Please help...dont know what to do - Lost spark

[aries]

Please advise...men & women welcome to comment:

 

I am 28 years old. My G/F is 29. For a long time now I have been having doubts about us. We have been together for 3 1/2 years. I care about her very much and I know she loves me to death...she puts up with me...she must The thing is that I dont feel like we really have romantic chemistry. She is my best friend, and I trust her with anything; yet I cant confidently say that she is my lover. I am very sexual and she is not. I have spoken to her twice about this in the past and we tried to work on it. But it always goes back to the same old thing. When we do have relations....its more just to get to the end and thats it. Im very experimental, and like to have fun at it. She isnt. It is always such a dissappointment for me. I would ask her what she likes...or what she would have me do to make it enjoyable for her...but she either says she doesnt know....or that everything is fine. She would tell me that sex isnt the most important thing in a relationship and I tried to buy into that for a long time. But now I feel that it is JUST AS important as all of the other factors such as trust and friendship. I am at the point where I dont really feel connected to her and look at other women CONSTANTLY. I am approached by, or complimented by women all the time. Yet I stay with her cause I love her. I just dont feel as though I am getting what I need. What do you guys/gals think? Obviously a strong lasting relationship is more than just love alone. If I do decide to break up with her....I dont know how to say it/ bring it up. I REALLY DONT want to hurt her. I also dont want to let her go. I will miss her as I have grown so much since I have know her; in many ways. We hardly ever argue & financially we see eye to eye. There just isnt any spark. I know if I mention a split....it will hit her hard cause i dont think she sees anything wrong. this has been killing me for a long time now. Any mature suggestions, thoughts or personal experiences? Please help me find my way.

[loveydovey]

Well the thing that sort of stood out to me is when you say 'it will hit her hard because you don't think she sees anything as wrong'. So does that mean you havent told her? And I mean really tell her. I suggest picking a time and atmosphere that allows you to be honest, sincere, and thorough in expressing to her what you're thinking/feeling. Let her know just how important she is, intimacy is, and intimacy with her is. And, hopefully, she's see it a little differently. HTH

[Diesel69]

Hi mate...

 

Sounds like you're In a bit of a pickle… I am 28 years old and have had my fair share of relationships.

 

What I have come to learn is that sex is about 60% of what a man needs. It is such a huge part of a relation ship. Its where you bond on a deeper level and its giving of each other and is sacred between you both.

 

I was with a girl for a year and I loved her but she sounds like your girl… I didn't feel complete in the relation ship because she wasn't into sex.

 

I understand how you love her but unfortunately she can't give you what you need. Let it go and move on. Cherish and respect the love that you had and use it as a beacon to find someone more for you to make you complete. I hope this helps you.

[goddess23]

hey. hmm...tough issue (aries get bored easily sexually apparently, im an aries too lol) ANYWAYS lol its clear that this is not something that is just recently bothering you and when trying to fix the situation your partner isnt very enthusiastic. i mean i have a very small relation to this in the sense that even though there arent any actual issues but just when i ask my bf questions its always "i dunoo" or "its fine" and wow thats SO ANNOYING. i mean sometimes i think i would rather if the reply was negative! at least it would be an opinion! now considering your age its clear that this is probably a very serious relationship and a great one when it comes to the practical issues in life. so it is something you truly have to consider however i think its clear that you should AT LEAST SUGGEST A BREAK. dont tell her its because of that issue even though it is because frankly shes going to feel as if shes not satisfying you sexually (and i know thats sort of the truth but you have brought it up before so i just think leave that for now) and shes going to feel as if shes doing something WRONG SEXUALLY. which is not a good feeling for a girl, trust me! even with encouragement sometimes we can be very self conscious, its not just a guy thing. but suggest a break and say "we have been in this relationship for so long and its so comfortable, i love you very much but i need to find out if it has become the friendship love or if its romantic love." see what she says maybe she even feels like she needs to find out if this is right because you both are at the age where you're probably looking to settle down (just assuming) so talk about how you wanna find out if this is IT, if this is what you want and cannot live without. good luck!

[amour_13]

I do not think breaking up will help either of you. Do you want to chance losing her forever?

I agree with loveydovey, that should sit down and tell her EXACTLY HOW YOU FEEL AND EXACTLY HOW IMPORTANT a better sex life is. Just let her know that you dont want to be without her but you need a little more effort from her. She should understand and at least try to accommadate you if she does not... I guess you have to decide how important the relationship is in all the other aspects of life.

[caasiopia68]

i wouldnt mention a split, even if you totally arent sure... it will screw it all up... guys are more experimental and sexual than girls thats definitely true...

[goddess23]

sorry i just feel compelled to intervene. the idea that he should split that it will screw it all up. okay i agree you risk at losing something amazing however its CLEAR YOU'RE NOT HAPPY. and no matter how practical something is, it does not equal happiness. its better to address this issue now instead of when you're married and bored sexually. and this is not something you have never brought up, you could bring it up again but i think suggesting a break might be the best thing to do honestly.

[aries]

Well at this point......we have spoken about it previsously. As I said in the first post......It goes back to te same old thing.....rather quickly I might add. i feel like I have been holdig it in and not getting what I want for so long...that my feelings have changed. Please dont misunderstand....this isnt really about "SEX SEX SEX" but more about intimacy with each other. I have started to feel as if love isnt th only bond between two people. And that there my be aother better suited for me. I guess I sorta feel like I have already made a decision from with in. When we do become intimate....it isnt even exciting anymore. I almost feel like she doesnt know herself sexually, and theredfore cant tell me. I definitely feel as if I were to marry her.....and continue the way we are...I would DEF cheat on her eventually. I care about her....but the intimate connection is gone. I APPRECIATE EVERYONE'S MATURE THOUGHTS> I Think at this point I see myself being alone for a while and just working on ME. Now I know by me saying that ...someone is gonna say that maybethe problem is from within myself. That quite possibly may be part of it. Who knows. If I was to break up....how should I go about it? I just totally fear that she wil ust freak out right in front of me. I dont know if I can handle that knowing that I am hurting her. oh boy.

[aries]

UPDATE:

 

Well on friday evening....we broke up. I told her that i wasnt happy. She told me "well I hope you find the sex slave you want." That kind of makes me realize that she will never understand...because it wasnt about that AT ALL. I also never made it seem that way either. i just wanted intimacy that is usually found in a relationship. Even some passionate kissing or something. I feel so bad. I cared about her veery much and obviously still do. I guess I just need to let her go and let her find someone better suited for her. I will miss her ALOT. Havent spoken to her since the break up. Dont know if I should call her or not.

[goddess23]

im sad and hapy for you. because it was obvious that there were problems in this relatioships that were simply too difficult to overcome. it is better to let go and find someone who is better suited for you, and if you realize she is more then you could ask for who knows maybe you could give it antoher try. but personal advice: this relationship was serious and to truly move on you have to lose any hope of getting back together (i say this from experience). but best of luck and hopefully one day she will be able to realize the true reasons behind it. remember that it was a wonderful relatioship that has enriched you in many ways.

[aries]

Thanks goddess for the advice. We havent spoken on the phone or in person..but have emailed each other a couple of times. As far as she is saying...she thinks/ understands that we need to be apart right now as I may have issues that need to be worked on that may have affected how I felt about the realtionship as a whole. There are so many things that I want to work on and advance in. Maybe I'll figure out that the sexual aspect isnt important afterall. Says that some time apart would be good for us...and that whether we get back together or not.....it will b for the best. That makes me care about her even more. But it makes me so happy that we can communicate on friendly terms. She wil forever be in my heart...and my best friend. SHE IS A GREAT GIRL....we'll see waht the future holds for us.

 

What I've learned from this........You must love yourself before you can expect to love another - or be loved back.

 

"show up for your life"

[saltwatergirl]

You know, everyone in relationships has to compromise, make the other person happy when you can, and meet each other half way. She doesn't sound like she was willing to do any of that.

 

I think you did the right thing. Find someone you are more compatable with.

 

Salt

[aries]

Well now im all screwed up. I really love this girl....everything except the sex was great. I miss her so much. I dont know what to do. arrrrrrrrrggggggggg this sucks.

[aries]

So now im going crazy.........I broke up with her becasue i kept the sexual frustration inside for quite sometime. We have spoken about it before ....but would always revert back to the same old thing. Well its been a week now since we've broken up. I am going crazy. I miss her so much. She was such a great person and friend. Marriage material. the only thing lacking was the sex drive. I'm starting to wonder if i made a mistake. I spoke to her ysterday and she thinks that a break from each other would be good for us. Im so affraid now that she might find someone better and move on. I know that alot of her friends who are now married had broken up with their spouses during the dating stage for a significant amount of time and wound up getting back together eventually. I just dont know what to think right know. Good women are hard to find. She is one of the few. Im just wondering if sexual compatibility is really that important when you have everything else.

[RayKay]

It is normal to have these feelings of regret and "did I do the right thing" - you start to feel lonely and romanticize things. Go back and read your original posts. I just read this thread now, and what stands out for me is that you were unhappy with this aspect, and that you need to realize that it is not going to change. She may be marriage material, but do you want your sex life to be that way for another 50 years? Honestly?

 

Sex is NOT everything, but you know what, it IS important, for the reasons you mentioned yourself - intimacy, sharing pleasure, GIVING pleasure. I bet not only were you disastisfied sexually, but you also felt rejected, and like you were really missing out on creating that awesome bond, and intimacy with your partner, right? When you love someone, you want to be able to have that something special. It is very apparent she does not see the "big deal" and THAT is in itself a problem. When we are in a relationship, we also need to remember that just because we don't see the problem itself, we realize our partner DOES have an issue and we seek to correct it.

 

Sexual compatibility IS important, it is a glue that sometimes heals, that builds us, that brings us closer to one another. Honestly without it you have a roommate. She is probably a GREAT person, but so are you.

 

It is up to you what you want, but I am going to say be very careful of going back just because you are lonely and think you will never find someone more amazing who IS your sexual match. Remember how unhappy you were with the sex, and the fact that she seemed unwilling to work on it, or ignorant to your feelings of it, and determine whether you are ready to live that way the rest of your life.

[aries]

Thanks raykay......made very good points

[may55]

One thing too to point out too is that sounds like she was not understanding or even willing to talk about sex problems. She just shut down and got hurt.

 

How have you both resolved conflict before? I mean real conflict not just stupid things like chores or schedules. It may be that sex was just the catalyst for a bigger problem? Or not. Just guessing.

 

And be careful, if you are not fully sure you want her back, leave her alone. It is more selfish to string her along because you are not sure you want her gone or don't want her to find someone else than it is to let her go. And this probably will hurt you both.

 

I think that if you cannot express yourself sexually with your partner, than you are not truly intimate, and that your girlfriend was not comfortable with herself enough to be intimate with you. Sounds like there were some undercurrents that you may have not been aware of.

 

Regardless, good luck!

[apollocreed71]

As a man, I must say we are a bit more sexual than women. do not get me wrong women are very sexual. but if you take a deep look at it, everyone is different, even some men are not that much into sex. if you two are not sexually compatiable, than one of you would end up cheating, thats just reality. sex is a major part of a relationship.....if you really think about it, you probably love your parents with all your heart, talk, to them, etc,,, the same goes for your best friend,,,,,but would you have sex with them, probably not. so what really separates a relationship from a great friendship, sex.....thats just life. a relationship takes compromise, and if both parties cannot compromise, then it will not work for long.

 

i would opt for the no contact rule...but thats me.

[iamwhoiam]

i just read your thread and remember your post from january...when you were contemplating ending the relationship back then.

 

i had told you about my friend who was in a very similar situation with his long-term girlfriend.

 

they moved in together and tried to work it out for several months. like you, he loved her, trusted her-she was his best friend. but the spark, the romance, the passion, the sexual compatibility were all missing.

 

the longer he stayed in that situation, the more unhappy he became. he finally moved out and into his own abode. like you, he was questioning himself for some time. it was a risk and a scary step to leave such a "comfortable" place. they had been together almost 6 years.

 

but now that the dust has settled, he is RELIEVED. he is happy. he looks forward to meeting the person who is compatible with him in every way.

 

i know your wounds are fresh, but i definitely think you made the right decision. i'm sure she's a lovely girl, but both of you need to find the "right" person for each of you. hopefully, in time you can still be good friends. but for now, stay strong and good luck.

 

 

[aries]

Well its been a few weeks now....we spoke earlier in the week and she said she may or may not "date". I told her that was unacceptable to me if we were on a break....so we broke it off totally. Ive been doing pretty well until today. I really miss her sooooo much. I just dont know if i should call her. My friends say no.....but i just want to speak to her. What should I do?

 

By missing her I came to understand that I have done alot of things wrong. My attitude sucked. I dont know if i should just move on or do whatever i can to get her back. Im hurting.