Keeping it at that level in a "break"

[fIIsion]

I think if my ex saw, or heard about me with another woman, she would outwardly seem not to bothered, but of course it would bother her, I don't think it would make her want to come back to me, as I feel she would think I've betrayed her and confirmed my apparant lack of love towards her.

 

To be honest I think it would be a long time until I could even think of being with anyone else and I still cling to some hope that we may be able to work things out..........the fool that I am.

 

In regards to your situation, it seems like maybe your wife wasn't ready for marriage, she wants this time to recapture her single life before deciding whether she enjoys it more or is ready to commit to you.

The fact that she does not want to divorce indicates that she doesn't want to burn her bridges.......its very selfish, Its going to be a very tough time for you to have to wait for her, she must realise that it maybe possible in this time apart, that you may in deed fall out of love with her.

[confusedashell]

heh you know, we we got engaged we set a date and when it got close to that I told her that maybe we should take sometime to make certain this is what we want. She took it badly and said that she was postive. The thing is and what she seems to forget now is that if she does this life doesnt get easier for her. Sure she wont have to worry about having to do dishes for an extra person, or worry that I'm going to make a mess around the apartment, that I havent cleaned, or she wont have to worry that we'll get into an argument. BUT she is going to have full time study at university and she studies Physics and Chemistry. That is a LOT of work, she will have to run a home and take care of a child alone when she has him. Like I said, her parents are divorced and dont get on at all. They both live far enough way and both work full time jobs. They dont and wont be able to help as much as she will need. She says they will and I'm sure for the first two months they will, but they have lives of their own too. Sooner or later they wont be there too much. So sooner or later she will either get someone else or run back to me, both for the wrong reasons. She isnt a weak person, she isnt a bad person, but that is a LOT of work for one person to handle. I dont think its about going out and having fun, but more not having to deal with everything a relationship is, the work of it.

 

yeah I've already thought about it like you said. I'm not sure if I will fall out of love with her, but I think I could get used to not having her around and will it will be tough to move back up here again (if that was the case) with all whats happening now in the back of my mind. I wont be able to fully trust her.

 

mate, I hear you. I feel the same. That by getting another woman, not matter how trival I might consider it, and even if I thought "my marriage is dead, time to move on", I think that i would feel like that is the final nail in the coffin for her. Who knows. Maybe shed be happy about it. I just dont know where we stand now. I really dont want another woman, regardless of what happens with us, for sometime. I just want to focus on me and my son.

 

We're two hopeless cases mate!

[fIIsion]

How are you feeling today?

[confusedashell]

Not sure really. She gets home tonight so I guess this is either the make or break. When she called yesterday and I asked if she wanted me to come and meet her she said thatd shed call me tomorrow with the time she'd be in since she didnt know excatly. Well, she didnt call so I called her mother at the summer place and she said out son had gotten sick, they couldnt get a taxi so it was a mad rush at the end and she probably just didnt have time to call. I thought to myself that is really odd that she wouldnt have called me, she always would. She doesnt have a mobile so...

 

So I figured I wouldnt go in. But an hour later she called me from the station and told me what time she'd be coming in and I asked if she really wanted me to come and meet her and she said yes. So I will. Its been 6 days now since we seen eachother and since she talked about this. So I'm making a last effort to show her that I was and still am in love with her and that I am trying to fix things. I made her a card with some nice words, got her some bubble bath things, candles all over the bathroom, a big bunch of flowers. Maybe its totally stupid but I just have to try. I guess I'm hoping she comes, sees me and sees how much I love her and just forgets all the s.hit thats been happening. If this doesnt work, I cant do anymore. Well if she is still steadfast into us finishing. I just dont understand why, if she wants out, she would have called me twice a day since she left. There isnt any reason (except one day) for her to call me. Had the shoe been on the other foot, I wouldnt have called her. I would have tried to make her see that I was breaking that. I may have called her once or twice to see how she was doing, but I wouldnt have called that much. She ended the call today with I love you. Who knows what the hell that means.

 

The very odd thing is that her mother hasnt even brought any of this up! Nothing! I spoke to her twice and both times we spoke about her daughter and me as normal and our son. Today we spoke for a good 15mins and she didnt mention it once. I find that REALLY odd. When i said to my mother that we were probably finishing she did bring it up the next time she called and spoke to my missus. I think thats natural: my daughters marriage is finishing, they have a child, I should say something. I dont know. I guess I just dont know how she really feels or where I stand. Maybe I have a hard time accepting that this is over and am reading too much into her words and actions, I dont know. But I told her that I dont like toact like this and its got to stop. She told me that if I stopped theres no way in hell we would fix this. WTF?

Before she left I was a little joking saying it'll be nice to have some parties while I'm alone and she said yeah you'll probably get some girl and I said, yup, probably. Joking of course. She said "then its really over!". WTF x2!! She told me when she was finishing that she doesnt think the thought of me with another woman bothers her too much. I dont know what to make of that. I dont think thats just something you say. But the week before she came to my job (at a pub) and I was talking to come girl and she came in a kissed me big time. That girl just looked and walked away pretty fast.

 

Who knows mate. If all this is true, she turned off everything that she had for me the last six years within the space of a few weeks. Go figure!

 

In some sense I'm starting to just get used to the idea that we are finished. Who knows, she maybe just really not IN love with me anymore. Not attracted to me anymore. She changed in some way, her likes/dislikes and what she wants from a man has maybe changed. She maybe was satisifed with me and now she just has other ideas about what is attrractive in a man. I dont know. These are all the things running around in my head and they're just hard cold facts. People change, grow, evolve. Cant blame them for that, but I can blame her for not ever trying to fix things. I dont think that your feelings, likes and dislikes change that much and fast in life. I see some of my exs now and again and I still think they are attaractive. My taste in women are always pretty much been the same. Most people I know are like that. But maybe shes different, she liked one type of men before and now likes another. I guess since we're both 27 the odds are stacked against us. I just in all honesty, cant see how things went like this. Problems yes, but problems enough for all this, no.

[fIIsion]

It may not have anything to do with physical attraction, more to do with her emotional needs.

She may believe that you do not fully meet her emotional demands, that perhaps someone else can.

 

like my ex, these women are very demanding, requiring constant attention, constant affection, you need to show them love all the time.

The problem is that they give very little in return, its their perception of love and when reality gets in the way (i.e work, money problems, children, etc) they believe the love is tainted.

 

Its a fairytale reality they live in, most men are able to show love but not all the time, in particular long term relationships, where things begin to slow down and the couples are more relaxed with each other.

 

The mistake I made was assuming that my ex loved me no matter what, just because I bought her flowers last month, that I must do every month.

 

I was a bit of a fool today, I sent her a text message saying that I still loved her and thought of her all the time, one of those implusive moments, she'll probably look at it and think I'm putting pressure on her, which is true to some extent, won't make that mistake again.

[fIIsion]

when she said that she does'nt think she'll be bothered by the thought of you with another woman, of course she will..........she's a woman, they are jealous creatures by nature, she doesn't want to show you that she's bothered.

 

If she thought it was really over, she would be filling for divorce.

[confusedashell]

With regards to your situation. I know its almost irrestable to grab the bull by the horns and just go for it. I feel like you do. I jus wonder how long is enough to put your/my life on hold for someone who may never ever come around. The problem is all the mixed signals. They dont say they want out, but they dont say they want in either. I think it was a good move to send that sms. She knows you're still there. I just dont understand what she's waiting for. Either she wants to be with you or not. It's been sometime now, surly she should have some at least respect for you to tell you "lets give it a go" or "I dont want to do this". Its totally unfair. I've been thinking of that in regard to my situation. How long would I sit on the sidelines waiting for her. In all honesty I know I wont ever stop loving her, but after sometime I would just start to move on. If we got back together later then great. she should understand that I couldnt sit alone doing nothing forever.

 

With my wife, the emotional is a BIG part of this, if not THE part. She says it didnt feel like I loved for a long time. Thats totally untrue but I dont think its reason to end with me. Just TELL me that you need me to pay more attention. I want to! I dont want to smother you either. Its hard to know what someone else is thinking unless they tell you. She thinks everytime I work I've cheated on her. She says it in a joking way but with a shaky voice. Somethings she is totally paranoid about!

 

About the divorce thing. Its something thats really bothering me when she said "its just a piece of paper". Is that what she thinks us being married is? Its hard to believe. Well like I said, i todl her that to me it wasnt just a piece of paper. The reply back to that was as indifferent as you could get: "nah, we shouldnt worry about that too much. it'll just mean a lot of hassle if we get back together".

 

unf'ingbelievable

[fIIsion]

The problem is in the way men and woman think. We see a problem and try to fix it by logic.

We respond by direct answers to questions, i.e do you want to be with me, yes or no. The problem with some women is that its not as simple as just saying yes or no, in fact they may say no but in fact want to say yes, etc.

 

With your wife and to some degree my ex, they have to feel the emotional connection, the right setting, the right time, everything has got to be perfect.

We have invested committment and emotional energy into the relationship, we may have made mistakes and mis-communicated, (who doesn't) but we loved them, cared for them and expect the same from them. Now that a major problem has occurred, we want to try and fix it by logical means, i.e talking about the problems, trying to find solutions.

 

They no longer feel the emotional connection, so talking about it will not change their perception, in fact its seen as un-romantic.

Its no use trying to be seductive as this will be seen as putting pressure on them to think differently, they need to feel in control of their own thoughts.

 

All we can do is just give them time/space......the occasional bit of contact to let them know we still care, etc and hope one day that their perception changes.

 

Its all a load of b......s.

There are better women out there who will not treat you or me like this, they will appreicate the love given, will want to fight for the relationship during the hard times, and give you so much love back in return during the good times.

[confusedashell]

The problem I have is how long to wait. Like I said, if it wasnt for the fact that 1. from different countries and most importantly 2. had a child together, this would be FAR easier to just walk away from. Maybe for her too, who knows. But we only have ONE life and I'm not getting younger so I cant wait forever. And I cant stay in somekind of limbo not knowing how she feels or if we will get back together. I just have to start moving forward, thinking of a future without her in it as my wife (will have to know her for the rest of my life regardless though) and get used to the idea that she will eventually meet someone else. However hard that is, its just the reality now. I cant waste my time being bitter or down about it. Sooner or later, like you said, we'll meet women who are putting in as much into a relationship as we are. That'll be great! I'm in no rush for this, but it will happen sooner or later.

 

I just have this horrible feeling that my wife will do all this and either sleep with someone or tell me later she doesnt want it. Then two years later everything has changed and we missed our chance or something. I guess I have the idea that once your married you do EVERYTHING to make it work and you divorce if one of you is in danger, cheated or just has ZERO feelings left. But that you dont just bail the first sign of trouble. She sees it another way. She has always being pretty self centred, esp when it comes to what she wants. I've always compromised with her so we BOTH get somewhere. Shes hardly ever done that for me.

[fIIsion]

Maybe you were not meant for one another, you seem to be on different wavelengths.

Or you are just both at different levels in the relationship and need time to get on the same level.........sound like a bloody pyscologist.

 

My honest advice, as tough as its going to be, do not think about the time you think you need to wait. Concentrate on yourself, what you need to do to improve yourself, concentrate on your son.

Let your wife go off and live by herself, perhaps the time apart may bring you back stronger.

If you do not think about the time as much, time will pass almost unnoticed, then one day you may wake up and feel completely different about everything. Even for your wife, although she claims she may need upto a year by herself, she may find in a couple of months that she thinks differently as well.

 

I know how difficult it is for you, you want to sort things out straight away, its not unreasonable, but you need to think more long-term, a year apart may mean bliss for the next 50 years.

[confusedashell]

Mate, she doesnt have a 'kin clue what she wants and neither do I. It seems now that she is almost OBSESSED with spending time alone. She says theres always someone around her, at work, her family, me, my son..someone. That she just wants to be able to sit in peace and quite and not deal with anything. She has her priorities all messed up.