Lies, Lust and Betrayl. Is It Worth the Risk?

[Kurodashi]

I have been going through a struggle that seems as though it was a long time coming. I tried many times to be completely dedicated to NC with my last partner, but not until recently have I been strong enough. It is still very difficult, but slowly I am moving on.

 

My past relationship has made me question alot of things. Who I am, how much a person can change me, why relationships are even worth it.

 

I have lost most of my faith in males. Is this wrong? I find, especially in my area, that everywhere I look men lie. They are unfaithful, or just make white lies about their feelings to make me feel better.

 

It is a problem for me because I can not handle someone lying to me, even white lies! Is there any way that I can deal with this anxiety and learn to trust men again?

 

I was hurt greatly in the past by lies, and Im extrememly honest and open about everything. It is the way I have been brought up, and alot of people think I am weird for this (I put my foot in my mouth alot...)

 

I need to let go of the past pain and hurt I have been through, and I cant do this until there is hope for the future. I can't find any hope for the future until I know if I can even FIND someone who will be as honest and open as I am about life.

 

Right now I feel as though even if I found that person, I wouldn't be good enough.

 

I need to know, is love and relationships even worth the bother? They only ever cause me fears, pain and horrible anxiety attacks. Can I be just as happy on my own forever?

 

I never ever want to feel the way I felt when I saw the person I loved in the arms of someone else. I NEVER want to even recall it. I am so scared of falling in love again. I never want to feel so worthless, rejected and used.

 

Is this a normal mental state after being cheated on / lied to?

How can I learn to trust again?

Can I be happy alone forever?

[sidehop]

Just curious though, do you live near military base in Japan? I used to live there for about 17 years so I thought I'd ask.

 

I do know that every person has the 'right' time to love and wrong time. If one can fully understand him/herself to their deepest level, set certain standards, respect and know when to back off or protect their heart I think they have less chance of getting badly hurt or end up with the wrong person.

 

Sometimes it IS very discouraging...seeing my friends going through rollercoaster relationships with cheating and lying sometimes I wonder was well how it's worth it. The way I see relatioship now has changed greatly in the past few years. Before it was meeting that person that will make me 'happy' and 'smile' everyday and nowadays I'm looking for someone I can respect, love and be the best friends for as long as we live.

[precious_babae]

Let me tell you what, that is a totally normal reaction after all you have been through to not trust. But no, it is not fair to judge all guys by just the one. Its fair to be scared, but you have to pick yourself back up and try again. Its better to feel love and lose it then to never feel it at all, even though right now it is probably hard to believe that. You have to open your eyes, I PROMISE there are good guys out there that won't hurt you. And it is possible for you to be happy alone, but I think that everybody is happier when they have somebody to share their happiness with. Don't commit, just go on dates and get to know some guys before making any semi permanent moves. Dont let cupid shoot you up and drop you, show your strength, give some hope, and move on!!! You arent going to be satisfied until you do. And satisfaction with your life will only come with time. Give yourself some time, give others some of your time, and see how things work out! Good luck =)

[DN]

Is this a normal mental state after being cheated on / lied to?

Yes, for a time, until you heal.

 

How can I learn to trust again?

By finding someone worthy of trust - someone who has never, and never will, let you down, who is always there for you.

 

Can I be happy alone forever?

It has been done - but not by people who are alone for the wrong reasons - and what has happened to you would be the wrong reason.

 

You are in a lot of pain - and because you are, you cannot necessarily make the right decisions about your life. So take the time you need to heal, depend on anyone who is there for you, and trust in time and friendship.

[Meow18]

It is completely normal! Of course it is. Why wouldn't you feel this way after being lied to and all sorts of stuff by the one guy who should have been honest? I would worry if you weren't feeling this way. Nobody deserves to be lied to.

 

Just give yourself time to heal. I've been lied to badly by past boyfriends and I know how you feel, I figured I would never find a guy who was honest and cared about me enough to not hurt me. I never thought I would find a guy who was always honest and open with me, but I did find someone. Just take every new relationship slowly. That's what you need to build trust.

 

Not all guys are like that. Of course, it won't be easy actually believing it. There is a good guy out there for you. It might take a lot of patience and time, but that's what you need. Don't stress over whether the way you feel right now is normal. Just give yourself time to heal.

[Kurodashi]

Just curious though, do you live near military base in Japan? I used to live there for about 17 years so I thought I'd ask.

No, I don't Sorry. I hear the areas around the smaller islands military bases are beautiful, so you must have been lucky if you were there...

The way I see relatioship now has changed greatly in the past few years. Before it was meeting that person that will make me 'happy' and 'smile' everyday and nowadays I'm looking for someone I can respect, love and be the best friends for as long as we live.

That makes alot of sense. I believe what I first thought love was, was some mysterious spell I am put under. I now know that it is not that simple, and to believe that would be giving myself an excuse to abuse love.

I'd love to meet someone who honestly cared about my saftey and health, and didn't just say they did when I asked or when it would mean they'd get brownie points. Maybe my expectations are too high now...

 

You are in a lot of pain - and because you are, you cannot necessarily make the right decisions about your life. So take the time you need to heal, depend on anyone who is there for you, and trust in time and friendship.

That seems to be true also, I am exceedingly confused at the momment. Maybe I am a little spun out because my routine in life has changed so greatly, and I only have one or two friends left now. Maybe I should spend this time of healing learning to love msyelf and get used to being alone so that I wont be disappointed if I never meet someone special for me.

You have to open your eyes, I PROMISE there are good guys out there that won't hurt you.

What worries me about that, though, is that even if they are there, and I find them, I won't trust them and my distrust in them will make them leave. I find it hard to believe anything a male tells me anymore... without watching him like a hawke and getting evidense he is being honest. I feel like a paranoid spy on a mission to find lies... Thank you for your kind words and advice

 

Just give yourself time to heal. I've been lied to badly by past boyfriends and I know how you feel, I figured I would never find a guy who was honest and cared about me enough to not hurt me. I never thought I would find a guy who was always honest and open with me, but I did find someone.

 

Now those words truley give me hope. I'm sorry to hear you've had to endure the same troubles I have, because they are horrible, but I am so very happy to see that you came out on the other side fine I hope My story can have a happier ring to it like yours... one can only hope..

[bleeder]

Hi Kurodashi,

 

I empathise with what how you feel, and most of all, I can relate to your thoughts.

 

It is normal to be disillusioned with the opposite sex especially after a bad or a failed relationship. It is imperative you understand that you are feeling this way because of one man. Sometimes, we can be too quick to assume that nearly everyone is untrue, just because of our experience with one or two bad apples.

 

As funny as it may seem, I am very certain that there are folks out there who believe in the truth, commitment and fidelity. White lies is something I never advocate either. A lie is still a lie, even if veiled with good intentions.

 

So, give yourself time to heal and to come to terms with your emotional state. If you do meet someone promising, be patient and know that time is always the best yardstick when it comes to relationships.

 

Take care!

[Hope75]

I agree with the other posters. Sometimes I feel as though I have been through WW III with all my bad relationships! Cheated on by a few bf's, lied to, abused, you name it, I've gone through it, and at times I thought I would never find love again or be worthy of a healthy relationship.

 

I have to tell you though, once I spent some time on my own, and really learned to depend on me first, and my friends, that's when I surprisingly found love again with someone wonderful, who doesn't cheat, lie, or treat me with disrespect.

 

You are young yet-- 21, there's a whole lifetime of love and happiness in front of you, and once you love yourself enough to believe you are worth it, it will come to you. Be patient, give yourself time to heal, and believe that you are worth it-- you are.

[Kurodashi]

White lies is something I never advocate either. A lie is still a lie, even if veiled with good intentions.

Really? I always felt somewhat alone in that respect. Most people I know respect white lies if they are not meant with ill intent... Im relieved that theres other people that can see eye to eye with me on this

Without honesty... I feel like I have not only been treated like a fool, but in that essense, been depricated of my own worth. To lie to someone, you first have to believe they are gullable, thereforeeee - you mustn't think too highly of them to begin with , know what I mean?

Cheated on by a few bf's, lied to, abused, you name it, I've gone through it

 

Thats incredible o_o I am so very sorry you've had so much! I couldn't even contemplate being cheated on again, it burns such a large hole in my soul and hurts so much. I can't imagine if it happened again it being easier.

Am I setting myself up for disappointment if I dont want to believe I will be cheated on again?

 

You are young yet-- 21, there's a whole lifetime of love and happiness in front of you, and once you love yourself enough to believe you are worth it, it will come to you. Be patient, give yourself time to heal, and believe that you are worth it-- you are.

Thank you so much for believing in me *big hug* It means so very much to me that someone can see my worth. Your words have calmed alot of the doubts in my mind tonight, and for that I am immensly grateful

[bleeder]

Well said! To lie to someone means that you do not respect them. It is one basic truth which many don't see.

 

Well, solitude might be good for a while, but the longing for a partner would set in sooner or later. So give yourself time to heal before getting back on the road.

 

See ya there...

[Meow18]

If you take relationships slowly, you will see which ones you can trust and which ones you can't trust. It's very likely that now you will be able to see the bad in people right away. YOu will be able to tell if they have lied to you and you most likely will catch it right away because after going through what you have, you might be more aware of it.

 

A good thing to do is talk to someone you trust the most. Of course, you can continue asking us for advice, but it might also help to have someone around who you trust. Hopefully there is someone whether its a family member or a friend.

[Hope75]

I agree with Maggie that your senses are probably more in tune to the red flags that mean something isn't right, and now you are more likely to pay attention to them should they arise. I know that there were red flags for me in the second relationship I had where I was cheated on, I was also being abused at the time and had very little self esteem and so did not believe I was worth being faithful to-- I know now better!

 

You are not setting yourself up for dissappointment if you go into a relationship with your eyes open with the expectation that you will not be cheated on. Imagine how hard it would be to live like that-- constantly expecting the other shoe to drop. It's not fun and it's no way to live.

 

My present bf and I went through some tough times recently, including breaking up for a little while and working together to try and solve our problems and now we are back together and stronger than ever. Sure, that was scary and I missed him alot, but that was something that we needed to go through in order to come back and be stronger than ever. There's always the possibility that it won't work out, but I choose to not focus on that, and instead focus on how much we love each other, and how much we both wanted this to work, or we wouldn't be back together now.

 

Try to keep a positive attitude. You will probably kiss a few frogs in your time, but there will a prince or two waiting in the wings as well.

 

You're welcome for the boost-- just know that you are worth it and the right guy will see that and treat you like the queen you are. Pay attention-- he might be right under your nose!

[melrich]

Really? I always felt somewhat alone in that respect. Most people I know respect white lies if they are not meant with ill intent... Im relieved that theres other people that can see eye to eye with me on this

 

Don't put your hurdles too high, you will set yourself up to be always let down. All people have faults and I find it difficult to believe that there are people out there who never lie (I mean sometimes social mores just demand it and sometimes it is the truth that can be the wrong path).

 

You are 21 and have been burnt a couple of times. That does not mean that all men are going to cheat and lie to you, your sample cannot be anywhere near robust enough to make that type of judgement. But they will probably all do something "wrong" by you. You need to work out the levels of tolerance you can live with.