No attraction...is chemistry overrated?

[Avalon772]

I am so ticked off I can't see straight. Soon after suffering a crushing breakup with a guy I was crazy about but whose selfishness made a relationship with him impossible, I met a great, wonderful guy who thinks I'm the cat's pajamas. He feels total chemistry for me....considers me gorgeous and doesn't hesitate to tell me often...loves spending time with me...is extremely gentle and affectionate and I absolutely love the way he touches me. Problem is, I simply am not attracted to this guy.

 

I don't like the way he kisses me at all...I feel like he's trying to harpoon me with his tongue. I mean, seriously...it's gross. I've considered being honest and telling him this, but don't know if it would help with my feelings...and if it didn't, what have I accomplished except hurting his feelings?

 

We had sex once, which, in hindsight, I think, was my way of seeing if perhaps the attraction would "kick in." But I realized immediately afterward that that wasn't wise, and I told him several days later that, while I thought I was ready for that, I realized that I wasn't and that we need to back off of that. He was extremely gracious and understood.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I am 37 years old. Never married. No kids. The dating pool has become full of recent divorcees who are either on the fast-track to finding a new girlfriend and bypassing the pain of dealing with their loss (and punishing her later for it) or guys so emotionally damaged they really aren't good dating prospects. It's not good. This guy is neither. He's a great communicator, sensitive, emotionally available, generous....pretty much everything I'm looking for in a guy that I thought no longer existed.

 

What should I do?!?!?!?!

Avalon

[confusedgrl23]

how long have you known him?

 

Because usually the more you spend time with someone, the more you get to know them, and if they are great, the more attractive they become to you.

He sounds like such an awsome guy, maybe dont rush into things, dont force yourself to be attracted to him, actually dont even look at him thinking if hes goodlooking or not, but just enjoy being with him.

 

and under no cicumstances, do not even think about telling him you are not attracted to him. Thats cruel and he doesnt deserve his feelings hurt.

[Day_Walker]

I think telling him that "we need to back off" isnt the proper thing to say instead you need to say exactly what you have said her that you just dont feel anything for him. Sure you can learn to like a person but it doesnt seem that you want to invest that much time. Cut ties and just leave it at that.

[shes2smart]

Wow...you sound a little like me 4 years ago when I was 37. I was all set to be single for the rest of my life. Even went to a lawyer and had a will and living will drawn up that way...was within a year of purchasing a house by myself.

 

Dating was like a bowl of granola....what wasn't fruits & nuts was flakes. I kept on chatting online...mostly for entertainment. If I talked to someone local who seemed interesting, I'd go meet for coffee, but with no great hope of anything developing.

 

When I had well and truly figured I would never get married, along came this 26 year old punk who I thought lived too far away and I thought was too young.

 

He was persistent....and too interesting not to meet. So we met. A week later he proposed. That was October 2001. We got married the following July and that was 3 years ago. Still stupidly happy.

 

I don't think I did anything extraordinary. Just made my own plans but remained open to the idea of a relationship. Decided for myself what sort of relationship would be acceptable to me (one leading to marriage), and refused to accept anything but that. There's always an element of luck/fate/destiny/mystery to these things, but I believe if you're clear on what you want for yourself, it has a way of finding you.

[Avalon772]

I haven't known him long at all....only three weeks as of today, actually. Seems like longer, though.

 

I've been telling myself that attraction certainly isn't everything, and that over time, other things gain prominence -- intelligence, kindness, etc. But I feel that I MUST be honest with him because I don't think I can handle another "mouth assault." Really, I don't think I can take that anymore. So, if I want to be the open, honest, communicative, non game-playing person who is completely UNskilled at pretending, I simply have to tell him what's on my mind. Crap....

[DN]

I haven't known him long at all....only three weeks as of today, actually. Seems like longer, though.

 

I've been telling myself that attraction certainly isn't everything, and that over time, other things gain prominence -- intelligence, kindness, etc. But I feel that I MUST be honest with him because I don't think I can handle another "mouth assault." Really, I don't think I can take that anymore. So, if I want to be the open, honest, communicative, non game-playing person who is completely UNskilled at pretending, I simply have to tell him what's on my mind. Crap....

 

Yes, you do, if for no other reason that to do otherwise is not fair to him.

[confusedgrl23]

I disagree with the other poster, do NOT tell him that you are just not attracted to him, thats mean and cruel!

 

If you dont think you can get over it, why not simply just tell him that you dont think you guys have chemistry or that you just want to stay friends.

 

If you tell him that you cant be with him due to you being not attracted to him, not only will that make you seem VERY superficial but its just not worth hurting his feelings for.

[Derek]

If the dude is so open and honest and such a good communicator,

surely he could handle you saying that you think he could kiss better.

 

Make a joke of it a little,

Put on a baseball cap and a whistle, and tell the guy you are going to become his make-out Coach. You want to take him to the next level and he needs to practice with you until you are satisfied. =)

 

Why can't you have the courage to be direct about it and let him have a chance to step up to the plate. You are going to throw all the good stuff away just to spare his hurt feelings? I am sure he'd be happy to be a little hurt now to turn around and be much improved in making you happy.

I think being direct shows you are confident, respect him and trust him enough to be honest. He'd appreciate that more than platitudes like "you are such a nice guy, let's just be friends, it's not you, it's me..."

 

But if the "kissing" thing is just an excuse for an overall general feeling of not being attracted. Well, chemistry takes two and I guess your side is just not that into him. Best to move on.

 

 

[lunatic]

I was in a position like yours with my ex. I never felt the "spark" for a lack of better words. I loved her for the person who she is/was. Well let me tell you that in the long run I think I would have had one hell of a friend. Now that we broke up I think about what I did to her (wasting her time and lying to her about how I never felt IT between us). I fell like a royal piece of crap!

 

If your not feeling it then you have to be honest with him and let him know that you think being friends would be better for you now. If you want to sugar coat it then tell him your not ready to get committed again right now. You need to have some space to figure out who you are again.

 

I miss her dearly now and I do regret what transpired between us. Hey there is nothing I can do about it now and I have to live with the knowledge of how I hurt her so much.

 

It is your decision but, I would not recommend waiting a year before you tell him that you do not feel it between you two.

[Naya]

The dating scene definitely gets more difficult in your 30's-I'm 36. Attraction can develop over time the more you get to know a person-I think you need to figure out what is important to you in a relationship, but I don't think you should settle for less!

[Neko78]

Wow, I totally know how you feel!! I have dated a couple guys like this; they seem perfect, but you just don't feel that special something. In my experience, if you're not attracted to someone that you're dating, that feeling will never come. Don't panic about your age, please, and don't settle for something that you just don't feel- I honestly believe that you need to be attracted to someone to be with them. Them being really nice, funny, attractive...etc won't cut it. Just because someone is attracted and infatuated with you, doesn't mean you have to feel the same way. I believe you should wait till you feel it too....

[Shidoshi]

All I can say is do him a favor and not string him along, that's going to cause a hell of a lot more pain then being up front with him now. If he's the great guy you've described he'll get over it quickly. Part of me thinks he's probably a little too accomodating for you, maybe he's a bit too nice. Just a thought.

[Mjane]

Don't tell him you aren't attracted to him. Always break up with kindness. Just say you don't think you two are a good match.

I broke up with a guy this week for this very reason. He was smart, kind, sweet. But I was not attracted to him. And after a few dates, I just couldn't muster any feelings.

But I do wonder how much chemistry is the right amount??

The most chemistry I've ever felt, or almost, was in June when I was dating this guy who... I just loved being with him... talking. flirting.. whatever. even cruising the bookstore. we had a blast. he decided he couldn't date me anymore and gave me lame reasons why. I was very hurt. Ever since I've been saying to myself.. chemistry is overrated.. chemistry is overrated...

I mean he and I had great chemistry but he was willing to let that slide by because of his hangups.