Keeping it at that level in a "break"

[confusedashell]

so my wife wants a break. to live her own life for awhile. I am getting to terms that that is pretty much that though. But I am wondering how do you keep things from just falling down to the level of friends. without constant "i love yous" and just acting like a typical person who has been left. Things that could be done??

[fIIsion]

I can relate to your situtation, although I was not married to my ex, I had the change of feelings excuse given as a reason for the break-up.

 

Going through the stage at the moment of wanting to be just friends.

I can understand your concern that if you go along with friendship, that her feelings will never be anything more.

 

To be honest there is nothing you can do to change her feelings, whether you decide to be just friends, or contiune to tell her how much you love her. All I can suggest is that you try to be strong, concentrate on yourself, look confident that you can survive without your wife ( very hard but she decided to leave you, to be by herself). Maintain limited contact.

 

I'm not an expert on these things but sounds to me like she is asking for space/freedom, give it to her, she may not like it in the end.

[confusedashell]

Thanks for the reply! Its difficult to just let it all go and have no influence over it all. I suggested so many things to give her the space she wants while us still staying together. But I dont think she even wants that. I'm pretty sure its over and start to accept it and then she says something like "if i want a relationship in the future, I hope it will be with you" or she says something like "you're the love of my life". I get so confused that I almost want to scream. But I just say "ok".

 

I DO understand her though. We did get married and have a child young and we did almost shut everyone else out and spent all our time together excluesively. Then six months ago I got a bad depression that just dragged us down. So I understand that she is maybe feeling that all this is too hard at this age, that life shouldnt be like that. I guess in some ways she wants to see is the grass really greenier on the other side. I cant do anything but let her go. If she finds someone else and ends up with them, well then, as much as it would kill me inside, I would just want her to be happy. Its just difficult to drop all this INCASE there is like she said "a really good chance" we will get back together later. But on the other hand, I dont want my life to be in limbo, I need to get over this and start to do that right now if this is fully over.

[fIIsion]

letting go is one of the most difficult things to do when you love someone so much, but in the end that is all you can do.

 

As I'm starting to realise, we cannot control the lives of the one's we share our life with, we can only control ourselves.

 

It is frustrating, my ex would always tell me that she loved me so much and could not imagine being with anyone else, that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Now she tells me she is no longer in love and wants to live her life without me.

We have to put faith in ourselves that we did as much as possible to show them our love, if that is not enough, then they must experience what else life has to offer (hence if the grass is greener). They will either find that the grass is not greener, or we find someone else more worthy of our love.

 

You went through depression, but if the love of your wife was stronger, she would have been there to support you through it.

Maybe circumstances have taken its toll on her and she wants space to herself, perhaps she thinks that relationships shouldn't be this much hard work and wants freedom to enjoy herself.

I find this attitude selfish, all relationships are hard work, require work and committment to make them last.

 

All I can say, if you really love this woman, give her time, how much time depends on you, your main focus should be on you.

[confusedashell]

Like your ex my wife told me and infact up til a month ago actually swore on our sons life that we would always be together and shed always want to be with me. I dont like to "swear" anything, and esp on my sons life, so now I just wonder if that wasnt true then how much else did I let myself believe? I know you cant always say what will happen but i think you can always have a pretty good idea of what you feel, and if five weeks ago you have NO intention of leaving, I dont see how you can walk away from a fmaily and marriage in such a short time.

 

You are totally right: she should have been there through that depression with me. That is made me alittle bitter, that I needed her then more than ever but she just lashed out at me or cried alone. I wasnt easy to live with, i was angry, down, couldnt relax, but i really think that she should have seen that that was NOT me, that was NOT the person she fell in love with. And seen it for what it was. I find it hard to accept that her love was THAT weak for me. She says I made her so sad, hurt her so much with words, made her feel like she had to do everything. But why couldnt she have seen that I was in need of help. I even said a few times that I wanted to get some help, but she never presued it. When you're depressed you have real low self esteem, self pity, you cant reach out that easily and ask for help. someone has to MAKE you. I would have thought that person would have been her.

 

We can just let them go and see what happens. I dont plan on meeting a new girl soon or even having sex. i just nned sometime to get over this and focus on myself and my son. I'm not going to wait around for her, I just cant do that. If she wants to come back to me and I havent found anyone then yes, i think i would want to fix it all. But in all honesty with myself, I know that she wont come back. That is that. I wish she'd just say it.

 

You said excatly what I've been trying to tell her: that marriages and serious relationships are work, not something you take off the shelf when you want to play with it and then ignore it. that all our problems are a simple matter of spening more time together. but shes not interested and doesnt feel in love with me anymore. I brought my 50% to the table, I just needed her to bring hers. I would have shown her this depression is at the end, i'm on top of it. But it hurts she just doesnt even want to try. I lost my family, the chance of a daily life with my son. That hurts the most.

[DN]

Why have you lost daily life with your son? Are you letting her leave and take your son with her without asking the courts for at least joint custody?

[confusedashell]

No, but we are from different countries and alone here I would find it a great finacial strain to strive. That is what (besides the depression) has caused all of our worry and stress and arguments over the last two years. She brings home some money but both my jobs are unstable at best. So i would most likely have to move home to the UK. I asked her to move her studies to the UK so we could live closely to eachother and that way both enjoy a life with our child regardless of wheather we are together or not. Infact I think had we moved to the Uk then our relationship would never have gotten like this. but thats besides the point.

 

She is very concerned about moving. She is worried about her studies. Other than that she has no reason to stay here she says. I told her id of course help her in any way possible since its in my interest as much as hers that she settles in easily. I moved here for her studies so I really feel like this is something she should do for me. Shes not interested to fix our problems and knows that I would have to go home. She had some insane idea that we take him every two months, me in the UK and her here. I dont believe a child that young (4) should be tossed around so much, he needs a base. And well, sooner or later that would have to stop due to school and the massive cost of it too. Eventually one of us (i.e. me) would end up losing out.

[fIIsion]

At this point in time, it would be futile to try and convice your wife that you have changed, or tell her how much you love her, etc.

 

I realise its frustrating as you believe she has not made enough effort to salvage the relationship.

 

When you were depressed, although that was not the real you, she probably did not understand the situation enough to give you the support you needed. She felt hurt by your actions and as a means of protecting herself, became more withdrawn from the relationship.

 

What is needed here is time, time to heal. If you focus on yourself, try to be at peace with yourself, she will notice the changes.

She says that you are the love of her life and would want a relationship with you, thats more than I've been told.

If you don't mind me asking, how old is your wife and did she have many relationships before marring you?

[confusedashell]

You know all today I've been just trying to see what happened. I dont know if I have found the answers but you really said something that made me think "that sounds about right". That durning the time I was depressed she just took 100 steps back from this relationship and closed off her heart to me as a means of protecting herself. As much as it hurts that she didnt see it for what it was, I can understand that.

 

My wife is 27, the same age as me. Yes she had relationships before me, we both had. Personality wise, and everything else we got on fine. We've always been able to "hang out" and talk has alway sbeen fine too. Its just been the strain of moving here that has been hard on us, lack of money and the illusion of an uncertain future economally. It especially had an effect on me. I also think that once she did start to study that maybe we grew apart, or maybe she grew in a different way and maybe wasnt interested in me any longer. I dont know. Been thinking about that today. But she said so many things that dont make me feel that is true. It still nags at me.

 

yes, she said I was the love of her life, we're soulmates and we fit so good together..but she also said we'd be together forever about four weeks ago when we were planning on buying a new apartment..so who knows how much water all that holds! hah

[fIIsion]

It can really mess with your head trying to find out what went wrong, what her words mean, etc.

 

Take it from me, I have thought of little else for 3 months.

What she says does not always mean what she thinks........women!

Actions speak louder than words, whatever her reasons, she decided to leave and be by herself.

 

Time is the key here, in time you may begin to understand more clearly what happened when your emotions are not so high, or your wife may return and provide some of the answers.

She may not even fully understand herself why she wanted to leave, its just there was a greater desire to leave you than to be with you.

 

That may be the deciding factor whether or not you want to get back with her.

 

My ex decided all by herself that just becasue the feeling of being in love was no longer there (but could of returned if there was better communication/effort made), she wanted out, didn't want to work things out, didn't want to fight for the relationship, you have to ask yourself if this is a woman you want to spend the rest of your life with.

[confusedashell]

Well mate, I hear everything you say and actually makes me feel a lot more...I guess independent. So thanks for the advice!!

 

Well i just spoke to her again. Like I said, she is away with our son visiting her mother since wednesday and since then she has called twice a day. Really odd since she says she wants out of it. Anyway, usually long calls, first we just talk the normal stuff, about what we've been doing but usually it gets onto all this. Today she called and was a little werid and I said "are you ok? seem kinda upset?"..she says shes ok. asks how I'm doing and I said, I was much better today..went out for some beers yesterday, ate a good lunch today..and well we start to talk about our situation. I told her what you said, that I understand that she took so many steps back from this to protect herself durning my depression and that I think it was perfectly natural since she couldnt see it for what it was.

 

Well long story short, she is calling me cutie all the time, laughing and being like her normal self. She says that just really NEEDS to live alone for awhile but she does not want a divorce. She said she doesnt know what will happen in the future, I could meet someone else but she says she feels like there is a 70% chance we get back together. Says she cant really imagine sex with anyone but me or growing old with anyone but me. She says she is not interested in a relationship now. shes not interested in men period. she needs to focus on her. all that stuff. As much as I understand this need of hers to live alone (ahe has went on about this since we got together), I dont wonder anymore why I am so confused. She says and acts in so many levels that I cant keep track of. It hurts but I dont want to push anything or get upset with her. I just say "ok". She comes home tomorrow and I asked if she wanted me to go and meet her at the train station. She says in like this usual girlfriend "i want you to but i dont want you to come if you dont want to" tone that I should come if i want but that I dont have to and I said, well I'll come if you want me to be there and she said "well I dont want you to think I'm changing my mind" and I said I'm only asking if you want me to come andmeet you, not marry me again. and she says yeah please, come and meet me.

 

Women are like a mathematical problem.

 

It has totally made me question her though, liek you said, she and your ex bailed at the first sign of trouble. The time when we really needed to be a unit and sort this out. She is playing it smart, she is one foot out and one foot in. I think the most irritating factor here is that we have a child together and she knows I will go back to the UK. So she knows that this will effect him in more ways that it will effect either of us, but she is totally focused on herself. She says this coul be anything from 3 months, 6 months to a year, but she wants us to make plans for the next 6 months (with the child, not with us..that happens when it happens she says). I think this is the part, our son and his well being, that really starts to bother me.

[fIIsion]

It seems she is building a base for herself, focusing on her studies, perhaps career, maybe with a view to getting her own place.

 

Sounds to me that she is worried of going back into the relationship, of getting hurt again, so wants a solid foundation to fall back onto.

Funny enough, my ex is doing the same thing, she wants to focus on her career and buy a house.

 

She seems to be enjoying all the control, telling you that there is a 70% chance of getting back together (how do you work out such a figure), she thinks all you can think about is getting back together and she has the power to decide when and if that happens.

 

Granted that you where under depression, but you are not at fault here, you want to work things out, she doesn't and yet she gives you all this crap about your the only man she wants to sleep with and grow old with, yet wants to wait upto a year to re-connect.

She is in a very nice position, can enjoy her freedom and still have you dangled on a piece of string.

[confusedashell]

Yup, I know. Its almost unbelievable. If it wasnt for the child here I would have already told her "see ya", but if there is a chance that we can stay together and our son grow up with us together then I'm all for it. I've already started to make some plans to go home. Thats happening, either if she comes home tomorrow and says she wants to stay together. I'm not sitting around here forever and waiting for the next time this happens and I'm just too old to move home and start picking up my life. This could either break us or we get together and we're stronger. There will be no in between.

 

I have told her that it all depends how we have this "break". If we are considered split up in it and she can just do whatever she wants (i.e sleeps around), then its just over. end of story. If she is doing this because really has some problems then fine. I know she does have problems, I know that because I hurt her so much she has a real big fear of always making the wrong move, she always thinks people are uposet with her, she says she is nervous coming home incase I'm down and angry and she says she needs to sort these out. I todl her just let me show you. We were together SIX years and there has been at TOPS 8 months like that...until this we had a pretty good relationship I thought and obviously so did she. Its hard for me to understand how she can act like this..its so selfish. Saying I'm going to stay with my mother or brother for a few weeks - fine. But "we need a break, you go home, I'll let you know if and when I want us to get back together" is f.ucking just bad manners. esp from the women who says we're soulmates!

 

I dont think she is being hurtful on purpose, i think she is just trying to be brutally honest with me, no matter how confusing it all is. But i just wish she could see what shes doing to me and our family. Once I go home, after a period of a few months, I just wont be able to and nor will I want to pick up everything and leave again.

[fIIsion]

Me and the ex were together for 6 years, funny enough it was about in the last 8 to 10 months that things started to change.

The changes were mainly for her, she lost weight, travelled and started her own business (which failed) then out of the blue, I'm no longer in love with you, I want to break up.

 

She didn't want to talk about it, to try again (she felt that things could never be the way they were), she even had the cheek to tell me not to think after some period of time that we will get back together, as we might not.

 

Since then she has still told me that she still can't see us getting back together in the foreseeable future ( this is a person that lives her life day by day), wants to remain friends, and yet now is too emotional to see me as a friend.

 

Sometimes I wish I was able to get inside her mind, but the thought of it scares me to the bone.

In the long run since you have a child, I can see why you would want to wait this out, but you need to protect yourself from the possiblity that she enjoys her freedom more than wanting to get back together with you.

[confusedashell]

mate, I think both of us have the same missus haha..

 

did your ex meet someone else or? You never got a valid reason why its over? just the 'ol "love you but not in love with you" one?

 

About enjoying her freedom. I know she will. Theres almost no doubt about it. If she goes two or three months by herself, then that is pretty much the end of it all. Because I think after that period you do start to get used to the idea that you're not together anymore. In fact, the more I sit back and take stock of it all, I know this is over. It just guts me that she threw all this away, all our hard work over here to get her the studies, all the effort we put into this apartment, our relationship and our family and our common future that we were so recently planning all down the drain for really something so so simple. She is like you ex and one of her reasons for this is that she says I cant live day for day, that i stress for things in five years. Sorry love, but I like to have some kind of plan and goal to work to so I dont get any nasty surprises.

 

The thing is I dont think she FULLY realises just how much TROUBLE this will all cause later on. last year I went home for three months. i was basically sick of living here and got offered a project job at home for good money so I took it. i took my son for the second month and a half. I still have all those mails she sent me and remember those calls she would make about how lonely she was, how bored she was. How much she missed me and the whole "family" thing. In fact she was more than happy for me to come home earlier than I was planning to. I actually thought this will be a good thing "get away from all the stress and she can have three months all on her own too".

 

Has she figured out what will happen in lets say..worst case, a years time and she either meets someone else or decides she doesnt want to get back together, or hell, even if she does..whats going to happen? will she move to the UK then? I would highly doubt that. What will happen with our son? what will we do? I just feel like she has to have a SERIOUS think about ALL the ramifactions of this before she actually does it.

[fIIsion]

She never met anyone else ( so far as she's told me), never really got any proper reasons, just a load of b/s about me not giving her enough attention, not doing things with her, me sleeping too much???, I work full-time and sometimes like to chill out on my days off, while she only worked part-time.

 

I don't think she has properly thought this through, she does'nt understand that the feeling of being in love dimishes somewhat in a relationship, she wants romance, flowers, a knight in shinning armour to come and sweep her of her feet, but what happens when the lust stage finishes, when the new bloke starts picking his nose and going out with his mates.

 

Women like this need to go out and experience first-hand what real-life is about, there are plenty of men out there who would not take her crap or care for her as I have done.

 

Its poor sods like ourselves left behind scratching our heads, wondering what the hell happened.

[confusedashell]

In a lot of ways thats pretty much the excate same situation I'm in. She said that I didnt show her I loved her. In fact when this all started she said "i dont know why you mind..you dont love me anyway, you dont even want to be with me!" and I was like "whaaat? where did that come from?". She constantly thinks I'm p.issed off with her, for no reason. like yesterday after we spoke, the phone rings 2mins later and she asks if I'm angry with her, shes real upset and sad. I said "why the hell would I be angry??".

 

Again, same thing. She feels like your missus, that it should be flowers and chocolates everyday. I tired explaining thats just NOT how it is and that any reason the spark is gone is easily fixable with us spending sometime together. I said we should go to Paris or Vienna for a weekend soon, since shes a big maths and science freak there would be lots for her to see in both places. She said it might feel werid with all this going on. ok, well what can I do? i told her ALL she had/has to do is TALK to me, TELL me instead of going to the bathroom, turning on the tap and crying and coming out like everything is rosey. I'm not a mind reader and hey, I'm a man, I cant read those tiny subtle signals you send, there isnt a straight man ALIVE that can do that.

 

hah, nice words

but what happens when the lust stage finishes, when the new bloke starts picking his nose and going out with his mates.

 

If my wife gets together with someone else, I'm sure she'll think "wow! THIS is what I wanted! I was right to finish the marriage!" and after a year it'll be "later!" to that guy too. I just think she needs to grow the hell up in some ways. You know what one of her excuses was for her unhappiness, nothing related to my depression: "me and my friend want to take a last minute trip somewhere..but i cant do that!" I was stunned. "Why cant you??" "because you'll get annoyed" and I told her the way it was: "I aint stopping you from going away, the money is!" Had we stayed in the UK like I wanted, we'd be fincially set by now, stable. She wouldnt have to worry about that. But she wanted to study here so we moved and we did all this for her studies. Any guy I know was telling me "f.uck her and move on...she's too much trouble". They were right. I expected a little fight from her, not even that after all I/We gave up for this. Instead shes neither in nor out.

 

She is back tomorrow. I dont think I'll get into anything tomorrow night with her, will wait until tuesday night after she gets back from work and ease into this. Havent had her face to face since this started.

 

men might need to understand that women need constant reassurances (god forbid though we turn into some wussy will we do it and then we're "too nice and needy") but women need to realise that we aren't that deep, we NEED to be TOLD how things are. If something is wrong it needs to be SAID. Straight out, no mixed signals, just say it like it is.

[fIIsion]

you said it, we need to be told, not nagged at or vague requests.

I also believe that my ex is somewhat immature, thinks everything should be perfect.

She once told me that she feels that we are more like friends than lovers,

my response was that friendship was the basis for a long lasting relationship, if you want a lover, then have an affair, see how long that lasts.

 

It all comes down to mis-communication, my ex expected me to understand her needs by simply reading her mind.

What really bugs me is that, when she started to withdraw emotionally from the relationship, she was unable to tell me what she was feeling, she didn't offer to try and change anything, its like she had already made up her mind and was simply going the motions until she could have the guts to tell me it was over.

[confusedashell]

I know excatly what you mean.

 

The problem is, we love them and cant help it. The fact that things go sour and they gave up without so much as a fight makes it a lot harder to move on. Hell with my missus is saying is almost like some kind of torture that she sees as payback for the last six months. She could very easily just say to me, things are bad, we need to fix things, we need to try, you need to do this, I need to do that, we need to do this. And you know what, I know everything would be fine. The foundations are rock solid. Just a few shaky walls. If it was just me and her then this would be simple. I love her and all, but I would find it a lot harder to go along with this without saying "ok, enough is enough..I'm here, I'm here to fix things, I want to fix things, I know it can be fixed, are you in or out?". But there is a lot at steak right now, with our son. Even if we were from the same country or living in the same place it'd be easier. She doesnt even seem to realise what all this is going to mean.

 

Do you think you and your missus will get back together? do you still see eachother much? Had any real talks??

[confusedashell]

she also said that she didnt want a divorce. I asked her that today. straight out "do you want a divorce? I can get the papers tomorrow and we can have it sorted by wednesday." and she said "well no, its only a piece of paper..." I said what?? well its not to me and she goes "no lets not. if we get back together later then it just saves a lot of hassle". That f.ucking hurt (sorry about the words, I just annoyed). Her parents split up when she was four. Her father was constantly cheating on her mother and she left him. Her mothers has lived alone since (although is having an "affair" with a married man for the last 10 years or so) and the father is with some woman he works with. I really think her total attaitude comes from all this. Like none of it matters. Funnily enough, her mother does want us to stay together. I expected she wouldnt even say a word on this. pleasantly surprised!

[fIIsion]

We have seen each other a few times since the break up, every time I tried to talk to her, she would clam up and complain that I'm putting here under pressure.

 

So I backed off, she even admits that she has a barrier around her.

Fot the time being she won't see me because she feels too emotional, emotional about what? she decided to break-up, she wanted to be friends, she has told me that we won't be getting back together in the future, her mind seems made up. She calls to arrange to go out, then cancels because she is feeling low.

 

She talks about making plans for the future and admits that she'll probably won't find anybody as good as me..........???

[fIIsion]

We have seen each other a few times since the break up, every time I tried to talk to her, she would clam up and complain that I'm putting here under pressure.

 

So I backed off, she even admits that she has a barrier around her.

Fot the time being she won't see me because she feels too emotional, emotional about what? she decided to break-up, she wanted to be friends, she has told me that we won't be getting back together in the future, her mind seems made up. She calls to arrange to go out, then cancels because she is feeling low.

 

She talks about making plans for the future and admits that she'll probably won't find anybody as good as me..........???

[confusedashell]

sounds very strange alright. And shes got no one else? Doesnt seem like shes fully out of the picture then?? Might be worth giving it a go and putting yourself on the line asking if you can start to just go out, nothing serious, just a few dinner&movie kind of things. If theres nothing there, then ok, you can move on, but if there is then you know? Maybe that could work? Of course she has to want to come along..of course I dont know the whole situation but sounds like she would after a few attempts? dont need to lose any dignity over it.

 

I suggested something similar to my wife. I just get the feeling she is not out yet. She called again tonight and well I asked her if my son misses me and she said yeah. I just said it out of habit and asked her if she missed me and she said yeah she did. so maybe there is hope. But she is still adament that we live apart. After she gets back tomorrow I'll leave it all alone but on tuesday evening we have to sit down and sort this out once and for all. In some sense I'm scared to death of what could happen in this if she doesnt think along the lines I hope she will. That we stay together as a married couple and she still has her break (to be honest I dont mind having a few months at home), but we're NOT available to sleep around. And we set somekind of time limit on this. She'll probably saying I'm forcing her to do something and thats excatly why she wants it, but she has got to be fair on this. I think i'm being EXCEPTIONALLY understanding considering the circumstances. Will she how she reacts. Got any ideas how to handle that talk??

[fIIsion]

The problem is that if you agree that she can go off and live by herself then tell her not to sleep around (reasonable request), she may think that you are questioning her trust.

 

At the end of the day she could agree not to sleep around but still do, how would you know?

 

The question is why does she feel the need to live by herself in the first place, what does she hope to achieve.

 

For the sake of your son, perhaps just let her go without any pressure, almost if you agree to her wishes.

 

As for my ex, I would love to take her out, but as she is calling all the shots, it seems that I have to wait for her to call, she may find that I'm not going to be so available.

[confusedashell]

Thats the problem alright. That she will say that is why she wants to do it. To live life without having to worry about someone else. Still, I think if she means half of what she is saying then she should show me some respect. Well if she doesnt tell me she is cheating then I do believe her. She has always been upfront about things. It may not sound like it haha. But she has. She hasnt ever cheated on me. I know she did cheat on one earlier bf and owned up after a day or two. That is one of the reasons she is afraid of this relationship. According to her, until a few weeks ago she never used look at another man and think about how attractibe he was. She says she could see who was attractive and that was it. She says now she is worried if she does want to do something. That makes no sense to me. Either you want to have sex with other men or you dont. I know what women are attractive and I guess i sometimes would think "yup, if i wasnt with someone then sure", but I wouldnt even get CLOSE to doing ANYTHING with a women while I have my wife. I'm TOTALLY satisifed with her. Guess that says something about her satisfaction with me eh?

 

About her living alone. Well I have asked. The reply I got is a little shakey but its something like this: Shes always needed it. Yes she has mentioned it a few times over the last six or so years that she wished she had had that time to live alone without a relationship. But I thought either she had grown out of that or else those 3 months I was in the UK was enough. Obviously I was wrong. She says that the way I've been the last six months gave her terrible self esteem issues (doesnt look that way to me), shes she has problems thinking she is always doing wrong and that she always feels nervous around me that I was snap and get angry over something. Like I said, she spent our last money on a night out recently and I didnt bat an eye lid. She said she didnt realise she spent that much, i accepted it and told her I didnt get paid until the monday (this was friday). Ok, when I was in my deepest depression I was VERY irritable and lashed out, not always at her but myself too. She knows I am getting on top of my depression the last four weeks, so I dont know. Guess she has some trust issue with me. She says shes uncertain of her feelings for me too after all that. So she needs to evulate it all. Valid reasons for not being pleased with me, but for breaking up our family and us? I dont think so. We just need to talk and be more supportive of one another. She needs to see that I wasnt well (she understands that now I think - finally) and I need to show her how much I love her and want to be with her. Yeah for the family sake and especially our child, I have no real choice but to go along with this if I want to fix it. I think she knows how I feel about the whole thing. But shes determined to do it anyway. In all honesty, I think its just the end of our relationship. Maybe later she will want to get back together, but that will be tough to do. I wont just up root everything again to move back to her. I did that once and stayed like that for 4 years. I need to take care of my life too. The only way would be for her to move to me and that would take almost a miracle for her to do. She is in control. Maybe always has been. She knows what she wants and that is her studies. No one will come between that. When we were pregnant with our son she was 10 hours away from aborting because she was scared about her studies. She changed her mind the last minute and made me promise that it wouldnt get in the way of that. I told her that if we worked for it together it wouldnt have to. Well, I feel like the only one who made the move that matters was me. She just gained, in almost everyway poissible.

 

How would your ex act if she found out you were seeing someone else? Could it just make her think "well, ok..thats that" or would she see what she is missing more clearly and made make her mind up??