Can married men really have women friends?

[dancesinquicksand]

Recently I discovered an email from a girl to my husband. I did not say anything at first not wanting to overreact. Or be accused of not trusting him. Although we have had issues in the past that do warrant my caution. The emails were always inocent. Just stupid spam jokes that you randomly send your friends. I then found out that they are also speaking on msn messenger. And today I learned that she has been calling him and text messaging his cell phone. I approached my husband about a month ago. When it was just the emails. And asked who she was. He says she is an old co-worker and that they are just friends. He also says she is married. I told him the relationship bothered me and asked him if he could stop. He said he would. That was 2 months ago. The relationship is now more I am afraid. I have no proof that they are doing more than speaking on the phone,emails, and text messaging. But I have a bad feeling this is the start of more. Can they really just be friends? And if so, why so secretive.

[darkblue]

Hi, and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

If he is being secretive it's because you are determined that he can't be friends with her.

 

I don't think you should be so hard on him. I have many friends who are girls and my best friend is female.

 

Talk to him about it in a sensitive and caring way.

 

Accept that he has a female friend.

 

The problem however, I feel lies deeper.

 

Why don't you trust him?

[Jaela]

well he is lying about it, which is never a good sign. I do believe it's possible to have strictly platonic relationships, but they never warrant being sneaky or lying. What situations have caused you to feel cautious, from the past?

[darkblue]

well he is lying about it, which is never a good sign. I do believe it's possible to have strictly platonic relationships, but they never warrant being sneaky or lying. What situations have caused you to feel cautious, from the past?

 

I feel he is only being secretive because he wants the friendship but doesn't want his wife to be 'telling him what to do' or being harsh and offended that he has a female friend.

[Jaela]

I agree that may be the case, Dark Blue, but at the same time why didn't he object when she made the demand, instead of agreeing to it? Nothing good comes from being sneaky in a relationship, especially a marriage. Dancesinquicksand, if I were in your position, I would bring your concerns to your husband and, as Dark Blue stated, do so in a loving non-demanding fashion. Tell him you have these concerns and explain why you feel the way you do. Allow him to explain his side and his feelings. It's never a good idea to demand someone to do something, as it only breeds resentment and now, obviously, sneakiness. But there does seem to be an underlying trust issue with the relationship. With this situation, you two need to communicate your needs and work towards a loving, respectful compromise together.

 

Oh! I just reread the original post. She said she had asked him to stop and he agreed. It seems as if there wasn't a demand, only a request.

[darkblue]

but at the same time why didn't he object when she made the demand, instead of agreeing to it? - He would be concerned of either losing:

 

1. A friendship.

or

2. Trust from his wife.

 

Yes it was a 'request'. A 'Demand' would provoke frustration and bitterness.

[dancesinquicksand]

The distrust comes from past problems. That i thought we had put behind us. I know and want to give this relationship the benefit of the doubt. But I have a hard time believing it is harmless. I am also led to believe that her husband does not know about the relationship either. They messenger late at night. And last night she called his cell phone while i was there and he went in the other room. If it is just a friendship why so many closed doors.

[Jaela]

I dunno, Dancesinquicksand. If I were married and experiencing this situation, it would make me nervous too. How is you and your husband's communication? It just seems to me that if he loves you and can see it is bothering you, he will make every effort to do what it takes to maintain the friendship while showing you that it truly IS just a friendship, and nothing you should feel threatened by. It seems like right now he is only building walls.

 

I would never ask someone not to have a relationship with someone else, and perhaps that is why he's building walls. At the same time, you have every right to voice your discomfort. Darkblue, is he not accomplishing the same by not being honest with her request? It seems as if she is losing trust anyway, by him handling it this way.

[lady00]

The short answer to the topic of your thread is: Yes. It's possible to have platonic relationships with the opposite sex when in a relationship. I assume the same goes for marriage. But I think the question is which came first...his secretiveness or your suspiscions? If the relationship is innocent but you told him you didn't like it then it makes sense that he would be secretive. If you try to be more open about it and receptive to the idea of them being friends, perhaps he would be more open about it too. But if he knows it bothers you and doesn't want to lose his friend (a person shouldn't have to give up their friends when they are in a relationship or married) then he will be more likely to hide it. If you tell him you're fine with it, he may be less likely to hide their conversations.

 

What do you mean about the past? What did he do that caused you to mistrust him in the past?

[darkblue]

I dunno, Dancesinquicksand. If I were married and experiencing this situation, it would make me nervous too. How is you and your husband's communication? It just seems to me that if he loves you and can see it is bothering you, he will make every effort to do what it takes to maintain the friendship while showing you that it truly IS just a friendship, and nothing you should feel threatened by. It seems like right now he is only building walls.

 

I would never ask someone not to have a relationship with someone else, and perhaps that is why he's building walls. At the same time, you have every right to voice your discomfort. Darkblue, is he not accomplishing the same by not being honest with her request? It seems as if she is losing trust anyway, by him handling it this way.

 

By being honest and saying: 'well deary, It is my FEMALE friend, and I would like to keep her as a friend AGAINST your wishes.'

 

He wouldn't gain much from the situation either.

 

Bottom line - Talk to him. If you don't trust him; you shouldn't be in the damn relationship.

 

If you can't handle your HUSBAND being friends with a Female. You have problems.

[dancesinquicksand]

We married very young. Split up once, for a lot of reasons. Mostly age. We have a son together. Who we have tried to give a happy home to. He was playing the cake and eat it too game. Dateing while stringing me along, while denying to me that he was dateing. We did end of working through it. And i put it in the past. Then last year i signed on his computer and some girl starts talking to me. She thinks I am him. So I just went along with it . Not sure who she was. She starts saying she had a good time last night and thank you. So of course red flags. Long story short. When she found out it was me. She signed off. And he claims she is also just a friend, who he took for a drive. I am ok with him haveing friends. I just dont understand why I am never aware of them. If there is nothing to hide. Why do it.

[Jaela]

well I think you do have a problem with him having friends, or else you wouldn't have asked him to stop. Bottom line is, your husband is being sketchy. I can only see this from my own view, but if my significant other asked me to do something that bothered them, I would be honest in my response. Which is why my ex and I clashed so much. He expected me to give up things just because they bothered him (going out with friends, having a few glasses of wine while I was out, etc.) and I flat out told him he was being unreasonable, and I refused. I never agreed not to do it just to appease him, only to go behind his back to do it anyway. I have also never given him a reason not to trust me. You can't expect your husband to give up friends. It's unreasonable and unfair. You both need to talk together honestly about this issue. I can't imagine being in a relationship where I was paranoid the other was cheating on me.

 

Do you trust him?

[dancesinquicksand]

Actualy I'm pritty understanging with the friend thing. He goes out. I am fine with his single friends, even when they drag him to the strip clubs. Mostly i would say i was shocked how often he spoke to this girl. When i asked him what the relationship was, he said she just sends me jokes. Im sorry, to as they say.." beat a dead horse.." but i was fine with that. What I dont like is, why I am never around when he talks to her. Why if he is such good friends with her I have never met or spoken to her. I guess like most people who have been hurt. We let go, but never forget the warrning signs. Why keep me in the dark. I'm supposed to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm okay with the friendship. I'm not okay with the lies..

[Jaela]

Dancesinquicksand, here is another thread dealing with the issue of platonic friendships as well

 

link removed

[xmrth]

I really don't see how it can be just 100% okay that he sneaks behind your back with female firends. You could say that about so many other things in life but it doesn't mean that's how it is, hands down. Just because you've not been okay with it doesn't mean he's hiding it from you because you're not okay with it. He should flat out tell you, and if he doesn't, then there could be something going on.

 

From what you said about the instant messaging thing... well I don't see how much fun a car ride can be. And why would she immediately sign off if she had nothing to hide? She could have at least played along, too.

 

If you're alright with him having a female friend then he HAS TO tell you about her. He HAS TO inform you about it. If he's keeping it from you then he is hiding something. Just make sure you've made it clear that he needs to tell you if he's going to have a female friend. What about if you had a male friend?

I believe it's only okay as long as both people have it equal. One can't have the opposite gender friends if the other one can't, you know what I mean?

[shes2smart]

I'm married. My husband has female friends. I have male friends. He e-mails his gal pals on a regular basis (some don't live near us...he met them through one of his favorite bands' message boards...they swap music with each other), some of his gal pals are his co-workers. He goes out to lunch with them during work, and since my work schedule and his don't match up, sometimes he'll go to lunch or the movies with them while I'm at work. I don't have a problem with it. If I wanted to see the e-mails, he wouldn't care if I looked. As a matter of fact, I have seen some of the e-mails...totally innocuous.

 

Now, here's the difference in your situation and mine: I completely trust him to honor his commitment to me and our marriage. He's not hiding anything from me nor is he acting like he's hiding anything from me.

 

So, to answer the question posed in the subject line of this thread. Yes, married men can have female friends who are nothing more than friends. Sounds like the problem isn't the female friends per se....but rather some trust issues the two of you need to work on.

[dancesinquicksand]

I see what you are saying. My question now is. How do you know when the friendship has gone too far. When do you start to ask questions. And what are the right ones. I love my husband. But I dont want to play the he is just a friend game. I dont know this girl. And as far as i knew they were just emails. And that is only the first lie i have caught him in. Why lie. When there is no need.

[shes2smart]

Quickest way to cut to the chase, IMO, is meet the girl. My husband was eager for me to meet his gal pals. I've been to lunch or dinner with him and them (well, the ones in town anyway), one of them's been over here for dinner with us(he cooked), last week we went one's birthday dinner with a bunch of other people from his workplace.

 

While I'm friendly with these girls -- know their names, could maybe pick them out of a crowd, know some basics about them (age, bf/husband names if they have one, what they do at work, etc.) I don't consider them my friends. Aquaintences? Sure. I'm not close enough to them to call them friends...and while they're nice and all, I don't have enough in common with any of them to develop anything past a social-event relationship. They're his friends.

 

Same thing goes for my guy friends -- he's met them all, we've all gone out together or gotten together at our place at least once. He's friendly with them, but he has no one-on-one relationship with my guy friends. He wouldn't think to call up one of my guy friends to go out for a drink or meal just like I wouldn't think to call up one of his gal pals to go shopping or whatever.

[Shadows Light]

I have to agree with shes2smart. I don't see why friendships can't be co-ed....I've had male friends for years..and been just buds with them.

 

I think that its ok. I think its a matter of TRUST. Trusting that the other is going to stay true.

 

If you feel you have to baby-sit your man and keep him on a leash... omg its not worth it.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Dance has he ever cheated before that you know of?

[dancesinquicksand]

Yes. He has been unfaithfull in the past. We separated, worked it out. But he also has had improper friends on line, in the past. He agreed to stop all this. That is why it is so upsetting that he would keep this secret if it is harmless. He knows that I am very leary about other women in his life. Especialy ones I do not know. If I had men he did not know, calling me he would not understand. Why am I suposed to just blow it off.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

When you say unfaithful, do you mean to suggest he has actually had sexual relations with any women while with you in the past?

[dancesinquicksand]

To answer your question. Yes he cheated. I walked in on him and another girl. That was a few years back. And since then I only know of the one night he took the girl out he said was feeling down. That night he said he went to bed early. So theres a lie. I forgave him for the first time. Had no real proof he wasnt just trying to be mr nice guy the second.

 

I go out of town on business every four days. Now usualy he has our son with him so I know nothing is really going on then. But I cant help feeling upset. That this girl who I have never met,or spoken to has my husbands phone #. Is calling him and text messaging him. After he said they were just emails.

 

 

I guess I am looking for a male percpective. Do you think that they really just could be friends. Should I really just let it go. And why is she calling him. And him asking to meet her with his buddy at the bar. As far as I know they never ended meeting but.. The invitation is out there.

 

 

When he gets home, how should I handle this. Mostly I want answers. But I'm afraid the ones I want I will never get.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

If he cheated and lied about it once why do you think he has changed?

Answer that and you will have a good indicator whether or not you are currently being irrational or not.

[karmic-witch]

Ok heres my suggestion. Get her email addy or even better her phone number and invite both her and her husband over for dinner. Be really nice like "ive been looking forward to meeting you" even better if you can get the husband on the phone. This way you can make it known not only do you exist (if she doesnt already know) but also let her husband know (in the nicest possible way) the contact that has been going on between them that he may be unaware of. Expose this so its no longer a private thing going on.