Why am I always the nice guy?

[Caldus]

^ Yup, of course. BE confident. I guess I was just telling spatzcolumbo what happens when you have those other traits. To other women, you look more confident (and of course having those traits would make you more confident in the inside).

[michelemybell]

Shysoul, I like your way of thinking! I loved what you said: "People need to shift their views, the nice guys are the ones with confidence who win out. The jerks are the whimpy, pathetic losers who suffer far more then most realize."

As someone who dated and liked bad boys, but married a great GOOD guy, I concur with you.

Just to add another thing to the discussion:

Speaking from experience, the time I dated/liked the bad boys, I had little to no self-esteem and didn't feel that great about myself. I really didn't have much going for me except the way I look. I met my now husband when I had my life together. And I think it reflected in my choice of guys depending on how I felt about myself at the time. When I was healthier, I made healthier choices. I wholeheartedly believe in the saying "Water seeks its own level". So, good guys should stay that way--You'll get more QUALITY women. The jerk guys dont. Trust me on this!

[ShySoul]

Does having those traits make you confident, or does being confidence manifest itself in those traits? It's the chicken or the egg. Man, sometimes I don't even know where I get these questions.

 

Your defining them as other traits, I'm already including them as a given. The way I see it there is no need for edge because what your saying makes someone edgy is already covered. It strikes me as making the mistake that nice guys don't already have these qualities, that they are whimps who don't stand up for themselves. But thats not a true nice guy.

[Caldus]

Does having those traits make you confident, or does being confidence manifest itself in those traits? It's the chicken or the egg. Man, sometimes I don't even know where I get these questions.

 

Your defining them as other traits, I'm already including them as a given. The way I see it there is no need for edge because what your saying makes someone edgy is already covered. It strikes me as making the mistake that nice guys don't already have these qualities, that they are whimps who don't stand up for themselves. But thats not a true nice guy.

 

If all you got going for you is being nice all the time, then you may still get girls. But a lot more girls will notice you if you convey an "edge" like we described. It's nothing bad at all. Really what I should be saying is that you simply have some sort of personality. Which most guys will probably have already. It's just a matter of letting your personality shine around other people. That is, whether your personality is one that conveys intelligence, wit, charisma, and so on.

 

The point here is to make yourself stand out. Give her a reason to want you instead of the other nice guy. You know? Show that your personality is better than the other guy's. And so on.

[ShySoul]

If all you got going for you is being nice all the time, then you may still get girls. But a lot more girls will notice you if you convey an "edge" like we described. It's nothing bad at all.

 

Does it matter how many girls notice you? If dozens of girls notice you but none work out, then aren't you still in the same position as someone who only has a few girls notice them? Isn't it quality over quantity? I'd rather only a few girls notice me but one of them lead me to the love I've always wanted. Do it once, do it right, never do it again.

 

It's just a matter of letting your personality shine around other people. That is, whether your personality is one that conveys intelligence, wit, charisma, and so on.

 

So, in other words, be yourself? And if my or someone elses personality is one of remarkable niceness and sincerity, then thats what we should let shine. Don't need to add anything, its all there. It's all part of the package, which includes wit, charisma, and intelligence. The niceness and sincerity are just the icing on the cake that pushes you over the edge.

 

The point here is to make yourself stand out. Give her a reason to want you instead of the other nice guy. You know? Show that your personality is better than the other guy's. And so on.

 

And in being they nice guy who is always there for her and makes her smile, that sets me apart from the crowd. Fact is, real nice guys aren't easy to find. So in being one I'm already setting myself apart. Then you tailor things to fit her. You pay attention to what she says, really listens. You then take that and use it to do something that makes her feel special. In doing so you are setting yourself apart from everyone, nice guy or not. The other nice guys aren't the ones listening to her or using your minimal artistic skills to create a collage of the things you've done together. You are. It's not showing your personality is better, its showing that you care more then anyone else.

 

Speaking from experience, the time I dated/liked the bad boys, I had little to no self-esteem and didn't feel that great about myself. I really didn't have much going for me except the way I look. I met my now husband when I had my life together. And I think it reflected in my choice of guys depending on how I felt about myself at the time. When I was healthier, I made healthier choices. I wholeheartedly believe in the saying "Water seeks its own level". So, good guys should stay that way--You'll get more QUALITY women. The jerk guys dont. Trust me on this!

 

Thanks michelemybell, glad everything worked out for you. I agree, quality over quantity any day.

[Caldus]

ShySoul, all I'm trying to convey is that there is a difference between having a great personality and showing that great personality. Some nice guys don't show it which is why they get screwed over. They get too shy and freeze up around people for example. Plus many guys don't even bother approaching women enough to increase their chances in the first place. I think all of that stuff I said earlier came out wrong. I should replace "edge" with "letting your personality shine".

[ShySoul]

Thats not nice though, that's shy which is an entirely separate issue. Nice guy/shy guy may overlap at times but its not the same thing. And approaching women doesn't necessarily improves you chances either. All you have to do is live your life normally. Being nice will get you many an acquantiance and put you on friendly terms with just about everyone. From there the girls will come to you. All you have to do is be able to speak to them. At least that's whats happening to me. And if girls can become interested in me without me approaching them, it can work for anyone.

[caasiopia68]

being the nice guy isnt always a bad thing... most girls want guys who are conciderate(nice) care about them(nice) and usually nice means kind of more on the feminane side but hey girls need guys they can talk to and relate to... im a soft guy i would say (certainly not gay or bi) but girls like me because im really into them and thats mostly what girls want...

[Caldus]

Thats not nice though, that's shy which is an entirely separate issue. Nice guy/shy guy may overlap at times but its not the same thing. And approaching women doesn't necessarily improves you chances either. All you have to do is live your life normally. Being nice will get you many an acquantiance and put you on friendly terms with just about everyone. From there the girls will come to you. All you have to do is be able to speak to them. At least that's whats happening to me. And if girls can become interested in me without me approaching them, it can work for anyone.

 

Yup. I was just pointing out an example of how a nice guy could still get screwed over, thus implying another variable into the equation of guaranteed success. I know shyness is a completely different subject but let's face it, most shy guys will not get what they want because they won't go for it even if they have the coolest personality. You're absolutely right though. Being nice and respectful is key for forming any kinds of relationships in life. And you're pretty lucky if you got women approaching you without even approaching them. Guys usually have to do the chasing as far as I know.

[ShySoul]

Nice guys can still get screwed over, but generally it isn't of their own doing. People don't generally complain about someone doing something nice, and if they do its probably because of their own insecurities and issues. The other factor is compatability. Being nice won't matter if the two of you don't have much in common or simpy aren't right for each other. But that doesn't have anything to do with the nice guy, it simple wasn't meant to be.

 

The shy guys who don't go for it and don't get what they are after, there problem isn't in being shy it's in buying into the view that shyness is bad and a problem. Because they get bombarded with this image they see themselves in a negative light and that freezes them. But if they learn that shyness is perfectly fine and a good thing, that increases confidence and helps. They learn not to let fear control them, for it isn't the shyness that causes problems, it is the fear that others won't like or understand you because you are shy. In overcoming the fear, you stay shy but still get what your after.

 

Shh... I'll let you in on a little secret. Chasing someone is highly overrated. Get down to business. Instead of toying around, dancing around the subject, go all in.

 

And don't tell me you've never noticed a shy girl in the corner who keeps to herself. Those girls are cute and often turn out to be the best girls around. Plenty of girls see that in shy guys. So being shy has plenty of perks to it.

[Tigris]

Well done shy soul that's exactly what a girl wants! Also well done Caasiopia!

 

The girl isn't ready for a new relationship yet. I suggest that you're still there for her, phone and email most of the time but reduce the physical side. This way you aren't used as a comfort blanket.

 

Good Luck

[The_Doc]

intersting that the overwhelming number of posts on this subject have been from guys.

 

Makes you wonder if the Gals are being quiet on purpose! LOL

 

Come on Gals be honest -- nice guys or bad boys?

[ShySoul]

The reason its mostly guys responding is because girls don't have a problem with a nice guy, they actually like them. The guys who complain about girls not going for nice guys tend to be the ones who are frustrated or bitter and use this topic as an excuse to vent their anger. Then the real nice guys speak up and say otherwise since they don't like hearing people making false assumptions about them and cause they know the truth.

 

If you look at the responses from women on any of these nice guy topics, almost all of them say the nice guys. Of course, the bitter guys just assume they are lying, but then thats their problem, isn't it?

[mshollywod]

mshollywod: Why don't I have a girlfriend? Because you haven't agreed to go out with me yet. Seriously, it won't be long, trust me... and being nice is what's making it all possible.

 

Well to be honest with you ShySoul if you lived in Chicago, I would definitely date you. At 22, you have more common sense than some of the guys in my age group. You have the right concept of what a woman is looking for and needs. Good luck! By the way...what changes in 3 days?

 

As a female..I can honestly say for some strange reason women like men who treats them like &%$$. I for one can't stand bad boys. I truly like nice guys with a sense of adventure and whom are witty. Which trust me you can find in a "nice guy" I should Know.

 

But unfortunately for me all I seem to meet and worst attract are bad boys who couldn't grasp the concept of treating a woman well if you handed them a detailed "how to" book.

[ShySoul]

Looks like I better hop a plane and head out to Chicago.

 

Girls don't like guys like that, its age and maturity basically. They think that while they are young they need to be living it up and being wild. Thus bad boys appeal because they give off a dangerous vibe. Plus bad boys can be good manupulators and play off of women's emotions, telling them all the things they want to hear even while doing the opposite. That leaves women torn and many aren't strong enough yet to tell these guys to get lost. Add in the idea and women think they can change the guy, since women are more nurturing, and the whole bad boy thing is easy to explain. But eventually the women wake up and see what they should have known all along. Nice guys and good girls face the same problem, wading through all the bad ones to find the good ones.

[mshollywod]

How cute that you are quoting Amy Grant!

[ShySoul]

Your the first person to recognize one of my quotes and comment on them. That means you win a prize. Do you want candy, flowers (both virtual of course) or I could sing the song to you? Take your pick.

 

Baby, baby...

[michelemybell]

You hit it right on the nail, Shysoul.

If anything, a woman might start out liking bad guys...but it gets old fast. And if she doesn't learn her lesson, she'll end up used up and feeling old really pretty quick.

I only had one experience that I dated a bad guy (the one I posted about previously in this thread). Last I heard he was on his upteenth relationship, has multiple children, takes drugs, unemployed and still lives with his mommy. He may be bad and get the babes (actually he gets women who have been around the block many times!), but no one respects him.

My sister ended up marrying a bad boy gone good. He told me about his experiences and said that ultimately he was very lonely when he was like that and very insecure. And he got cheated on quite often.

So yeah, the bad boys might be getting the chicks, but dont envy them. It's a pretty shallow life.

[mshollywod]

I'll take the virtual chocolates since I have no business eating real ones, lol!

[Caldus]

Looks like ShySoul is the pimp of the topic.

[asdf]

Sorry, but the nice guys people refer to here who can't get girls are in general just pushovers and let themselves get used as the shoulder to cry on, the backup plan, etc. The confident ones who respect themselves wouldn't let other people use them like this.

 

Fact is, if you really are a nice guy, you wouldn't complain, because being a "nice" guy is something that you choose. And if you decide to complain, you'd take it up front and tell the girl to her face. And you would also realise that it's their loss, and that the girl wasn't worth going out with if she didn't notice how great you were (if you really do believe you are that good a guy to have).

 

If you are a good guy and treat yourself with respect then in normal situations, you should have no problem finding a girlfriend if you want one.

[ShySoul]

Looks like ShySoul is the pimp of the topic.

 

Don't hate me because I'm a dating God.

 

Seriously, it amazes me that guys aren't listening to me... haven't they noticed the female support I get? Never a goal, never intended... it just happens.

 

Fact is, if you really are a nice guy, you wouldn't complain, because being a "nice" guy is something that you choose.

 

Some aren't the real nice guys. Others are just frustrated. Giving and giving without receiving in return is noble and good, yet it is also hard to deal with at times. In weaker moments its no wonder guys complain or get down. But perseverance pays off.

 

And its not like its easy to find the right person regardless of who you are. Timing and circumstances can work against you.

[alboy]

Seriously, it amazes me that guys aren't listening to me... haven't they noticed the female support I get? Never a goal, never intended... it just happens.

 

Of course girls fully want a nice guy. Girls won't say they want some guy to treat them like dirt. They just don't realize that's what they gravitate towards to. And sometimes they still fall for them and you wonder why. And other girls would think that they'll never be that dumb to fall for such a jerk. Because those girls who fall for the jerk are normal people too and originally didn't think it would happen to them either.

[Tigris]

WELL DONE SHYSOUL, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

 

Alboy listen to his wisdom!

 

Eventually, a bad boys' true character surfaces. Lots of them end up being violent or abusive to the girls. Do you really think that's what we want?

 

Some girls will continue going out with bad guys even though they've learnt their lesson in the past. It can become an addiction!

 

My advice to you is keep seeing her. Yes, she still has feelings for her ex at present, but the more she sees you she'll realise what a 'good catch' you are!

 

Good Luck

[ShySoul]

Of course, the bitter guys just assume they are lying, but then thats their problem, isn't it?

 

alboy, read through all of my posts. I explained precisely why girls can go for bad boys and what ultimately happens. This got agreement from the women. It's all remarkable simple, and any one can fall into it. The key is how long it takes women to realize they are strong and can resist the lure, that they don't need it. Some don't fall into that trap to begin with, some learn quickly, others take awhile.

 

Some girls will continue going out with bad guys even though they've learnt their lesson in the past. It can become an addiction!

 

My advice to you is keep seeing her. Yes, she still has feelings for her ex at present, but the more she sees you she'll realise what a 'good catch' you are!

 

The addiction thing goes partly to the trying to change the guy, or because they still haven't fully learned their lesson. It's like the alcoholic or drug user falling into old habits because its easier then facing the truth.

 

Keep seeing her. That's an advantage the nice guy has. No matter who else hurts her, you are always there to comfort. You care about her and would never do something to hurt her. Eventually girls wake up to that and realize what they want has been there all along.