advice PLEASE ! it's cruel in my opinion

[DamagedImage]

My boyfriend has a bad habit of joking around with me a lot. Somethings really hurt and I've told him this and he tells me it's no big deal it's just a joke I should get bothered by it. In some ways I feel that way, and I want to stop caring but it's just some things he jokes about like cheating on me, or running away with some other girl, things like that hurt me a lot because it's happened to me so MANY times and he's the first guy I actually feel loves me wholesomely. And I had a serious talk with him about it telling if he could just watch what he jokes about. And he said okay he would, beacuse he doesn't want to make me sad. Well recently I've become friends with an ex-girlfriend of his and him being out the country and being around her all the time bothers me but i'm not saying anything. Anyway I learned he told his ex to tell me she was pregnant with his child and it was just a small thing like a handshake and he won't stick around and then at the end of the email she tells me it's a big joke and my boyfriend wants to see my reaction. well before I got to the joke confession part I felt so sad and my heart was broken, and all I wanted was to scream at him. But then I want to get back at him by acting calm and collected with it. But thats not the point.

 

The point is, is joking around with me like that bad, and what should I do about. I call him on Thursday, what should I do. Be mad at him again for joking with me, put on a big show and then confess I know it's a joke. But then tell him how cruel I think this game of his is, and I'm hurt from it. Because frankly I am. I just don't know how to handle it at all.

 

Please....reply ....someone

[Beec]

First of all, ask yourself, what do you really want (only you can tell you) and ask why it bothers you so much when he is joking.

 

Then you should also understand that what he is doing may be working well for him, but I'll explain that when you answer the questions.

[Teffany]

I just want to tell U that U are a courageous woman. You put up with yr boyfriend's jokes of bad taste and it's not easy. Let me just tell you that I once was in the same situation. I had a boyfriend who made jokes of getting back with his ex-girlfriend often. one time I was shopping @ the mall and coincidentally saw the two of them shopping in one of the stores. I was so mad that simply left the mall and went home... I cried, cried and cried. Later on the same day, my boyfriend called, I didn't pick up the phone because I didn't know how to handdle the situation. However, while listening to him leaving the message, it was hurtful to hear him lie that he will see me the next day because he had to work late. I loved and still love him so much. But I had to move on with my life. Because we both had conversations of his bad jokes and he didn't care until I caught them w/ my own eyes. To be honest with you, I realised that seing them together might have been the sign from God. It might have been the sign that my boyfriend is not honest and will not be honest if I ever married him. I knew that he loved me and I was afraid not find someone who will love me in the future. I' am currently dating someone else with better qualities and I never had a happier relationship. *Just remember that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps, your boyfirnd attitude could be a sign that you are probably ignoring. I' am sure that U can make the right decision.

 

Good luck

[DamagedImage]

First of all, ask yourself, what do you really want (only you can tell you) and ask why it bothers you so much when he is joking.

 

 

I want somehting different than everything else I've had, and my boyfriend has most these qualities different than all my other relationships. For the most part he is wonderful. And it bothers me so much because of what I touched on in my original post, I've had numerous boyfriends that have cheated on me, lied about this type of thing and then leave me for some stupid girl who knows like nothing, not caring how I felt. I was sick of it, and I don't think he is cheating on me, but the fact he is joking about it so much hurts because it brings me back to my past to much.

[DamagedImage]

Well I can tel you he has this friend and they've hung out like 6 times and I just found out it a couple of months ago and we've been together for 10 months. I don't like the girl she's a sex addict. And with his lying I don't know what to think. But I don't think he is cheating on me, from what I think and a few of my friends, he is just very immature and doesn't know how to handle situations. So he jokes about, he makes fun of everything about himself so maybe thats his way of dealing with it. Plus I've told him to stop, it hurts the way he jokes. But it doesn't seem to work. I don't know what it is anymore.

[Beec]

OK, you did not answer the question, so I will try to answer it for you.

 

You seem to want what you consider the ideal relationship, which is fine and good. And you seem to be a bit insecure by how past boyfriends have treated you.

 

Instead of defining the ideal relationship by how he acts, etc., you should define it by how both of you feel. And you should look at the definition as one that keeps you feeling the way you want to feel. We all want to feel cared for, liked, loved and wanted. But we also need to see that we cannot be treated the same way each and every day, or it will become boring and blase, and we will lose interest and take what we get for granted. If what he does works to keep the two of you in love, then what is the matter? Should be nothing, but I will look at it.

 

Most people won't realize it, but the amount of our interest needs to cycle a bit up and down. We cannot be on the high from realizing we are in love all the time. Sometimes, we need to come down. Sometimes, we need to wonder if the person cares for us, if they still have interest, etc. There needs to be some tension, which should then be released. Create tension, then release it. When it is released, we all feel wonderful, almost high, like we were on a drug. In some ways, love is a drug.

 

So, he needles you about something that hurts, and that brings you down. (As an aside, realize all real humor hurts. We laugh so it does not hurt too much, but it hurts a little. When it hurts too much, we stop laughing.) Then he probably makes you feel great and loved and as if he really cares about you, and you feel wonderful. He takes you down and brings you up, so you feel almost a high on the up. This is addictive. You can easily get hooked on it.

 

So, how do you break it. Well, short of breaking up, you get him to stop. How to do that is the real question, and I think you need to make him want to stop.

 

Does this stuff make sense?

[smallworld]

Damaged, my first bf was like yours and it broke my heart too. All I can tell you is that if someone really loves you, they wouldn't want to play mind games with you especially if they knew how much similar heartaches hurt you in the past.

 

The fact that this guy keeps escalating the mind games after you tell him to stop, tells me he's not worth your time or the heartache. I'd talk to him one last time, telling him why you don't like the mind games and how it's now a dealbreaker for you. If he does it again, well you know what to do.

[Mun]

I bet he knows about your cheating ex boyfriends huh? He knows what buttons to push ?

 

I had a friend who liked to joke with me pretty heavy and even when I told him I didn't like it he kept on. I stopped talking with him. I don't know if breaking up is something you have considered, but if he KNOWS this hurts you and still does it then what does that say about his respect for you?

 

Show him that you mean what you say when you tell him it hurts. If he cares he will stop. If he doesn't then can you handle this kind of humor all the time? He may be wonderful, but how wonderful do you feel when he makes jokes about his ex being pregnant. I personally don't think it's very funny.

 

You can stop this. It's your choice.

[goddess23]

hey. well now my relationship is mutually like that. but theres an EXTREMEMLY HIGH LEVEL OF TRUST and there are many serious converstaions as well that re-enforce that trust. i mean we have both said we trust eachother with our lives. and we had broken up and when we were in the gettin back together stage it ended up being one of those elementry type relationship where we bug the hell out of eachother lol. and we insult eachother and then start making out. like when i was leaving for my trip im like "try and get laid!" and hes like "i will!" lol. so for US IT WORKS but its not for everyone and if your bf cannot understand this after so many serious talks then its time tosay goodbye. i mean i think you should give him one more chance and even though insecurity is not very attractive especially to guys this is different. tell him becaues of your past this is just not what you need and that if he cannot realize this then you need to end it. i mean to be honest if you would actually believe something like that (that he got his ex pregnant) so quickly then that says something. it seems the trust in this relationsihp is missing and thats a problem.

[HaloDestroyer]

This train sounds like it's about to go off the rails...

 

The best thing you can do is talk to him. If he takes you seriously, and understands you, then he loves you.

 

If my girlfriend was unhappy with anything about me, I'd prefer her to come to me personally, and say so, rather than just leaving me.

 

If you want to keep him, you better straighten this out.

[DamagedImage]

of course it makes sense, but I don't think that gives him the right to joke about my deepest most horrible experiences, like almost being raped by an ex-bf, beaten by his ex-gf for no reason, another boyfriend physcially, emotional, and sexually abused for 9 months and being TO scared to break up with him not because I needed him or anything but afraid what he'd do when I broke up with him. my current boyfriend saved me, and I love him dearly, and treats me better than anyone before. And i'm not asking for the ideal relationship, god I don't want that honestly. I just want someone who understands I'm not ready to joke about my problems, but I will maybe not this month or the next but sometime I will, and he doesn't get that about me. I had a serious talk with him about it and I guess it didn't work. So I don't know how to "make" him stop.

[DamagedImage]

i mean to be honest if you would actually believe something like that (that he got his ex pregnant) so quickly then that says something. it seems the trust in this relationsihp is missing and thats a problem.

 

well um I kind of got off the phone with him after I fought with him, and i'm sorry but this is really making me mad, everyone keeps talking about other stuff.

HOnestly for god sakes I trust him truthfully, and whatever I made said in my original post I don't think I explained it properly then. I trust him okay, and I didn't believe it okay but the fact that he has the freaking nerve to even dare joke about that, hurts okay. I knew He won't cheat on me, he has enough feelings for me he wouldn't do that, what made me hurt and sad is that he'd actually play such a joke on me. *sorry for being mad at this next part it's not at you, I value and respect all advice*

 

HE LIES ABOUT EVERYTHING!

His friends, he doesn't tell me ANYTHING! We make plans and he breaks them or lies about them completely to me and has me find out four days later, excuse me but that is wrong. I tell him over and over. I DON"T CARE IF HE HAS FRIENDS

[Beec]

OK, so I "made sense". How do you mkae him comply? You withdraw, you withdraw whatever you do for him that makes him feel great. You get him walking like he is floating on a magic carpet, then you pull the rug out from under him. In a sense, you turn the tables on him, and you put him through the ups and downs.

 

And, you should put some doubt into his head about whether you will stay with him. You will always love him and be grateful for what he did, but that need not mean you continue to take his crap.

[Mun]

I was waiting for you to respond to me too

 

Let me get this straight, he jokes with you and hurts you AND he lies to you when he doesn't have to? Sweetie you CAN stop this... you just have to remind him that if he keeps this up you won't be around any longer. See if that don't change his actions. He has something to lose here: YOU.

 

You kinda have two choices here: You can show him that this is really important to you by not putting up with it any longer--and he might care enough to change. Or you can show him that you will still be there no matter how he treats you because you love him so much--and he will probably keep doing what he is doing. No consequence=no need for change.

 

Your feelings are important... let me ask you this: Would you tolerate this kind of behavior from one of your friends?

[DamagedImage]

 

Your feelings are important... let me ask you this: Would you tolerate this kind of behavior from one of your friends?

 

well let's see I've had it done, dumped the friend

 

sorry by the way thank you for your first post though

 

and I know I have to give him the tqwo choice thing it's just when I'm around him my tongue gets tied and can't say things clearly because I love him so much, sounds stupid but it's true.

[DamagedImage]

OK, so I "made sense". How do you mkae him comply? You withdraw, you withdraw whatever you do for him that makes him feel great. You get him walking like he is floating on a magic carpet, then you pull the rug out from under him. In a sense, you turn the tables on him, and you put him through the ups and downs.

 

And, you should put some doubt into his head about whether you will stay with him. You will always love him and be grateful for what he did, but that need not mean you continue to take his crap.

 

I would turn the tables on him only thing is, I feel like I would be hurting him, and even though he does hurt me for periods of time and then it stops, I don't want to hurt him

 

he kind of also wouldn't care I guess because he tells me he doesn't get attached to people so if I did something or hurt him or whatever he'd you know, move on I don't think I said that the right way.

 

*sighs*

[Beec]

Well it will work, because it always does on humans, and we are all humans. If you don't want to do it, then don't. But once you do it, you get things to where you can train him in some respects. When he is good, he gets what he wants. When he is not, he gets punished.

[DamagedImage]

Well it will work, because it always does on humans, and we are all humans. If you don't want to do it, then don't. But once you do it, you get things to where you can train him in some respects. When he is good, he gets what he wants. When he is not, he gets punished.

 

Okay i guess, thank you

[Willow_Moon]

Sometimes the best solutions are the simple ones... next time he pops off with one of his hurtful 'jokes' and you call him on it and he comes back with his lame 'it's just a joke' line... then ask him if you both shouldn't be laughing then.

 

If you imply his jokes are stupid, rather than reacting by being hurt... then you take the power away from him - if he can't get your goat or put you down, then he will likely just stop doing it. Usually people put others down to somehow make themselves feel better... if what he is doing makes him feel like an [censored], then hopefully he will abandon his thoughtless jokes.

[ShySoul]

There's no excuse for making those kinds of jokes, especially if he knows what you've been through in the past. For him to keep making them is horrible. Show or tell him what you've written in this post, any decent guy should be able to tell how much he's heart you and swear to not do it again.

 

He may be great in every other way, but its not worth it if he's going to make tasteless and cruel remarks like that. You need to tell him how you feel, how much this hurts you. He needs to say he's sorry and swear to change. Don't take it, confront him. Otherwise it will keep happening and you will just continue to feel bad. And you don't deserve that.

[DamagedImage]

good news I guess, I talk to him and he said the joke was uncalled for is a subject that shouldn't be joked about. He said his sorries and I guess I'll g from there and if it happens again I'll give him the two choices thing, his jokes or me.

[Miss M]

if it happens again I'll give him the two choices thing, his jokes or me.

Very wise move.

I happen to think he's a cruel jerk, but whether he is or not, sometimes it doesn't matter who's right or wrong... sometimes the bottom line is how it makes you feel. Set your limits, and then honor them. Be a friend to yourself. And good luck.

[DamagedImage]

thank you Miss M

[Mun]

I am so happy to know that you were able to stand your ground.

 

I think alot of times we place value on the relationship above ourselves and it's such a big mistake. Better no relationship than a bad one in my book...

 

Have fun!

[Miss M]

thank you Miss M

You're very welcome, sweetheart.

You said he was better than any you've ever had, and that he helped you get away from the last awful relationship... but it sure sounds like you're seriously due for another "upgrade." 8)

 

You don't have to stay with him out of love/loyalty just because he helped you thus far. I've often fallen into that same kind of thinking too... but lately I've given it up. That's also what I'd recommend for you.

 

Take good care of yourself.