My wife cheated on me

[dude2003]

Me and my wife are both 30 years old, have been married 8 years, and have 3 children. I love my wife and have always been honest with her. We have had our problems in the past, but who has not? Since January I have been dedicating all of my time to make our marriage better. I have been doing all the little things that fade after the first few years of marriage. She has told me that this was the best our relationship has ever been.

 

I just found out 1 week ago that she has been seeing her boss. I went back and looked at phone records and they have talked on the phone numerous times a day for the last 5 months. I found out that they have met for lunch, dinner, and a night at his house. They have slept together 3 times. I feel so hurt and stupid. I have not left her, deep down I want to work it out, but what should I do? How should I be acting? She is very remorseful and vows to do anything to save out marriage.

 

What bothers me the most is that they had sex not more that 2 weeks ago if I would not have caught her this would still be going on. This is very hard. Any advice?

[kdreger]

First off, I'm sorry this has happened to you. The loss of trust in a relationship due to a betrayal like infidelity is something that takes ALOT of work to overcome because a part of you will always distrust her. If she is serious about making things work, she has a long road ahead of her.

 

That said, affairs don't just happen. There is some reason she did what she did. What did she get out of the affair? If like you say, you had made the last 5 years special, it's not as if the relationship had stagnated. Did you ask her why? Why was she willing to throw away the marriage and her relationship with you and the kids over a fling?

 

You really have to assess if you want to save the marriage and if she is truthful in wanting to as well. It's not easy and both have to be dedicated to saving it.

[Heretic]

I've never been in this situation but it is something that needs to be addressed. I suggest briefly mentioning it to her, and suggesting counselling.

 

She could be very upset about this whole thing and say a lot of stuff that's not true about you, her and the whole relationship. Take every comment someone makes in duress with a pince of salt.

 

If you feel you can trust her that this won't happen again then everything should be okay.

 

If you have kids I suggest you keep them out of it for the time being as that will just add undo stress to the whole situation.

 

I wish you the best.

[SwingFox]

Hello dude2003,

 

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I understand that you must be in a lot of confusion and pain at the moment.

 

As I see things, you seem to have two options here:

1) You leave

2) You stay

 

Leaving your wife would be a natural and very human reaction. She has cheated on you, where you have tried so hard to make things work for you and your marriage. You have invested time and effort to make your marriage work and still she went somewhere else. Not very clever of her if you ask me. However, the truth is that you do have three children together and that you have been married for eight years. Are you ready to give all that up and have your kids leave in the knowledge of having divorced parents? That is a hard question.

 

On the other hand, if BOTH of you would like to work this out, it needs time, trust and confidence. First of all, your wife will have to tell you that she is going to choose for you and to let go of her boss. Is she going to do that? Is she willing to do that? If not, then I guess there's not much of a choice for you (or is there??). If she commits to you, she will have to be VERY patient with you, in order for you to find confidence and trust in her again. That will take a lot of time and patience. Is she ready for that? Could she do that? You will have to put effort in trusting her completely again and stop to hold her cheating against her immediately. Could you do that?

 

There's so much more question I could add to this, but I would suggest that you sit down and think about the implications yourself. I hope that this reply gives you an idea of what to think of. I wish you good luck and strength in making the right decisions that work for you, your wife and your children.

 

~ SwingFox ~

[luvsick41]

wow, very touchy.......i am married, and this would be hard........everyone says they wouldnt tolerate cheating, but who really knows till it happens...........ask her why she felt the need to do this, ask her what she saw in him, and ask her what attracted her to him..........and then figure out if she needs the thing she got out of him, and if u cant give it to her..............then something is wrong........it isnt over yet dawg, just sit and have a serious talk, and bring up the idea of conseling.......aight, 1.....hang in ther, i feel ya pain.....

[Chibi_usagi_noodles]

I say sleep with anothr girl, or beat her up! that willg et revenge on that bitch for what she did. Im a girl, but all females/ males should have honor for their partner, and she is missing the honour for cheating on u, the reason doesnt matter she should have settled it with u, cheating on u made her unhonorable, therrefore u shouldnt have any honor for her, shes out of the circle of trust/ honour wuteva u call it.

If u wanna stay with her under those circumstances then its uir decision, but if i was u id give her a good bitch slap or two, make her understand ur pain

[senabell]

I am so sorry that this has happened to you! When you truly love someone and they betray you as such it's hard to endure. If you truly love your wife and want to get over this you should indeed seek counseling. You also need to ask her the questions of why, how, and when. Why did she feel she had to go to another man for something she could get from you? How could she even decide to be with another man? When did she first start having these feelings and/or when does she have the desire to go to him? Is it after you two argue? I feel that if you have the answers to these questions you will be able to make a better decision about staying or leaving the marriage.

[tobigahart]

One hint... DO NOT stay together for the sake of the kids that's foolish. It will only be worse for the two of you and your kids if you do this. Parents breaking up isn' the be-all and end-all for kids, it's common these days and trust me, having two happy families instead of one unhappy one is far more ideal and suitable for the kids. And if you think I don't know what I'm taling about I do! My parents split when I was 10, boohoo I'm the happiest I could ever have been and that's because my parents were and are happy being with other people. Having parents split my be confusing for a bit but you get used to it and after a while it's just the way it is

[yeawutever]

I'm sorry to hear that this has happened to you. If you want to work it out and she is remorseful as you stated, then she has to answer all your questions and explained why she did it. Then you can detail all her e-mail accounts and ims. Also do let her know that this is the only second chance you will give her and next time is out the door along with divorce papers. But I would recommend on divorcing her because it clearly seems that she is only sorry she got caught. What's concerning is that she would have still done it if you had not found out, now that's alarming because then for how long would she have kept that a secret.

[extinct]

It kind of seems like there is a part of you that feels her cheating is justified...(?) Maybe she was getting some kind of revenge or she's given up on monogamy.

[extinct]

What a minute, I thought you were against cheating on one of your post or did you just only referred that in men. If so then why would it seem justifiable for a woman to cheat while the man gets labeled?

 

Wow I almost forgot that this thread is 5 yrs. old, close to being 6 now. I guess the OP must have solve the issue with his wife by now and trust got regain if possible.

 

Hey there.

 

I do not think any cheating is justified. In a case where one cheats-they stay together-and then, the other cheats later on... there is really not much to say. They are both cheaters in that case. I'm not sexist; just female who's seen a lot. NO, I'm not suggesting she had a reason. It was more of a question for the OP.

[extinct]

True but if there're problems whether or marriage or in the long term relationship, then you either talk it out or leave, why involve a thrid person, it solves nothing to the original problem, instead it adds more luggage into it.

 

 

yes I agree. Cheating is stupid.

[lady00]

If she is serious about making the relationship work, she needs to stop all contact with her boss. The only way for her to do that is to quit her job. I think she should if she's serious about being committed to you.

[Botched]

I second the leaving the job suggestion. But that isn't really a fix for the original issue(s) that brought this situation on.

 

First, breath and keep breathing.

 

You have to be convinced that she wants you or your everyday will be torcher. So talk with her and be prepaired for her to be honest. She may want out. She may feel horrible for wanting out, but if that is what she wants it is the only way.

 

If she wants you, you better be sure that you can supply her. If you want her you will. You can get past infidelity, but you have to grow with it. You must learn something about yourself, probably face things you already knew. Thats my experience.

 

Last but most important. Be Daddy! Be Daddy with all your heart. Best wishes.

[Rabican]

Id say kick her to the curb. A one night fiasco one might be able to explain away as a moment of brainlessness and maybe I coudl forgive that. A months long affair, basically leading a double life.... forget it.

[george237]

This thread was started in 03. hahaha

[ColorBlue]

This thread was started in 03. hahaha

 

And thus the train of posts quieted. =]

[servedcold]

Have seen some grisly necros in my day, but never a 5 year one.

[Rabican]

who the heck revives a 5 year old post? WTH

[yeawutever]

who the heck revives a 5 year old post? WTH

 

Yea, lol we didn't really notice. When I saw how old it was, I stopped writting while the others keep giving answers.