Concerned friend- is this normal for a 21 year old?

[hotchkiss003]

I'm really worried about one of my friends of 15 years. Lately, it seems like she is doing a lot of regressing in the maturity department. She has lost a lot of friends because of it or they all lie to ditch her because of it, these behaviors are really killing our frienship as well, the behaviors are becoming quite smothering. I don't even go out of my way to talk to her or do things with her anymore.

 

No desire to move out of parents house and get life of her own

 

Tries to control parents and throws temper tantrums if she doesn't get her way by stomping, sarcastic remarks.

 

Will lie to her parents about where she goes even though there is no need like simple things if she was out at a mall past 10 or something she lies about it.

 

Avoids her house and tries to intrude on other people's lives doesn't matter if they are married or not just so she doesn't have to go home and listen to her parents, blows simple things like her mom asking he rfor laundry out of proportion as nagging. When she goes somewhere she complains about everyone else, if people don't cave and do things her way she complains about them 'whining' when they were just minding their own business.

 

Uses the word 'mine' excessively. Compares people to people they don't even know and tries to dictate them based on her competition with the people they don't even know saying that she needs to be the boss. (think angelica from rugrats, only as a 21 year old. yikes.)

 

Repeats conversations to people about people that aren't even there word for word, her thoughts on it, tries to mimick their voice. Dialogue like a 5 year old. Abnormally obsessed with whether everything in her environment is 'child' appropriate or not.

 

Tries to sabotage friends' friendships so she can be the only one in friends lives. Talks over them even when people say that they're sick of hearing about it because she's repeated it at least five times and won't let them enjoy the activity or talk about anything else because she is stuck on the one topic. Blows up at people if they try to talk even to answer one of her questions and tells them to shut up because she should be allowed to talk like she's the only one there.

 

Will become completely controlling, completely tolerant for a while, then she will become completely intolerant altogether, even just little things like people putting on lipbalm and stuff like that or will try to yank things out of peoples hands if complete attention is not focused on her.

 

Will talk over people but will not answer simply because she doesn't feel like hearing the sound of her own voice.

 

I had to ditch her this weekend because a friend of ours wanted to go bowling. The friend invited her, and she volunteered to call me while I was completely unaware that she was invited along and told me she was coming to pick me up without explanation why. The other friend had a headache anyhow so we didn't end up going since it was late at night but when the friend I'm concerned about called, I asked her please not to talk over everyone because she did last time and no one could talk she bailed out then hang up on me. I didn't want to ride with her anyways because if she can't have complete control over an activity she will try to get out of going by getting lost on purpose and playing dumb, she will fake that she is lost in the area that she has lived in for 20 years, every time the other friend makes plans she does this. When the other friend and I called her back to find out why she really didn't want to go she said that she wanted to do homework and stuff for work. When I called her back to inform her that the plans had been postponed since the other friend had a headache anyhow, she said that she was just lying on her bed resting her eyes because she didn't want to do anything and had slept all day because she just didnt' have anything else to do, so I'm guessing the homework thing was all a lie to get out of going. I don't let her get by with the controlling behavior. The week before we had went out of town, she had told me that she didn't like the fact that I wouldn't let her control me when I was around her, when I told her she was wasting her time because it wasn't going to happen she just said 'well if you disagree with me I can just leave you stranded here with no way to get home.' She just did it for a reaction, she's all talk so it didn't work. After that I just quit talking to her.

[Heretic]

This certainly isn't the average behavior of a 21 year old, nor is it healthy. It isn't unheard of though.

 

Living with your parents isn't that bad, it's hard these days to get out while going to school. If she isn't in school that's different but still it's her choice and there's nothing wrong with that.

 

As far as all the other stuff? Well that's just inappropriate. If you really care about her you will keep talking to her about it and mention everytime she does something wrong. She will complain and whine about you nagging probably, but this way when you or her decide not to be friends anymore she'll know why and when she changes she might let you know.

 

I know it works as I did it with a friend of mine (of 12 years, he was 19 at the time) and he changed before he called things off, the 3 months of hell were worth the great friendship we salvaged from it. He still thanks me often for helping him out.

[segagirl]

I am wondering if she has always been like this? If so I assume it has somthing to do with her upbringing. She prob was allowed to walk all over everyone. In this case I would choose to not spend time with her.

 

If its new then I would wonder if something tramatic has happened? A loss? I setback that embarrased her? She may be scared to death of growing up...drug use? etc . Be sure she is not reaching out for support,her actions may be hiding an underlying issue of insecurity.

either way the only thing you can do is ask her why...I would tell her what you see, just like you told us here. Tell her you love her as a dear friend and are worried that something is wrong.

[Jitrenda]

maybe there is something goin on in her life that no one knows about. Some problem. I can see a lot of friends have tried to help her change and mature...but i c that is not happening. Maybe telling her how she behaves is a good idea and telling her she needs to grow up and if she doesn't...she won't have any friends left. That may help. I think she may need to lose her friends or by some miracle have a serious wake up call, to finally realize what she is doing wrong. Maybe talk to her and let her know....if that doesn't work...i don't know.

 

Good luck!

[Poltergeist]

Well yall could try to mimick each other, that way you can show her how she acts. Just an idea.