Married, just broke off affair

[westwind61]

Somewhere up this thread someone said to the effect "Dr. Laura says NOT to tell your spouse"

[michelemybell]

I did. I like her advice--I hate her politics, but she has a lot of good things to say on marriage and family. Anyways, let's not change the subject here.

 

I remember when my dad told my mother he was having an affair. She almost tried to kill herself by slashing both her wrists. She ended up having a nervous breakdown and ending up in a hospital...which drained all the finances in the family because we had no health insurance. Honestly, I wish my father kept the info to himself and just changed his behavior. He ended up making her (and my sister and I) take on the guilt and the hassle of HIS AFFAIR. It took her years and years and years to recover. My sister and I, who up to that point were happy and outgoing teenagers, had to go into therapy to be able to handle the hurt with something HE DID. We carried his burden. So, did it solve anything for him to tell my mom? No. It made him feel him better, us worse.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

No I have never been cheated on. But I do know what is important to me. What's 'real' is what is important. I want to know the truth.

 

I don't want to say this is naive, but I just don't have a better word for it. It's like this: until you're actually stuck in the Andes mountains with no food, you don't know if you'll eat human flesh or not. You think you won't, but you don't know until you're desperate. You don't *know* it's going to be worse from her or from someone else. For example, I *knew* I would never stay with a cheater before it happened to me. Lots of people *know* lots of things until they're in the thick of something they never thought would happen.

 

Each of us faces a different reality and that is defined by what we have experienced, what we have not, what we know, and what we don't know. To that husband, his life as it is IS his reality. It IS real. Should he find out, yes, then his reality will change. But geez, leave the guy alone, let him be happy! Do you know it takes something like 2 years to get over adultery, if you're going to stay with that person?

 

And you're still talking about it from her point of view. Controlling how he finds out, blah blah blah, saving face, "at least I was honest enough to tell you!" I haven't actually heard anything that says to me I'm thinking about what's best for him and the family. Still about her, her, her.

 

I don't advocate always keeping it from your spouse. Every situation must be taken invidually. In this case, if she didn't do safe sex, she definitely needs to 'fess up for obvious reasons. There's no keeping that under the rug. But if it's over, you didn't put your spouse's health at risk, and you're going to work on your marriage, why add one more hurdle?

 

Do you have children? Cause I don't care what anyone says, they DO come first. As a parent, you are screwing with their entire life, their entire view of relationships. Everything you do impacts them. Why mess with their security? Other than easing your own conscience for no apparent gain for anyone except you.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Kids are hurt by their parents divorce but not anywhere close to how hurt he is gonna be.

 

Big disagreement on that one. Kids learn what to expect from their relationships by what they see growing up. It's not the same as learning when you're 25 that mom had an affair 20 years ago or something. Your core personality is formed.

 

Before you have kids, yes, it is about the relationship. Afterward, nope. You're shaping someone else's life and that is the absolute highest responsibility! That is what you need to sacrifice for. To give those children the best foundation you can.

 

That's the problem. People think about the here and now and the moment and what's best for themselves too much. And society endorses that, unwittingly or not. That's what got her into this mess. Stop thinking about the here and now and what's best for HER...and think about what would *really* happen if she told him and shattered their world.

 

All this having been said, I do want to say that I respect your opinion. I just disagree is all. I don't want to seem disrespectful, I just have a different way of looking at it.

 

The original poster will have to make up her own mind, regardless of anyone's advice. I'm just giving my opinion.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

I grew up witnessing some of the worst conditions possible for a relationship between two people and I can honestly say I don't think much about it anymore. I think children are a lot tougher than you think.

That being said, it is a very arrogant statement to say my viewpoint is naive as well as a weak argument when I am telling you what is important to me. However if having a viewpoint from somebody who has been cheated on is important to you I can say that at least one person who is one of the most important people in my life was cheated on by her husband as well as was my mom's first husband.

I have heard from both of them how important they find honesty, esp the former, and how important knowing what the indiscretions are that were commited against them and going from there. In the end she chose to work it out but he left anyway. And I don't know HOW many people I have heard over and over again telling me that they had to know.

My evidence is thus based from experience even if it isn't my own. And that can count for just as much when you know the people very well who have experienced these things.

maybe it took you two years but there is no scientific evidence to back that up that it takes everybody two years.

Now here is what is really naive. Thinking that the reality her husband is living, not knowing, is just as true as the reality of if he did know. He believe's she hasn't cheated. His knowledge of the situation (her fidelity) is inferior to hers. There is the truth and there is the truth we perceive, but believing something doesn't make it so.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Kids don't automatically presume everything they say is the way it is gonna be growing up. They eventually learn to form their own opinions and interpretations on the matter.

[dotherightthing]

Original Poster here. I am very grateful for each post I've read and I've read them all. I wish I could take the time to write every thought I've ever had regarding this situation and every step I've taken (right or wrong). The thing is I have taken the fist step down the path I've chosen to go...ending it. Now I'm trying to figure out what the next one is and how I want to do it. I will not shatter this marriage. I will not shatter my kids. I will not tell him what I've done. What I'm asking for is advice based on those facts. I do not want to unload what I've done on him. I KNOW this is not giving him an option. I want to be with this man. I want to make the changes necessary to really BE with him and be a better role model for my children. I've been with him since I was 18 years old. Do you think I don't know what I've done? Of course you think that...you don't know who I am. You know I'm a cheater and that's all you know. I got sick of that lie. My husband and kids need me to be what I'm supposed to be....their mother...his wife...honest...faithful. I didn't just cheat on my husband. I cheated on them all. God, I wish I had more time to spend in here. I'm moving forward. PLEASE...PLEASE talk to me about THAT....I already know I'm scum. But I'm strong and I'm committed and I won't beat myself up forever. That will never be productive.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Sounds like a cop out to me. A frightened decision.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

In the end this doesn't matter. I don't think you will hide your cheating from him forever anyway. The guilt and the lie that you are living will eat at you. Everytime you kiss him you are gonna do it with lips that were wrapped around that other guy's member. Your memory will grow stronger rather than diminish...of course I could be wrong...but just think. Everytime either of you say I love you you are gonna have the knowledge that he would instead be saying something awful if he knew...

[DN]

OK, if you are determined that you will not tell him then it becomes pointless trying to persuade you - and you are asking for advice about how to proceed.

 

I suggest that you retake your wedding vows again privately to yourself - i.e.

 

Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse, in sadness and in joy, to cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart's deepest devotion, forsaking all others, keep yourself only unto him as long as you both shall live?

 

What else do you need to know?

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

DN

I am totally convinced she is gonna tell him.

[DN]

If she does - she does. But she asked for advice predicated on not telling him.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Dn well there ain't much good you can advise somebody who wants to engage in a fake marriage but yeah, i agree with you. Your advise is sound, Revowing loyalty and commitment is pretty much the best thing she can do under such a unhealthy decision.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Dn well there ain't much good you can advise somebody who wants to engage in a fake marriage but yeah, i agree with you. Your advise is sound, Revowing loyalty and commitment is pretty much the best thing she can do under such a unhealthy decision.

 

Sorry, but that is not an unhealthy decision. This person is finally putting others ahead of herself.

 

Original poster, good for you. You're taking the first step in really committing to your marriage and your family. Many people don't ever even do that. So good for you.

 

The next step...see a counsellor independently. They will help you deal with your conflicting emotions. Then go for joint counselling if you feel it's necessary.

 

This doesn't have to define your life or who you are. What you do going forward defines that. You made a mistake. Now you have to learn from it and never do it again. What led you down that path? What need was unmet that made you susceptible to cheating? How can your husband meet that need? Or, better yet, now that he has made himself more available to you, how can you heal from the anger of the past when he wasn't doing right and allow your heart to open to him again?

 

Think about these questions and see the counsellor and then you will know what the next steps are. I have learned that the way to get over guilt from a mistake and to stop pining for what you don't have is to truly live in the present, and enjoy what you have, not worry about what you don't. If you have to, you might do something as corny as making a list of what is good about your life, and why it is good that you made the decision to stay with your husband.

 

You're turning over a new leaf and starting a brand new life, and you should treat it that way. You might have to face the sins of your past, that's true, but you can't cross that bridge until you come to it.

 

Good luck.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Kids don't automatically presume everything they say is the way it is gonna be growing up. They eventually learn to form their own opinions and interpretations on the matter.

 

lol yes they sure as heck do. Have you actually raised kids?

 

Oh man I could write a treatise on this, but I don't have the time. Bottom line, they might grow out of it, they might learn different, but it's a hard row to hoe to get there, and they shouldn't be put through it in the first place if you can avoid it. It's up to the adults, it's their responsibility, to avoid damaging their children as much as possible to start with.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Ph yeah but adults gotta live their own lives too. They shouldn't live their entire lives miserable and in an unhealthy relationship to protect a kid from something bad happening. We are raising a bunch of pansies these days as it is.

And no, kids really don't always believe everything their parents do and act like. Sure maybe when they are four. But they do grow out of thinking what their parents say is dogmatic. It's called rebellion. And I doubt you'll find too many exact duplicates of their parents walking around. And yeah, I have been around a lot of kids

[michelemybell]

Well, I guess it comes down to your own personal beliefs, what we have all individually experienced, and even the person you are dealing with (if they are emotionally strong to handle the news). Honesty about an affair served some here, but in my parent's situation it didn't.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

mic and you survived.

[michelemybell]

I survived, but damaged and with a skewed look at relationships. I was very emotionally scarred and took that into make bad decisions with past relationships. You have no idea what a parent's decision can do to a child unless you lived in their shoes.

I disagree with you----Parents have an absolute responsibility to put their children first.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Ph yeah but adults gotta live their own lives too. They shouldn't live their entire lives miserable and in an unhealthy relationship to protect a kid from something bad happening. We are raising a bunch of pansies these days as it is.

And no, kids really don't always believe everything their parents do and act like. Sure maybe when they are four. But they do grow out of thinking what their parents say is dogmatic. It's called rebellion. And I doubt you'll find too many exact duplicates of their parents walking around. And yeah, I have been around a lot of kids

 

Her husband isn't miserable.

 

She is.

 

And it's because of her choices. But she's determined to look beyond herself, make the situation better, that's why she's asking for advice. Humans are social creatures, and fulfilling relationships with other people are the cornerstone for a happy life. Her relationship can become fulfilling again without causing her husband undue pain and chaos if she will learn from her mistake and re-commit herself to her marriage and family. Her husband is obviously committed to her. It sounds like she knows what she has there.

 

No one is an exact duplicate of anyone and since you obviously have not raised children, I will not go into why these things mess with your head long after you've grown up or how much work it takes to put it behind you.

 

Raise some damaged children. See how their parents' behavior messed with them. Then, if you are still so inclined, you can lecture about how we're raising pansies and how rebellion is a cure-all for every parent screw-up there is and thereforeeee how one can screw one's marriage to the wall and not worry about how it'll affect one's kids because, hey they'll get over the results of that your selfish decision.

 

You're right kids will survive...they are very strong little things, and I am living proof of that. But you don't get out of surviving that stuff unscathed.

[Mun]

As a child of a father that cheated I can say that I survived too..

so did my sibblings, but of the six adult children only one is married. I'm divorced and have been for 10 years. I think three of us have had counseling. I myself made some very bad relationship decisions that I've had to live with.

 

I wouldn't blame this all on my parents, but I know that I learned about relationships from them. I've said this before, my father was the first man to lie to me...it hurt. Never think that what parents do will not affect their children.

 

I hope you make the right decision and that you can resolve this mess you have got yourself into. You definitely have things to work on in your marriage and I too recommend you find some counseling to help you deal.

 

Good luck to you.

[dotherightthing]

I guess a timeline would help you see where I'm coming from:

1993 - 18 years old....got married to my husband. It was truly puppy love, but it was the sweetest kind. I can't really go back to that and say that I need to find that again. I was immature then (still am obviously in some cases). He was military and so our life began. I had to finish school and get a job...the crappy kind...not the career kind back then. Immediately we were distant. We were miles away from home, new marriage...then comes new baby. I was happy. He wasn't. BUT he was committed to me. Although he did not know how to communicate, spend time with me...all the things people need, he stayed. Skip ahead 4 years. Same life. Same marriage. Baby #2. We're growing up. We're not talking still....not about the important things. But we've been together forever at this point and we're not quitters. I gain weight with baby #2 and do nothing to take it off. Our relationship suffers b/c he never wants to touch me. I feel uncomfortable about my body and he is simply not interested. We can't talk about it b/c I only cry and that turns him off completely. He turns his back. 2003 is here and I take ALL the weight off. I am happy with me (physically) and he seems to like the new hard bod, but he can only work, work, work. I can only work out, work out, work out. We still have no emotional relationship. Along comes my coworker of 7 years who I never thought of in the way of a lover and I make a decision.....

I get caught kissing him at a x-mas party BY my hubby. Hubby gives him a good stomping before going home and having a breakdown. I break off the affair (hubby thinks it was only a kiss...nothing more). Hubby is weak and at the time he needs me the most, I have no feelings for him. Was it pent up anger? Maybe. Should I have even felt angry? I don't know. But I stay and I try to help him. We talk, we're close for months. He checks my phone, my computer, my dresser drawers. It drives me crazy even though I deserved it. Over the months he becomes smothering and questions everyday....of course...GOD who wouldn't? And all the while I'm still loving the other man. Still emailing, talking to, meeting at least once a month. It's been since x-mas of '03 that all of this has happened. In the last few months, I have been finding myself so in love with who I'm married to. He is absolutely beautiful. He is so good to me and attentive and he talks to me. He never used to speak to me. I am falling in love with him. So I've been really messed up inside. How can I love two men....and love them so differently? So I go cold turkey and tell the lover it's over. I want to make my marriage work. Like I said before.....alot of this I only know in hindsight. I feel like I spun out of control for so long and I can finally see past my own selfishness and take responsibility for those actions. I feel relieved, but I miss that person I have to admit...at least the part I knew. So the advice I know I will take immediately is counceling....my company does have a program and I have easy access to them. It is confidential. The other is to take my vows again to myself or even in my husband's presense so that he can hear them...feel them. I will have no contact with the other person. The thing that's hard is inviting my hubby to counceling b/c he doesn't know I've had this sick problem. To tell him there was something wrong would be shocking even at the most basic level....but that's another step I will take. I have to. My god. I had no idea there were people out there who were willing to talk so openly either to help or slaughter me. So glad I found the site.

[TheSmilingTurnip]

Congrats on taking the first step toward rebuilding your life.

 

Soooooo on the counselling thing, when I first went, my ex would not go with me. I went by myself. This was good. My therapist suggested that I ask him to come with me to meet her and then he started talking. I suggest you do the same.

 

Go alone, then suggest he go with you to 'meet' him/her and you may find he is talking more than you. That happened to me.

 

Good luck!