What would you do if?

[SlipperySammy]

What would you do if?

 

You dated some one that was completely asexual, they never had one sexual desire or sexual thought and were not capable of being turned on. the only time they would rarely do any thing sexual with you was out of pure obligation and the sex was horrible because your partner was clearly not into it in any shape or form?

[HaloDestroyer]

I would...

 

Decide on whether this person was important enough to me to forgo sex for her...

 

Or whether I needed the physical side, and it was better to find someone to satisfy that need...

 

Hope that helped...

 

XxX-Ben-xXx

[heloladies21]

Sounds like a reason to break up! Everyone deserves to be happy and if you're not being satisfied it's time to go find someone who will make you happy in every area of your life. Don't settle for less than what you deserve.

[a fever dreamed]

I would prepare to have a long, frank discussion with your partner. Maybe there is some underlying reason for her total disinterest in sex - she got burned by an ex, was abused, or just doesn't know what to do in bed. There are plenty of possibilities.

 

The question now is, are you invested enough in this person to forgo sex (at least for the time being) to find out what is wrong? Sex IS an important part of any romantic relationship, and you both deserve to have a clear idea of the other person's needs, whatever they may be. But if you can't work it out, then it's best to know now and break it off before someone gets hurt. Hope this helps.

[northernlights]

The hypothetical girl you're describing sounds like me actually.

 

I don't think I'm asexual because I can get turned on, but never by the guy I'm with. And fooling around in bed is blah boring for me. In fact, the only reason I will kiss a guy is out of obligation, and he has to initiate it first. I actually posted elsewhere about my problem, and some people suggested that there wasn't enough foreplay or that the guy wasn't giving enough.

 

I would say if you had an "asexual" partner, you should focus on trying to please only her in bed just one time and see how that guys. That definitely includes oral stimulation for her. Maybe have a talk with her...ask if she has masturbated before, and what she was thinking about when she did masturbate.

 

And if she truly is one of those rare, completely asexual people out there, then you need to think about how important sex is in your relationship. Do you love her enough to forego sex, or to only have obligatory sex? Will you be able to resist becoming involved sexually with someone else just so you can fulfill your desires? Remember that asexual people still feel emotional love for their partner, even if they don't feel sexual.

[RayKay]

Well Sammy, you probably know my feelings on this I also know this is an issue you have discussed with your partner numerous times and have tried to work on. And I know you have definitely tried pleasing her.

 

Honestly, I would leave. They can be a marvelous, giving, beautiful person, we can have many compatibilities, connections...but frankly, then they could make a very good best friend. Sexual compatibility to me while not the MOST important, is important. Not just for the sexual aspect, for the intimacy. For the "glue" that bonds many together, that sexuality, and intimacy that differentiates then from "best friends" or being "roommates". It's part of the fun, to "play" with our partner, explore, share, show ourselves, and bring them pleasure. And it is perfectly natural.

 

 

I find it odd that many often will sometimes also say that "sex is not that important" and it is unfair to leave for that, even once you have tried everything else (communication, therapy, whatever) yet if you told them "you had no mental connection" with your partner, they would not chide someone so often for having thoughts of not being compatible. With the right partner - all the elements match, not choose one or two there that make up for the deficits. Sex is not just about "getting your rocks off" with your partner, and facing a lifetime absent of that sexual play, intimacy with a partner you love and want to be close to in such a way, is not very fair, even with love. Yes, there are situations where someone is injured, ill and cannot and yes there is a commitment there, but if you are sexually INCOMPATIBLE that is another thing altogether, especially if one (the one uninterested) seems to not view it as a problem or dismisses it....

 

I don't think it is about "loving her enough" to forego sex, it is however about having to deal with a lifetime of feeling rejected, of distance, of confusion, frustration. Not elements beneficial to either partner in my opinion.

 

There ARE people who meet all your compatibilities out there.

[Shadows Light]

Totally agree with KAYRAY the post in its entirety...

 

If you have tried and tried...and it is an important aspect of a relationship to you..then do not cut yourself off. You need to be happy too. And fair to yourself. Does she know how you feel?? how important it is to you??? she may feel guilt over it herself..and just can not help it.

 

The way I feel about it is... if I love my mate.. I'd want him to be happy. I'd want for his happiness.

 

So... don't guilt over it. You need to do what you need to do.