistic. I sat in shock. After returning from the bathroom she requested that I should not sit in sulk / stare as if I am an abused child. I went to the lounge with tears in my eyes. – without her knowing. Hours later she apologized. This all a couple of hours before leaving for a weekend in the country. On more than one occasion when I did not take her calls (after fights) she would pitch at my apartment very smartly dressed to see I was on my own. She actually when walk-about in my room(s). An hour or so later she would tell me I am the best / most perfect man in the world. Hallelujah folks!!! – is this good or is this bad….? We would sometimes drive in the car and for absolutely now reason she would became distant and super-silent. It always felt that I did something wrong.

 

Everything the author in the Letter loved about Terry I see in my ex. But all the negatives are there as well. Although not as consistent - but when it flare up it leaves me devastated. I never ever before this relationship got abusive in any physical way - but here in trying to make points and hold her while she has outbursts left me to believe I can get physically abusive. And I am ashamed and appalled by my unprofessional action. And will be for a long time. I love her very much, but last week I left her for the second time in our 11-month relationship in a restaurant after she became verbally abusive (now I know that it is finished). She had to walk home for about 1.5 kilometres – I have had enough! I have not contacted her since.

 

The section the author in the Letter explained about the families is exactly the same as my family comparing to hers. Stability between my parents and children vs. abuse between her parents and her brother hitting her until she was about sixteen - and o boy and is she "cheeky" sometimes. Her beautiful face change into that of the total opposite - almost monstrous with no facial expressions / no intelligence - ten minutes later she is sweet - 20 minutes later she will be acting 10 years old to get all the attention. This behaviour she frequently used to get her way / or to apologize. I am just trying to explain the things as I remember it...

 

I have made No Contact with her for the past 7 days and I am busy picking up the pieces from my otherwise healthy self-esteem. The Letter provides so much sense and good understanding. I am so SAD. I would have done anything. But I realise now you cannot try to love somebody if the reciprocal feelings are not there. Love either manifests healthy (over time)or not at all – I now believe. I have more mature adult discussions with my day-to-day interactions with my students. It at least leave me fulfilled that no one is fighting.

 

I am not sure that my NC behaviour is the correct choice – but I need to come up for air.

 

I would like to add that I have never dealt with someone that could be stable / secure / in control and then suddenly to loose it so quickly for some trivial reason. I stay in a part of a country that grow and love wine. I am a social drinker and with my ex it is almost always a matter of when she are going to start with arguing (like not knowing her own inhibitions) after a few glasses of wine. Verbal abusive behaviour almost always happened. Too the extend where I tried to not drink wine at all. At the same time she tried quitting smoking. The next thing she accused me of denying her to smoke / drink. I will never do something like that. Knowing the potential outburst - and it is not my call.

 

With intimacy I feel like a stranger at times. Other times she will tell me I am the best lover in the world. Sometimes she will get this scared look on her face and I will feel / think "she might think she is being raped". I tried to communicate to her about this, but no real reaction. In the beginning she would push me away at the most intimate points. I think this is where my fear and confusion started. She also find it difficult to express her emotions - I always encourage her to cry if she needs to, but when she do it seems out of context with what is happening at that moment. She avoids / refuses discussion (in a nice way).

 

She will sometimes tell me that I do not love her and will leave her for someone else. This will come out of the blue when talking to her "about us" and how much this relationship mean to me.

 

One night in a long tantrum / rage I text a lady friend for "emergency assistance". The ex was not in the room – when the return message came through I was in the bathroom. She threw my mobile in the toilet after reading it... I left that night without socks and holes in my head due to physical abuse – as she threw anything at me what she saw in front of her. I know I should not have text somebody else. I have learned to deal with these things pretty quickly after that – and that is to walk away.

 

I once went to visit a friend of her mother's while visiting a client in the same area. When I told her about it she accused me of having an affair and she slapped me with force through the face twice. This while her brother and mother was somewhere else in her apartment.

 

Apparently when at school she was a provincial league tennis player. I tried to pick up the hobby with her, but for months could not go as far to get her rackets from her mom (in a different town). When talking about it she is always excited, but coming to the push to do nothing happened. Two weeks ago she said if we cannot even play tennis together, how could we expect to have a relationship. This after we went past the tennis courts (close to my apartment) / looked at new rackets. She seems never be able to make a decision with her in it.

 

I feel that she "run away" from almost all opportunity of social development / growth and planning the future might hold for her. I do not believe a lot of growth / social development happened in most of her child and adult life. I feel that she is struggling with her perceived gap between her position in life and mine (most other successful people – I do not think she will ever think of herself as successful). And her focus is only on the discrepancies in terms of my social status / income / living standard / education. She perceived me with egoistic status and living a high lifestyle to attract other people. I actually live so isolated – and are merely enjoying my lifestyle / hobbies when my doors are closed and when I am with her.

 

Many days she is not mentally older than about sixteen. Some days I think it goes down to about 12-14 (even lower). Even her smile / facial expressions / voice changes with her moods / feelings.

 

Vern

[DN]

Bottom line - she is physically and mentally abusive. Whatever the reason for that is not sufficient for you to have to tolerate it. If you got back together with her you would likely end up injured or dead or emotionally damaged and possibly in jail for domestic abuse.

 

Under no circumstances should you consider taking her back. A possible mental condition does not excuse such behaviour.

 

Get over her as quickly as possible and find someone with whom you are compatible and share similar and non-competitive interests; and who is stable and loving.

[stolenshadow]

Sadly you can't know what went on, she has to be evaluated by a professional to see if there's some mental illness or not, you can't diagnose something like that yourself.

More than why she was abusive I would be more concerned with why you tolerated so much abuse.

[WildChild]

I think you know already Vern that you have done the best thing for yourself. When reading your post, I felt like I was reading your diary entry. Not someone seeking advice, but someone finally letting all of his feelings out with no fear of judgment or abuse. Her problems are within herself, and you know this. Her mother asked you to get her into counseling showing you are not the only one in her life she has done this to. You cannot help those who do not want to be helped themselves. You have wittled away any energy left trying to save her from her own insecurities and if I dare say, psychosis.

 

I really don't believe you have any intentions of ever going back with her. You are finally free. Continue with your healing, you already started this by finally letting it all out in your post. Whether it is through writing posts for our listening ear, rereading the 62-page letter, or beginning to enjoy the things you enjoyed so much in your life before your relationship with her. It sounds to me that you had already found yourself and what your wants and needs in your life were way before you met her...find that man again. He is in there, you just have to let him out and not with her.

[toonsy]

My ex husband had BPD. He used to 'medicate' himself overtime with pot and cigarettes and alcohol. He tried for a few years to be someone he was not. And then he just cracked.

 

I never understood how sometimes i didnt recognize who i saw in his eyes. How could he be so soft and cry on my shoulder out of fear of losing me, but then knock me down on the floor and call me 'worthless'.

 

I tried to be understanding and 'there' for him. but the fact is, there was nothing I could do for him. my world revolved around him and walking on eggshells.

 

We divorced (obviously) and i realize that part of my attraction was to 'save' him and care for him. It wasnt true love or real love. I grew a lot out of that experience. I am a different person. I have learned not to be codependent.

 

This is not an easy thing. And your age difference is significant as well. As you may love her, you 'job' is not to take care of her. That is not an equal relationship. Being with someone like that would be lots of ups and downs. Especially if she doesnt get therapy.