Dedicated boyfriend... and moving! (long, sorry...)

[Shabby]

I just need some help... I don't know how to help a rather sensitive situation I happen to be in.

 

Basic situation is that my current boyfriend, Bryan, and I have been going out for two months now. We also went out for six months last summer. I backed out of the relationship after the six months to date other people because of a committment scare, had a bad experience in the lapsed six months, realized I had made a stupid mistake, and went running with my tail between my legs back to Bryan - who had been hardly coping with me leaving him that entire time.

 

Of course he was only too happy to have me back, and I was eternally grateful he'd put up with my stupid and immature actions which I had regretted almost 100% of the time I wasn't with him. Bryan and I are perfectly, WEIRDLY compatible - the only person I know in my life that I can be completely myself, say anything I feel... we just have a total groove going on. One of those things where we end up saying the same thing all the time, or speak the other's mind, or whatever. We both enjoy doing the same things... on and on... all our friends call us the perfect couple. We are almost always together when we can be. We never - NEVER - fight about anything, not even disagree, and that's because we're willing to give and take, not because we have a passive-aggressive balance going.

 

Only problem - I am 19 and he's 17 (we're actually 1.5 years apart). I really don't care, neither does he, we're fine... but of course at this age, we ARE at different points in our lives. He is starting his senior year of high school in September - I'm going to my first year of university (took a year off school, I should be in second.)

 

This is our challenge. I'm moving away from home and into residence at my school which is a really crappy highway 1.5 hour drive away. It COULD be OK for a day's visit, but the drive there and back is horrible depending on traffic and is almost undoable at certain times of day in certain directions. Bryan is taking this all incredibly (though not unexpectedly) hard. I was hesitant about getting into a serious relationship this close to going away to school for this very reason. I told him when we agreed to get back together that we'd be dealing with this, and he said we'd cross that bridge when we came to it, which sounded good to me at that point. It's getting to bridge time in about a month, though...

 

I feel that he's been rushing our relationship committment and emotion wise because of the "time-limit" we have. Just in the last month he's been bringing up marriage (not for now, in a long term goal sense) and has even gotten all sensitive about babies which was brought on by a family member having one and him getting to hold one for the first time... he's doing the "so what're our kids names going to be" and the whole deal.

 

Normally all this would make me wickedly, wickedly insecure and freaked right out, but I find myself oddly content and even looking forward to these events in theory. That in itself makes me uneasy and I'm suspecting that I'm doing that in order to try and maintain some sort of long term order/goal in my life, since this home to university phase is so uncertain and different.

 

Today I had to get a bunch of stuff organized and it required me actually trekking out to the uni itself, and I want to get Bryan involved in this, so I invited him along (plus, I'd love his company.) He got the day off work on very short notice and off we went. Day was fine and fun, minus one hour right in the middle where I noticed he was distant and clearly thinking about the move away. Late that night when we were back at his house, he brought it back up again, and he ended up sobbing for an hour... he didn't want me going, and although he wouldn't SAY it straight out he eluded to an issue that he's worried I'll find someone else.

 

I had no idea what to say to him. I tried to reassure him, but I can only do so much when I'm unsure myself. All I know is that I don't think I'm at a point in my life where I can settle with ANYONE, no matter how perfect they seem, purely based on a "what if?" nature - that, and that I've only had relationships with two other guys total in my life, and I don't think I'm mature enough in that way to know what I'm looking for. I'm still at a point where I want to go out and have fun and party it up. He, on the other hand, has only EVER had me as a girlfriend. I'd like more for him to see what he is or is not missing... but... I got to thinking, if he ever saw some other girl... I'd have to make a dedicated effort NOT to eat her entire face off.

 

I was texting him after I'd gone home, and eventually he sent "You're absolutely perfect and flawless for me! I think we're perfect together! Lets try really hard to make this work, cuz if we can make it thru this, baby we can make it thru anything including marriage! I guess u could say its a good test of our love!" Now, that is sweet and awesome and confident about us together... it's almost making me feel PRE guilty for even thinking about how it may not work, or even how we may take another break through this because it may just be too hard.

 

I really don't know how things will be when I am at school (ie how often we will see each other, how many people I'll meet, whatever) so I know no one, including me, can tell me where this is going. I do NOT know what to say to him right now, though. I can't say "don't worry we'll work through this no matter what" because god, who knows, maybe it won't? I do NOT want to mess him around again, he is an amazing guy who deserves better treatment.

 

I guess I'm just asking for feedback or something... I don't even know anymore!

[HajiMaji]

Hes very attached to a future with you. You arent attached. I completey understand why you are feeling pre guilty. Lets figure this out. I say tell him how much you like him and you guys are just going to have to see where it goes. It hurts to think about the future and the relationship suffereing because of the distance, but you two are going to just have to go with the flow. Its your only choice.

 

I think you should try to figure out what you want from this guy right now. Do you want to be exclusive over the next semmester? Do you want to see other guys?

[Shabby]

I've been trying to tell him that I really care for him, he'll never be "replaced". We promised each other when we got back together that if things didn't work out, we'd still be friends - and I think it'd actually work with him, unlike most relationships where the "let's still be friends" thing fails miserably.

 

I think he just wants me to tell him everything will be fine, it'll all work out and we'll be happy couple forever, which I certainly am not going to do. As for exclusivity, I'm going to give it a go, but I am 99.9% sure it won't work out. I'm definitely going to meet other people and in my opinion, if Bryan and I are meant to be together, I'll only see that they aren't better than him in my mind it'll strengthen our relationship together because I'll feel more committed to him. He doesn't see that. For example, message left for me this morning...

 

"The thing that scares me the most is that you'll find someone else there! then i cant visit u & u'll never ever have time for me! Like the long distance thing, i can handle. But please, please make this work! your my favourite person in the world & i cant lose you again!

I dont want there to be another [guy who I broke up with him for] incident w/ me not being able to see/talk to you! & to even think of u w/ someone else, breaks my heart! I dont wanna lose you, it scares the [bleep] out of me! I saw ppl staring at u yesterday, & u could be with anyone you want. I cant lose u sweetie!"

 

argh.

[RayKay]

Rest assured you are both completely normal, but both in very different places in your lives, which means you are just not in the same place when it comes to the relationship. He is ready to commit (or rather should say THINKS he is ready) and you are not.

 

I remember very well being in your situation, of being young, starting university, and my boyfriend was going to take an extra year to graduate due to grades. You know, I did love him...I had been with him 2.5 years through some rough stuff, but I could not say I was going to marry him...I was only 18! I knew my whole life was still ahead and I was not ready for those decisions yet, I had to find myself first before I knew I could give myself entirely to someone else as well.

 

I had to break it off, he wanted to get back together, as a trial....and we did briefly, but I just could not do it. He was wonderful, but I had felt we were too different, and there were some things missing...I feel terrible I hurt him, and I really hope he is doing well these days. He was a good hearted person, most definitely.

 

I don't regret the decision I made for ME though (just way I did it..) as I am NOT the same person I was then anymore, you will change and grow a lot in next while, and learn more about yourself, the world, relationships, people. And about "the one" for you.

 

I would say don't lead him on...don't cheat on him though either. Talk about how things will go when you leave, about if you will keep in touch, but if you have doubts or feel the need to be single, free and experience your life, then end things with him respectfully before you do anything with anyone else...do not make promises of marriage, a picket fence, a border collie and 2.1 children if in your heart and mind you are not sure yet. It will hurt to tell him you are still not sure yet...but it would hurt him MORE to tell him all that then take it all back.

 

You are BOTH young, it is completely normal to not want to settle down yet, and while he may be crushed, also he is young too, and will heal. His feelings may change as well sooner than you think....it is hard to say....but don't lead him on, be honest, communicate...it hurts, but is better for BOTH of you in the long run.

[saltwatergirl]

I've been trying to tell him that I really care for him, he'll never be "replaced".

 

**Why would you make a statement like this to someone that you aren't committed to?

 

 

As for exclusivity, I'm going to give it a go, but I am 99.9% sure it won't work out.

 

**If that's the case, don't "give it a go", you've already decided it will fail.

 

I'm definitely going to meet other people and in my opinion, if Bryan and I are meant to be together, I'll only see that they aren't better than him in my mind it'll strengthen our relationship together because I'll feel more committed to him.

 

**Sorry, I'm calling BS on that one.

 

argh.

 

***Yes, argh.

 

Time to have the talk with him. be gentle, be honest, and then walk away.

You aren't doing him any favors by being decietful.

 

Salt

[btbt]

1.5 hours away -- that's nothing. If you guys really mean something to each other, this short distance (and traffic) can be tolerated.

 

The bigger issue is that you are rightly seeing that you are entering a new world which might change the way you think about things and your current boyfriend (this is not a question of age, but of stage of life). You can discuss all these things with him, but you can't expect him to say, sure I'll let you explore and you can hang on to me in the meantime. He might be willing to do that, but it's not fair to him or yourself (it will muddy what you want). You have to make a hard choice. It's not black or white, and you can take the time to work things through.