Just feeling Really Down Today

[blueyes25]

Hello Everyone!

 

I am just having a miserable day and felt like posting something to get my feelings out there.

 

The last time I talked to A was on 8/3. (He called me) I feel like A died that day along with a piece of me Nothing changed and I felt like we were going around in circles. I realized the phone call had nothing to do with me...it was to quell his own pain and everything he is goign through. Unfortunately, I have figured out that we cannot console each other as it is very damaging to me. It's funny b/c I don't even log in to IM anymore. I don't want to be tempted...his screen name and status used to help me - it made me feel closer to him. Now, it would only hurt me.

 

I just cannot seem to get my whole head around acceptance...which is why I feel so miserable. I am filled with grief - literally as if someone died. I feel so much sorrow and sadness. I cry easier now, than I did when it first happened.

 

I wish there was some sort of finality for me - I wish he would've closed the door or given' me some lame excuse - but he didn't. That is a double edged sword folks, b/c it makes it that much harder to move on. I am battling with this and in turn, am still circling around acceptance.

 

What I have learned is that I have to find my own closure - that is my responsibility...it is not up to him to define this for me. I have a choice to find my own peace - wether he decided to close the door or not. I am trying, but I cannot say my heart is there quite yet.

 

I try to have patience with myself and be as kind to "me" as I can - but I am so sad and tired - I am tired of being tired and trying to fake my way through the days. Although, sometimes it helps to be positive - there are days when I just can't hide behind a smile anymore. I feel like I am broken...and today I am in pieces again - trying so hard to hang on - but I keep breaking down in my office...

 

Oh well, this too shall pass...at least I am not the only one...

 

Hang in there everyone...and thanx for reading

 

Blue

[lady00]

I think you've got the right attitude. All you can do is try. Sometimes you're gonna break down. Some days will be harder than others. But slowly, surely, you will have more good days than bad. Take comfort in the fact that you will heal with time.

[blueyes25]

Thank you - I appreciate that very much...it is just so frustrating! I am normally a very strong individual, but I feel like this has got a hold of me and I just can't let go...it's brutal, but I know it can't be this way forever. I have resigned myself to giving it up to the Universe b/c I have no control over this...

[loveydovey]

It's so weird that love is the ONE thing in our existence to have such a hold and power over EVERYONE. No one is excluded. I marvel at the fact that love (or lack thereof) can cause the strongest person to crumble and breakdown from pain and heartache. Relationship troubles are said to be #1 or #2 cause of stress amongst individuals today.

 

With that being said, I agree that it will pass. Be strong and remember that it IS just a period that one must go through when ending a relationship. It'll get better. I hope that the words and advice here do not provide ample comfort for you during this time. Good luck!

[blueyes25]

Yeah - one day at a time, one foot in front of the other...the only way to go, is through it - there really isn't an escape or any sort of instant gratification.

 

I try to take comfort in the little things that make me happy, but it just doesn't stop the pain - it only numbs it for awhile.

 

Funny how this seems to be the one thing they haven't found a pill for...LOL, although I have never been one for medicating feelings, so I probably wouldn't go that route even if there was one out there for broken hearts...

[HappyKat]

Blue eyes, I'm in a similar boat....

 

Unfortunately, I have no words of comfort. Just want to wish you strength.

 

Reading this forum is really helping me sort things out, and realize that there IS life after "him"...eventually.

 

Be well, sorry you're feeling so down.

[blueyes25]

Thank you for the posts! I appreciate it...

 

I think I'm gonna post on this thread every day...it can't hurt and may help - espcially when I am able to go back and look at where I started and how far I get down the road

 

My thread is going to be about my journey through this thing we call healing - maybe it will help....

 

Anyway, here is what I have to say today:

 

I miss Andrew so much every single day that passes - my heart aches for him - I just wish I could be there, but I know that I can't. I realized today on myspace, that there really is no one else. I was so freaked out this week that I was going to find that he was indifferent and trying to hook up with someone else...I was kinda hoping for it - or trying to convince myself of it - thinking it would close the door or something. Boy, was I ever wrong!! He was not lying to me - but then again, did I really expect that he was? Has he ever before? The answer to both of these questions is NO!! Through this whole thing, he has been honest with me - that is one thing that was never wrong with our relationship - we had that kind of trust. I hope I am able to find that again one day b/c I realize that is something that I need - and that I like to give...trust.

 

I just miss him every day and it makes me feel awful inside - honestly, today I feel anxious - anxiety again - am not so sure why - it is not like anything happened...I guess it's still me running around in circles with myself - battleing and trying to come to grips with what I am leaving behind. Its rough....hey, on the upside - I am not crying in my office today

 

I went out with a jerk (pretty much a blind date - I hardly new him) who 10 minutes into the movie tried to grope my leg yesterday - I left this jacka** in a movie theater by himself! He deserved it. This experience made me realize that I am not ready to date ANYONE and that I should have listened to my gut and not went in the first place b/c I didn't really want to. The experience made me want to puke!!

 

After this, I felt disgusted and I cried and wanted to call Andrew - I didn't. I called my friend Matt and had a good laugh - then made myself a good dinner and watched Sex and the City - tried to go to bed, but woke a 3am with anxiety in my gut and a head full of thoughts I didn't want. I was sad

 

I have plans all weekend and am looking forward to them - I try to take the most from all my happy moments and laugh as much as possible as well - this helps me sooooo much!

 

Thanx for reading

 

Blue

[Bounder]

Keep going Blue, and we'll keep reading. You're right, its great that youguys have that honesty still, and trust him, but dont assume anything...just do what YOU need to do to get better. The rest will happen however it will happen. Keep writing though, I am sure it helps. One day, some guy wont grope your leg in the theatre but rather will lean over and ask if you want popcorn or if you can see ok, or if your warm enough.....trust me it will happen!

[blueyes25]

He did manage to ask me if I wanted popcorn BEFORE he decided to grope my leg LOL - I said "no"

 

Anyway, I am a strong, independent, successful, young woman...full of love, compassion, and energy!- and I am pretty cute too I keep telling myself women like me DON'T wait! I know there is someone out there for me...

 

I just think it will be awhile before I find him - and that's ok...

 

Anyway, it is hard to remember these things when you just want to be with the one you love and your heart hurts- regardless, I try to remind myself of the positive things everyday.

[blueyes25]

Hello All!

 

Well, I can say that last week sucked!! However, I have made it 12 days NC!! I am feeling better this week and I had a good weekend. I am so glad to be feeling a bit better - there is no telling how I will feel tomorrow or the next day - but I am going to take my happiness now and hold on to it for as long as I can b/c I know the down moments will come back eventually - ahhh, the roller coaster of grieving.

 

Anyway, I went on an inadvertant date last night with my friend, Matt. I have known him for quite awhile - we actually went to high school together and dropped out of touch and then we ran into each other on New Year's and then again recently. He got divorced 6 months ago - his wife cheated on him 1 month after they were married Anyway, we get along really well and he took me to this great restaurant last night - we had this fabulous dinner, a bottle of red, and great conversation. We hang out sometimes, but this time was different. I just wasn't prepared - anyway, I kissed him (well, he actually kissed me when he walked me to the door - but I let him!! That was a huge step for me) - I think it was the wine...not sure I thought it would make me feel sick, but it didn't really at all - in fact, I enjoyed it! I guess I just wanted to know what it would be like to kiss someone else and if I would like it or not.

 

I am comfortable with him and we both know each others situations, so it feels safe. A kiss is just a kiss -

 

Anyway, he is my friend and will remain that way - I have never been a casual dater - and didn't plan on being one - but I know that I am not over Andrew yet, so I have to be careful. I know myself well enough to know I am not ready - Matt knows this too! Thank goodness he is understanding - I think we are both kinda in the same boat right now. Maybe that is why it feels safe.

 

Anyway, I guess we'll see - all I know is that I enjoyed his company and had an amazing time....

 

stay tuned

[FCTex]

It gets better. I'm a shade over a week of "taking a break", which with NC, turned into "breaking up" eventually. I'm a 20 year old guy. Very mature considering what I'm compared too, and I broke down.. That first week of "not really knowing what happened" just killed me. I cried in public, in my car, in the shower, in the bed. with my friends, with my family. Everyone. I reached out to people I hadn't talked to in ages, people I left behind for the "love"... I reached out and they reached back.

 

Go rekindle stuff with old friends. My friends took me back, and with a smile..

 

Today I broke NC, and confronted my ex about our situtation. I needed to know. I needed the closure from her. I needed the final equation. It wasnt' what I wanted to hear, and it hurts to think about it. But you know what. I was strong. I didn't cry, I didn't hate, I didnt blame. I nodded. I yes I agree, I smiled and said thank you..

 

I'm not upset about it like I think I should be. I prepared myself for it. I figured on the worst, and I got it. I love her. I will always I think. I'm hurt, yes... And I'm numb, but it gets better to not think about it. I'm at the point where I'm mad, but I'm excited to go out and try again. I dont think I wasted a year and a half, and thousands and thousands on her. I consider it a fine investment of my life and my finances.. She told me she wanted to be alone now, and later on, start dating other people. I agreed, but we're gonna try and be friends too, because our lives even though we're not togehter, are still connected, with our families and my full time employment.. and like she said, and I'll always think.. Who knows what could happen in a few months, or a year. We both could be right where we are now, and realize we both made mistakes, and try it again.

 

You can have hope, just don't let it take the drivers seat of your life.. I dont have very many bad memories of her and I, just good ones, really good ones.. So it's sad to just "miss" those right now..

 

I promise it's getting better, and your not alone in this.. I'm worn out from all of this, and i feel like it's out of my hands now.. but your not alone, there are tons of other people out there doing the same thing you are right now.

[blueyes25]

Another day, another post...I am having another "down" day. I am not sure why. Nothing new has happened and yet I feel like I am going to start crying anytime now. I can't wait to leave work as my day is dragging.

 

Today is Friday! It is supposed to be a good day. My girlfriends B-day is tonight and we are having a party at a friendly local bar. I know this will be fun and will cheer me up, but I still don't even know why I am down.

 

This whole "healing" thing is bizarre. It has been 2 months. I still feel sad and I miss him very, very much. I have even started casually dating (not sleeping with them) someone that I "like" very much. However, my mind wanders to A often. I am ok with the situation at hand - I am even at peace with why we can't be together now - but my heart still longs for him - I still get very wistful at times and this brings me down fast

 

I am not sure how I am even supposed to be able to completely feel things for someone else again. The thought in the back of mind is still that somehow A and I will end up together somewhere in time. I am not sure how to change this feeling - of course it didn't help that one of the last things A said to me is that he always thought we'd just end up together. (He said this in reference to me trying to "close the door", so to speak) Last year, when A walked back into my life and we finally had our chance together - I was certain that he was the ONE. Now I am fearful that I may not have those instantaneous feelings for anyone again. If I do not have that type of instantaneous reaction - does that mean I am not in love? that the new person will never be the one? that I won't be able to love them as much or as strongly?

 

Maybe these questions are completely irrational. I know these questions seem strange, but I am really afarid of this. I don't want to always compare my feelings for one person, to another - this hardly seems fair to myself or to the other person.

 

The bottom line is that today I miss A - I miss him with everything in me and my heart aches. I think I am getting better - but then everythign comes creeping back - he's like a ghost that haunts me and I can't help but feel as time creeps by, we are drifting further away from each other. This thought haunts me as well - as it breaks my heart everytime. I just care about him so much and I don't want him to just disappear from my life - however, I am smart enough to know that I can't have him in my life right now b/c it is too painful. I am the one who asked him not to contact me - and this was for a reason. I still think I made the right decision - but I miss him so much and I still love him.

 

What a day - I hope I will feel better tonight - I want to have fun!

[litoosh743]

Hey there,

I know how you feel, after me and my ex split up for the final time, I missed him and loved him everyday, for 7 months. It just wouldn't subside. I couldn't understand, we didn't speak at all, I didn't see him for all this time, and still it felt as strong as it did at the start. So I thought, maybe i can't stop thinking of him because he's the one for me. I dated, and tried to get him out of my head but just couldn't no matter what I tried. Then I saw him, and since then we've been seeing eachother, but only because he's out to get one thing of me, and its been going on for about 7 months now. I see him once a week, hoping that maybe, there is a small chance that he'll see me the way he saw me before...but he doesn't...he just uses me...and I know how bad it is for me, I know how much damage I'm causing to myself, and how much time I'm wasiting...I just can't seem to say no to him because i still love him and all I can think of when he calls is that I just want to see and feel him again. But lately its been so painful that I think I'd rather go back to the way it was, just loving him from a distance, and waiting for it to vanish. I think I prefer being in pain and not seeing him than seeing him and seeing in his eyes that I mean nothing to him.

I know what its like, I used to say to myself all this time a bit longer and something has to happen, I will come to turms with the fact that he's gone and I'll recover from it". I guess that if I would have waited long enough I would have entually healed. I can't know that now, but the way things are going it looks like I'm gonna start all over again, and this time, I may have the release I've been longing for all this time.

You can never know whats going to happen, so my suggestion is to just let it be, miss him, love him, until it changes for which ever way.... you are a strong person, and everything you're going through is natural, just keep on going, we're all with you.

[Unchained_melody]

You know what I try to do sometimes you can try this too and it might help.

 

I try to imagine that He is deeply deeply inlove with me. Even though it's not true in reality, but I was talking to him the other night and i heard him say 'I love you' in a friendship way, and I tried to imagine he said that in a romantic way, the way he used to feel.

 

After imagining that and perceiving it like that, I suddenly felt better. I feel real when I am being loved. And the ironic part of it is that - I felt like 'I don't need him', because he loves me alot, I don't need him in my life. Strange as it sounds but perhaps that is how I really feel about him while I was being loved. Because when we are not being loved, we feel lonely, neglected and desperate. These feelings automatically make us assume that we need that person and that person we lost was the source of making us feel good. When it's gone, it makes us feel like we 'need' them, even if it's not really how we truly feel.

 

I think somehow, How we truly feel comes out when we are being loved. And when we're not being loved, we fall into an illusion that we need them all because we are feeling neglected.

 

If you can't try that, try having a warm-hearted talk with your family or close friends or somebody who you know loves you unconditionally then try to imagine they were him/her (ex). I know you will suddenly feel different about yourself.

 

I think we just need to 'BE LOVED' to feel LOVED. Not by WHO LOVES US.

 

Memories can play a great part in turning our happy moods into sad ones when we remember what we used to do together with our ex partners.

But remember - that memories and feeling that way is a reaction of feeling 'neglected'.

After a break up, We feel as lost as a child 'neglected' by his or her parents. Because it's not mainly because that person who broke up with us, it's about not having that love that we needed or being scolded as a child.

Losing love takes us all into past childhood memories, traumas, our deepest fears, our loneliest moments. We must find out 'How to feel simply LOVED' by any kind of source in order to stop feeling the way we are miserably feeling right now.

[blueyes25]

Thank you both for your posts!

 

I have had a really tough weekend. Andrew has been on my mind, I somehow caught a cold (the stress catching up with me I guess), and I just found out that my roommate is moving out in 2 weeks Our landlord wanted to move some 35 guy into the house with me. No one told me until yesterday and they knew 3 weeks ago. I have never even met the 35 year old guy. It doesn't make me comfortable at all. I feel miserable. As if I needed anything else to happen -I feel like my world is all f'd up and I know things will get better - but I just want to crawl into a hole and cry. I just don't want to face it anymore. I am frustrated.

 

Irrationally enough, I wanted to call and yell at Andrew for this. None of this would've happened had he not had his "issues" and left. Of course, I didn't pick up the phone - I just cried instead.

 

I know all of this is just growth and that everything happens for a reason. It is amazing how your life can be headed in one direction and then suddenly becomes something entirely different. This is the beauty that makes life worth living. I know things could be way worse - but it just gets so hard sometimes and somedays feel unbearable.

 

I miss Andrew so much everyday. My feelings are changing and I have made progress, but he is never far from my mind. I never forget and I can completely identify with thinking that one day my feelings will just be different - I iwll be healed. I am sometimes scared that I won't ever get rid of that "what if" in the back of my mind.

 

Thank you for reminding me to stay away - and love from afar if I must. I know it is better for me, but I just can't fathom not having him in my life. I don't want him to move on. I don't want him to be happier without me I know this is all irrational and selfish b/c eventually I would like to be happier without him and I would like to move on. Ultimately, I would like us to be together, but I know why we can't and why it just won't work - especially right now.

 

Thank you so much for your input - it helps so much and keeps me from making a mistake and reaching out to something that is unattainable. I hope this week is better

 

I hope you guys are doing ok as well!

 

Blue

[gradle]

hi blue...

i completely understand...your posts is like my thoughts/feelings written down,...

i'm going through this with you. hang in there...you're doing great, much better than i am...i hope to have your strength soon...

i'm thinking of you............

[Bounder]

Keep going Blue. Reading your posts reminds us that we're not alone, and that good people go through rough times. You are doing amazing, dont ever doubt that!

[blueyes25]

Bounder and Gradle - thank you so much..it is nice to know that you guys are both there...

 

Maybe it is just all the added stress of trying to figure out what to do next with my living situation etc, but I am now struggling with NC. For some reason, I want to talk to him so much. On Saturday, I wanted to call and yell at him and now, I just want him to comfort me. Maybe it is b/c I don't feel strong and when I wasn't feeling strong - somehow he always managed to make me feel stronger. I know I don't need him to feel strong, but he was like reassurance. I feel like everything is changing to fast and I am not prepared. I know that life is what happens when you aren't prepared, but sometimes it just feels so difficult.

 

My heart hurts I know there is no real reason to contact A. I am almost to 3 weeks of NC. I just miss him and our mutual friends. I talked to one of my girlfriends from that side of the group on Saturday. She also just broke up with someone in the group, although she is not really in love with Buck anymore and so she isn't really struggling. She is 28 and has had a few more experiences then I have. She told me that I need someone more emotionally stable and mature anyway...course, she also said she doesn't know Andrew that well, but that I deserved more than what he seemed to be able to give. She is right! I can't be with someone who is an emotional wreck. He probably did me a favor, but it still doesn't feel that way. I would've stood by him if he had let me. I understand the why we can't be together, but it still hurts with longing.

 

I know I need to fight through this and that things will get better as soon as I get settled again... I just feel like I am in choas right now and I am spinning....

 

I hope things get better - if I can just make it through August and September (past his B-Day) - I think I will feel alot better.

 

I hope you guys are doing ok. Bounder, I'm gonna return your PM now. Gradle - you are strong! I have read your posts too...and thank you both for making me feel strong when I really feel weak.

 

Blue

[Bounder]

Im just glad to able to give back some of the strength you all have given me, thats all. Keep writing, and so will we, and who knows what we'll discover along the way

[gradle]

hi blueeyes...

i just wanted to see how you've been doing...

i completely understand how you feel, how you feel so angry some days and so sad and lonely and forgiving other days...

stay strong ok? you're doing awesome!

[FCTex]

I'm getting stronger by the day, and I promise you will too!

 

There is hope in it. NC is amazing for me, even though my ex is starting to try and contact me. 1 text and phone call in 4 days.. It's getting more frequent. I talked to her, but you know what, I kinda didnt want to..

 

 

Think of it this way... Don't think about getting back together, at all. If it happens, it happens, but do everything for yourself, and heal. If you do get him back, or do come to a friendship, or anything, you'll be healed, and in the end you'll be surprised to what happens with your relationships, with him or not... If you dont get what your looking for you wont be disappointed, you'll be better off for working on yourself.

 

Your strong, just talk about it. I find it helping me daily. I didnt want to talk to my ex at all today, until she called tonight.. I'm in the best mood for a night that I have in a while!

 

I'll pray for us, everyone who's suffering the same heartbreak.

[blueyes25]

Hi gradle, bounder, FC, and all!

 

Thank you so much for wondering about me and for the encouragement.

 

I wanted to post an update. I have been talking to A this week...I just had a bunch of home and family stuff kind of collapse on me and it triggered all my thoughts of him. I broke my 3 weeks NC. I realized the reason I did it was b/c he was my stability, my reassurance - I ran for the shelter of love. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I know he loves me etc. That was the last thing he said to me 3 weeks ago. Anyway, when I did talk to him - it was without expectation....and it made me feel supported. We talked about alot of things - and the whole feel of our IM was "relief".

 

Some highlights:

 

B: do you ever get scared that u will never get over this?

 

A: I do - I worry about it quite a bit...especially when I get deeper into fixing things and worry about how long it would take for me to do it- as I go back and look at all the things - and the things that are going on now...

 

B: me too! I am going through this alone, but I feel like I am still going through this w/ you...even hen I don't want to be.

 

A: I feel like I am going through it w/ u to!

 

B: I just want u to be happy - and A, I wish it was w/ me - but I still want u 2 be happy - even if happy means w/o me (as much as I hate to admit that)

 

A: I know...I want u to be happy too...and I want me to be happy, and I hope to God that someday we can be happy...

 

B: Did you mean "we" as in "us" - someday, someway

 

A: I did - "we" as you and me! I want to be w/ you again someday, I want you back when I can get everything sorted out. I want us again and I want to be whole for you. I hope that there will be some way that you can possibly forgive me for everything that I have put you through...I hope that someday I will be able to explain everythign to you...I hope that you are still around when I dig myself out!

 

B: Keep digging!

 

A: I will! and I am - I have been making pretty good progress I think

 

B: I believe in you

 

A: I know - and because of you, I believe in me too

 

B: One day you have to realize that a pair is a pair - 2 people - you can;t shut me out whenever something goes wrong...and let's face it, you are going to be dealing with these things for the rest of your life to some capacity.

 

A: I know...

 

B: hopefully, when you get a better hold of it - you will be able to share

 

A: There is a bit more going on than I ever told you...than I ever told anyone before last week

 

B: I know - you referenced that last time we talked.

 

A: I am getting there though....once I get back on my feet...

 

A: I am so glad I got to talk to you - the reason I haven't is b/c you asked me not to.

 

B: I know - but did you really think I left you?

 

A: I don't know - differently each day, I guess.

 

B: I just hope things get better - I miss you

 

A: I miss you too! every single day!

 

B: everyday!

 

B: Bye!

 

A: bye for now....

 

So, this is my life - it is really a shame I didn't put the whole IM in here - this was a small piece. I didn't have any expectations - so I don't hurt b/c I talked to him - I just ache b/c I love him. I am back to NC and am going to Mexico this weekend.

 

I am very proud of him - and still lonely without him...

 

This sucks!! I am stressed out! - I wouldn't recommend contact to anyone - I think maybe I should have stayed away, but I made a choice. I don't regret it - but it still kinda sucks.

 

Anyway, it is back to day by day - I am stressed to the max and am more worried about moving, work, and family right now! - on top of everything with A. Everything just feels hard....

 

But I know I am getting better - I think once I get settled after the move - I wil be in a better place- right now Ijust feel like I am swimming in ambiguity and I am uncomfortable. I have faith every night and I pray that the Universe will give me some answers.