Ok another update on my story

[confusedashell]

Well not much has happened but the divorce papers I ordered came today and I started to sort them out. My wife is still very much against the idea of a divorce. I demanded a reasonable answer to why and I asked her to give me ONE good reason why not? after all, she had told me shes no IN love with me anymore, if she stays with me anylonger she'll cheat on me and so on. I told her I saw no reason not go get one and in all sense and purpose its what i wanted. heres what she said:

 

She FORCED herself out of love with me. That its a "survival instinct"/"self defense" because things got so bad in the last few months, that she feels o nervous and worried coming home incase theres an argument about something stupid or oncase we just start to scream unpleasant things at eachother. I said ok, but that was the whole reason I wanted to go to the Uk for awhile because I did NOT feel happy here. She says that she knows that, that she hasnt fallen out fo love with me from bordome, or wants someone else or whatever. and get this: Im the greatest person she ever met, I own her heart, she'll never feel the slighest of what she feels for me with another man, doesnt want another man, I'm the love of her life etc etc.

I said I dont need any sympathy crap just plain honest talk. She says that is plain talk.

 

so what to do? she says she needs time to get those feelings of nervousness away. I said we cant do that if we're apart, we need to work together for it. She says she cant do that right now. cant be with anyone. But no divorce. I leave for the UK with my son on Thursday. I dont know what to do. In SOME ways I understand her, but I dont understand that we have to "finish" this and still stay married.

 

any advice??

[TiredMan]

Maybe the finality of divorce scares her? That is what I think.

 

Perhaps she is in a place where she is very confused. That is what it sounds like from what you say.

 

I would mention how she keeps talking about what she wants. What about you? Does she think being apart but still married doesn't hurt you?

 

Man, my situation is tough like this. Every day is so different. You guys think since we still talk, that it will be alright. But it's just so unbearably painful to stay this way, and even more so to think about NC.

[DN]

File for the divorce but realise you may want to cancel it.

 

Go to the UK with your son and don't talk to her while you are gone, other than about your son. Let her think the divorce is going through. See what she does.

[Demond34]

I wish I knew what to tell you. Its like they have their own agenda but still can't tell you what it is.

 

I've been having this problem too, she loves me but is going to move away from me. um, ok? I said just tell me you don't love me the way you did, thats all i want to hear from you. SHe said I can't, it would be a lie. um ok again. I ask the question, would anybody move away from someone that they love and want to be with? My answer would be no.

 

But to come back to your case, it seems like she knows what she wants and that is, to be selfish. She forced herself out of love? I can see her protecting herself and putting her guard up but forcing herself out of love? I don't buy it. I've been following your posts and was wondering when you were gonna come back on an update. It seems you're doing really well except for the mind games she's still playing. I wish it were easier and spelled out in black in white, but its not. SO just do what you want to do or have to do. It hurts, it sucks but there will be better days.

[melrich]

What do you want to do? Sorry if you have answered that in other posts but I think that you need to be clear about that.

 

If you don't have the energy or desire to try and rebuild the relationship then do as DN says.

[confusedashell]

Hi all and thanks for the support and advice!

 

Its all very confusing and I'm finding it difficult to move really. Tonight a girl I know called me up asking if I wanted to go out for a few beers with her and her friends. I said no. I'm of course not in the mood for "that" kind of get together now. Even though I didnt go my "wife" was really upset by it and said "well if you're able to move on that fast, we're definitely over and i'm glad its finished". This from the woman who told me two weeks ago it wouldnt bother her at all if I met someone else. Thats pretty much how we started to talk.

 

Of course I WANT to fix things. I dont think there is much that isnt fixable. But I'm not willing to bang my head against a brick wall for nothing. She obviously just doesnt want to fix things. At least right now anyway. She seems to feel like that because she didnt really fall out fo love with me because of anything else other than things were bad and she took ten steps back, that sooner or later we'll be "back in that place". Thats all well and good if that is what we are aiming for, but I dont feel like that is where we are going. She gives very contradictory signals, words, actions etc. i think the only reason I am hesitating is because in some ways I do really understand her. Either way I was thinking about moving back to the UK for awhile because I just wasnt happy here with my situation (not my marriage). And I felt it was causing damage to our relationship. So I can see what she is saying. I just dont understand everything of her actions though. It seems really drastic and a lot of ways, I dont know if I fully trust what shes saying. She swears blind she is telling the truth. That if I'm patient then we'll be together again. But of course she cant promise anything. I just dont know if Im willing to sit around here "finished but married" and then one day she tells me she met someone else. And have to go through all this again.

 

I'm just starting to feel like divorce is the only road for me. Because if we are still married then in my head, in some way, we are still together. Divorce feels like a safe guard for my emotions later if it all goes bad. i.e. her with someone else. She wants to talk again saturday night when our son is away for the night.

 

Everyone I know is telling me not to file for divorce too quickly but to have the papers ready. I dont know. I feel like DN made a good comment: to file for divorce but realise I may want to cancel it before the 6 month seperation period is up.

 

Its difficult. Because I do understand her and dont want to be able to be painted as "she had problems, he told her get lost". esp with children involved.

 

Damn...this is the hardest thing I ever had to go through in my life.

[DN]

Why is she so upset that you were invited to go out drinking with friends when she has been doing that 3 or 4 times a week?

 

I think she seriously needs counselling - there is more to this than she is saying.

[confusedashell]

Why is she so upset that you were invited to go out drinking with friends when she has been doing that 3 or 4 times a week?

 

I think she seriously needs counselling - there is more to this than she is saying.

 

Because that girl is more interested in me than a friend. I was taken back by it because my wife told me that one of the reasons she wanted to end this is because the thought of me finding someone else doesnt bother her. Obviously it does. Last night she was saying "god, I really dont know how I would react if you met someone else". Just an example of her contradictory behaviour.

 

I mentioned to her about going to see someone. Either both of us or her alone. But she is not interested whatsoever. I dont want to push anything. The problem is, when I leave Thursday - its for good. Her plan is that we bounce our son around between the two counties for the next nine months (her one month, me the next) until she moves there in June. Thats what I mean by drastic.

[DN]

That's her plan. What is your plan?

[confusedashell]

That's her plan. What is your plan?

 

Theres not much else to do really. I cant and well wont stay here if we're not together and she cant drop her studies that quickly. It was my idea that she relocate to the UK by June and in the meantime work on having her studies transfered there. Shouldnt be too much of a problem for her to do. She is pretty agreeable right now but I'm still aware that sooner or later she could be very different about the whole thing. Thats my whole point to her: that staying together to try and fix this marriage is a lot less trouble in the long run than not trying to save it. Guess she must really want out.

 

I offered to go home for two months and come back. That wasnt a go either. In the end of the day she'll have a rougher time of this than I will. I get to go home, have my old job back, get on pretty well. In the meantime she has to find a new place to live thats cheaper, work part time, study full time. Take care of a child every other month. Then save enough cash to come and collect him when she has to and eventually have everything sorted and enough money to move to the UK and start her life all over again.

 

None of this makes much sense.

[DN]

It's really rough for you because she is so indefinite about what she wants. That's why I think you should take charge and file for the divorce. make something happen and force her to react one way or the other.

[TiredMan]

Yeah confused,

 

It seriously starts to play with your mind when someone you love and have loved for a long time, says one thing, then another, then acts one way, then another. You know my situation and it's driving me crazy right now too.

 

The hardest part is that during the relationship you see other ones and you say to yourself, "that will never be us" and "we are lucky not to be like that."

[confusedashell]

well we had the "talk". More of her being completely defensive and on the attack. This "talk" was her idea, not mine. I sat with her watching crap on TV for about two hours after our son went to bed and eventually got tired of waiting for her to start talking so I went on the computer, listened to some music and played a few games. I could sense that annoyed the hell out of her and asked i she was ok. She wanted me to come and sit and watch TV with her and eat some chips. I said i thought we were gonna talk and she says we should just relax first. Now I know this woman. Her "talk" is ten mins before she has to rush off to bed so I said thats not good enough. Well I said somethings I maybe shouldnt have. Told her I think ther studies has become the thing that all our lives revolve around, that her studies are absolute nr 1 in her life now and theres no room for me or barely even our son. She started to get mad because I was calling her "selfish". It seems that I cant really say how I feel without her lashing out and telling me I'm putting her down or saying shes the worst person in the world. So whats the point in even trying to talk to her?

 

Well bottom line is: she says she forced herself out of love with me as a (and get this) survival instinct because things went bad. That later we can try and fix these things when she wants a relationship again. Right now, and she doesnt know for how long, she doesnt want a relationship. Shes just "not available like that". Of course, she says she cant make any promises, but thats how she feels. She says she sees us at 30 living together and going on hoildays together. I'm the most important person in her life after our son. That no one will ever be able to take my place. I'm the greatest person she ever met. According to her this isnt just talk to let me down easy to make this easier on her. Its how she feels. She says she knows this is confusing and makes no sense but says - thats emotions. Thats how she feels and shes just trying to be honest. She still is very attracted to me and so on. Go figure! She doesnt want a divorce but she understands why I do and thinks its maybe fairer to me to get one.

 

Its been about three/four weeks since all this started. A girl I know is starting to show some interest in me. I like her and shes attractive and all but I'm just not there in my head with women right now. But I thought it might help just to go and meet her when she called and asked a few times. I turned her down a lot over the last few weeks but she invited me to a BBQ with her and some friends last night and I said yeah sure. Now my "wife" told me that one of the reasons she didnt want to be with me was becauase the thought of me finding someone else didnt bother her. Well she went absolutly insane over this. Said that I "sealed the end of this relationship by talking to another woman". So as evcerything else, the end of this relationship was my fault! I cant do ANYTHING right. I told her if shes not willing to let the past GO then we cant have ANY kind of relationship outside our son. I did mistakes, treated her badly and she did me. We had a bad situation with me moving here. We didnt spend enough time together: all easily fixable. So if she was going to bring up the past EVERY time I got annoyed with something or everytime we have an agruement then I dont want her around me. I dont want to live like that. She says she will leave it all go. I hope shes right.

 

Shes got the most irritating habit lately of telling me about all the men that are into her. Yes shes very attractive, slim, blonde, swedish woman, and I know people like her, but what purpose does it serve to tell me about men asking her out, doormen at clubs asking her out, people telling her how beautiful she is on the street? I dont want to know that crap. I dont tell her about the women wanting me. I dont see the point. But she insists on telling me. Then says its MY fault she tells me because I mention about some girl who wants me to go to a BBQ!!

 

This is all driving me insane. Out of here in a few days..thank god!

[DN]

Of course she is making it your fault - because she knows she is wrong and doesn't want to shoulder all the blame for it. Don't let her get away with it.

 

Take a position and stick to it. Tell her she is being selfish and self-centered in the extreme, that you are tired of her pathetic rationalisations of her behaviour; and that you will not allow her to wreck your life. Say that from now on you intend to do what is best for you and your son since she has made it quite plain that she has no regard for your well-being at all.

 

Tell her that what she is saying about her love for you and her statements that you may get back together in the future are self-serving nonsense designed to make sure she has a fall-back security blanket and that you are unconvinced about her veracity and sincerity.

 

In other words - call her bluff, tell her outright that you don't believe her and tell her to stay out of your life unless she stops her selfish behaviour and starts acting as a loving wife and mother determined to make the marriage work so that everyone is happy.

 

Say that, and repeat as necessary.

 

And file for the divorce.

[TiredMan]

Confused, she sound like the woman in my situation EXCEPT for the other people stuff. No mention of any new guys or girls and I know there are not any. But for her to blame YOU is ridiculous.

 

So the question boils down to this. She obviously sounds like someone who knows what she is feeling is unfair to you but is hoping you accept it. That is being selfish. Ask her if she doesn't want a divorce and she wants to sort through her feelings and if she does feel all this for you, why would she get so crazy if you hang out with someone? Does she want you to sit at home and do nothing all the time? I'd love to hear her response to this.

[confusedashell]

I certainly do NOT think all those "we'll get back together later...maybe" things are sincere. They dont hold any water for me. Its all done. If we ever got back together, honestly: it'd be a miracle for me. The trust, security is all gone. I dont see how that could ever be gotten back. When I do tell her she is being selfish she tells me that that is why she cant be with me because I make her feel back and put her down. Sorry, but thats just how I react to what you're doing. She cant take it. She can critise me like hell but if I say one thing about how I feel about the way she is acting: I'm putting her down.

 

The thing with that other girl isnt really anything to me. I have no interest. I just want to be alone and get over this now. But what was interesting was her reaction. Firstly telling me she wouldnt be too bothered with me finding someone else. Then when I tell her I'm going to meet that girl she throws a fit and tells me I pretty much ended everything by talking to that other woman. She gave me such a guilt trip on it that had I even wanted to go and meet that woman I wouldnt. Heres why it annoys me: I KNOW for a fact that when she meets someone else and I react badly to it she'll tell me as cold as ice that its got nothing to do with me, that she doesnt love me like that and that this new guy doesnt treat her badly. She'll tell me as brutally as possible that I cant tell her what to do. I know she will. She finished this: I dont owe her ANYTHING now. I tired to fix it, was willing and able to fix out problems and she wasnt having any of it. Then when I say "ok, I'll move on" I get a guilt trip and the blame for messing all this relationship up.

[TiredMan]

When I do tell her she is being selfish she tells me that that is why she cant be with me because I make her feel back and put her down. Sorry, but thats just how I react to what you're doing. She cant take it. She can critise me like hell but if I say one thing about how I feel about the way she is acting: I'm putting her down.

 

 

This is EXACTLY what I have been telling her in my situation. It drives me crazy. I said this "it bothers me that I care so much about your feelings and you care so much about your feelings. I guess mine don't count now?"

[DN]

Somebody can only send you on a guilt trip if you are willing to go. So don't go.

 

Why are you even listening to what she says when she is so negative? Just tell her that you are done discussing anything with her other than a proper reconciliation. You will not listen to her excuses, her blaming, her tales of how men are hitting on her, her complaints about you and the way you behave or if you are seeing anyone else.

 

You said you are done with her: so tell her that and mean it. And having said that, then stick to it.

 

No more rambling, incoherent conversations; no more explanations, expositions or extrapolations. She's no longer your de facto partner and will soon no longer be your de jure partner either.

 

Be strong and assertive - that doesn't mean overbearing and aggressive. It just means you take a position and stick to it.

[confusedashell]

You're completely right. The problem is I do still love her and she is the mother of my child. While driving me insane. I'm well over the shock of all this and am on the road to moving on. In fact I'm doing really well considering all whats happened. But I know how is she is and I know that even if she does meet someone else, she'll tell me later that all my assertiveness and my not willing to hang around is the reason we ended. It'll always come back to that: all this is my fault. I know she is putting herself in a situation that later when our son asks whats wrong she can tell him that I was the one to blame. Shes a clever girl. She knows I love her and she knows the idea of her with someone else drives me insane. shes playing her hand well, she knows I'm here and she is using it whenever she wants. But come the day she meets someone else she'll turn cold as ice.

[DN]

Whatever you do she will find some way to blame you - and she will likely tell your son it was your fault as well. So don't be blackmailed by that threat. It's just as manipulative as everything else she is doing.

 

And, later on, take the high road and don't play the same game. When your son asks you what happened just tell him that sometimes parents don't get on well and have to separate, but that doesn't mean he is not loved and he is not to blame in any way.

 

Chances are that he will eventually figure out for himself what she is like. She will probably be as selfish as a mother as she is as a wife.

[TiredMan]

Have you mentioned to her perhaps to try therapy? If she is like mine, she'll get all defensive about it but it's worth a shot perhaps? Even both of you?