Lament of the Lonely...

[volution]

A list of all the things that cause you anguish when single...

Feel free to add your own! Perhaps it will make us feel a little bit better pouring out some of this pain...

 

* Waking up, cold in the morning, tired, exhausted.

* No reason to get up, no reason to go to work. No reason to work.

* Throughout the day, nothing to keep you going.

* Stress unending.

* Nothing to come home to. No reason to come home.

* In fact, no 'home' for home is where the heart is. Just an empty house, dank, cold and uninviting.

* Facing the night with trepidation.

* No warmth, no light.

* No-one to ask how you were.

* No-one to hold, to kiss, to be comforted by.

* No-one to talk to.

* No-one to dream with.

* No-one to offer help or suggestions.

* No hope.

* No future.

* No point.

* No reason for living.

 

* Can't go to cinema.

- You feel like a sore thumb, sticking out for miles around.

* Can't go to museums, art galleries, exhibitions, etc.

- You are the odd one out, and feel everyone will avoid you as a sad lonely loser.

* Can't go on holiday.

- No point going on holiday as they penalise single people with 'single supplements' and all kinds of rubbish.

- No-one to share the experiences, sights, and sound with.

* Can't rest or ever relax properly - stressed out, wondering if and when someone might ever not come.

* Your dreams, hopes, fade away.

[dpressedone89]

-having no one to confide in

-fear of dying alone

-living with the fact i gave my heart away only to receive it back damaged and stamped return to sender

-never knowing if there is someone out there

-sleeping until ten o clock and wondering why i woke up

-feeling rejected

[shes2smart]

I hope y'all are just venting. If you are seriously expecting a relationship to remove those issues from your life, you are in for a letdown. All of those things can and do occur in relationships as well as in single life.

 

I'm married and happy...however, I was also single for a long time and I was single and happy, too. I could go back to being single and happy if I had to. I also had plenty of times when I was in a relationship and miserable....and that sort of miserable is much worse than being single, lonely, and unhappy.

 

Sure, I had my moments when I was single where I didn't want to be and was down about it, but I didn't allow myself to wallow in "what's wrong with me/my life" for very long. That kind of thinking tends to attract more of the same. To turn things around, I had to focus on the things I liked about my life in general, and my single life in particular. The more I noticed those things, the more positive things I was able to welcome in.

 

So, I am hoping that you're just expressing some momentary frustration and not your overall, overriding view of single life. If you cannot create a happy single life for yourself, I don't know how you can expect to create a happy coupled life with someone else.

[Mr. Cactus]

shes2smart took the words right out of my mouth. The title of the thread was "lament of the lonely", but then the first sentence was "a list of things that cause you anguish when single". They don't have anything to do with each other.

 

I feel that people who think like that are not differentiating properly between loneliness and being single. They are two different things. I am single, proud of it, I'm not at all interested in having a relationship and I have no intention of ever getting married. But I don't suffer from any of the "symptoms" mentioned. In fact, life has never been better. I am my own master, I don't have the added complications of being responsible for a family, I am financially independent, I never get into arguments with myself, I don't have to make compromises with myself and I am not lonely - even though I live completely alone and work from home.

 

As shes2smart so correctly says, if anyone thinks a relationship is going to solve those problems then they are in for a big shock.

 

Sure, relationships are great things and can add a lot of depth and satisfaction to your life. But for starters, no one is ever going to have a successful relationship (or even start one) when their outlook on life is so clouded by the laments listed here.

[annie24]

Ditto to what S2S said. I hope this is a vent. I really don't agree with your list. I'm single, and I'm going on vacation next week, by myself. I go to museums by myself when I feel like, I go to nice dinners by myself also when I feel like it. I feel I have plenty of friends and family in my life that can offer advice and a shoulder to cry on when things are bad, and people I can go out and have fun with when things are good.

 

What I miss, waking up to someone in the morning when it's cold outside. But, just because you're single doesn't mean that you can't enjoy a full and happy life.

[Morning_Star]

Ditto to what shes2smart said.

 

For what it's worth...my 2 cents added:

 

Never depend on anyone to make you happy, you must find happiness within yourself before anyone could do so.

[shes2smart]

I'm single, and I'm going on vacation next week, by myself.

 

Some of the best vacations I've had were vacations I took by myself.

 

The first time I went to Las Vegas, I went by myself. Went out to Red Rock Canyon early in the morning with my journal and some breakfast in my backpack, hiked up onto some rocky outcropping and sat there writing, eating a granola bar, watching the sun come up, and knowing that I was whole and complete on my own.

 

I've carried that moment with me ever since.

 

You can't have a moment like that if there's even one other person around.

 

Have a good time on your vacation....may it be filled with those kinds of moments.

[ShySoul]

* Eating alone and thinking how you would like to take someone out to dinner.

* Seeing couples holding hands, kissing, etc.... wondering why you can't have that.

* Hearing a song that reminds you of what you could have.

* Knowing that you love someone with all your heart but them not being ready to commit even when you can tell deep down that they like you too.

* Seeing the sun shining and wondering why it still feels like a dark, lousy day.

* Hearing people tell you to cheer up and not be sad, which just makes you kick yourself for feeling like you do and gets you even sadder.

[brando]

As long as you guys believe these thoughts these laments, the longer you will suffer. None of it is true, unless you choose to believe it is true.

 

In time, you will understand more, believe me.

 

Be well, and wach your thoughts... they mean nothing if you dont give them power.

[annie24]

You know, if there's one thing that eNotalone has taught me, it's that there's a lot of people out there, miserable in relationships. There are plenty of people on here who are married, or have a committed relationship, and they have some serious problems. I can't tell you how many times I've been on a plane, or wherever, and people just spill their relationship or other personal problems to me. (I don't know why people do that to me... they just do. )

 

Anyways, next time you see a couple holding hands, don't feel sorry for yourself, and think, "Oh, they are so perfectly happy!" Things aren't always as they appear.....

[DN]

I can't tell you how many times I've been on a plane, or wherever, and people just spill their relationship or other personal problems to me. (I don't know why people do that to me... they just do. )

That happens to me as well. First time it did, I got embarrassed but said something wildly intelligent and helpful; I believe it was: "Um!".

[shes2smart]

Observation:

 

The posters to this thread who have added to the list of laments have all been

 

1. male

 

2. two under 25, the other has no age listed...given the overall make up of the site it's very possible he's under 30.

 

I dunno....when I was single and in my late teens to mid 20's the vast majority of guys I knew were actively avoiding getting into relationships. (Sure, they wouldn't turn down sex...but talk of a relationship brought on elaborate soliloquies of "why I can't be tied down at this point in my life") The R word would send 'em running for the hills. So, this seems very different from what I experienced and saw at that age.

 

Anyone else wonder why that is?

[DN]

Observation:

 

The posters to this thread who have added to the list of laments have all been

 

1. male

 

2. two under 25, the other has no age listed...given the overall make up of the site it's very possible he's under 30.

 

I dunno....when I was single and in my late teens to mid 20's the vast majority of guys I knew were actively avoiding getting into relationships. (Sure, they wouldn't turn down sex...but talk of a relationship brought on elaborate soliloquies of "why I can't be tied down at this point in my life") The R word would send 'em running for the hills. So, this seems very different from what I experienced and saw at that age.

 

Anyone else wonder why that is?

 

How many did you know who had never had a relationship or who had been in one that went bad on them?

[annie24]

S2S - You've heard the soliloque too?

 

Yes... oh my.... I have heard it, and soooo many times! The "I can't handle a relationship right now, my life is so crazy, I had this super crazy gf last year, and now I'm just trying to figure out who I am and where I want to go in life, and I don't really know what I want and...."

 

And this is where I say, "but... I was just asking you out to coffee... you don't have to commit to any one type of coffee. You can also get tea, or juice...."

 

*sigh*

[ShySoul]

So, this seems very different from what I experienced and saw at that age.

 

Well I can speak for me and one of the other guys since I've followed his posts alot and we seem to think similarly. We hold love in a very high regard and haven't had much luck in that department. We aren't similar to most guys who just want to mess around, we actual are looking to find true love and that one person we can share ourselves with and who loves and understands us like no other. So feeling like that, a guy can only take so much before he needs to vent and gets depressed for awhile. Sometimes feeling down and depressed can be beneficial, it gives you a chance to let everything out instead of bottling it all up inside. The key is to not feel like that all the time, to be able to after a few days pick yourself up.

 

And on my end: after baring your heart to a girl for the first time in your life, going so far to say you love her, to know that deep down she wants to be with you too, but to still end up single.... I think I'm entitled to a little bit of lamenting.[/

[shes2smart]

How many did you know who had never had a relationship or who had been in one that went bad on them?

 

It's been so long ago, I can't remember.

 

Although you do have a point in that I failed to factor in my own penchant for choosing unavailable men at that time in my life......

 

S2S - You've heard the soliloque too?

 

More times than I care to remember.

 

The key is to not feel like that all the time, to be able to after a few days pick yourself up.

 

Absolutely. Nothing wrong with a good vent. But as they used to say at the riding stable I used to take lessons at: You got to get back on the horse what threw you.

[Cyndane]

I feel the most frustrating thing is KNOWING that you're all right but feeling powerless against these negative emotions that keep pulling me down. Knowing I am keeping myself in this suffering. Take care everyone.

[annie24]

Cyndane, if you know that, then you need to literally, get out of your own way! Don't let yourself stand in between you and your goals and happiness.

[ShySoul]

I feel the most frustrating thing is KNOWING that you're all right but feeling powerless against these negative emotions that keep pulling me down. Knowing I am keeping myself in this suffering. Take care everyone.

 

It can be easy to fall into a cycle. You know you are alright, but then the feelings of being lonely will hit you from nowhere. You then berate yourself for feeling like that, which only makes you feel worse.

[Shinobie]

Iono ive noticed that most of the time it is guys that are lonely posting.But iono maybe guys are more open about it though.But what it seems like there are a whole lot more guys that are lonely then girls but iono both sides have their good and bad parts of being female or male.

[brando]

You know, if there's one thing that eNotalone has taught me, it's that there's a lot of people out there, miserable in relationships. There are plenty of people on here who are married, or have a committed relationship, and they have some serious problems.

 

 

This is because people in general believe others are responsible for their happiness. Somehow long ago we were all programmed to believe another person, this love interest, this romantic connection, this (and i hate to use this word) soul mate is out their waiting for us to pair up with.

 

Listen to all the love songs, read the romantic love poems, sonnets, how pathetic those songs really are, how untrue.

 

If we all had a better understanding of our selves.. we wouldnt have half the drama we haer about and experience in our romantic relationships.

 

I read somewhere that a person can go from one relationship to the next, to the next... looking to find happiness, and after some time and many failed relationships the most important thing to conclude is that their is one common denominator... ones self.

 

It is at this point that a person needs to take the time to start looking within for what they thought would be found without.

 

That is why i believe now that each love interest is a teacher. The lesson isnt always clear, and unfortunately their is some pain involved to learn.. (grow) and i mean even those who stay together, but as long as the lessons aren't resisted, denied, ignored, the pain isnt as bad. In fact pain isnt clearly the right word, i feel it is more of a discomfort.

 

It all boils down to learning about ourselves. Relationships are great mirrors to reflect back to us our behavouirs, our thoughts, and perceptions on life.

 

just my opinion.

[shes2smart]

You read it once, read the above post by brando again.

 

Read it a third time.

 

The man has hit the nail squarely on the head.

 

You wanna be happy? Your "how to" is in the post above.

[ShySoul]

If we all had a better understanding of our selves.. we wouldnt have half the drama we hear about and experience in our romantic relationships.

 

What if your someone who does have an understanding of himself? What if you know who you are, what you want, where your going, etc...? But somewhere deep down there is still an empty feeling like something is missing. As a quiet, shy, introspective person, I've spent hours looking at myself. I've gotten to know myself so well I'm almost sick of myself . But what good is knowing myself and feeling good about myself, if I can't share it with others?

 

It doesn't stop the drama in relationships or potential relationships, because there are two people to consider. And it makes things harder because I know what I want and I know how to eliminate much of the drama, so I want to be able to help her see that. I want to be able to make things easy for her. It's not so much that she is my happiness (though she makes me happier then I've ever felt before) its that I want to make her happy. She fills an empty spot in my life and I long to fill the empty spot in hers.

 

Listen to all the love songs, read the romantic love poems, sonnets, how pathetic those songs really are, how untrue.

 

Depends on the song. I can give you a list of songs that fit peoples situations like a glove. Here's my favorite, and anyone who has felt pain in their live only to meet someone they love more then anyone else will understand how true it is:

 

link removed

[volution]

What if your someone who does have an understanding of himself? What if you know who you are, what you want, where your going, etc...? But somewhere deep down there is still an empty feeling like something is missing. As a quiet, shy, introspective person, I've spent hours looking at myself. I've gotten to know myself so well I'm almost sick of myself . But what good is knowing myself and feeling good about myself, if I can't share it with others?

 

Isn't the utterly worst thing, if you have found yourself, and are ready to merge your path with another soul, you bear all your innermost desires, hopes, dreams, feelings - but they just are indifferent, or kick it back in your face?

The falling apart, the depression that follows - it undoes all the work you did, you don't know who you are anymore, or what your dreams are. You can't enjoy things like you used to. You wonder if you will ever feel the same again... You wonder if ever you will *feel* again...

 

BTW, I just wrote this poem on this topic..

 

I just wrote this:

 

Because I fell in Love...

 

When I was younger,

I used to see the beauty

In a sunset - the etheral creams

Dripping into the horizon.

 

When I was younger,

I used to smell the beauty

Of a flower; watching enrapturedly

A life bloom from a seed.

 

When I was younger,

I found joy unbridled in

Hours of playful fantasies,

Of honest stories and noble tales.

 

When I was younger,

I used to know the power

Of a smile, and the healing

Of an embrace.

 

When I was younger,

My heart was innocent,

And my thoughts were pure.

Hope filled my soul.

 

But then, I fell in love...

 

I found that the beauty

In all these things only

Meant something when

It was shared with another.

 

I fell in love, but the love

Was not returned - all

The things that I found

Beautiful, became worthless.

 

No longer could I feel the

Same again - sunsets were

Only filled with grey, tears

Of rain from a uncaring god.

 

Flowers blossomed, but

They only appeared to me

In black and white, and

Even up close smelled weak.

 

Stories and fantasies became

Distant echoes - the hallway

Of my soul filled with a

Suffocating mist.

 

Embraces, touches, kisses

And smiles only happened

To other people - I felt

Like a ghost in this world.

 

The pureness and dreams,

Crumbled away, replaced

By a bitterness, and aching

Heart - broken, soon fading.

 

Because I fell in love...

[ShySoul]

Isn't the utterly worst thing, if you have found yourself, and are ready to merge your path with another soul, you bear all your innermost desires, hopes, dreams, feelings - but they just are indifferent, or kick it back in your face?

 

Almost the utterly worst thing. The worst thing is to know deep in your heart that she is interested in you to, that she has shared hopes, dreams, desires, feelings... but for some reason you still can't be together.

 

At least if she is indifferent or throws in back to you, you can eventually say that she was a fool and that you don't need someone like that. You'll get angry with her for her cold attitude and rudeness. But when it's so close you can taste it, then it really stings....

 

Volution, nice poem... although not the most cheerful one and probably not what I should be reading right now. Maybe try focusing on something a little lighter? If you want something to laugh at instead of feeling down, write me. Hey, just write me if you have any other poems to share, I'll see if I can dig up some of mines.