My girl wants me to sleep with another woman!

[JoelKR8]

Hey people - My first post so please be gentle!

 

I have been with my girlfriend now for just under 2 years and I do love her very much. At the beginning of the realtionship the Sex was pretty good even though I was her first. But over the last few months, she has revealed to me that it hurts her when we have sex (i am quite big) the sex has been very short and if I am lucky it occurs 3 times a week. She really beats herself up about it and feels as if I am not satisfied and yet alwys try to please her. She is not big on oral - she will receive it gladly but she wont give because "it hurts her jaw" and she gets annoyed. My girlfriend knows my past relationships were very energetic and sex usually occurred 2-3 times a day previously. Personally, i just think the raw attraction has dwindled on her part and to a certain extent it has dwindled on my part - she still thinks I am cute and says i am but I dont know if she is ATTRACTED to me.

 

NOW - recently, she has suggested what will liven our sex life is if I have sex with another woman. She believes it will be a turn on and she has given me her full permission to go out and have sex - she is serious. The only thing is - she wants me to record it so she can watch me doing it.

 

I really dont know what to make about all of this. i really do not know what is going on in her head. I have tried talking and discussing it but she reassures me that is what she wants. Generally she is a little reserved in the bedroom but this talk has just come out of nowhere. When we talk about it she says that seeing me with another woman, pleasuring her is her fantasy - making her cum. She wants me to do to the woman what i cant do with her.

 

Now I love my girl very much and would do anything for her but I am not entirely sure if I can go through with this - it just seems awkward...On top of that how can this help a relationship if its in your relationship history?

 

Anyone with any thoughts on this or what is going on in her head - please share. It would be greatly appreciated.

 

Regards,

 

Confused Joel

[hockeyboy]

Do you think she would get upset and change her mind once you actually did it?

[JoelKR8]

She promises she wont get upset and thats what she wants. Its all she talks about these days.

[hockeyboy]

you have no interest in taking part in this? she wants to set you up with a girl or she wants you to go find one yourself?

[Tried]

As much as i am sure she has thought this through i really must say that most of the time plans like this don't work out in the end. Most people are just hard wired to be jealous seeing their lover being intimate with someone else, people aren't always in control of their feelings even if they made a decision. For example childhood fears, many people are still afraid of things they know are irrational but since they are in a pattern of feeling that way they feel scard in the dark e.t.c. It is certainly just my personal opinion but i think that this does not bode well. I have the same problem as you but my girlfriend gets upset and tries to hide it every time we see a big breasted woman on tv...

[JoelKR8]

She wants me to go out and find a girl and have a fling. I honestly dont know if I can go through with it - I have been looking at other girls lately through frustration but I honestly dont know what to think. We have discussed it and I have told her she would not be able to handle it - but she assures she will be fine. Any guesses about whats going on in her head??

[Vert]

Joel,

I have to echo tried's sentiments here in that everyone is wired for jealousy in one form or another. Just because she's saying that now doesn't mean she won't completely change her mind when she sees you plowing another girl on film. Also, if she's not attracted to you anymore (as you say), sex isn't any good, and she's suggesting you find other women... dude, I hate to say it, but I think she wants out of the relationship and might be looking for a motive.

[Lonelyinasmalltown]

I'm may be pessimistic but here's what I'm thinking.

 

You go out, have sex with another woman, record it as asked and hand the tape to your girlfriend. Your girlfriend who probably never really thought of the concequences sees the tape and immediately feels hurt and/or jealous, even though she was all behind it. It's one thing to say go for it, it's another if the other actually does, ya know? Anyway, this poison's your relationship and things only get worse between you two, not better.

 

At least that's what I think. You two need to find satisfation with each other, not from people outside your relationship. If you can't do that then you two need to seek some professional help to help you get past this speed bump you hit.

[JoelKR8]

I think you may have a point...

[hockeyboy]

have you tried communicating with her and telling her that you do not need nor desire another woman and that you want her and only her?

[JoelKR8]

I tell her that she is the one and only one for me everytime! The only reason I am considering going through with it is because she has mentioned it. She always says that the things I do for her, how patient I am when it comes to sex and how much I try to work it out with her and what can make her comfortable - she doesnt reply back to me - she feels as if she cannot satisfy me and that makes her sad.

[RayKay]

Honestly, even if she is encouraging you to go forth with it, I would not do it for the following reasons:

 

If she feels sad NOW that she can't "please you" enough, how is she going to feel watching when another girl CAN. Trust me that if she feels insecure now, she will feel MORE insecure then, and jealousy will come up.

 

It's almost a test of YOUR loyalty to her in a sense. Yes she is giving you permission, but I think she also is also using it as a test whether she knows it or not. You sleeping with someone will NOT make her feel better, and while it might make you feel better temporarily as a release, if you love her, in the long run it won't.

 

I think while in her mind she might think she is okay with it, the reality is there are MANY more issues at play here. What if this other women had a disease you did not know about? What if she got pregnant (because EVEN birth controls fail). What if she was interested in you for more of a relationship, what if you became more interested in her?

 

This is not commitment. If you are unhappy, and she is unhappy and you have not been able to come to a solution, then maybe it is time you went elsewhere, but ONLY if you two are apart. Perhaps you two ARE sexually incompatible, and need to accept that maybe you are not the best together.

 

My venture is that if the complaints are only recent, then maybe yes the attraction has gone down on her part. Maybe she is looking for a way out, or trying to keep you around and hoping this will please you, without trying to find other solutions first. And there are other solutions. If it "hurts" (even if you are well endowed) more physical and mental foreplay and lubrication can go a LONG way, and there is more to oral then sucking the entire thing down your throat...her jaw does not need to hurt. It to me almost seems to be an excuse to not have sex..maybe she has a lower libido, but there ARE ways to address that if she wants to without resorting to bringing another women into the relationship.

[hockeyboy]

in the long run...do you think you will be able to be with someone who you are not sexually compatible with? (at least at the moment)

[JoelKR8]

At the moment, I can try to be with someone Iam sexually incompatible with but looking into the future - I really dont know. I just cannot bring myself to leave her - we have been through SO much in the time we have been together.

 

In response to RayKay, thanks for the response - in fact thanks to everyone for their responses - it has made me think about a few things.

 

In the past we have tried lubricants however she does not like them because she feels its not "natural". I have tried telling her not all women lubricate the same but once she gets an idea in her head she is very stubborn.

[Day_Walker]

I believe this is giving you insight into how the rest of this relationship is going to play out. I dont see how this is going to solve any issue in your relationship regardless if seeing you with another woman turns your gf on. If you want to solve the issue then you need to focus on the matter at hand which is sex hurting her. Now you can use extra lubrication, you can use more forplay and it sounds like you are going to have to get her more involved with sex.

[JoelKR8]

What could be the other reasons why it hurts her so much other than size and lubrication?

[RayKay]

At the moment, I can try to be with someone Iam sexually incompatible with but looking into the future - I really dont know. I just cannot bring myself to leave her - we have been through SO much in the time we have been together.

 

In response to RayKay, thanks for the response - in fact thanks to everyone for their responses - it has made me think about a few things.

 

In the past we have tried lubricants however she does not like them because she feels its not "natural". I have tried telling her not all women lubricate the same but once she gets an idea in her head she is very stubborn.

 

You are welcome.

 

And you are right, not all women lubricate the same. It is a shame she won't use them, I self lubricate a lot, yet I still like to add lubrication as it can make it just plain more enjoyable in many senses. Natural lubrication is not as slippery sometimes, and using lube can produce easier orgasms, and longer sessions (leading to multiples!).

 

It is natural to use aids when you need them. And there are some great lubricants out there that feel more natural ("Oh My" is a good one).

[JoelKR8]

I believe that sex is better with someone you really love (from experience!) and it can just be really frustrating when you want to try different things and do so much and be intimate with that person but they are not responsive.... Its a real bummer....

[Luciana]

RayKay pointed out some real concerns. The woman you will be having sex with is a human being, and unless you hire a prostitute, you will be playing with someone else's feelings. And recording the whole thing without her consent is even more serious. Nowadays with homemade movies being spread on the Internet one has to be cautious.

I think boredom has set in the relationship and she wants to shake things up, but the bad way. She is playing with fire. I could even understand her wanting a 3some, but having you go and have sex with someone else, that is odd.

Maybe sexual/couples therapy is the solution.

[JoelKR8]

Yeah RayKay did bring some real obvious stuff that i should have really thought about. I am going to have a serious conversation with her tonight and try to see what it is she really does want...This stuff is really bringing me down - In the past when we had issues I have always tried to sit down and go through it logically. Ultimately, I dont know what is going to happen..