I need help, my ex is driving me crazy!

[Nap-Man]

Ok, I need some advice here.... I am at a complete loss for what to do. Short summary, I was good friends with a girl for about 6 or seven years then we dated for 2 and a half, she broke up with me (amicable, no cheating, abuse, etc.). We broke up in April of 2004 so this was a long time ago. She called me everyday, sometimes 3 times a day, we went to weddings, parties, movies, dinner, etc. I tried to win her back to no avail. She said she wanted to try dating someone and finally did this May. Even when she went on a few dates with this guy she kept calling me.

 

Well, I took it a lot harder than I thought I would and I had to cut her off. I love this girl with all my heart but I told her I felt sort of used and was not ready to see her with someone else. I needed time and space away from her because I could not talk to her this much and expect to get over her. I told her I would never throw away a long friendship such as we had before we dated but I would not contact her again till I was ready to accept this direction in her life. I said a lot more but you get the gist. Fast forward to late July and she calls me to tell me her sister had her baby and I should come see it. I was cool with that. It actually meant a lot to me that she called to tell me that because she knows how much I care about her sister and brother-in-law and how excited I was that they were having a kid.

 

Now the problem is she is seeing this guy and I guess it may get serious. Obviously I am not ready to hear about it nor do I want to put myself through anymore pain. But she started calling me again and even asked me to dinner. What do I do here? I would love to have her back but I finally accepted the fact that it is over. I started dating again and am having fun. I wish I could be her friend but it still hurts and I feel like poop after I talk to her. I love her too much to be around her and give anyone else a chance. I thought I made it clear to her before, does she really think that I can get over losing a girl like her in two months and be ready to hear about her new man? I mean our relationship was very serious and we discussed marriage!! I know we broke up a over a year ago but it didn't really hit me till she dated again. Do I have to tell her to back off again? How do you tell a girl that a second time? I would like to be her friend in the future, she has been a very good friend in the past and I would never throw that away. I am just not ready for a friendship now but I already told her that once. How do I do this gracefully? Sorry this is so long, I might have needed to vent too!!

[frozenblaze]

Well your relation with her seemed serious enough and trust me I'm the good person to understand your feelings. Being "friend again" is not really easy especially if you do hold deep feelings for her. I know that you do not want to let that friendship behind and that you believe there is still something that may lead to a better relationship with her (by relationship i'm talking about the literal meaning of the word). But then you have to ask yourself what you do want in your life ? Can you bear the pain of seeing her "happy" with someone else ? Personally i would not even be able to talk to her again but then i'm a vengeful person i guess ... What do you really think would be the best for you ? Friendship and self-obliteration; lying to yourself for an harmonious relationship ? or sacrificing that friendship for your own mental sanity ? She would understand that you may want to preserve what is left of you two by walking away and not talking to her... Being a good boy and acting like a friendly rug on which she can walk (i'm talking about being her friend) is not always a good thing in your situation... Maybe ignoring her will make her realize what is important for her, WHO is important to her (i wish my ex could do the same ) You will not loose in inaction, especially in this situation. It has been said before on this board and I will say it again : doing nothing is good since it involves no implication so there is nothing to loose. You will not loose her friendship even if you break contact with her, she will understand your pain if she likes you and the worst thing that will come out of it is that you will miss her a lot. But then ask yourself would you prefer missing someone who knows about your feelings for her (implies the truth) ? , or would you like to be a friend to someone who thinks that you are comfortable with the situation (implies lying to that part of yourself that loves her) ? Personnally I think my choice is obvious but we could still discuss about it...

[Denisa]

Hi babe

 

After reading your story I have to say it reminded my some of my past (i'm married now..).

I don't think you should let your Ex talk you into seeing her again.

She seems insecure, and also, like a little girl that can't make her mind up about what candy she wants...

it must've been hard for you to "get over" her, so now, you are enjoying your life - don't let her creep back in.

I did the same, my ex was doing the same thing to me, but i put my foot down, got him out of my life - no calls, texts, letters - nothing, and now i'm as happy as i could be.

But the final decision is with you. Either talk to her about what she wants (if that's what you feel you want to to), or just tell her to leave you alone.

Hope it works...

[Nap-Man]

I see that I am 2 for 2 on replies that I need to cut her off again. Just to clarify I was the "friendly rug" for the year when we were both single after the break up. Lesson learned. I will never put myself through that again. I am still unsure if she is trying to have her cake and eat it to by trying new guys and keeping me on the sidelines. We had a very close friendship for many years before we dated and I know it was an important relationship to both of us. I know that from the past that being around an ex can make me feel depressed and that does not make it easy to meet new women, date or enjoy life. I know I need to do this again.

 

I cut her off once, it pissed her off and she still called me after two months. I never had a timeline but I knew it would take longer that a few months to get over her). I was thinking it might take a year. Should I just tell her the same thing again? I was going to tell her that I am not ready for this, I still need space and if she calls I guess if it is not an emergency to just ignore her? I just get so caught up because the trust and friendship we had for so long makes it hard to ignore her. I would rather flat out tell her that I am not ready than just not pick up the phone.......

 

Do women really blieve that they can move a guy around in their lives as they see fit? Do they really believe that you can take a boyfriend and make him a girlfriend without any issues? Actually, I am sure men do this too but I was speaking from my point of view. I could never do that to someone.

[frozenblaze]

You hold a point there. I personally think it is mostly because you(we) are over-sensitive. Women expect us to swallow the whole thing and "act like men" trying to be their good old friend and not asking for any love or care in return. While the truth is that if you do really listen to your heart and that your feelings are true, there is no way you can forget or delete this love from your hard-drive. Lobotomia/drug abuse is sure the right way for that but then without our memories we do not even know why we stand at this point and what brought us here. So trying to forget is quite useless. The only thing you can do is living with the pain until all is left is a little scar (women do love scars right ? ). I had quite a similar experience with my ex whom I had been a close friend with though i was the one who kept calling her. Then one day she asked me if we could become friends again and just move on from this conflict I had started (my words are quite are like barbed knives when i'm sad/frustrated). But then how can someone who decided to break a good friendship with a "confused love" feeling can expect an over-sensitive guy to react to a break-up ? You do not play with the feelings of people you love, especially if those persons were your best friends... Have you ever heard how couples (mostly girls though) can say painful and personal things about their "loved-ones" to other people... Seems like the intimacy brings a whole new attitude : my boyfriend is an imperfect individual... From this point it is easy to understand how someone can trash a "loved one" away that easily and expect them to react with pride/disdain to that break-up.

[Denisa]

FrozenBlaze - you do have a point there, women can be insensitive when it comes to a break up of a relationship (i mean if the break came from her side), yes i suppose we do expect men just to get over it. And as it's known women talk to their friends about a lot of things. But I have to disagree with you on the intimacy issue - as i think some women find that issue quite sensitive, and i know i would not talk to my friends about my partner in that sense. But i suppose it's all down to character...

Nap-man i think you should definitely try to ignore her, no matter how hard it might be. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that "she is trying to have her cake and eat it by trying new guys and keeping you on the sidelines". From my point of view that's exactly what she is trying to do. If you are definitely sure you want her out of you life, then i think you should cut off all the contact you have with her.

Take care.

[innbranna]

Do women really blieve that they can move a guy around in their lives as they see fit? Do they really believe that you can take a boyfriend and make him a girlfriend without any issues?

 

I don't think there is any real difference between the sexes here. I think it's a common human thing that we tend to project our own feelings onto others. When we feel a certain way about someone (be it love or indifference) we can't really believe that they feel differently about us. What she's probably (subconsciously) thinking, is something like "I feel only friendly towards him, so I expect he feels the same". We are never truly capable of putting ourselves in other people's shoes, even the people we know the best.

 

That being given, I think you shouldn't take her into consideration here. You need space? You make your space.

 

I was once deeply in love with my (at the time) best friend, and he rejected me. I thought I would never speak to him again, which in reality meant loosing a lot of other friends as well, because we belonged to the same crowd. After a long time, when I didn't feel the same way about him anymore, we gradually became friends again, but it was never the same as before. I don't read as much into the friendship now. I know we get on well together, but I also know he can't be counted upon to be there for me no matter what. Only I can do that.

[Nap-Man]

Well there were a lot of points that made me really sit and think. Blaze, I when you said over-sensitive it really made me look back at my post-breakup history with this woman and see that I was over-sensitive. I know you did not mean that in a bad way but I really think I was taking things too personally and reading into things that just were not there. For example just because she is gushing about how nice her new man is does not mean that she thinks I was a jerk. I need to expect that all of that comes with the territory of being friends with an ex. She wants to talk to me just like any other friend she has. Denisa and inn….you two seem to understand what I am struggling with. I am not sure I want her completely out of my life. We have been friends for so long and have so many friends in common that the only way I could completely escape her is to drop all of our friends.

 

It is very hard to not think she is keeping me a round just in case but at the same time she has proven to be a good friend even post break-up. I need to find a way to get her to back off me for a while but still preserve some semblance of friendship. I would be happiest if I could get to the point that you are at innbranna. I want to be able to be social and friendly with her without all the burden of wanting her still. I guess I just suck it up and eventually I will only look at her as a friend and not as an ex. I never thought I would still be dealing with this crap a year later!! I am taking it to heart that it is time to sack it up and deal with being only her friend or let her go completely. I just hope I can stick with it……

[innbranna]

I know you can get there, Nap. It takes some readjusting of the mind, and it also took me a good, long NC period, which I would use to spend time with other friends and do things of my own, develop interests that were only mine and had nothing to do with him. Occasionally he would contact me and invite me to parties and stuff, and I had to remind myself that he's just being friendly and treating me the same way as he would any other friend.

 

Eventually I came to the point where I realized that it was silly of me to keep him out of my life when he had so much to offer - like, he's the BEST to go hiking or rock climbing with - and I should just take what he offered me and not expect more (which, at this point, I didn't even want).