I messed up and I want to repair it....

[spanisheyes]

I posted a couple of months ago that I had posted on an anonymous website just trying to get information to find out if my guy was still involved with his ex. In short, people started posting all kinds of nasty things about her but I did find out that they were no longer involved. I felt bad after I made that first post. I felt guilty but I just felt like I had to make sure.

 

Well it's now 2 months later and my guy found out. I wanted to tell him but I knew it would upset him. I didn't want to admit to him that there was still a part of me that didn't trust him. We are now "on a break". He says he was sad to see that this is how I really am. He won't talk with me about it, he doesn't really want to talk with me at all.

 

My intentions were good and if this girl wouldn't have kept popping up into our relationship, I wouldn't have felt so insecure about it. I have been so good to him. I can honestly say I have no regrets about the way I have treated him with this exception. He doesn't understand though.

 

What can I say or do to prove to him that I am sorry, that he doesn't have to worry about this typre of thing again and that I love him.

[jna35]

There's a saying about "good intentions." I think this is all a matter of trust and that takes time to rebuild. It seems as though he has hurt you in the past too, but I wouldn't push him on the issue. Give him some space to process everything.

[DN]

I scanned your previous posts back through last year. Your very first post and most of the subsequent ones all had to do with your insecurity and lack of trust of this guy - probably stemming from previous relationships.

 

Essentially, you never trusted him and took any tiny thing as a sign that he may have been cheating. This girl 'popping' into the relationship was only one thing. and now you have blown the relationship because of that lack of trust.

 

Unless you can convince him that you do trust him I don't hold out much hope for the long term chances of this relationship. And the only way you can possibly prove that to him is if you do trust.

 

This is much more about you than it is about him.

 

You need to let him know why you have trust issues, that you are sorry you let them sabotage the relationship, that you do love him enough to do something about your own issues.

 

Then see a counsellor to get yourself sorted out. Let your boyfriend know what you are doing and why. You need to do this for your own benefit anyway, but he may take you more seriously if you show him you are actually doing something - especially if you ask for his help and understanding.

[frustratedWithLife]

There's also a saying about if you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it's yours. Give him some space to think, if he comes back to you the bond should be that much stronger. If he doesn't come back to you, well, all I can say is I'm sorry but he might not have been THAT devoted to you in the first place.

[spanisheyes]

thanks everyone for your responses...

 

DN, that is truly great advice. He hasn't necessarily made it easy for me to trust him. He does things that look or sound suspicious to me all the time and although I know it's a lot about me, I wish he could take the steps to make it a little easier on me. Like I happened to find out the car that he had been driving for the last month or so actually belonged to this girl that I talked about. The truth is, it could have been pure and innocent- a friend helping a friend...but he lied to me. I understand why he did but that doesn't change the fact that he did lie.

 

I do love him enough to fix the problems I am having...I love myself enough to do that. I love him enough to be willing to set this all out on the table and make it work but at this point, he isn't willing. I really hope I am able to convince him to sit down and have another talk and for him to have an open mind.

 

Do you have an idea of the most effective way to communicate this to him? I felt like we had finally gotten to the place where all the BS was gone and we could enjoy ourselves. We were to the point where I'm sure we were both truly happy...and that's why I can't and won't just let this go.

[DN]

The absolute best way to manage a relationship is to talk - honestly, openly, without anger or recrimination. The purpose of the communication is not to vent your anger on your partner, to score points or to get your own way.

 

It to let your partner know what you are thinking and why. Why you feel as you do, What he can do to make you feel better.

 

Then you do the other important part. You listen to what he has to say. So that if he is acting in a way that sows the seeds of distrust he can either reassure you by changing what he does, or can explain why he does it and why you should not be scared by it.

 

If you can both get to a point where your primary purpose is to please each other, to do things for each other instead of to each other, you will be much further ahead.

 

Talk, listen, negotiate and compromise. In the spirit of making the relationship better.

 

Don't attack - ask.

Don't accuse - ask

Don't whine - explain.

Talk rationally not emotionally.

Don't use tears to get your own way.

Answer questions honestly.

Put yourself in the other person's shoes to try and understand their position.

Don't lose your temper- sure way to lose the point of the discussion.

Don't assume you know what your partner is thinking. Ask for clarification if unsure.

This is not a contest - the best negotiations are when both partners feel like they won - because the relationship won.

[spanisheyes]

I'm scared that we have past the point of no return. We talked the day before yesterday and all this emotion and anger came pouring out of me and I told him I was tired of waiting around for him to decide whether our relationship was worth saving or not. He said we needed to get together and so we met later in the day.

 

It wasn't a good meeting. I was under the impression we were meeting to discuss how we were going to end this as amicllaby as possible and I think he thought we were getting together to talk again. He was pleasant at first and then he asked me what I wanted to talk about and I started talking about him coming to pick up his things, etc. And after that, he got very defensive and standoffish.

 

I asked him to look me in the eye and tell me he wanted this to end. He said I was the one that made that choice and I asked him again to tell me he wanted it to end and he said yes, he did. I told him if he had a problem, we should talk it out and try to solve it- he countered that I certainly didn't do that when I went behind his back to get information. (Ouch) Then we talked for about an hour about how we both thought things were gonna be different for us. All the plans we made, all the promises we made. . It ended with him walking me to my car and I asked him not to do this, I would give him more time if he needed but he said he didn't know.

 

I just feel that he still wants me to keep trying and in his own way, he is to by agreeing to meet with me and such. I just don't know how much longer I can keep it up if I don't get anywhere. Isn't there a compromise I can suggest? A plan for us to get back on track? Maybe he'll give me a month to get started on sorting out some of my issues as suggested above.

 

I didn't talk to him at all yesterday and I don't plan on calling today but I'm thinking of calling him tomorrow afternoon and seeing if he would be willing to get together for breakfast on Saturday. I just don't know if he'll agree and if not, I don't know what else to do.

[DN]

When you ask him to talk - tell him first that you love hm, want him back and that you want to talk with him (not to him) about how to do that.

 

Be totally honest about what you want and feel and ask him to do the same.

 

Tell him you want to communicate with him in a new way - as I previously suggested.

[spanisheyes]

He called me Friday and we were talking about Random things at first and he said he was disappointed that he hadn't seen me. I asked him if I could take him to breakfast the next morning. He said he would like that. So the next morning I went over to his house and instead of going out, he made me breakfast. He kept being super affectionate with me and kept telling me how much he missed me. He kept trying to engage me in serious conversations about "where this was going" and stuff like that. I kept skirting the issue because I was having a good time just being with him like old times. I didn't want to upset the siutation and have a break down or anything. Finally towards the end of our day, he asked me again what were we going to do now. I told him I loved him and I couldn't just shut that off and be his friend and I'm not interested in casually dating him either. He said he didn't want either of those things but he wasn't ready to jump into the seriousness again.

 

I went out Sat night and I saw him drive by the club we were at 3 times. Then Sun morning, he sent me a text message and I didn't respond right away so he called me. We talked for a few minutes and then he said he would call me later. He ended up calling me about an hour later and asked me out to lunch. We went, we had a good time, we hugged we kissed, we acted like a couple. He said he wanted to go to the movies tomorrow and he would call me later.

 

I'm excited about seeing him again but I'm getting my hopes out that we are going to get back together and he said he's not ready to jump into the seriousness. He keeps telling me he misses me and he said that seeing me is a bad thing because it just makes him miss me more and want to see me more. (but he said he likes feeling that way)

 

I don't know what to do now. Keep going like we are? Press him for a commitment? Initiate NC? I love him but I don't want him to play with my emotions.

[DN]

Don't go no contact - it may drive him away.

Don't press for a commitment - it may drive him away.

 

I would go out with him. Act like you are first dating and getting to know one another again without any expectations. But tell him that is how you want to go on for now but that you don't want him to play with your emotions and get your heart broken again. See how that goes for a while and then you can move towards a full 'got back together' thing if all is well.

 

But also say that you won't see anybody else and that if he wants to see other people then that would be too hard for you and you will have to walk away.

[spanisheyes]

We hung out yesterday at my house. I had been up since 4:30 and he sice 3am so we were both exhausted. We decided to take a nap. It was so nice to lay there with him holding me. But when we woke up, things got a little heated and we ended up sleeping together. This is the second time since we have been "broken up".

 

At first I thought it was ok because we had been getting along so well and seemed to be making progress (in my opinion) towards getting back together. But after he left, I felt like crap. I had the overwhelming urge to call him and ask him if it meant anything to him and where this was going and all that stuff but luckily (or unluckily) he didn't answer so I just left a message that he had left his earring on my nightstand.

 

He said he would call me later but he didn't call last night. I feel kinda empty and a little scared. I don't want to digress. He kept calling me baby, "I'll call you later babe", "can I have a kiss baby"

 

Is this bad? Did I mess up again? Should I let on how insecure I'm feeling about this? What do I do now.....

[DN]

What you do now is wait until he calls and see what he says. But you really should not be sleeping with him - it clouds the issue and raises possibly false expectations.

 

Don't 'cut him off' without an explanation however, because he will think you are playing games orf being manipulative. So be honest: say that you love him and want him but you can't sleep with him unless you know that you are a couple because it is not just having sex for you - it means more than that emotionally to you, and you can't stand to have your heart broken.

 

Say it lovingly and appeal to his understanding. That way, he should realise that you are serious about wanting to make the relationship work, but in a way that you both need.