Maybe someone can help me?!

[val_17]

Most people don't know how to listen. My life is falling apart and I have no one to talk to because no one will listen. My problem is with my family. I know that this section is about relationships, and my problem is... I don't have a problem with my boyfriend. My parents do.

 

When me and my boyfriend (Justin) of one year started going out everything was fine. My family loved him. We were happy. He moved into my house in June because he was going to live here for the summer and work with my dad to get money for his school. Still everything was fine. I understant that I am only 17 and that it's a big step for my boyfriend to live in my house, but things were actually going well.

 

It all started the night of my graduation. I go to a fancy school and for our grad our families got to go to a big dinner with all the grads. My grandparents came to mine because my parents don't like dressing up. Still things between me and my boyfriend were okay. I was feeling sick however, and I went out on the balcony several times with Justin because I thought that I was going to throw up. My grandma made up some crazy story that she told my parents saying that Justin was controlling me and he wouldnt let me go to the bathroom by myself. The truth is that I didn't even go to the bathroom in the first place, and thats what boyfriends do, if you're not feeling well, they try and make you feel better. And when dancing time came, I didnt want to dance but he did, and my grandparents told my parents that Justin ruined my night and that they were shocked.

 

Well after this, as soon as I came back from my grad my mum basically kicked Justin out of the house because she claimed that she was realizing this kind of stuff too. We were both upset because we didn't understand what we did. Everything in our lives was perfect until this point. So Justin left that day and moved to Kingston with his friends, the town where I'm going to university in Sept. So I thought it wasn't that bad. My parents were starting not to like him but I could still be with him and go to his place etc. Justin now has no job and basically had to restart his life. He got screwed over because he didnt do anything and now that he has no job he doesn't know if he can afford going back to school in Sept.

 

Both of my parents are pessimistic realists. I am a optimistic idealist. My mum says that my boyfriend is going now where in life, that she'll eat her crap if he ends up going to school and that apparently he's "dragging me down with him". It hurts me when I hear my own parents talking so badly about someone I care so much about. First of all, they have no right to doubt him, everyone is capable. Secondly, no one can drag me down but myself. I am a strong person, I know what I want out of life, no one (doesn't matter who it is) can keep me from achieving my goals. So NO he's not dragging me down.

 

He still comes over to my house when he can afford to (he lives a few hours away) We had a fight last night about Campuskiss (this online chat thing) I made up a fake account one night because I was bored but deleted it the same day because I realized it was supid. Well Justin saw all the people (guys) I was talking to and he was upset. It's not that he's extremely jealous, he is jealous but I mean I understand where he is coming from, he wouldn't do that to me. We had a fight last night around 2:00 AM and I had school the next day. My mum heard us and came down and told us to go to bed. We're fine now.

 

When I woke up, my parents said he had to leave and when I got home from school. My mum had sent me an email saying that she didn't want him sleeping over at our house anymore. I decided that this whole thing was a misunderstanding (which it is) and I went to go talk to them. It didn't go well. It ended up being both my parents yelling at me, me crying and no one ended up listening to a word I said pretty much. The out come now is that: He is not allowed to come over to my house, I am not allowed to go to his house, I am not allowed to phone him.

 

I am not a child. I am moving out of my house in a month and living by myself. I am going into university, why are they treating me like a child?! I am grown up enough to make my own decisions. I am not going to let other people make them for me. My boyfriend makes me happy, my parents do not make me happy. I still believe that this is a whole misunderstanding, but no one will hear me out. I just get to listen to how bad my boyfriend is ( they say the worst things, I have never heard another person talk so badly about anyone in my life) and how they know whats best for me 100%. I know that they love me , but seriously, I think they don't know what they're doing. They definitely don't understand the situation in the first place so how are they 100% correct?

 

I still haven't talked to my grandparents. My mum thinks that I am avoiding them because the two times either of them has made an effort to talk to me since, I've been in the bath or on the phone.

 

My dad says that if I go against his rules and turn this into a fight then I'm going to lose. Personally, I'd rather lose trying, then not lose at all. I phoned Justin after I had the "conversation" with my parents and he says that he can wait for me and that he doesn't want to be with anyone else but me and to take my time. He doesn't understand what he did to make my parents and gradparents not like him anymore ( they all used to love him ) I wish I knew what I could tell him. I just feel really bad for him because I, myself don't understand.

 

I just want things to go back to the way they were when everyone was happy. I want to make things right again between everyone but it's kind of hard to do that when you're not given the chance and it's pretty much impossible to take one. I hope that over time they will realize that I do love Justin and that he makes me happy. Maybe they will respect him again.

 

What would you do in my situation? I'm willing to take any advice... because right now I am lost. Thank you for reading my incredibly long post. I just had to get it all off my chest. Maybe someone can help me.

[sprkal]

It's a terrible situation to be in, but why not conisder the bright side of it all? Soon you will be moving out and living in the same town as your bf and will be able to do as you please without being under your parent's watchful eye. My advice would be to back down now and just count the days until you are free to see him again.

[SadnConfused]

You know what? Dont worry about it. Seriously. Things always tend to snowball way out of control. You said you are moving out and going to college, right? Guess what? This opens up a whole new chapter in your life. Parents? No where to be found. You will be surprised at the change in attitude when you are gone. Keep doing what you are doing. Live your life day to day. As for the campus kiss thing, this is an indication about how you know you are opening yourself up to a whole new group of people with a whole new bunch of experiences. Your boyfriend and you may be together awhile, maybe forever. Most likely you will move on to bigger and better things in your life. Trust me. I went to a 2 differnt schools and earned a bachelors and a masters. In 7 years, whoa has my life changes since living in my home town. To sum it all up, people are upset. People do get upset. Your family is going to love you no matter what. Dont worry about it. As far as you are concerned, look forward to school. Look forward to starting your collegiate career. You will be happy soon. I know it. Hang in there right now and go day to day. Play it cool. Make your parents happy. Say you dont talk to Justin. (go ahead and talk to him). Resolve issues with your grandparents (they love you too). Then, move out, go to school, live your OWN life.

[Shadows Light]

Sadandconfused has some good things to say.

 

I'm a mom now. So I look at things differently. From a different perspective than I did when I was your age. There was a boy in my life who, while I wasn't in LOVE with, I dated and my mother hated. Threw him out, railed against him and we had rows over. Guess what.... I knew I wasn't going to marry this guy or be with him forever. But you know what I did. I made mom happy and I didn't argue with her. I told her I wasn't seeing him anymore. But I did. And that relationship ran its course.

 

Your parents love you very much. And they do mean well. Sometimes they look at things through different eyes because they have those life experiences you don't have yet. Sometimes as a parent you want to save your kids the hurt because you don't want to see it happen to them. And what happens... you tell your kid NOT to do something because you mean well... and how does it go??? The kid goes and does it anyway. And learns the lesson. Some parents, guide their kids gently and know that the kids headed for a hard lesson. And they just pray they taught them all the right things...and the kid makes all the right decisions. They'll let the lesson happen...and then be there to help them pick up the pieces. And love them.

 

Your parents love you. They mean well. Your grandparents love you..and they mean well. Call your grandma and talk to her... cherish every moment you have with her..because when she's gone.. you will wish you had the chance to talk to her again.

 

Sadandconfused is right. Once you head off to school its going to be a whole new world to you. Things are going to change dramatically. Its exciting and new to you. Your parents and your grandparents are probably scared to death. CHANGE is a very difficult thing for most to accept...and when your child leaves home for the first time to venture out into the big scary world... as a parent you are scared to DEATH.

 

You love your boyfriend and he loves you. Wonderful. Keep the relationship. See where it heads to. You don't have to advertise it to your family. Heed your parents and grandparents advice... keep it in mind... keep your eyes and ears open to controlling behavior... don't lose yourself and be blind sided. When family advises and believe me... your family will advise from now until doomsday... accept it good naturally and keep it in mind. Just be mindful. Doesn't mean that all this will come to pass, their prophesies....but keep it in mind. Just in case.

 

They say LOVE is blind. And boy oh boy are they right. It can be. Your family is your lifeline in this world. Keep a good relationship with them. You don't need to argue Justin for them. If the rules are... no Justin in the house. Then its their house... no Justin in the house. If the rules are.... no Justin on the phone that they pay for... then that means that no Justin on the phone.

 

I think it was Shakespeare that said... "Familiarity breeds contempt"...and Justin having lived in your parents home in such close proximity... they obviously seen things they do not approve of. Its their right to their feelins..and their opinions. You have a right to yours. Since its their house and pay the bills... do as they say and respect their space. Doesn't mean they don't love you.... or you don't love them. Respect each other.

 

Things will get better. Mend your relationship with your parents and your grandparents. Even if it means saying.."yes, I can see your point of view".... or "Yes, I see where you are coming from" or "Yes, I can see why you feel that way".... They can not prophesy to know what Justin will do...anymore than you can. Its Justin's life. Let Justin figure it out. You have your hands full figuring your own life out.

 

Internet chat: hmmmm well, I always say that in years to come, sociologists will have a field day figuring out what the impact of the internet was on us as a civilization. IT's HUGE.... absolutely a huge huge impact. I have met some very interesting people on-line. From the very educated and bright.... to the slimeballs of society. And even the slimeballs have taught me a thing or two about things I didn't know about.

 

Your boyfriend being jealous??? Well... personally... I can not abide by the jealous type of man. It drives me wild. Relationships are about TRUST. And if I say that I'm a serial monogomist... only one man in my life at a time...that's what I mean.. one man at a time. However, with this internet stuff... you know, how do you know its real??? how do you know who is being real out there??? I mean, I have a tendency to put my thoughts and feelings out there, the real me, and the response I get...helps me gauge how I am doing...LOL. But if I have an internet friend do I know if they are being forthright..??? no, I don't. Do I trust what people tell me on the net 100%.... of course not. Heck, I take what people say to my face with a grain of salt and let it go through the filters... how would I not in this venue. I guess my point is............... the internet chat stuff... its an exerperience...its a way to explore your thoughts, feelings and opinions... without totally putting yourself out there. You have a monitor and keyboards to hide behind... so why not. Boyfriend should just keep his jealousies in check. He should. You should not have to EXPLAIN to him anything. Either he trusts you or he doesn't. And if he doesn't... oh well. His issue not yours.

 

And you keep that in mind. As with your parents... you can accomidate them and make them happy by just not argueing with them and telling them all about JUSTIN. And Justin.... well Justin doesn't need to know if you are chatting or not. Its none of his business really. A chat doesn't constitute something to be worried about. He's your BF... not your Husband. Does that make sense????

 

Relax... Breathe... it will be ok. Things have a way of working themselves through. You'll be fine. IN the meantime... call Grandma and tell her you LOVE her.

[yokohama_mama]

Wow, your family sounds really...interesting. I'm surprised your parents let your boyfriend move into your house. And I'm surprised they didn't go to your graduation because they don't like dressing up (!?!?)

 

While you're living in their house and being financially and otherwise supported by them, you have to show some respect for their rules (even though in their case the rules seem arbitrary and inconsistantly applied). But as previous posters wrote, you'll be off to college soon and living close to your boyfriend. I'm assuming your parents will still be supporting you through college, but really they won't be able to keep tabs on you so it's up to you whether you follow their rules or not.

 

To be honest your parents sound a bit flakey, but they probably are looking out for your best interests in their own special way. So don't waste your summer arguing with them, it's only a couple of months until you'll be off on your own, try to make them pleasant months.

[val_17]

I understand that my parents are just trying to help me but why can't they just give me advice instead of controlling me and making my decisions for me. I think it's a good thing that they want to be involved in my life, but I think they are too involved. If me and Justin are happy, then why are they trying to ruin it on purpose. My mum sent me a long email today. It said this...

 

I don't think our conversation yesterday went very well and I wanted to

clarify a few things. Whether you believe it or not, nobody loves you

more or cares about your health and happiness more than Dad and I.

Friends, boyfriends come and go...we are with you until we die. Dad and

I didn't have you and say to ourselves "oh good, a beautiful baby.

Let's make her unhappy and ruin her life". We want you to be healthy

and happy and to reach your full potential. Because we feel so strongly

and love you so much we feel we HAVE to voice our concerns about your

relationship with Justin If we left the situation alone, it would mean

that we didn't love you enough or care enough to endure your anger and

even your hatred towards us even though in our hearts, we believe that

this relationship is detrimental to you and your future. As dad said

yesterday, it is not just even about school, it is so much bigger than

that, it is about you, your life, your future, your self esteem, your

life choices.

 

You need to think long and hard about what you are doing and how your

actions are affecting your family. Your family was there long before

Justin and you know what? We will be there long after Justin too.

Think about that. It isn't a coincident that the people who love you

and are close to you are concerned. We are not making this up. We have

all seen it at different times.We all feel the same way. I would lay down my life for you. Do you really think I would intentionally go out of my way to hurt you or cause you sadness? This sadness is temporary and in the long run, I know what we are doing is right. My instinct has never steered me wrong. Thank God i have it as most mothers do. LOVE MUM

 

I still don't see how my relationship with Justin is "detrimental". I am HAPPY with Justin. Why can't they just let us be? They say they love me so much, then why can't they respect the decisions I AM making in MY OWN life. They are supporting me though school. What is the worst they can do if I'm still with Justin in university, stop funding me? pull me out of school? I mean what can they really do... nothing. My mum used to be my best friend, she's like my enemy. I hate talking to my parents now, I'm soo angry with them, it's like I don't want anything to do with them. Why can't they just realize that they are making a mistake? Guess what.. Parents aren't always right.

 

My mum said in her letter about temporary sadness, well I don't have to be sad in the first place. The only reason I am sad is because of her.

 

I've talked to some close friends at school and they think my parents are crazy and what they're doing is insane. I just don't know why they can't leave me alone and let me be happy. They have to ruin everything, everytime. They made my sister break up with her last boyfriend of 2 years. I'm tired of having my life controlled by my parents and this time, I'm not going to let them. I am my own person, I will make my own decisions. Period.

[val_17]

I feel so alone. Everyone has left me. Im beginning to become depressed because I can't do anything about the situation I'm in and there's no one there. All of my friends are camping, my parents hate my bf so he can't come see me and I can't see him. My sister won't listen to me and my parents don't understand. I feel so alone. I want to do something about it but I don't know how to make things better. I just wish my life was normal again. I don't think it could get any worse. Maybe if I hurt myself people would care... I know it sounds stupid but maybe then they would notice me and help me. Because right now I feel just alone. I can't deal with my sad life being like this every single day... I've had enough. I can't take it anymore.

[RayKay]

I feel so alone. Everyone has left me. Im beginning to become depressed because I can't do anything about the situation I'm in and there's no one there. All of my friends are camping, my parents hate my bf so he can't come see me and I can't see him. My sister won't listen to me and my parents don't understand. I feel so alone. I want to do something about it but I don't know how to make things better. I just wish my life was normal again. I don't think it could get any worse. Maybe if I hurt myself people would care... I know it sounds stupid but maybe then they would notice me and help me. Because right now I feel just alone. I can't deal with my sad life being like this every single day... I've had enough. I can't take it anymore.

 

Hey sweetie, I know you feel terrible, but trust me give it time. One day you will look back on all this and wonder why it was such a big deal at the time...small comfort I know, but just have faith in a better future...you are moving out soon, going to college..that's awesome!

 

I read your last post, and you know, it just sounds like your mother is concerned and loves you. I know you don't believe they have reason, but maybe they DO see something you don't. Not in the way he treats you, but in the way you have changed. Have you focused too much of your life on him? Do you still go out with your friends, follow your own separate interests? Are you happy when you are at home, or miserable? All these can maybe lead to their conclusions about your boyfriend.

 

Look..I had boyfriends in my younger days my family liked, but at the same time they did not like that I also gave them too much of me, sacrificing other things in my life at that age. It is normal for parents to worry, and one day maybe you will understand how they felt! Ultimtely, it just sounds like your mother truly loves you and cares about you, I know you might not see it in her letter, as it may come accross as demanding to you, but really, the love is very present in it. You ARE lucky to have a family that loves you, and you are NOT alone, even if you feel like it right now, you really are not.

 

Anyway, you ARE moving soon, and it sounds like your boyfriend is willing to wait for you..so hang in there. If your love is as strong as you say it is, you WILL be okay. Maybe this relationship will last, maybe it won't...you are both very young so it is hard to say. Of course you would want it to, but you both will grow and change a lot over the next few years (if you are lucky) and you might part ways....and whether he is there or not, your family WILL always be there.

 

You are an adult, and when you move out, you are also an independent adult, and you can make the choices you want to make. Your parents might not approve of him, but ultimately it IS your life, and they will support YOU even if they don't always agree with your decisions.

 

I know you are young, so everything "negative" seems overwhelming, but life is a journey, and ebb and flow, with negative and positive experiences that form who we are as people...they are part of us. I know you want things fixes NOW, but be patient, solutions lay ahead of you, learn patience and acceptance. And be strong

[simulacra]

Your mother's email/letter sounds very sincere and very typical of what parents' perspectives might be. They are your guardians, and they will see things from a certain protective bias.

 

Something to try:

If your parents and your family have seen these "things" or instances of Justin dragging you down or mistreating you, ask them to tell you what they are >specifically<. have them list instances and reasons why they are negative to you.>

 

Try clarifying those instances up for them, or cite instances where he has made positive differences in your life.

[Aikoji]

That sounds horrible in my opinion! Personally, the only way I get the chance to go with my bf to places is that I have kept it clear to my parents he is "just a friend" it's worked out extremely well so far... though if they found out that we were going out I would be in the same situation as you. Something funny though is something your grandparents said is near exactly what my bf's mom told him. He has only been able to call me for 30 minute periods since this time: His Mom figured that since I was a girl, and I was his friend, that I was his girlfriend, and then she yelled at him and said things like "I control him" and I "Keep him away from his friends" he told me this and I admit it made me cry knowing she didn't trust me or like me like I thought she did(she had always been very kindly to me) An ironic thing is whenever I notice him spending too much time with me I always say something like "Don't you think you should go talk to _____?" or some hint like that. As for controling him, that's almost laughable, he does some things I disaprove of, an you can see examples by looking at my post I made earlier. Now when I see his mom I try to as kind as I can but I know I must seem nervous(she doesn't know that I know what she has said about me). As for advice for you...well I think my parents are quite similar, when they both agree on something they'll stop at nothing to prove it right, there's a saying in fact, "It is easier to forgive someone for being wrong than for being right."I can't say that there is really anything you can do until you leave to college. DO NOT HURT YOURSELF!!!!! That is never the answer! Causing yourself pain will not make them let you see your boyfriend again, but certainly the opposite, they would see you as insecure and unstable and not mature enough to have a bf, trust me on this because the same happened to a close friend and she now has to see counseling for cutting her wrists(which is horribly dangerous since there is a vein in your wrist that if you were to cut you could easily die We're around the same age I see, well anyways good luck with everything and if you're a Christian remember that if you want something enough, God will answer you

[val_17]

On the weekend I went and saw Justin anyway, despite my paretns rules. I lied to my mum but then told her about it the next day. She just said she thought I was going to and not to tell my dad. She didn't seem like it bothered her too much. I talked to my family about it on Sunday. They said that the whole thing will blow over (they still all like Justin... Thank God!) and that things were going to be okay. So things are looking up. I got to see Justin and my mum wasn't upset about it... it's all very strange but at least things are working themselves out.

[val_17]

Why is my family trying to make me choose between Justin and them? Why would they want me to make such a decision... My family will be there for me no matter what decisions I make so why does it matter who I'm going out with. My mum and me had a conversation at dinner today about Justin. She still talks badly about him even if I ask her not to. She said "Go ahead and stay with Justin, and you'll live in poverty" and crap like that. Also, she still garuntees me 100% that I'll realize that they were right... she doesn't know 100%... who ever does?!? She said now that she knows that I lie to her to see Justin, she's not going to let me go anywhere... she said that when I go to Kingston I can do whatever I want and she can't stop me but until then if I even mention going up to Kingston or going away with my friends or anything she says that she'll have to take it up with my dad and I know already that my dad won't let me go anywhere.

[SadnConfused]

Ok, use this technique, please. Trust me. Agree with everything your parents are saying. Seriously! Say you are right you are right you are right..... You are moving out soon. You can do whatever you want. Your family will be there. Trust me!!!! This will all be totally gone soon. Hang in there for a couple more weeks.

[val_17]

Now... My parents are making me choose between university and Justin. They said that either I can end the relationship or they will. My mum said that she doesn't want me going to queens with a boyfriend so if I break up with Justin I can go to Queens...if I don't then I'm going to Carleton. I've wanted to go to Queens even before I met Justin so I'm going to Queens. I don't want to break up with Justin... Should I just tell them that I broke up with him...not see him for a month and then be with him in university? What's the best way of faking a break up? If my parents find out that I didn't actually break up with him then I will be going to Carleton... Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!