Porn? Is it Cheating?

[WildChild]

Hi, I'm new to the forums but have a very similar question that I see has been posted on more than one occasion.

 

My bf and I are living together after having dated on and off for the last 9 months. Although I know that he has "chatted" with other women when we were separated and suspected he got into porn sites, I recently discovered that he for certain does goes to these sites. In all honesty, I do not care that he goes to them, I even told him that and I wish we could do it together sometimes. (I believe 95% of men do have an interest in this and it doesn't bother me.) However, he denied it, and then lied and said that he does not go to these sites, challenged me prove it and when I could, he got up and walked away and continued to deny that he goes to the sites. Going through the history (which is how he challenged me), I know that he is on these sites not only when I'm not home, but when I am home. More disturbing to me, is that these sites are live web cam sites for interacting. When I went to download pictures we recently took, I came accross downloads on the computer where he can listen and watch porn and has a picture (like an actual snap shot photo) of a girl naked from the waist down in the "received files" from like 2-3 months ago when I already was living there. He has in the past (when we were first getting back together) told me about and showed me pictures of girls who sent him half naked pics of themselves.

 

The problem for me is that I'm lucky if we have sex once every week or two. He works out-of-town and comes home on the weekends. Anytime, and it is not an exaggeration I try to initate sex he turns me down and rejects my advances. We have sex only when he wants to. He shows very little affection towards me in or out of bed, and most of the time "pushes" me away when I do show him affection, whether it is sexual or not. I have tried to talk to him about it, sometimes jokingly and sometimes seriously and he shuts me out. Outside of this, he treats me very well for the most part.

 

I try to keep my appearance in tact to keep me attractive and because I feel attractive. However, it has made me feel insecure and I know that is unattractive. Today, he received an email from a gal from one of these sites. I feel bad that I came accross it (and will not let on that I did), and don't want him to think I'm snooping because I'm not. In addition, he keeps a 8x10 photo of his ex g/f in his computer desk drawer. He knows that I know he has it there, and still keeps it there.

 

My question, is this: Since I've made it known to him that I don't care about the sites but that it bothers me that he goes to them when we barely have sex or that he hardly touches me, is this considered cheating? If we had sex more often, it wouldn't bother me. However, when I can't hardly get him to touch me, let alone experiment, and he is going to these sites where anything goes, that tells me he's not satisfied and is getting his kicks elsewhere (even though he tells me I please him in all ways). We had an argument about it before he left this week, it was my birthday and he still wouldn't have sex. I know that this is a huge problem for me and I told him before he left that I could not live like this and keep being rejected. We haven't spoke since. He is coming home today and I really am nervous. I'm afraid it will either be over between us or it will again get swept under the rug like he always does. I'm not into game playing so I don't want to start giving ultimatums. However, I know that I am young, attractive and a very sexual being and don't want to be with someone who would rather have cyber sex than be with me. On the other hand, what a sad situation if we broke up over sex. However, what about the pics girls are sending him and emails from these porn sites? How is that not cheating? And I guess how do I tell him I know about this? Or do I?

 

Anyway, thanks for reading and listening. Your comments are well accepted.

[someguy69]

While cheating is based far more on being deceitful than an actual specific act, I wouldn't say that looking at porn could be considered cheating.

 

Having women personally send him naked pictures is a little different, but it depends on the intentions involved.

 

What makes this a problem is that he hides it from you and denies it. This could be because he has had problems in the past with other girlfriends getting upset over him going to porn sites and such, but if he really would rather keep this as some dirty little secret, and not let you be involved, then you have a problem on your hands.

 

I'd recommend having a non-threatening, non-confrontational conversation with him about it. This isn't a matter of accusing and proving, but instead asking to share in his secret.

 

Put aside the "we aren't intimate enough" angle just for now, and tell him that you want to watch/look at porn with him. See what his tastes are and don't be judgemental. Try to let yourself be open to what turns him on, and heck, even get excited about seeing these other half-naked girls. It can be exciting to see a "real" person naked rather than a nameless porn star (amateur or not). If you can get him to open up to you, let you into his little world, show him that you accept him... and share his interests (even if you have to pretend a little)... then I guarantee you that things will improve in the bedroom.

[michelemybell]

You got a couple problems here:

1) He is disregarding that this is bothering you. A good mate does not do things that make his girlfriend uncomfortable.

2) His lack of intimacy with YOU is a huge problem. You also said he shows little affection in and out of the bedroom. Oftentimes, people will look at porn because it is a way to avoid getting close to someone--It seems he is comfortable with impersonal relationships, but when it comes to real life, he can't handle it.

3) He lies to you. Who knows what else he lies about.

I dont agree with the other poster. You dont have to get involved with his involvement with porn (and it seems like you already tried too. I dont think he wants you involved anyhow!).

A better thing to do is to really be honest and ask yourself if you want to be with someone who continues to do things that make you feel uncomfortable, and one who doesn't show much affection to you? Do you want to be with someone who you have to be suspicious of and cant trust? Do you want a lifetime of this? (I sure wouldn't!)

This isn't really about the sex. This brings up a lot of issues about his character.

[bellamcb]

I agree whole heartedly with michele. This guy doesn't seem like he's good enough for you.

[someguy69]

I dont agree with the other poster. You dont have to get involved with his involvement with porn (and it seems like you already tried too. I dont think he wants you involved anyhow!).

 

He likely felt threatened... we don't know the whole story... we do know they are living together, that the relationship has been on and off for nine months, and that they are having intimacy problems.

 

I somehow doubt that the porn issue is the only problem here... but as it was the only problem described, we can only work with what we've got.

 

So if she wants to work out this porn problem, my solution is the only one that is going to make any headway.

[michelemybell]

Someguy, I'm curious--If the shoe was on the other foot--Just say SHE was the one who was looking at porn (and with looking at porn, not just the occasional looking---I mean the downloading of pics of naked guys and videos, and guys emailing her, etc.) would you suggest to her boyfriend to stick around? Would you tell him to check out the pics too and share her interest? Would you want a girlfriend that does this and LIES ABOUT IT??? Would you want a girlfriend like this who lacks intimacy and interest with you, but doesn't have a problem checking out naked men and getting off with them??? I seriously doubt it.

She brang up herself a lot of the issues that I spoke of. You can't just look at this one-dimensional as you are suggesting.

[someguy69]

Someguy, I'm curious--If the shoe was on the other foot--Just say SHE was the one who was looking at porn (and with looking at porn, not just the occasional looking---I mean the downloading of pics of naked guys and videos, and guys emailing her, etc.) would you suggest to her boyfriend to stick around? Would you tell him to check out the pics too and share her interest? Would you want a girlfriend that does this and LIES ABOUT IT??? Would you want a girlfriend like this who lacks intimacy and interest with you, but doesn't have a problem checking out naked men and getting off with them??? I seriously doubt it.

She brang up herself a lot of the issues that I spoke of. You can't just look at this one-dimensional as you are suggesting.

 

I didn't suggest sticking around... I was suggesting a possible solution if "sticking around" was desired.

 

It sounds like she's had many chances to call things quits over the past nine months, and would suggest she do so... but she was asking what she could do to fix the situation. Also note that we're only getting her side of things.

[WildChild]

Hey guys, thanks for all of the replies. My nerves are pretty rattled right now as I know he is home and I won't get there for at least another 3 hours.

 

We met 9 months ago and hit it off immediately. After about a month and a half, I was getting the feeling he wasn't into having a serious relationship and I wasn't certain either so we ended it. We still communicated and occasionaly I would stay at his house knowing that he was dating around, as was I. He did have sexual relations with this gal, and I knew it. I can't say he was lying, however he did have a lot of "half truths" about it. I on the other hand dated, but was not sexually involved with anyone (he was actually the first guy I had been with in 1 year...dated a lot, but not a "sleep around sally" lol)

 

Back in March, we just got back together. He didn't pressure me about it and I didn't pressure him about it, it just happened. I guess I knew deep in my heart we eventually would be back together. Many times I have called him to myself my soul-mate because we are sooo much alike and think alike that we had to have known each other in another life kinda thing.

 

This is the first time in 9 months that I have ever yelled at him or shown any open anger. We don't fight. But, the sex thing has me very frustrated and I guess the other morning pushed me over the edge. He really is a good man, but I can't seem to get past that he shows little desire for me in between. That's why this sucks. I know that in my eyes we have hit a brick wall.

 

I agree though, I don't think he would like it all to well if it were me, I know he would be jealous. Plus, he knows that I never turn him down. I laugh cuz he knows that it's so few and far between anymore that when he does want it, I'm not gonna say no LOL as I will, but it's actually sad cuz he has me between a rock and a hard spot...turn him down next time and it'll be another 2 weeks

[michelemybell]

Wildchild, I didn't mean to sound too harsh with you, but I do think you deserve better.

 

I was in the same situation as you with a guy I considered my soulmate and someone who was wonderful in every other way too...but I found myself always trying to rationalize his bad behavior. Basically he was non-verbally telling me that I should just "deal with" whatever he did--whether it be looking at porn, cheating, flirting with other women, etc. etc. And he eventually left me for someone he lied to me about. Not saying that the same thing will happen to you...but if you just let things "slide", it could escalate into other behavior and you could be the one left behind.

 

You can put your foot down on his behavior and give him ultimatums, but I have found it's really hard to change someone's behavior in the long run. I have found that you can be on the perfect wavelength with another person with everything else, but sometimes just getting along isn't enough--You have to be on the same page with your goals, ideas, values, etc.

 

I wish you the best of luck with this situation!

[Lexicon85]

Porn is supposed to be fantasy. These are real girls, who interact with him. I would call it cheating.

 

You can do what you want, and I'm sure the relationship is good in other ways, but for me this would be a no brainer- dumped and forgotten. Sex is very important to me. I need a man who will make love with me when I want him to, and like it. I need a man who finds me very sexually attractive. I don't know if you need such a man, but if you do, go out and find him. Leave his loser with his cyber girls. And tell him exactly why you're leaving.

[Lexicon85]

And you could tell him you'll stay with him but look for other men. Go to male strip clubs. Go on dates with other men. Got your rocks off other ways. He should accept this, as he is getting his rocks off with other women- just through email. Take back your self-respect.

[SexySadie7]

I agree with Lexicon.. if you were to turn the tables.. let's just see how he wud like it if you started to receive e-mails from guys you asked for with naked pics in them.. And that is what bothers me more than the porn sites... he's talking to real life women.. who are gladly giving him pictures of their crotches, or naked bodies.. come on... this just isn't right!

 

Then too.. he has the nerve to refuse not only sex but affection? That's controlling and cruel in my opinion.. I'm not sure what you are getting out of this relationship... but if you gotta pick up his socks and make dinner.. he ought to at least be happy to cuddle with you and have sex...

You sure he's not fooling around..? I'm curious as to what age he is that he's got no sex drive left.. especially if his partner is a pretty young woman? Of course if he's sitting at a computer masturbating throughout the day.. that wud account for why he's not got much love left to give at end of the day.

 

Something does not smell right in Denmark here.

 

I went out with a guy once who did the same thing.. the frequent rejection.. infrequent sex, refusing sex, not hardly affectionate in public.. Man.. that was such a real disappointment and a large blow to the ego. I thought we were like soulmates too... and we had so much in common.. but this really ruined it for me. It turned out he was sleeping with other women.. I'm not saying that is the case here.. but this whole thing just isn't right and you shouldn't have to keep putting up with it...

 

I'm like you.. i need sex on a frequent basis... i wouldn't want to put up with this either.. If you were married.. this would be grounds for divorce.. don't they call that... Alienation of Affection?

I'd be either putting my foot down or starting to pack at this point if it were me...

[AuroraMaria]

Agree 100%. Couldn't have said it better myself.

[saltwatergirl]

I agree with the above, chill with the questions and start findin some fun yourself. Pretty soon you'll discover there is more to life than him!

 

Trust me on that one!

 

Salt

[WildChild]

Well, a little update on where somethings stand. Between work and being gone I haven't had much time for personal time on the computer.

 

With the advice you guys gave, I broached the lack of sex issue in a very nonchalant manner and in casual conversation. In return, he explained to me that he is trying hard not too keep his guard up but in so many words he is afraid of getting burned again (he ended a 14 year relationship about a year and a half ago). This may explain his lack of or seldom affection? As for the porn, I haven't pushed that issue at this point. If he has been going to the sites, it is not evident in the history on the computer and he very well maybe deleting it out. Past experience has taught me you only get better at hiding lies once you are caught if indeed it's not something a person wants to change. At this point, I can only rely on if he is continuing to do this, I hope guilt is at least getting to him when he looks at me.

 

I have really taken to heart all of your advice/comments and given myself a lot to think about. I know in the heart of all hearts he is a good man. I have children from a previous marriage and he is very kind to my boys and has told me he loves them. There is some major soul searching to do and decisions to make with my future. Maybe for the fear of getting burned myself, I send out contradictory messages and actions to him without realizing it. I do know I keep my guard up and I think that spills into my line of thinking. I do know that I am afraid to invest more time into this not knowing his intentions with the porn/sex/affection part. The latter I expect is my responsibilty to be patient with him for respect of his feelings and emotions. The porn/emails aspect is where I freeze up on whether or not to give him the benefit of the doubt that he isn't doing this anymore. I would feel horrible confronting the issue if indeed he has stopped, but I do know I would feel more horrible if more time passes with us as a couple to only find out later that he is just hiding his indiscretions better.

 

One of my favorite quotes is 'Don't make a wishbone where your backbone should be'. Now it's time I guess to pull myself up by the bootstraps and start deciding. UGH! Feel free for more thoughts

[Julie_Julie]

Having sex is about being in love...

Being in love is being connected with a person on a whole higher level where you are both completely entwined with each other, including body mind and soul!!! Mentally having sex with someone else in your mind is just as much cheating as having sex physially.

It hurts just as much aswell!!!

[Misser]

I believe that porn is always cheating when the other person does not agree to it. The fact that it is personal with him makes it much worse!!

[Lboogie23]

I totally agree, its real and these girls are emailing him regularly. It has gone beyond fantasy and now its just plain disrespectful , and yes to me its cheating.

When me and my bf first moved in together, it took me a long time to be okay with him looking at porn. It used to make me insecure, but i've sinse realized that most men do it. And the important part is that he never stops wanting me. Infact he likes when we watch it together and try different things, thats why i know i have nothing to worry about. But you say he turns down sex, and seems uninterested and that raises a red flag for me.

 

Plus the picture of his ex????? why would any one do this, its just not the way you act in a relationship. It sounds like he has other interests, which is his problem, not yours. Don't feel like you have to make yourself extra attractive to keep him interested. I'm sure your beautiful exactly the way you are and if he doesn't appreciate it, maybe you should tell him you'll leave him to be alone with his real girlfriends. lol. Anyways, he sounds like hes a jerk. your too good for this. And who has time for these games? Either your happy or your not. Isn't that what it really boils down to. Good luck

[Rabican]

Dont take this the wrong, but Im not sure why everyone comes here and says "is this cheating, is that cheating etc."

 

Cheating is defined by you, and your partner. Simple as that. If porn is cheating to you, then its cheating. If your partner having sex with another person is ok with you, then its not cheating... its all relative, and defined by the people in the relationship.

[mintzhg]

Well, it's not cheating per say according to guys, but i consider it so. i caught my fiancee doing the same and i think of it as a lack of respect for the one you are supposed to care for and why watch porn when he can watch you instead. with mine i said, well if you want to do that then get lost, i am more than good enough for you and you act as though im not by doing that. so now he doesnt do it, that i lknow of anyway. best thing have a word to him and ytell him how horrible it makes you feel and make an example of something he wouldn't like. i did that and it seems to have worked. what you have to remember is that you are worth more than anything and no guy should be looking at other girl (s) whether it's internet or on the street etc. if they are with someone. I believe you shouldn't have to put up with it (unless of course you both enjoy it which i gather you dont) and you should say soimething about it.

[mintzhg]

just wanted to say because i have just posted my reply and read it and i apologize i dont mean guys ..sorry i meant SOME guys ...my full apology.

[Northalius]

Porn, cheating?

 

If you're in a relationship with someone, but you feel the need to watch porn, instead of being attracted enough to your mate that you want them only, then something is wrong in that relationship.

 

I'd consider it cheating, just not physically, but mentally.

 

There are crimes of the flesh, and then there're crimes of the heart and mind.

 

So, yes, ultimately, I consider watching porn cheating.

 

I'd feel like crap if my wife was watching porn, and fantasizing about other people, rather than me. Youch. That'd hurt me a lot. It shows they're truly not commited to me, as I am to them. That hurts!

 

I'd have a nice long talk about this, and if they're not willing to come clean, then I'd go NC with them until they are. That's just me, though.

[Northalius]

just wanted to say because i have just posted my reply and read it and i apologize i dont mean guys ..sorry i meant SOME guys ...my full apology.

 

I was about to reply to that comment you made ...

 

Well, it's not cheating per say according to guys,

 

Because I'm a guy that does consider it cheating, and is not good at all in a relationship.

 

Thanks for correcting that.

[KattyK]

I absolutely think Porn is cheating! People dont understand how much it can hurt the other person! My husband doesnt have sex with me for months at a time! For so long I thought there was something wrong with ME! We had only been together for about 1 year when I found lots and lots of porn on the computer. This was AFTER a year of pain and torment on me trying to figure out why he would never touch me. I LOVE sex...in fact I live for it! I am what most men would concider lucky to have when it comes to sex! But I pick a man that doesnt even want sex from a real woman. He would rather look at a picture! He told me that he just doesnt have any desire for sex. Well Looks like he just doesnt have any desire for me! If I was * * * * *y or fat or unattractive I could understand why he was that way BUT IM NOT!

I have thought about leaving MANY MANY times because it eats at me constantly and it is really making me miserable but I love him and other than that he is perfect for me!

 

But no one understands how much it hurts until it happens to them. Porn has never bothered me before and it really still doesnt. Its just the fact that he masterbates to it and never touches me. And then he tries to deny that he has. And he doesnt understand that he is cheating me out of the ONE THING THAT I LOVE THE MOST IN THIS LIFE!

[KattyK]

You are right on the money honey!! But....its not so easy to just decide you dont love someone. I have had to decide if its worth leaving the only man I will ever love. No one knows how much it really hurts.