need advice regarding getting over cheating

[lillady898]

if he was happy with her he wouldnt want to spend time with me would he?

 

No. He's probably quite happy. Why? Because he gets to have both of you at the same time.

 

I think you know this by now, but are unwilling to admit it.

 

Love has you terribly blinded.

 

Nothing good is coming out of this "relationship." But noone here can change that. YOU need to decide that you have more self-worth than to go back to this cheater.

[suebob1]

i know you probably think i am stupid but i really do love him and i know i can do better than him but i dont want nyone else i have a lot of offers whilst being separated from him but i am not interested. i know he is lying to her as he isnt lying to me anymore and he knows i want more tha friendship out of this. what do you think he means by he has never said that he has stopped loving me? what is difference between loving someone and in love with someone?

everyone thinks he is trying to bulid the friendship slowly to try to work out what he wants, i know that at the end of the day he is still going back to her but i really think she is a stop gap,well if he is living with her as i have said before i am not 100% i have never had it confirmed! she is the one he is lying to now i know i am silly but i really do love him still.

[Hope75]

Sue,

 

you can love him and know that what he does is unacceptable and that it isn't right and it isn't fair.

 

Do you want to be in second place, and to share him with another woman?

 

If he lied to you and cheated on you, and now he is lying to her and cheating on her, do you think that makes him a good candidate for a boyfriend for anyone?

 

You are clearly not stupid, I believe you know this isn't right in your head, or you would not be asking us for our opinions. However, I think what you are really looking for here is for someone to validate that you are making the right choice, and I don't think anyone is going to do that until you walk away from him.

 

You are not making a smart choice. You are allowing yourself to be strung along by someone who betrayed your trust, lied to you and cheated on you in the past, and now is apparently doing that to his new girlfriend.

 

Do you honestly think he loves you if he is messing with both of you?

 

Do you think that is showing you respect and love?

[suebob1]

i unfortunatley think he does wnat to come back but he is scared i will go back to how i went which was to reject him which drve him away in the first place, i know i need to walk away and i am trying but i still want to spend time with him i guess i think the more time he soends with me he will fall in love with me again if you can fall in love with soemone. i know i am doing wrong and yes at the end of the day he is going back to her

[Hope75]

i know i need to walk away and i am trying but i still want to spend time with him

 

You contradict yourself here.

 

Honey, this guy doesn't love you; do you honestly think he would be seeing her and living there and that he would have cheated on you in the first place if he loved you?

 

Why are you accepting this kind of treatment?

[RayKay]

i unfortunatley think he does wnat to come back but he is scared i will go back to how i went which was to reject him which drve him away in the first place, i know i need to walk away and i am trying but i still want to spend time with him i guess i think the more time he soends with me he will fall in love with me again if you can fall in love with soemone. i know i am doing wrong and yes at the end of the day he is going back to her

 

I think you know yourself this is not the truth - you may not want to believe it, but I think YOU know that someone who loves you does not cheat, and would not be with another woman. Honestly, if you loved someone, would you be cheating? Why do you excuse him for it then?

 

We are treated how we expect to be treated. So start expecting more from others whom you allow in your life.

 

He's not scared of anything, he just wants to have it both ways..and I hate to say it but by "excusing" his behaviour and showing him he CAN treat you this way, is not the message you want to send, nor will it have him fall for you "again".

 

The truth hurts, but you need to start seeing it.

[Hope75]

Here's something I read in a nursing journal today:

 

It's about choices.

 

All choices have consequences, So when a person says or implies "I didn't or don't have any choice", or tries to blame another for their own choices, what they are really saying is, " I didn't like any of the consequences."

 

He has a choice to be with his gf and you, and since he lies to her and you don't make any consequences for him, he has you right where he wants you.

 

You also have a choice, but unfortunately you seem to like the consequence of being used and lied to and hurt and disrespected by him, more than you like the consequence of saying, "No more, I do not deserve this", and walking away from him.

 

If you were really trying, you would have moved out of his house 6 months ago and would be moving in with your own life, instead of wilting away on a vine, waiting for him to come back and hurt you all over again.

 

Aren't you angry and upset that he cheated? I like what RayKay asked you, would YOU cheat on someone you loved? Why do you excuse it for him?

[DN]

I think what people are trying to tell you is that the chances are that you are going to put your hand in the flame again; because you think he may come back to you and all will be well and you will be happy again.

 

But we are saying that you are probably going to get burnt and it will hurt you - a lot. We will be here with burn cream and bandages to try to ease that pain but we would much rather that you avoided it to start with.

[suebob1]

well by now you will all be thinking come on get a grip and get on with your life!!

well he is coimng round again tomorrow night why????my friemnds etc say he is trying to build the friendship thing back up and also his mum spoke to him the other day and he told he was coming round(last thursday) and told her he would be staying, she got all excited cos she thought we were getting back together and he just said no as friends we have to be friends first?? something could happen between us but there is no way i will be the other woman no matter how much i want him back i already feel lie that now as he lies to her about his where abouts it seems to me that this is going to be a regular thing. i want more but cant push it just yet, what should i do (apart from let him go) is it a good sign that he is coming to see me more often, he alsl sent me a text this morning saying good morning hope you had a good night and didnt get too drunk, this was very strange!!! you see i went out for a meal with some of our friends, he wasnt sure if was going but it turned out he didnt, i then get this text this morning the reason it is is strange is that it is usually me who texts him first,am i rrading too much into it?

[lillady898]

is it a good sign that he is coming to see me more often,

 

No, this is a bad sign. You shouldn't want him to come see you more often.

[suebob1]

sorry dont understand? i still unfortunately love him and would like another go at the relationship, why do you say it is a bad sign?

[lillady898]

It is a bad sign to get any attention from immoral and selfish men, particularly those who cheat and justify all of their wrong actions.

 

I can bet noone will tell you how to win this guy back and how to move things forward with him. Because noone wants you to have to go through the pain that will inevitably follow once again.

 

You shouldn't want that for yourself either.

[Hope75]

I have to agree with lady on this one... I just can't bring myself to support something I feel in my bones is wrong, and I don't understand how after all he has put you though you are just willing to accept this type of treatment and allow him to do whatever he pleases.

 

It makes me sad that you don't want more for yourself and demand it.

 

Do you think there's a reason we are all telling you the same thing?

[suebob1]

i know i must come accross as being really stupid but i do really love him, i want him back i dont know why other than the fact i really do love him. i am sorry if i appear to be silly but it just the way i feel, i think deep down he does want to come back and at the moment it looks as though he wants his cake and eat it too,i hurt him so much in the past without even realising it i am not trying to make excuses for him but it takes two to cause a break up.i just dont want to push it with him and push for answers anymore. i just wanted to know if it is a good thing that he is starting to want to spend time with me now and that he is lying to her about me not the othwer way round, in a way i feel sorry for her but then my sefish side comes out and i think why should i. when he first did the dirty on me i had no idea as things did not seem any different between us, why cant she see that there is really no commitmnet there from him,when he has not taken anything more away with him than what he took when he left, his post is still coming to our house and he is (if that is where he is)still living with her and her parents, he is 30yrs old has a good job surely they should be thinking it is strange, i would be wouldnt you??

[Hope75]

i just wanted to know if it is a good thing that he is starting to want to spend time with me now and that he is lying to her about me not the othwer way round

 

No honey, it is not a good thing. All this guy does is continue to prove to you that he has no respect for you, for her, or for commitment to anyone. First he lied to you and cheated on you and now he's lying to her and bordering cheating on her. How can you think this is good? What's he doing? Proving that he is a liar and cheater. Not good.

 

And you continue to allow him to take you for granted and string you along, as if you have no control over the matter, and I find it really heartbreaking.

 

You are using an excuse to stay when you say that you love him. You can love someone and still know that they aren't treating you fairly or with respect and instead of settling for substandard treatment (which is exactly what you are doing) you could say, " I deserve someone who is committed to me 100% percent and who shows me every day how much he loves me and wants to be with me." and leave this jerk in the dust.

 

If you are going to stay, maybe facing the truth would be a better choice for you. How about looking in the mirror and saying to yourself, "My ex bf lied to me, cheated on me, moved in with his girlfriend where he still lives and has for 7 months, and he now lies to her and disrespects us both and blames me for being upset. He has done nothing to prove to me he is sorry and wants to work it out, and even though I know I deserve so much more than he can ever give me, I want him back anyway."

 

It's the truth, isn't it?

 

At this point it feels to me that you are getting what you ask for, because regardless of what we are all advising you here, you just aren't listening to us and aren't looking out for yourself and protecting yourself.

 

You are overanalyzing every little thing and making a big deal out of it in terms of wishing and hoping desperately that he will come back to you, when I don't think you have even really thought about who it is that you want to come back. Someone who cheated, lied, disrespected, broke your trust and your heart, and is still doing it and had been for over 7 months. Someone who has not accepted responsibility for hurting you, has not apologized to you, who blames you for being upset that he did this to you, and has done nothing to show you he's sorry and wants to work it out and will never hurt you again.

 

Do you ever think about that?

 

You aren't taking care of yourself and you are putting him before you, and he does not deserve that from you.

 

It feels like I am talking to a wall.

[lillady898]

Have you ever wondered if this is even the same man you fell in love with? My guess is that it's the man he used to be that you're in love with and are having problems letting go of.

 

Some people change for the worse, and I think you're expecting him to change back. It won't happen. The reality of the situation is that he doesn't even think he's doing anything wrong.

[suebob1]

so i have finally done it i have bought my own house, it has taken me all this time but the other day i just thought if i dont do it now i never will so put an offer in on a house and it has been accepted. i also told him when he came round for his regualar thursday visit that i could no longer be friends if it was just a once a week thing when i was going to see him. i told him there is no point being friends if i want more out of it than him,thats right isnt it??

i asked if it was serious with her and he said he didnt know, when i asked him how he thought it was possible that a person could love two people at the same time he said he didint know, when i told him i didnt think he loved me as he said he did on many occasions such as he has never said that he has stopped loving me,well finally to me it seems that he has,he said they say true love never dies??what is this supposed to mean. i told him that i bet he couldnt wait till i left our house so that he could move her in and he said that he had no intention of moving her in when i asked how was he going to get out of doing that was he going to walk away from her(her who classes their relationship as being a year) he just said well i walked away from you after eight years didnt i. well anyway i have now done it i am moving on i havent done it to make him realise things i have done it for myself, but i definatley cannot be friends with him even though he says if we cant be friends we cant be anything else, he is still saying that the reason he is not with me is because i still go on at him,fob off cause i dont he says at the end of the day i believe what i want to believe.

Also was wondering your thoughts on his reactions when he first came into the house, when he arrived on thursady he was fine until he went into the computer room and saw 2 chairs(my frined had been round the night before) for no reason at all he went off on one(he hadnt even had a drink) he started shouting and swearing saying no one was to come into his house and beneift from his electric,etc without his say so when i told him it had only been kelly he said he didnt believe me and that he could read me like a book and that i was lying, why did he get so worked up??? i think he thought i had had a nother bloke in the house, what has it to do with him even if i had,the fact is i hadnt and wouldnt.

[suebob1]

sorry to rant on again but i am so confused bby his actions and word, i know at the end of the day actions speak louder than words, but why say true love never dies? why say he has no intentions of moving other girl in what is he going to do? as i keep saying i think he is living with her and her parents, what is he going to do when i move out just move back and eave her how the hell does he explain that to her. i have always said that once i leave our house i will never come back and now that i am buying my own place he can see that i also said that once the house either goes to him or me then it is over for good no going back, how do you think he feels, is he trying to tell me something by saying that he has no intentions on moving her in is he letting me know that no one will ever replace me in our house so that i can come back in the futr=ure if there is a possibility.in the past when i have gone i have only been goen a few days then come back to the house as i cant cope so then in the end i forced him to leave, the other day he made a point of this by saying that every other time i have left i have always come back, well not this time.

i am doing no contact once house and things are sortd out and cannot be friends it is him who wants to be friends dont know why but when i asked him the other day if he was 100% sure he wanted me out of his life for good as i have said cannot be friends as i am still in love with him he wouldnt answer not even in anger??? i am looking forward to moving out and on but it will be hard his mum seems to think this will make him think as he will see that i am going for good he will do the chasing???

[Hope75]

Hi Sue,

 

First off, let me congratulate you on your new house!

 

I am very impressed that you did this, and that you did it for yourself and so that you can move on, as it was have been impossible while you were still living in his house. Having all his things around you to remind you of a life together that no longer exisists was holding you back, and this is a good step forward for you.

 

I wouldn't overanalyze the things he say, because as you know at the end of the day he is still blaming you for why he is still with his gf and the fact is he is with her because he wants to be, or he wouldn't be there at all, and I think you know that.

 

i know at the end of the day actions speak louder than words, but why say true love never dies?

 

That is a very romantic but not altogether realisitic quote, because unfortunately love does die, and it's a difficult thing to go through for the person who is left behind, still in love.

 

Regardless of what he tells you, you know that it's been over 7 months and nothing has changed and he has not shown you one bit that he is interested in working it out, and you are a very smart woman to be getting out of that house and into your own house and on with your life.

 

Who knows why he gets angry that you has a guest over? More likely he resents that you are still there and now that won't be a problem because you can bring whomever you please to YOUR new place!

 

Let me just say, well done.

 

I am very proud of you.

[DN]

It's great that you have a new house. Now you can build a new life - free of the heartache that the old house brought you.

 

Well done. You have made a great step on the road to recovery and a new happiness.

[suebob1]

thank you all i know i need to be strong, i will try and yes it will be better when i move into a house that is solely in my name, it will be him that is left with our house(was only in name but was our house) with all my things around him eg decorating things we bought togehter, this may make him relise but for now i cant think about that. of course i will never give up hope i still do honestly believe he is only where he is because he cannot come home, i dont think he will take her to our house he is living her life so that if and hwhen he has to he can just walk away and she wont know where he came from or where he is.

i need to concentrate on me now i do want to meet someone else but i still want to be with him this may fade i dont know maybe it makes it harder when he says he has never said he has stopped loving me and when i say you are happier wherr you are tahn when with may he says i can believe what i want to believe why does he do this? why has he not introduced her to his family yet no one can understand him she and her parnets must be thick, if he moves back to our house without her i would find it very strange if i was her, he also said that she feels nothing but jealousy and envy over me as i had eight years with him, why would she feel that as she is with him now and will also have that chance?

[Hope75]

I don't understand why you are so concerned with his gf and what she thinks.

 

Knowing all he has put you through, why would you want him back so much? Honey, he has shown you nothing but total disrespect in the last 7 months.

i still do honestly believe he is only where he is because he cannot come home

 

He absolutely could go home and kick you out or be with you any time he wanted ( and you would take him back, wouldn't you? ) but he does not do that, again his actions are telling you his real intentions. He is with her and living there because he wants to, and for no other reason, regardless of the excuses he gives you.

all my things around him eg decorating things we bought togehter

 

 

Will you not be taking any of your things with you to the new house? Why not?

it makes it harder when he says he has never said he has stopped loving me and when i say you are happier wherr you are tahn when with may he says i can believe what i want to believe why does he do this?

 

Yes he says that, but where is he? Who is he choosing to be with every day? Her, and not you. Actions ,sweetie, actions. It's so easy to say words but so much harder to follow through with it. Since he isn't coming back or leaving her you can bet what his intentions are.

 

He never gives you a direct answer about whether or not he is happier there, and why do you think that is? Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings, or wants to string you along... but you should NOT be concerned with that.

 

The fact is, this relationship has been over for the better part of a year and you have been holding on desperately, and the great news is that you let something big go when you bought the new house, and that is what you need to move forward and give yourself a chance to have a happy, healthy life, either alone or with someone who really loves you and shows you everyday with their actions.

[suebob1]

Thank you again for your reply Hope, i really appreciate your time, i do listen but unfortunately sometimes i cant se the woods for the trees. I still do really want him back but like you said actions speak louder than words and his actions state that he is happy where he is, even though he says i can believe what i want to believe when i stated that his actions show he doesnt love me anymore and that it is not me going on that is keeping him away, although you say he may say certain things cos he doesnt want to huert my feelings i think he would tell me straight as when he gets angry he does tell me.At the minute i am trying to sort out financials with him and as usual he is always too busy!! well it needs to be done, he needs to get his finger out now afterall it is him that doesnt want to be with me and i am trying as quickly as i can to get out of his life. i just dont understand him i am sure he doesnt believe i am actually leaving for good but that is the way it is i just cannot continue the friendship.

Part of me wants to go out and meet someone else i know i can cos i have had offers and one local guy is interested but just not sure if he is only interested in one thing only, part of me is ready but part of me thinks it is only to take my mind off him.

what do you think i should do?

[Hope75]

Part of me wants to go out and meet someone else i know i can cos i have had offers and one local guy is interested but just not sure if he is only interested in one thing only, part of me is ready but part of me thinks it is only to take my mind off him.

what do you think i should do?

 

Don't do anything you don't feel ready for. If you think you can go out and date this guy and possibly start a relationship with him than give it a try, but I don't know how ready you really are to be serious with someone since you are still so fixated on your ex.

 

It might be fun, however to get out and let a man pay some attention to you and make you feel good. Just be wary of what you both expect from that, so that no one gets hurt in the end.

 

Good luck!

[suebob1]

thanks again hope for all your supportmand advice, i bet you are sick of hearing from me now. well i spoke to him yesterday and he was pretty mad, when i asked if it was just me that made him mad cos i couldnt imagine her making him angry he just daid that i had no idea? i asked him what he meant by tru love never dies and he said if i had to ask him!!i just said that i thinkhe was happier where he is doing what is he is doing than he was with me and again he just said i have no idea?

well trying to sort things out with at the minute about equity etc he just seems like a different person i do really still love him but i am starting t doubt him as to how can he still really love me and say that true love never dies?

peolpe say he is angry now cos i have taken the control away from him, i am no longer/will no longer be in his/our house cos when i said to him about moving so that i was no longer in his life he just said you are not in my life at the minute anyway it was if to say he wanted me to stay at the house cos it didnt make a diffence to him at the minute.

anyhow i a moving on slowly i still really miss him and love him very much but i will learn from my mistakes but i definitely cannot be friends with him when i want more out of it than him. i am just waiting to see if he comes round as usual tomorrow.

as for this other guy i think maybe i am thinking abiut it just to get my mind off bob, whilst i am still in his house i wouldnt take anyone in there even as a friend, i just want all this to be over, i know i will still see bob as i am only living down the road from him so when the day comes and he does/if he does move her in or take her into our local it will be hard but i will have to deal with it, i really cant see how he can move back to his house without her after he has been living with her for 4months can you? his mum is still saying he will just walk away from her, he is still avoiding contact eith his ,=mum he said it is because she always asks about me, thats no excuse cos all he has to do is tell her not to mention me and also he never goes to visit her i think it is his way of avoiding introducing her to his family cos if he doesnt go he doenst have to make excuses. sorry i am obssessed with him. one day i will stop.