Long term relationship necessities

[darklich14]

I'm finally over the emotional ups and downs from the breakup with my ex. I have no idea why she decided to break up with me, but since she has, she's gone nuts and started drinking and going out to parties, and being really liberal (things she used to never even consider, even before we ever got together). So this adds kind of a haze to the reason she broke up with me, and I have no idea what's up in her head, as she refuses to talk to me. But we were together for three and a half years, and we're both in college, unable to get married, realistically, so I was basically at the point where I wanted to propose to her and get engaged and whatnot.

 

Anyway, my real question is this: What is the singlemost important trait to include in a relationship of a lifelong duration? I tend to think it's commitment and determination above all else, but right now, my ex thinks she's gonna meet the "perfect person" for her, which is something I went through for a little while, but soon found out that there's no such thing. And her philosophy right now is to just live for the moment and do what makes you happy right then. And I have a strong feeling that the reason there are so many divorces, so many premarital babies, etc. is all because of a liberal attitude about relationships these days. So what do you guys think about it all? It irks me and I don't know if I'm 'not alone' here!!

[DN]

The most important trait in a relationship is that each partner thinks of the other person's wellbeing - not exclusively but as a definite and consistent priority.

[fate or freewill]

Sounds to me like she just wants some time and space to do her thing, you guys were together for over three years and you are still young and in college, so this is the time to do it.

 

So now you know what's going on in her head. Move on and do your own thing as well.

 

As far as what traits help a relationship last, it must be multifaceted answer and not just a single trait:

 

* Equal desire for the relationship

* Shared values

* Sexual, emotional and intellectual connections

[studygirl]

There is no easy answer to that question. For a lifelong commitment, I think there needs to be a connection on so many different levels, as well as a willingness to accept the changes that your partner goes through over the course of life. Additionally, both parties must be on the same page with regards to commitment and communication. But then again, you can't choose who you fall in love with or DON"T fall in love with. Love is so confusing.

[heloladies21]

Yes friend, I actually used to feel the same way as you. I think it's the idealistic view we attach to out first loves that makes the relationship seem like such a sacred bond. Relationships are very fragile, but I didn't make the rules, I just play by them. It's best to accept the playing field and do the best with what you've got rather than speculate about why things are the way they are. Same thing is true about how it's the guys job to always initiate with a girl. No sense in complaining, it's just the way it is.

 

But we've all seen chicks go nuts like this. My 1st girlfriend did and I have a feeling my recent ex has too, but I have no way or desire to verify that. We've even seen it in pop culture too! Remember when Brittany Spears and Christina Aguilerra were the posterchilds of the squeaky clean pop movement of the late 90's and early 2000's? Then all of a sudden both of them just snapped and started going out and getting drunk and partying and promoting all this sexuality and stuff (which I found much more entertaining to say the least LOL!) There's no explanation for it. Just do like my buddy Timberlake did and start bein the mack daddy and pimp it with some of the best looking women in hollywood and you'll be just fine.

 

I know everyone on this board is going to make fun of me for the pop culture references. Please proceed 8)

[darklich14]

heh, I really don't like most of the culture in america. 90%+ of it is just a load of junk. But I don't make it. I just ignore it, kinda like how heloladies21 is with the 'rules'. Anyway, you all have a lot of good points, but is it not commitment more than anything that just... well, makes it really LAST? I know all of those other things are important, but will it ever last without a commitment? I just don't get that part of it. And even when some people commit, they give up. Why do people behave the ways they do?

[JynX]

In my experience, people lose sight of what they went into the relationship for, get sidetracked by something else, and simply give up. Giving up is the easy way out, and sadly, most people would rather take that instead of go thorugh some hard times and trying to make things work. I can't fully answer your question on why people behave the way they do, because I am still trying to figure that one out myself. People are probably the greatest mystery this world has ever come accross, because even we dont know why we do some things. Part of our human nature, I suppose. Time also changes feelings. For some couples it makes them stronger, others it tears apart. There really isnt a specific answer you can get on that. Will it ever last without a commitment? No. Well I suppose it could if there is no emotional attatchment and you're just friends with benefits or something along those lines, then sure, it can last for a while. But in any other case, no commitment means no trust...and thats a #1 relationship doom signal.

[melrich]

Hi,

 

According to research recently published, the single biggest reason relationships break up (marriages or otherwise) is that one person in the relationship wants to look for, or be with someone "better".

 

The "soulmate".

 

The same research found that for every person on the planet there were potentially 1786 soulmates that could pass somewhere within their sphere of influence at some point in their lives.

 

The key to a long term relationship is compromise. First in terms of who you will ultimately settle for and secondly in terms of how you will work to stay together. Because long term relationships need a lot of work and are a never ending series of compromises.