dotherightthing

I guess a timeline would help you see where I'm coming from: 1993 - 18 years old....got married to my husband. It was truly puppy love, but it was the sweetest kind. I can't really go back to that and say that I need to find that again. I was immature then (still am obviously in some cases). He was military and so our life began. I had to finish school and get a job...the crappy kind...not the career kind back then. Immediately we were distant. We were miles away from home, new marriage...then comes new baby. I was happy. He wasn't. BUT he was committed to me. Although he did not know how to communicate, spend time with me...all the things people need, he stayed. Skip ahead 4 years. Same life. Same marriage. Baby #2. We're growing up. We're not talking still....not about the important things. But we've been together forever at this point and we're not quitters. I gain weight with baby #2 and do nothing to take it off. Our relationship suffers b/c he never wants to touch me. I feel uncomfortable about my body and he is simply not interested. We can't talk about it b/c I only cry and that turns him off completely. He turns his back. 2003 is here and I take ALL the weight off. I am happy with me (physically) and he seems to like the new hard bod, but he can only work, work, work. I can only work out, work out, work out. We still have no emotional relationship. Along comes my coworker of 7 years who I never thought of in the way of a lover and I make a decision..... I get caught kissing him at a x-mas party BY my hubby. Hubby gives him a good stomping before going home and having a breakdown. I break off the affair (hubby thinks it was only a kiss...nothing more). Hubby is weak and at the time he needs me the most, I have no feelings for him. Was it pent up anger? Maybe. Should I have even felt angry? I don't know. But I stay and I try to help him. We talk, we're close for months. He checks my phone, my computer, my dresser drawers. It drives me crazy even though I deserved it. Over the months he becomes smothering and questions everyday....of course...GOD who wouldn't? And all the while I'm still loving the other man. Still emailing, talking to, meeting at least once a month. It's been since x-mas of '03 that all of this has happened. In the last few months, I have been finding myself so in love with who I'm married to. He is absolutely beautiful. He is so good to me and attentive and he talks to me. He never used to speak to me. I am falling in love with him. So I've been really messed up inside. How can I love two men....and love them so differently? So I go cold turkey and tell the lover it's over. I want to make my marriage work. Like I said before.....alot of this I only know in hindsight. I feel like I spun out of control for so long and I can finally see past my own selfishness and take responsibility for those actions. I feel relieved, but I miss that person I have to admit...at least the part I knew. So the advice I know I will take immediately is counceling....my company does have a program and I have easy access to them. It is confidential. The other is to take my vows again to myself or even in my husband's presense so that he can hear them...feel them. I will have no contact with the other person. The thing that's hard is inviting my hubby to counceling b/c he doesn't know I've had this sick problem. To tell him there was something wrong would be shocking even at the most basic level....but that's another step I will take. I have to. My god. I had no idea there were people out there who were willing to talk so openly either to help or slaughter me. So glad I found the site.

Original Poster here. I am very grateful for each post I've read and I've read them all. I wish I could take the time to write every thought I've ever had regarding this situation and every step I've taken (right or wrong). The thing is I have taken the fist step down the path I've chosen to go...ending it. Now I'm trying to figure out what the next one is and how I want to do it. I will not shatter this marriage. I will not shatter my kids. I will not tell him what I've done. What I'm asking for is advice based on those facts. I do not want to unload what I've done on him. I KNOW this is not giving him an option. I want to be with this man. I want to make the changes necessary to really BE with him and be a better role model for my children. I've been with him since I was 18 years old. Do you think I don't know what I've done? Of course you think that...you don't know who I am. You know I'm a cheater and that's all you know. I got sick of that lie. My husband and kids need me to be what I'm supposed to be....their mother...his wife...honest...faithful. I didn't just cheat on my husband. I cheated on them all. God, I wish I had more time to spend in here. I'm moving forward. PLEASE...PLEASE talk to me about THAT....I already know I'm scum. But I'm strong and I'm committed and I won't beat myself up forever. That will never be productive.

Signing off for now after my first post on the internet - EVER. To those of you who were kind and gentle....Thank you. To those of you who gave me a good "talking to"...thank you as much. When no one knows what you've done, you get no advice, no direction, no slap in the face, and definitely no divorce. God, do I have a hell of a path in front of me and an even worse one behind me. Thanks for listening. Good night.

I thought about that.....the part about not really knowing this man. I see only the good side. I don't see what his wife sees. I don't see all the things that I love about my own husband that some might find repulsive. You know the morning breath, funny dancing, nasty noises. All the things we laugh about behind closed doors with the people we are most comfortable with. I was bored maybe....being alone alot. I have a very fast-paced job, two kids, busy life. God, NORMAL life...except this. Things have changed in two years. Hubby stopped working so much...for me. Hubby got rid of race car....for me.....Hubby did SO much for me. I need to give back. I need to find what I'm supposed to give back. He deserves more than me. So I'm not sure if I'm it. And how do I stop fantasizing about another. It was TWO years. That's hard to get over. I WANT to.

I don't know how I'd feel if he cheated. I'm so caught up in my own world and I have been two years. I've been selfish. I don't have EXCUSES about why I did it. I do have reasons and those reasons are only based on what I see in hindsight. Two years ago I had no idea why I began this. Now...I think this...my husband was a very hard worker......7am -11:30 pm Monday thru Fri. Sat and Sun he did odd jobs for friends for YEARS. I begged him to stay home with me...be with me....love me. He wasn't open to that...he wasn't emotional. Then this. A flirt here, there. Before I knew it I was talking, flirting, spending time with another man. Then came a deep friendship and more....... Christmas '03......party.....hubby walks in and catches me kissing this man. It crushed him. I tried then to break it off and take care of my husband. It was too late....or so I thought then. I was in love and so was he. So I eased off of the affair and did the best that I could then (granted I could have done MUCH better) to help my husband through it. He stayed with me. How could I not stop the affair then? But I didn't. It kept going and it got deeper. My husband changed drastically. Became so loving, but so smothering. Here's the bottom line. I love this other man...the passionate, sexual, connected kind of love. I love my husband...the comfortable, sweet, can't be without you kind of love. I want both of those loves with my husband...that's what I want and need. But god, I'd be lying right now if I said I didn't choose the other if it were easier. I need to reconnect. I KNOW what I did was wrong. Why in the world would I WANT to tell him? So that I could feel better and he could feel worse??? The BEST reason I've seen on this site is so that HE would have a choice in the matter...to leave...or to stay. Maybe that will help me do it. I don't know. But unless, you've been where I am, you'll never know what I've been through, who I am, or what I'm capable of.....good or bad.

I've been married for nearly 13 years. I thought happily. Until 2 years ago when I began an extremely emotional and physical affair with a coworker. I finally decided to break it off. My husband never deserved that and neither did the wife of the man I fell in love with. Why am I writing? Because I am so damn sad. I consider this sadness my punishment for what I have done. I set myself up for this fall. Now I know I have to take it. I'm not sad for what I have done. I'm sad b/c I miss the person I have fallen in love with....and that is the very reason I broke it off....I fell in love so hard. I'm obviously not trustworthy or loyal or any of those things. I thought I was until this. I want to get my marriage back with truth and honesty, but I cannot tell him what I've done. It would only serve to hurt him. If I felt like I could tell him, I'd rather do that and be with the person I'm so in love with. But I know if that ever happened, we'd have major trust issues down the road. We both know we are capable of affairs. I just love him so. How do I let him go? How do I learn to feel that way about the man I'm married to? Has ANYONE ever been through this? God, if you are the victom of something like this, I'm so sorry for you. I can't change how I feel though. I love a man who has a wife and I am a woman who has a husband. I'm sad. My punishment should be more severe I'm sure. I want to do what's right.