whats your thoughts on introversion?

[Borashi]

Do you feel being introverted is a positive aspect of your personality? I work in a very extroverted job traveling around to 80+ businesses a week, but my personality is more introverted. I tend to focus inward for guidance and happiness. I feel that I can gain more knowledge from observing the environment around me rather than entering into it and participating. I tend to really question other peoples beliefts. Like recently me and my best friend haven't really hung out much because our lives are going in separate paths, while I'm trying to embrace the positive, he on the other hand thinks having a good time always involves drinking. I'm trying to improve that aspect of my life and I don't feel a need to drink socially or otherwise. I figure if he can't have fun without drinking than its not worth my time. I've already been through the partying stage of my teenage years, now I feel its time to move on, get a career, so I can eventually get married, start a family, and make a difference, is there anything wrong with looking at life in this way. Or am I being to selfish with my time.

[Shadows Light]

For myself its a fine line... a balancing act. If someone were to describe me...they'd say I was an EXTROVERT. And they would be correct. To a point. I'm also an INTROVERT...and need my time alone.

 

There are many times, I am out in the "OPEN" participating. And I'll pull back to take stock and observe. The human condition is an amazing study. lol. People watching is a great great sport. Helps you gain perspective on where you are...and where you want to be.

 

Judging. Don't pass judgement. Just because you've moved along the path and your friend has not... doesn't make him less than. He's a journeyman also. He's just taken the scenic route. and one that fits right for him...and where he's at.

 

Choosing to sort out your life plan at age 24 is a "Good" choice. You need to assess and get a bead in where it is you are at...and where you want to be.

 

I want to caution you on one teeny tiny thing. Don't get so focused on "GETTING THERE" that you forget to LIVE. And enjoy the journey. lol.

Its a balancing act..... you make lots of trade offs along the way. I'm all for a PLAN. I'm a person who needs them. FUn is fun.. but you have to live...and you have to build that foundation under your house.

 

Having a career is important to me. If pays the bills..it gives me a sense of pride and esteem. It puts a roof over my head and it gives me "security"...for myself and my children. Whats missing is the "LIVING" and all the things I want to do. LOL.

 

Tim McGraw has a song "LIVE like you were dying" and he talks about Sky diving... lol... well it costs to go sky diving.. doesn't it. And it costs to learn to ride a MOTOR CYCLE or to take that dream vacation.

 

So keeping it in perspective... is important.

 

Don't judge... I agree, drinking is not "FUN"... everything in moderation. I like tipping a few back..but I don't need to... to have a good time. What someone else considers as fun... is OK for them. Just as long as it doesn't impede my life in anyway. If your friends drinking was hurting you...and hurting your journey.. I'd say, dump the friend. But its not hurting you. You have choices. You don't want to go out... so don't. Choose your own path. But remember.. he's not entirely wrong... you have to LIVE and have fun along the way. The lights can go out tomorrow... and if you haven't LIVED.. was it worth it????????

[arwen]

I can very much relate to how you describe yourself. My job of the past months involved answering calls of clients at a bank. I am not necessarily an outgoing person, I am more introvert but I can easily connect to people. So I can do this job with no problem. However, it drains me completely. I am exhausted after a day of complicated questions and complaints. I need to be alone to recharge-- hence I don't see my (student) friends that much anymore.

 

I don't think your attitude towards your friend is necessarily selfish. I have this friend that used to party a lot more than I did. We went together to a festival last summer and we sort of had this understanding that everyone had to experience his/her own 'festival'. Which meant that she'd be dancing and drinking all night, and I just went to enjoy the bands at night and go to bed for an early session of Tai Chi in the morning. This way, we really spend a great time there. I learned to let go a bit more, and she realized she really drank a lot. It seemed we drifted apart a bit, but nowadays she is more where I already was in life.

 

Sometimes friendships go apart for a while. Don't blame your friend for being in another place in life right now. But don't feel obliged to participate in his kind of lifestyle if that is not who you are.

 

Ilse.

[Shidoshi]

Do you feel being introverted is a positive aspect of your personality?

It can be positive and negative. The positive side is that you're ok being alone, and you're less dependant on others for happiness. Negatively, not being outspoken can cause problems when interacting with people, you may miss out on opportunities to meet new people. Being outspoken really helps with communication and can be a valuable asset in the job market. Those are just a few things, there's a lot more pros and cons.

while I'm trying to embrace the positive, he on the other hand thinks having a good time always involves drinking.

He's not the only one, it seems half the world feels this way, despite the negatives that come with abusing it. The revenue from alcohol sales is too great a commodity. I rarely meet people who don't drink atleast socially (I do occasionally, but I don't get completely twisted). Drinking in moderation can be a good thing, but we all know that when you're out drinking with the guys "moderation" is frowned upon. I once got so drunk I could barely move enough to keep from choking when I had to vomit. That was when I decided never to get that drunk again. Just don't give in and keep doing what you're doing.

[Miss M]

I'm an introvert too.

 

Found a really good book on the subject that helped me quite a lot...

link removed by Marti Olsen Laney

 

She explains it in a way that really helped understand and accept myself a lot more.

[Emotional]

let me tell you one thing...

You are not selfish with your life.

 

It's your life, not your friends. You

are all you got right now. If your

thinkin of higher things besides

child games and drinking partys

then you are maturing, and thats a good

thing.

 

You should really give yourself more credit!

Let your friend do what he wants, but that doesn't

mean you have to follow his path!

 

Think of what you would like your career to be

and get the ball rollin. things could only get

better!

 

 

By the way...I ama mix of both

so I'm a ambivert!

 

And yes...you can become more of a extrovert...but

I think introverts are just as great as extroverts...

[Shadows Light]

Emtional... There is actually a name for it???? ambivert.... serioulsy??? ohh this I will have to look up. And here I thought I had an alter ego... a double personality... lol. Thnx.

[Miss M]

By the way...I ama mix of both

so I'm a ambivert!

 

 

There is actually a name for it???? ambivert.... serioulsy??? ohh this I will have to look up. And here I thought I had an alter ego... a double personality... lol.

 

Actually, according to Marti Olsen Laney, (The Introvert Advantage) most people have both introverted and extroverted aspects. Most extroverts have moments of introversion, and most introverts have moments of extroversion. Laney says it's a normal part of human beingness to alternate between both aspects.

 

She explains the main difference between the two types by saying that introverts are those who are emotionally refueled by withdrawing into themselves, spending significant time being alone with one's thoughts in contemplation. For introverts being around others feels emotionally and physically draining and being alone again is a way to recharge the emotional system. Alternately extroverts are refueled by being with others and feel drained by spending time alone.

 

But for both types there is a normal impulse to sometimes display the alternalte behavior and characteristics. IOW too much alone time and introspection for introverts can start to feel overwhelming. And too much social time for extroverts does the same.

 

According to Laney, 75% of the population is extroverted, but without the 25% of introverts this society couldn't exist in this form because introverts contribute significantly to how it is structured.

 

Generally our society seems socially and culturally more geared towards the extroverted personality. That's why introverts feel out of their element, and are often viewed disparagingly. But she describes in detail how introverts are just hard-wired differently, specifically citing physiology, biochemistry, studies done by others in the field. She also explains in great detail all the benefits of being introverted in ways I hadn't previously considered. She explains how we contribute to society in ways that we don't usually realize or appreciate.

 

After reading the book I came to accept my introverted self in ways I had never done before, and now I relish my quiet time evern more, recognizing how nourishing it is for me.

 

A few excerpts from her book...

 

The... difference between the introvert and the extrovert is how they experience external stimulation. Extroverts like to experience a lot, and introverts like to know a lot about what they experience.
 
For introverts who have a high level of internal activity, anything coming from the outside raises their intensity level index quickly. It's kind of like being tickled -- the sensation goes from feeling good and fun to "too much" and uncomfortable in a split second.
 
-------------------------
 
By and large, extroverts like breadth -- lots of friends and experiences, knowing a little bit about everything, being a generalist. ...
 
Introverts like depth and will limit their experiences but feel each of them deeply. Often, they have fewer friends but more intimacy. They like to delve deeply into topics and look for "richness" more than "muchness."

[Shadows Light]

Wow... thank-you Miss M for taking the time to write that up. I'll certainly jot the name of the book down and take a look-see myself. Interesting.

 

I think I'm more in the extrovert catagory. I do get charged from being around people. And yes... certainly too much of a good thing is draining. And I am a generalist... jack of all trades master of none.

 

GREAT GREAT Write up. Thank-you sooo much.

[Shidoshi]

Yes, very insightful. Many people think shyness is "insecurity," and while that can be a factor, it doesn't necessarily hold true for everyone. I've been introverted since I was a normal, healthy child, without a care in the world. Just as described, I do have "moments" where I'm a bit extroverted, especially when asking a girl out.

[Miss M]

Wow... thank-you Miss M for taking the time to write that up.

Shadows Light, you're very welcome. I had bookmarked this thread because it seemed important. And I'd been procrastinating about digging out the book and doing this write-up. So thanks for letting me know the effort helped.

 

Ironically, I helped someone who is more extroverted? That's so funny to me, but also it's fine. I don't think I would have ever thought of recommending this book to an extrovert, so now I'll have to reconsider that as well.

 

I'll certainly jot the name of the book down and take a look-see myself.

It's a darn good book and substantially filled with lots of examples and info about scientific facts to back it all up. Reading it had a huge impact on me.

 

For a while Laney even had a website and a forum, but I just recently checked and it seems to be closed. Not sure if that's temporary or not.

[Emotional]

lol i learned what that was last year in

my family living class...or whatever...

[sandman47]

Being an introvert has not been a plus for me at all. It's not attracted romance into my life nor has it served me well career-wise. I'm not a schmoozer, and I don't put myself out there to attract a woman. I have no different personna for work or for romance. I am who I am, all the time. To be anything else is living a lie to me. And yet it seems that to get anything in this world you have to play the game, whether it be mating rituals or career games. That's what sickens me.

[Miss M]

Being an introvert has not been a plus for me at all. It's not attracted romance into my life nor has it served me well career-wise. I'm not a schmoozer, and I don't put myself out there to attract a woman. I have no different personna for work or for romance. I am who I am, all the time. To be anything else is living a lie to me. And yet it seems that to get anything in this world you have to play the game, whether it be mating rituals or career games. That's what sickens me.

Your post just helped me realize something. I've been writing on another thread...

link removed

...about how/why guys respond to a gorgeous girl. So now I'm realizing she is getting all that extra attention, negative and positive, from guys who are probably 100% extroverts. ... And if she's very solidly introverted, then these guys who pursue her are mostly very incompatible with her core personality. But they are drawing conclusions about her based on THEIR extroverted perspectives.

 

Okay, this helps me see with new eyes. Thanks.

 

Being an introvert has not been a plus for me at all. It's not attracted romance into my life nor has it served me well career-wise.

Do you like to read? The book mentioned above, The Introvert Advantage tells about what careers are especially suited to introverts. Some on the list are those that require prolonged quiet time and contemplation, like chemists, engineers, mathematicians, lab technicians, authors, researchers, librarians. Some careers that are suitable for introverts would be a torture for extroverts.

 

And here's the first paragraph from Chapter VII, "Working Hazards from 9 to 5."

The workplace can be filled with many possible pitfalls for introverts. Most require many skills outside of their comfort zones. That's why introverts often work alone, at home, or in a job where they have flexibility. But because not all introverts can arrange a work setting that is a perfect natural niche, it is crucial for them to understand how to avoid the potential dangers of a nine-to-five schedule.

... and then she continues on to explain in detail the ways to do that.

 

Here is a list she provided in that chapter...

What Every Extroverted Employee Should Know About Introverts
 
When extroverts (the majority) tangle with introverts (the minority) in the workplace, both sides need to be educated about what the other is like.
 
[list:98efdf1203]Introverts

• like quiet for concentration
  
• care about their work and workplace
  
• may have trouble communicating
  
• may know more than they reveal
  
• may seem quiet and aloof
  
• need to be asked for their opinions and ideas (won't simply supply them)
  
• like to work on long complex problems, and have good attention to detail
  
• need to understand exactly why they are doing something
  
• dislike intrusions and interruptions
  
• need to think and reflect before speaking and acting
  
• work alone contentedly
  
• may be reluctant to delegate
  
• prefer to stay in office or cubicle rather than socialize
  
• do not like to draw attention to themselves
  
• work well with little supervision
  
• may have trouble remembering names and faces

[/list 98efdf1203]

The rest of the chapter explains how to make some adjustments in your behavior at the job that are still in keeping with the introverted personality, but that will make your work-life easier.

 

She also has a chapter on relationships... And another on socializing. But the biggest overall "change" I've made after reading this book was to accept my introverted self as a legitimate human expression. And I no longer define my "right-ness" by an extroverted standard.

 

Being an introvert has not been a plus for me at all.

There are actually lots of "pluses" to being an itnrovert, but we don't usually understand or appreciate them because we're conditioned to view ourselves and our world through the extrovert's lens.

[Shidoshi]

And yet it seems that to get anything in this world you have to play the game, whether it be mating rituals or career games. That's what sickens me.

Why does it sicken you that you have to work for what you want in life? If it were easy, nobody would have this problem right? I'm primarily an introvert myself so I know where you're coming from, believe me I do.

[sandman47]

Why does it sicken you that you have to work for what you want in life? If it were easy, nobody would have this problem right? I'm primarily an introvert myself so I know where you're coming from, believe me I do.

 

Working for something does not sicken me at all. It's just the games that we must play to get ahead that I don't care for.

[-Hollywood-]

good for you for being who you are and not hiding it in order to fit in or make people think you're "cool". it's really important to feel good about who you are. you're not at all being selfish by living your own path in life. it's a very courageous and wholesome thing to do. introversion is a very positive trait: it involves focus, consideration, understanding, perspective and generosity(mainly because you're always thinking inward, and always problem solving by yourself and not getting distracted by other people----it's a bit of a paradox, i know, but trust me, you're all the more generous by being introverted). simply because your friend is going down a different path from you does not make you a bad person: you're all the better for not being influenced by him.

-H-

[Borashi]

I appreciate all the positive comments received and I definitely will checkout that book you mentioned. That same friend, I was hoping to do something with today, but it seems the more I want to expand, the more he wants to contract, what I mean is today after working out at home, I decided that I'd call him up and instead of drinking, I proposed we go out for a run, he's been running around 2 miles a day lately, which is great considering he has a weight problem, I myself thought it'd be cool to just run and bs about whatever. But after asking him twice if he wanted to do that, his reply was that it is gay for 2 guys to run together. So I was just like whatever and let it go. The more I try to focus on the positive the more it seems that I just need to let go of a lot of my current friends who would just try to influence me in negative ways, I guess it might seem selfish, but I'm looking at it as being more self directed, I really know what I want in life with a career and such, so I'm just going to go after it, and not let anyone hold me down.

[sandman47]

Yes we sure are conditioned that way. I hadn't thought of it like that. Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll check it out.

[Shidoshi]

Working for something does not sicken me at all. It's just the games that we must play to get ahead that I don't care for.

What exactly are you referring to when you say you have to play games in order to get ahead as far as relationships and careers go? When I say "working" for what you want, I'm talking about doing what you have to do in order to get what you want. Being introverted has it's benefits, but it also has many drawbacks. Although I'm an introvert, I do have moments where I do "extroverted" things because the situation calls for it. When asking women out you have to become more extroverted right? If someone is disrespecting you, be it verbally or physically, you must defend yourself right? I'm just trying to get an idea about what you mean by having to play games to get ahead.

[sandman47]

Working for something does not sicken me at all. It's just the games that we must play to get ahead that I don't care for.

What exactly are you referring to when you say you have to play games in order to get ahead as far as relationships and careers go? When I say "working" for what you want, I'm talking about doing what you have to do in order to get what you want. Being introverted has it's benefits, but it also has many drawbacks. Although I'm an introvert, I do have moments where I do "extroverted" things because the situation calls for it. When asking women out you have to become more extroverted right? If someone is disrespecting you, be it verbally or physically, you must defend yourself right? I'm just trying to get an idea about what you mean by having to play games to get ahead.

 

 

When I talk about playing games to get ahead with careers part of it is schmoozing and networking in order to get yourself up the ladder. I don't break into social networks easily at all and I'm certainly not a self-promoter. I bring my lunchpail to work and I do my job. I'm courteous and get along with co-workers and others at work. I'm respectful and obedient to superiors but I don't go out of my way to showcase my accomplishments.

I can get short with people at times when something needs to get done right now. For some reason it's perfectly acceptable for a surgeon or an airplane pilot to show hints of ego or personal ambition. But should I ever do it it's not. Never quite figured that one out. I absolutely refuse to have this bland, generic personality that seems so coveted by korporate amerika. Just an obedient worker bee. I was at a seminar for managers recently and listened to a speaker drone on and on about desired qualities for managers. The guy had the personality of raw tofu; just totally bland. I was ill just listening and watching the guy. That's an example of total subversion of one's self to get ahead in life. You can't tell me this guy was like that in college. Some would call it maturity. In order to get ahead in life he modified his personality to be bland and inoffensive.

 

With women there are so many mating rituals that just escape me. One is supposed to be sensitive but not act like a needy wuss. One needs to be strong yet tender, give your lover space but not too much or too little.

It seems that nowadays the nerdy geek is in style, the guy who was the math/computer whiz in high school picked on by the bullies and ignored by the hot chicks. I'm waiting for the quiet guys in the corner to come in style. That's me.

 

I've never had the cute pickup lines that guys use to initiate conversations with women; not to get them in the sack for the night but just to initiate a long-term relationship. That goes for online or IRL. I talk to women on various forums and and friendly with them all. But it's all been on a casual basis. I've not had these relationships taken beyond this level. I've not had these private conversations where we talk about taking things to a romantic physical level. And no woman has thrown herself at me I can assure you, although it seems like the more outgoing males, those that know what to say and when have women approaching THEM. That's never happened to me. I've been the one doing the hunting, never the hunted.

 

I have had women in my life for whom I confessed my love. To the person they all rejected me. In my late 40's I can honestly say that I've not experienced a love relationship where I love a woman and she also loves me. Those that I have had long term relationships with are those that have been put through hell by some jerk and have a world of hurt to get through. But my shoulders are tired of carrying all of that burden and baggage dumped on me. I'm tired of feeling ignored unless a woman has no better options or has had her fill of jerks. I'm tired of hearing elderly women wish they were 30 again so they could chase me as they express their lament of living in a loveless marriage.

 

Is some of this self-esteem issues? Yes. But I have no frame of reference to tell myself that things will get better. I can't just blindly repeat some cutesy affirmation and believe that my life will improve.

[Shidoshi]

"The guy had the personality of raw tofu; just totally bland"

 

 

Your stance on playing games to get ahead in the work place is understandable, I even agree with some of your reasoning, but I don't think it really has anything to do with being "introverted." I'm the kind of guy that finds it extremely hard to "fake" my way into people's good graces for promotional opportunities. My Uncle has a hard time dealing with coworkers/supervisors for the similar reasons, but he's not shy at all, he's very "extroverted."

With women there are so many mating rituals that just escape me. One is supposed to be sensitive but not act like a needy wuss. One needs to be strong yet tender, give your lover space but not too much or too little.

Yes, unfortunately we have to maintain a certain "balance" with women in order to be successful with them. I personally believe things are this way because our environment has changed so dramatically in such a relatively short period of time, but WE as human beings haven't. Our basic needs are still the same but we have all this technology and means of obtaining the necessities in life with very little effort. Women have the same inate desire for the best mate (and vice versa) but their requirements are different because we no longer have to be hunter-gatherers, and our free time has increased greatly. Look at some very accomplished musicians, artists etc. It wouldn't be possible to focus so much energy into these things if it weren't for modern conveniences. Women aren't satisfied with just a provider/nice guy, he has to be "confident" in what he does, especially the way he treats her (balance).

I'm waiting for the quiet guys in the corner to come in style. That's me.

Sorry to tell you, it just isn't going to happen. You know why? Because it's "too easy" to be the quiet in the corner.

I've never had the cute pickup lines that guys use to initiate conversations with women; not to get them in the sack for the night but just to initiate a long-term relationship.

Trust me, the "cute pickup lines" aren't why these guys are successful. It's their level of "confidence" in themselves that the women are picking up on.

it seems like the more outgoing males, those that know what to say and when have women approaching THEM.

They do tend to, but it's almost by default. They probably put themselves into situations where they get more opportunites for that. Of course being outgoing helps attraction, but it also means these guys probably take more "risks."

I've been the one doing the hunting, never the hunted.

I'd say this holds true for 98% of all guys, that's just how women are. Even if they really like you, some won't make it be known in any obvious manner.

I'm tired of feeling ignored unless a woman has no better options or has had her fill of jerks.

Right, and you shouldn't hesistate to get rid of women like this, because you're essentially doing the same thing they are by putting up with them (or settling).

Is some of this self-esteem issues? Yes. But I have no frame of reference to tell myself that things will get better. I can't just blindly repeat some cutesy affirmation and believe that my life will improve

You have to "create" this frame of reference. Your life will get better when you start acting and feeling like someone who wouldn't put up with women who tend to "use" certain guys when they feel their options are limited. My response may be a little simplistic but I'm just trying to see where your head is at.

[sandman47]

 

 

 

 

 

 

Trust me, the "cute pickup lines" aren't why these guys are successful. It's their level of "confidence" in themselves that the women are picking up on.

 

 

 

You have to "create" this frame of reference. Your life will get better when you start acting and feeling like someone who wouldn't put up with women who tend to "use" certain guys when they feel their options are limited. My response may be a little simplistic but I'm just trying to see where your head is at.

 

 

Your replies made a lot of sense to me. Not simplistic at all. Thank you. But how do I create this frame of reference in me and develop confidence in myself? Is it all self-esteem? My head has been telling me for years to move on with my life. I want to be able to go into any situation whether it be career or romance oriented and know that I can succeed. I've had this feeling for years that I've settled in so many ways. It's time to stop that and live the life I deserve.

[Shidoshi]

I want to be able to go into any situation whether it be career or romance oriented and know that I can succeed. I've had this feeling for years that I've settled in so many ways. It's time to stop that and live the life I deserve.

You hit the nail on the head. I remember a time when I didn't have a girlfriend for a while and I was getting frustrated with having to come to terms with my shyness. All the girls I had been with were either friends of friends or coworkers. One friend in particular always had something to say about it and he would tell me I should settle for certain girls because "something" is better than "nothing."

 

However, I held out because I was determined to find a woman I actually wanted to be with rather than settle for the ones I was around at the time. It worked out in the long run because I had to strike up conversation with women I didn't know and it forced me to be more "extroverted" in order to get what I wanted. All the while not selling myself short by conforming to pressure from other people. You will be so much more satisfied with yourself if you continue to maintain your values and go after what you want.

 

I'm still an introvert, but I like that fact that I can switch gears sometimes and be successful. Look at it like this, what do you have to lose? Regret for me is so much harder to deal with then rejection.

[Miss M]

For anyone interested, the website for introverts that I mentioned above is back up and running...

link removed

 

Lots of info, and there is also a forum...

And the author has a new book ... The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child