No commitment??

[laclarita]

I broke up with my b/f a few weeks ago and now he doesn't want to "commit" to a relationship but he wants to keep having sex and hanging out. Basically, the same thing as before but clearly without any "obligations" or "commitments".

 

I honestly don't know what to think. What does this really mean? He says he isn't going to have sex with more than one person and won't be going on dates with anyone. But it makes me feel even more anxious because I like to feel secure and this makes me feel very insecure.

 

What do I do? Should I just wait it out? I don't want to "rock the boat" too much as it's been pretty rocky already and I don't want to capsize it, but I love him a lot and just don't want to be hurt. Should I be assuming that there is more to the picture than it seems? He seems to be much more honest than the average joe about these things, so he doesn't seem misleading, but I know he isn't 100% honest about everything, just abou 98.5% or something.

 

 

[Reilly2856]

Honest or not, sex without the relationship going anywhere is pointless in the long run. Though in the end, it depends on you. I know you love him a lot, but not committing gives him the chance (1% or less...if he's so honest) to cheat on you.....and you won't have anyway to call him up on it b/c he'll just say "we aren't in a relatiionshiip." If you want a relationship, then tell him so....if it "rocks the boat" then it's better done now before you get more emotionally involved. Why waste your time with someone who will never commit?

[Mun]

This is a really nice way to get all the benefits of having a gf.. without really having one. How convenient for him...and for you if that is what you want.

 

But you don't want that and you have a right to ask for what you want. If he does not give it to you then you owe it to yourself to walk away and find someone that WILL be as committed to you as you want to be to him. I know you love him...but this is one of those times where you have to decide if your love for him is worth putting your principles aside.

 

If he is not going to date anyone else, and is not going to have sex with anyone else...then why can't he be your bf?

 

I would imagine that even if he is upset that you say no... in the long run he would respect you for it. But most important... you would respect yourself.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Why did you break up with him in the first place?

[RayKay]

Ugh, honestly, I would walk away from this sweetie.

 

He may be a "honest guy" but this is not a very good situation to get yourself into I can tell you right now. I don't think he even understands what a cruel, painful situation this would be putting you in. Don't let yourself go there.

 

This arrangment would be fine if it is all you wanted, but my guess is you DO want commitment from him and a healthy relationship...and sweetie you do deserve that. Letting him sleep with you with no commitment will NOT produce that end result...you need to put your respect and love for yourself first and walk away.

 

He gets all the benefits of a girlfriend without having to really give up much on his part. He may not sleep with anyone else, or date anyone else, but I guarantee he is keeping his options open and if he meets someone else, you will be extremely hurt, never mind you will always be wondering what he is up to when he is not with you and so on.

 

Never deny your own needs and desires sweetie...in other words don't sacrifice your need to have a commitment to keep him happy..you will only feel worse in the end. If he does not want to be in a relationship with you, then walk away....you deserve someone who wants you all to themself and would not risk losing you!

 

I know it is tempting as you love him...but you need to love yourself first, and this situation will only hurt you more everyday. Cutting it off clean hurts too, but you will leave with your respect, love, and self esteem. And an opportunity to meet someone who will give you everything you need and want to commit to you.

[laclarita]

Yeah- I wrote him an email this morning saying that I love him and want commitment and if he doesn't want that, then lets stop having sex and stop confusing things and just be friends. Honestly, I think I could make a transition to friendship with him all right and would like to still see him every now and then and I'd be o.k. with that (well, it'd be initially painful, but like you are saying in the long run, less painful). He thinks I'm being possessive and that every relationship comes with insecurity, but still, it is a dramatic shift from the way things were before.

 

I don't think it's that he wants to be with someone else, but he is very sexual and is curious about sex in general. He is VERY good looking and always gets women hitting on him, but he doesn't even respond to it... He is very shy.

[Day_Walker]

It sounds like you already made up your mind about the situation but what you need to do is keep in mind what you want and dont get suckered into something that you dont want. The choice is your and if you fall back into having sex with him then you cant blame anyone but yourself.