Will not be in relationship with me cause of my age

[phillygal]

Okay, this is kinda long so bare with me. Anyway's, I had met this great guy about 3 months ago. At first I didn't think he was all that cute and I wasn't really interested especially when I found out he was only 20. I'm 25. We went to the movies on our first date and I was still kinda like whatever. But gradually, we began to talk on the phone for hours at a time, to the point where I would be on the phone with him for 5-6 hrs and it would be like 4a.m. One of us, usually me would be like we have to get of the phone, but neither of us would want to. So, I began to develop feelings for him, I mean I basically fell for his personality and his values. I loved how we could talk about anything and how I felt so free to tell him my innermost thoughts. I've even told him things I've never told anyone else in my entire life. During this time we hung out more, went out to eat, I cooked for him, we kissed and all but never had sex, because I don't like the casual sex thing without the commitment. So, one day we were on the phone talking and he was like you'll never sleep with me because we're not in a relationship, huh? And I said no I wouldn't. And he went on to say, a relationship with us would never work, because of the age difference and how we're in different parts in our lives. I work full time he's a college student. He also said he wouldn't want to marry someone that much more older. I was like, ideally I also wouldn't want to marry or even be with someone significantly younger than me, but I also feel like life is too short and if you meet someone that you have a connection with and that makes you happy, shouldn't we at least try to see where things could go? But he still said it wouldn't work. So, after that convo, we kinda didn't hang out as much but we would still talk on the phone till all hours and when I saw him we would sometimes kiss ( I would initiate the kissing), but that was it. I got to the point where I wanted to sleep with him cause I was attracted to him and I was horny, but didn't cause I knew I would just end up getting hurt. He didn't want to because he said I would be sleeping with him for the wrong reasons. So, anyways, I recently told him that we could no longer talk or be "friends", because I had feelings for him and I would be jealous if he started to date another girl. He tried to get me to reconsider, he even said I was the one person he could really talk to, but I explained in order to prevent me getting hurt its better to cut of all contact. I said, the only way we could still talk, is if he was willing to try a relationship with me. He said it would never work because of the age thing. So, I was like well that's that. He once again pleaded for me to reconsider, but I said no. I said if he ever changes his mind and I'm still available he should let me know. He said maybe he would change his mind. And that was it. So we said our goodbyes. So, why is it I'm so sad and I feel like maybe I made a mistake by cutting of all ties with him? I know its for the best because I woulda just got deeper into liking him, but it hurts cause I really liked him as a person and I think once I move on with someone else we could be friends. I just miss him so much and I want to talk to him, but I will look weak if I call him after I said I didn't want anymore contact with him anymore. Not just that, but like I said I can't do the friends thing with him at this time. Is there a chance he might change his mind or is that just wishful thinking? Does anyone have any experience or advice about this? Thanks

[arcane5]

Hmm... that really sucks. I know what thats like though - you can't really control the fact that you're going to want to be "more than friends" if you continue your relationship with him. I think you did the right thing by forcing him to make the all-or-nothing decision. The prospect of losing you as a friend may make him wake up and see that he has romantic feelings for you.

 

I don't see why he's so afraid to give things a chance. It sounds like he's made a hard-and-fast rule about what kind of relationships he'll enter into... trouble is, I don't think you should ever make rules when it comes to romance.

 

Let him sort this one out... it may hurt in the short term, but being stuck in that middle ground is only going to prolong your pain.

[RayKay]

Sounds like he has his own ideas of what he wants to get involved in or not, and there is not much you can do it. Sure, if someone meets the right person they will often drop some of their "rules", or sometimes depending where they are in life they won't. For example, after my boyfriends last breakup, he decided the next girl he dated would be "ideal" for him. That meant also dating someone no shorter then 5'6". His friends mom warned him a petite girl was going to steal his heart away, which he laughed off. Well turned out she was right as I came long and that "rule" went away immediately! Yes having rules like that can be silly, but to that person they aren't, to them they are safeguards, or based on past experiences, or ideas want they want in the future.

 

It sounds like to him it was not just about age, but about being in different places, he is young at 20, and that is understandeable he has hesitations about it. Pressuring him to change his mind would likely result in more pain in the future when those "unmatched goals" were emphasized more and more. It simply sounds like he was not ready to commit to you, whether due to the age difference, or whether he used the age as a reason to provide you, he did not want what you wanted from the relationship.

 

Time apart is necessary for you to heal and move on, and not entertain the ideas of him changing his mind, quite simply. Quite simply, you should be able to be with someone who knows they want to commit to you and a relationship. You gave him sort of an "ultimatum" and he accepted it in terms of meaning you could not talk to him anymore, and now you need to follow through with that. Maybe you can be friends in the future, but right now there is too much hope he will change his mind, but you need to learn to respect he feels differently about the situation/relationship then you do. Move on to find someone who is on the same level as you.

[phillygal]

Thank you Arcane5 and Raykay for your responses. It made me feel better just getting other ppl's point of view on the issue. Raykay, unfortunately you're probably right. I guess its just hard when you feel like everything is there for a good relationship but the other person doesn't see it as such. I just don't understand how he can spend so much time telling me about himself and just talking to me and how we can have a lot of chemistry but it not being enough. But oh well. I think i'm just tired of the whole dating scene. I like being in a relationship and I can't really understand why I haven't found someone yet, (I've been single for almost a year). From what I've been told, I'm pretty and intelligent and I have a decent enough job. All in all, I think I have a good head on my shoulders. So, why I'm I single? It just seems the guys that are interested in me are either not cute or they're losers. And then when I finally found someone that I liked then the age is an issue ( or maybe there were other factors, like Raykay said). I'm so fed up! I know everyone says to stop looking for someone, but how I can lie to myself and say that I don't want a boyfriend. Oh well, I guess I just have to move on and be patient.

[vanhonk2x]

Wow, I really respect you for what you did. There's no point in hurting yourself further when the relationship does not seem to go anywhere.