Trying To Heal From Abuse..and a Thank You to Enotalone.....

[romantic sweetheart]

I never knew how sick inside I really was until I met Vince (name changed for privacy)

 

I met him in at my workplace in March, and since then my life has been a living hell.

 

Sure, there were times he could be caring, friendly, and helpful, but at a moment's notice, he could fly into a rage and attack me with insults, cursing, control tactics...He played on all my fears, condemned me, threatened me, and ultimately forced me to take a hard look at myself and why I have had these kinds of men in my life.

 

As desitiny would have it, I mercifully work with a woman who had lived a life of abuse. In her I found the strength to understand my situation and to face what I needed to do to help myself. She gave me unconditional positive regard, something I never got as a child, or I never gave myself. I also found a book called "Women Who Love Too Much" which, I am sure, will end up saving my life.

 

Vince came into my life needy, jobless, angry, and an ex-alcoholic. He was also 25 years older than me had no desire to marry or have a family. But I wrongly thought that my constant love, devotion and affection would make him become the man I wanted. If I loved him enough, he would stop raging, stop being so hateful, and suddenly want to be a "family man." Of course, I was dead wrong.

 

Vince would become violently angry over things that I just couldn't predict. For instance, one night I asked if he wanted to watch a movie and eat some popcorn. He exploded in anger and told me I was demanding, abusive and that I needed to grow up. After he slammed the door in my face and sped off in his car, he called and said he didn't have any money, and that was why he became angry. Sometimes his attacks were so awful, I couldn't go to work because I had been so broken-down emotionally and mentally...my health, my job, my whole life were at risk. A healthy person would never put up with this kind of treatment, but I did and I have, and I will continue to unless I help myself NOW and find out why I stay in these obviously harmful situations.

 

Another time I told him I was going to get an Icee, and he yelled at me for an hour because the drink wasn't organic.

 

My desire to have a family caused him to scream at me that I was brainwashed and lived in a fanatasy land. No matter the reason, he would blame me for causing his anger. He would always leave me sobbing....and I realised that he played on the trauma I felt as a child when my dad left my life without any warning or good-bye.

 

I think I finally took it seriously that I needed help when Vince flew into a rage on the 4th of July because he had no money to buy our pizza dinner. We were driving home when this happened, and I was feeling scared, so I asked to get out of the car. When I tried to walk away from him, he grabbed me and shoved me in the car. I was bruised for days.

 

In a strange way, Vince is probably the best thing that could have happened to me because now I am forced to take care of MYSELF, instead of trying to care for men who are abusive, unavailable, cruel, or generally not "good news." In my life I have found these kinds of men over and over, and I used to think I had been cosmically cursed...I know realise that in my grief, fear, and self-hatred, I have chosen men who would hurt me..because they represented the only kind of "love" that I knew growing up........Love that was unstable, painful, frightening and chaotic.

 

I felt that if I could make one of these men respectable and loving, I could erase all the pain I have inside..that I could, in a sense, make my dad never leave, my grandfather cherish me, and my mom love me for who I am.

 

I am slowly understanding that I need to heal myself before I can be with anyone...

 

And the man I would really want would not need to be "fixed"...He already would possess a good character and TRULY love me....

 

I have never known this kind of love, so I am afraid of it.......

 

A few days ago I asked myself, "If I were writing a story about my life, would I write Vince as an ideal character? Would I pick him to be my character's husband? Would I want my story to be like my life is now?"

 

The answer was "No." I have to believe that there are truly loving men in this world....I know there are.....and that I am worthy enough to be loved by those kinds of people......But I need to be alone and understand my own needs and feel good about myself before I can meet someone.

 

This has been a painful life-long struggle....There have been rimes I have wanted to to end my life....but I have met some people who have helped me find the beauty inside of me....And I thank this forum for being a part of my healing and self-awareness....There were nights where I only had the caring words of enotalone members to get me through my devestation.......and on to another day of living...and hope.........Thank you.........

[suprema99]

Good for you for recognizing. Don't put up with any crap like that. If you met him in march, it's onlt been a few months. He sounds like he's got a lot of probelms, probably from his life in general and he's taking it out on you. Don't get caught up in his problems that I'm sure have been going on for years now, he's a few years older. . You want to have a healthy relationship and this guy is not helping any matters. Goodluck

[Kurodashi]

That was so beautiful and insightful. It gives me hope for my future too.

There is nothing more inspiring than seeing someone in a similar situation,come out strong and hopefull.

I'm sure with the strength you gained through your horrible experiences the only way you can go now is up. And that is what you truley diserve.

 

Thank-you immensly for making that post, it's given me incouragement to stand up to the way I have been treated also. I hope you never have to encounter a nothing yucky "Vince" again.

[annie24]

Oh sweetheart - I am glad that you see the light. I think that there are a lot of men out there (and plenty on eNotalone) that would really appreciate a good and loving woman such as yourself. Wow - I can't believe he yelled about the pizza and popcorn and movie! What a jerk! He has some serious serious problems - it sounds like he needs a psychiatrist, not a love in his life.

 

How could he say that you are brainwashed for wanting a family? If no one had families, that would be the end of the human race!

 

Like Kurodashi said, I hope you never meet a man like this again. You are an amazing and wonderful woman, worthy of a man who loves her back equally. Please keep us updated.

 

Take care

 

-Annie