I can't stop Snooping.

[dancesinquicksand]

Okay, i wrote the post can married men have female friends. And a lot of what was said made sense to me. And now I am feeling guilty for how I came about the relationship in the first place.

 

Ok, let me give you some background, so you don't think I am overreacting. We have been married for 7 years, dating 11. We were very young when we met and very young when we got married. I believe that we have grown, not without separating once, for him to "find himself" and once for reasons that made more sense then but little now. Anyway we have worked through our mistakes, and I have forgiven past indiscretions. However I believe my husband has a problem. He says he is happily married but he continues to met women either on line or past, well call them friends. I have caught him a couple of times in improper friendships, now that was a few years ago, and i believe now that was why we separated the last time. He knows how touchy this area is for me because of our past.

 

The way I found out about the first girl, was by accident. They were sending emails back and forth. I will admit that I followed the realtionship by snooping after that. More to make sure that

I was not overeating, and also so that he could not deny more was going on. When we got back together I did not check up on him, I believed that we had grown and put my trust in him. Then six months ago I was online and he forgot to sign off his computer and I found another girl he is talking to. I spoke to her as if I was him to see who she was before

jumping to conclusions. She ended up thanking me for last night told me she had fun. I then told her who I was she signed off. I confronted him. He said she is just a friend. I asked why he was taking her out. He said that she was upset and he went over to console her. Now I now men can have friends we went over this already, but as a married women. You don't do this behind your spouses back. He agreed to end the friendship, after I pointed out that she perhaps thought it was more. He agreed, that it was wrong to hide it from me and we went on.

 

Ok, I know I have trust issues. The problem is I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt. And well frankly after 7 years of this, i feel sort of like a door mat. Now I love my husband, that is the funny part. We get along great. Except for this. My snooping and him wandering. He is a great husband and father in every other aspect.

 

Ok now here is the current problem. I snooped again.. I know it was wrong and well even though i don't like what I found I feel bad. He knows that I was snooping. And is upset. But I can't help but feeling he is side stepping the problem. He is out of country on business for the next 10 days so we wont have the opportunity to talk about this till then.

 

I want to like all of you said believe this woman is no more than a friend. Red flags are going up. And I cant forgive him again if she turns out to be more. Now I believe that in the beginning they were just harmless emails. I saw them he showed them to me.

But what he did not tell me when I asked who she was, was all the text messaging they have been doing since April. Late at night, mostly when I am out of town on business. And the other night he asked her to meet

him and a buddy at the bar. This is the information I found while snooping. Along with the text messages. They are talking everyday. A lot actually. I want to believe this is harmless. But from a womans point of view. I have male friends I speak to on ocasion. If I was talking to a man everyday I'm afraid there would probably be more going on. I don't believe anything more has happened. But I cant swallow the just friends.

 

I'm afraid when he gets back into town and I am able to confront him, he is going to turn it all around on me, like he has a talent for doing. And well if they are more than friends i guess i don't expect him to admit this. How do I know for sure. I don't want to leave.... But I cant keep on being with a man who I feel like I have to keep tabs on. I keep telling myself that If I did not find anything I would stop. But I always find more than I want to admit....

[Shadows Light]

Ok... I was on of your posters that said.. keeping a man on a leash or babysitting him is JUST not worth it.

 

I do believe that men and women can have platonic relationships. I've been that way for years. And I will probably continue to be that way forever and a day. If my man doesn't trust me.. then I am not worth keeping on a leash either. If I say that I am mongomous and am a one man women...then thats it.

 

OK... late night emailing..and meeting. First of all..ask yourself, HOW is your relationship? Is everything as it should be??? is he looking for consolation or advice from his friend? Have things changed up?? is he asking for anything to change in your relationship?? is he taking "special" efforts. Is he trying to "talk" to you but you are not hearing him????

 

I think what you need is a "come to Jesus" meeting...becuase this is driving you crazy. And it is crazy making.

 

He denies anything is going on. Well... what else can you do? hmmm go to the local comp store and pick up a lovely program that is like a KEY LOGGER and will pick up all his outgoing e-mail. Or...you could follow him... or you could do any number of things to "CATCH" him in the act.

 

Will this make you feel any better??? Do you really want to know that badly.... ???? What would it take to convince you?

 

Lets say.. you did do the comp thing. And after a month or two .. you came up with NOTHING. Well then.. you'd just tell yourself he was being sly and outsmarting you. Or.. if you did follow him and found out nothing.... you'd still have that "nagging" feeling. And the jealousy would rage..and get worse. Heck, you might even push him into this direction... he might as well cheat.. he's being accused of it. AND THIS HAS happened to people.

 

OR.. you can catch him on your first fling out...and then what are you going to do???????

 

WHAT are you going to do???

 

Have you thought of that? Have you thought of "ALL" the stuff you will need to do to get out ..... and its a process let me tell you.

 

OK... I don't have any advice for you that will suffice. You're walking down the path..and going down that slippery slope. My best advice to you is to PLAN AHEAD. Start building your nest egg... as if you were walking out...start pulling your boot straps up. Plan ahead. Think of the out options.

 

And hubby... you need a Come to Jesus meeting. And the one thing that may help you is Marriage Counseling. See if you can get him to go to counseling with you... to nip this thing in the butt.

 

You need to do something "CONSTRUCTIVE" and get out of your HEAD. And get off the dime. SNOOPING is not constructive... you're just building yourself more questions...then getting answers. And its hurting you emotionally and mentally. Gotta stop the CYCLE somewhere. Get off the loop.

 

They say...that if you feel your spouse is cheating... he probably is. So... what are you going to do about it????? Where does the cycle stop????

 

Constructive planning. Gear up.

[shes2smart]

Last bf I had before I met my husband did the same sort of crap. Chatting with women online, meeting them for "coffee"....swore up and down nothing was going on, they were just friends, I was being insecure, why didn't I trust him and on and on and on. Like you, I felt I was put in a position where I had to snoop in order to know what was going on. I hated finding things out that way, I hated that I was stooping to that level, I hated that I felt like I had to babysit a 50-something year old man who should've known better.

 

I would say things like, "I trust you, but I don't trust those women you're talking to." I was lying to myself. Hindsight being what it is, 5 years after the fact I can now see that I clearly didn't trust him, and I had damn good reason NOT to trust him. Truth was I wasn't ready to DO anything about it at the time, so I couldn't admit to myself the fact that I didn't trust him. I lied to myself right up until the day I caught him in a situation so compromising there was no way he could talk himself out of it and there was no way I could keep lying to myself.

 

I left.

 

Several months later I met my husband. He has behaved in an absolutely trustworthy manner from day one, so when his gal pals entered the picture, it wasn't a problem. There are NO clandestine meetings, late-night phone calls, women that I haven't met f2f at least once. He's hiding nothing because there's nothing to hide. Compare that to my cheating ex who constantly hid stuff because there WAS something to hide. Some of my ex's interactions were completely innocent, but even those innocent interactions were hidden because some of his interactions with others were NOT innocent.

 

I seriously doubt you're dealing with "just friends" here. If they were just friends, there would be no need to hide things from you.

 

I agree with Shadows Light...you need to start figuring out what you are going to do. When my ex was up to this crap, I ended up leaving. Granted, we were not married, just living together, and there were no children involved, so it wasn't quite as complex a situation. Clearly, you cannot stay the way you are...you sound confused and unhappy and that is no way to live.

 

A therapist or counselor (either couples counseling or counseling for just yourself) could help you sort things out, and you might want to check into that.

[dancesinquicksand]

Thank You. For telling me all the things I knew but sooo needed to hear.

I feel exactly like that, and truth be told, I am exausted. We've come so far, and I guess that is the hardest part to understand. But I know you cant change anyone. And as much as I want to trust my husband I know I don't. I want to. In so many ways he is everything I could ever want. And yet I know I cant keep pretending. That I can live this way.

 

Im not good at letting go. I hold on, thinking things have to get better. One of these days he will wake up and see what he has. And we've come a long way. He's good at helping me at home, he's a good dad, and my best friend at the end of the day. How do I start to find my way to where I need to be. How do I find the strength to let go. Too bad Almost is never going to be good enough.....

[RayKay]

I don't recall your other thread, but reading this one, I will say this does not seem like a situation where you are dealing with jealousy of friendships...the secrecy, late night talking, meetings, are all in my opinion disrespectful, dishonest and they are a form of betrayal. Keep in mind I have nothing against "opposite sex friendships" either - my partner and I both have friends of the opposite sex. Difference is we have all met one another, are honest, tell each other when we are seeing them, invite them along and so on. There are no clandestine meetings.

 

It's hard when you have been with someone for so long - really, you two grew up together when you think about it since you started dating so young. It is not surprising it hurts to much, and there is also a reluctance to move on, and you also have children.

 

I can say you do deserve much better than someone whom you can't even trust, and whom does not make you feel like their "one and only" woman for them. One of my friends was in a relationship similar to yours, the guy was always having these "female friends" online, he would meet them, and a few times they broke up so he could "see what else was out there" basically. It was hard for her to leave, as they were best friends, but she also knew she deserved better - her self esteem had hit rock bottom and she needed to move on. Even if he never physically cheated, the pain and betrayal and dishonesty were more than enough.

 

I think you and him both need to consider counselling, together and apart, to go through the issues. It may not solve things, in fact you may both decide you need to move on, but even then counselling will help you two through the issues.

 

I do agree the snooping is not constructive, but given the issues in the past, I can understand why you do it and feel you need to do it. But now its time to actually take some action and make some decisions. Usually if you suspect someone is cheating, there is a good reason for it. Don't ignore that feeling, start taking some steps to actually truly get things out.

 

Do not allow him to turn things around on you (classic sign of someone whom is guilty of something!). He may never admit what is going on, but you should know him well enough by now to know when he is not being truthful. And I can say talking to her EVERYDAY and frequently is NOT something totally innocent, especially since he is hiding it from you. Honestly, you need to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt, as it does not sound like he has earned it given his sneakiness and his past. Even if there is no physical cheating, there is an emotional betrayal going on here, one evident by the secrecy from you.

 

Sweetie, this is not a "healthy" relationship. Yes there are men who stray and cheat, and make their partners feel like crap, but not the good ones. Even if he is your "best friend", he is not much of a "best friend" and partner if he carries out with "friendships" behind your back. You do deserve better. Yes you snooped, but I would not say you did it "wrongly" or you need to "fix your snooping" - you two need to address the relationship, and work on either fixing that together including the trust, and suspicious behaviour, or you need to fix yourself up to get ready to leave. You do deserve better.

[dancesinquicksand]

Thank you guys for all of your help. I am still not sure what I am going to do when my husband gets home in 10 days. He is out of the country and has no access to a phone so nc at least. Maybe I need to do some real soul searching. Figure out what is important.

 

Your right, the hardest part of this is we have grown up together. And we have a son we both love very much. We have both (i thought) or I guess I should say, I have tried to keep this marriage intact to give him a family. Maybe that was a mistake, who knows. I do know that this is exactly how I said I never wanted to feel again. And yet here I am.

 

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result .

[tulip]

I know this was posted quite a while ago, but I am dealing with someone that lies about his "friends" too. WHat ever happened with your relationship?

What advise would you give me having been through it now?