Regrets about behavior post breakup

[rangerider]

I had to end a relationship with my ex fiance in May because of her substance abuse problems. We loved each other deeply and she tried many times to stay well for herself and so the relationship could endure. We were the loves of each others lives and connected in an incredibly strong way. After one of her relapses I finally had enough and wanted closure so I went to see her face to face and told her I would never see her again but that I wished her all the best, would always love her but had been hurt too many times and it was destroying me and had to move on. She was devastated that I gave up on her. (Was app.1 1/2 year relationship). Even though I was the dumper it was devastating to me as well. Fast forward 1 month. Out of the blue I received a voicemail saying she had been in a month long program, was doing well now and (crying) said she would always love me and would I see her again? She called that night and I didn't take them. I then began to feel guilty and wondered what she wanted to say so I called her the following week. We began to talk and agreed to "go for it again". We went out 2 times the week before last and I truly reconnected and "wanted" her as much as ever. But I could tell she was different. She seemed distant and kind of going thru the motions for old times sake sort of. We kissed the same, held hands the same but her passion or something wasn't there. Because of this, on the second date I did a stupid thing and tried to stir up the flame by wearing my heart on my sleeve and telling her I'd like a long term reunion, repeating often how much I loved her and had missed her, etc. In other words being a total wuss and not allowing her to feel there was a challenge to winning me back and earning my forgiveness. By the way she had stopped saying the I luv you's at this point. It was ackward. But I was back in the saddle I thought. Here we were reunited! Isn't this great! I was telling her how nice it was to have my baby back and just gushing like a school kid. After I dropped her home from the second time out, almost in a formal way she said goodnight and thank you for the dinner, movie, etc. but it was subdued and almost formal like. I KNEW that something was off here. I called in two days and left a message for a call back. No call came. I then went into panic mode and wrote a letter going over the last date and aplogizing for anything that may have upset her. No reply. Then called a few more times last week but she was not picking up so I left messages doing the bargaining stuff and finally asking that she have the decency to call and tell me if it's over for good. How pathetic giving away all my dignity and humiliating myself. Thereby I'm sure sending her further away. She did try calling 1 time towards the end of the week but I wasn't by the phone and she left no message. I was well on my way to getting over her and thought she was gone forever. She calls me and gets back into my head. I take her back and she obviously dumped me. But doesn't have the courage or decency for a face to face or even a phone call to say goodbye! Just the silence and vanishing act. So my last two pathetic phone calls, (she's not picking up still so I'm leaving more messages is "I'd do anything just to be able to see you again, etc). Then it sunk in all my pleading wasn't bringing her back so my last message was rather bitter "I finally get it, when someone won't take your calls and won't make contact with you they want you to go away. Well that's what I'm doing. Take care. It's been fun". That was last Friday. I'm just sick about my needy, gushing behavior during our last date and the pathetic , frantic messages last week. Totally humiliated myself. No one likes rejection and getting dumped . Now I wonder if it was all a plan to get back with me so she could have the final say and dump my butt. I should have let sleeping dogs lie but I'm the nice guy and wanted to give her another chance. Now I have to start the healing all over again. But I will practice NC faithfully. I hope one day she will call and give a proper goodbye and that it just wasn't working out. Something. But it may be one of those instances where you never get closure from the other.Has anyone else reunited only to find there S.O. wasn't clicking and something was amiss. Any comments please on my behavior and why did this happen? I'm obsessed with thoughts of her every minute of the day and how could she do this and hurt me in this way. Maybe she would have called eventually but by being so pathetic with all the messages from me she is probably so turned off I'll never receive another call. Please give some perspective anyone for this hurting man. Thanks to all who take the time to respond. I just HATE the way this ended and am so regretfull for my loss of dignity and strength. But what is done is done. I feel like I totally blew a chance at reconcilliation. First by being a needy wimp and then to complicate matters instead of giving her time throwing all those pathetic messages at her. I guess most endings are bad or it wouldn't be ending. Sign me "heartbroken and need to stop pining away and move on". I keep thinking "if only I had done this or that" but it's too late. ARGHHHHH! The agony of it all!

[skinskinskin]

wow, rangerider. i had a substance abuse problem; prescription pills. i was in the beginnings of a relationship when it really started up. i lied, deceived, cheated...did it all.

ne way, what i'm thinking is #1- that maybe she cannot keep herself clean and she doesn't want to hurt you again.

#2-would they in the month long program have prescribed her something? was it detox? that may explain her odd behavior.

STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP FOR CARING! everyone acts on emotion sometimes and regrets it later, we're human.

[RayKay]

Rangerider,

 

I think you already know how much substance abuse/addiction can affect a person, and even though she had been in a program, that does not mean she is yet healed. Addiction is a long long battle, and it is there with you forever in some shape or form...even if you are not using, you are still able to slip if you are not careful.

 

What I am saying is that it was still probably too early for her, and she recognized that. Or maybe she saw that you were not the person for her anymore, now that she had "cleared her head". Or perhaps she did not want things to move as fast as they did. It is hard to say, it just might not have felt right for her, or maybe she does not want to risk it again, knowing she is not yet totally healed.

 

Her not calling back though is a clear enough message that you need to withdraw, regroup, lick your wounds and continue forward, this was just a small step back in the long run. I know it hurts, but for whatever reason she was not ready for that much, that soon, if at all and while it may have been intentional, my guess is that perhaps she just sees things differently then she had though..sometimes what is in our imagination gets built up to be more than the reality. Perhaps the changed her, is no longer in sync with you anymore...different people, different stages in life now.

[urbangentleman]

Hey Rangerider,

 

sorry to hear of your pain.I too am in bother , but nowhere near as severe as you.I found this just yesterday, and i'm going to continue to be strong as i feel at times i am almost healed.95% i'd say, despite what some may think.Anyway have a read and see if it may help.

 

 

 

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this - when people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. The Bible said that, "they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us."

 

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can' t get super glue and you can't make them stay. Let them go. And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when peoples part in your story is over so that you don t keep trying to raise the dead. You've got to know when it's dead. You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of goodbye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know what ever God means for me to have he'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay. Let them go.

[buba]

Urban, what a great advice.

Rangerider, I know how you feel...

I also left messages and got a silent treatment from my confused, substance abusing ex.

I was ashamed of myself for leaving them.

I felt stupid and thought I was going crazy...

He never responded.

Let it go...

Forgive yourself for being emotional. You're in pain. You love her.

Substance abusers are very confused, they don't really know what they want. Was she clean for a month?

Well, may be she misses her old lifestyle?

My ex quit smoking pot for 3 months when I told him I was leaving him...

He said He quit cold turkey and begged me to stay...

I did. And I married him....

He missed his old habit.

I became his enemy. He started hiding it from me, lying....

I confronted him, he said he was quitting me cold turkey and keeping another addiction...

I was served with divorce papers and spend the last 3 months sharing my pain on this forum.

I have a long topic "Help me, I am drawning..."

I can't compete with addiction, I think she misses it too.

Stay strong, P.M me if you want, and don't beat yourself up for leaving those messages, you're human.

Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse, may be she is punishing you for leaving her in the first place...

Leave her be. You will be loved again.

[rangerider]

Just got in from work. Busy day. Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Skinskinskin- Yes, it was detox. I hope she stays clean but has relapsed more times than I can remember. And yes, I'm through beating myself up.

RayKay- I agree. She was not ready to resume the relationship as if nothing ever happened and I was.

Urban- Thanks for the post. I especially like the part: "When people can walk away from you, let them walk!

Buba- Don't you just HATE, I mean hate with extreme prejudice and with a passion the "silent treatment". Yes, she was clean for a month. But she is a lifelong alcoholic and has a terrible track record with relationships. Even she told me that AA recommends 1 year minimum with no relationships while the mind and spirit get straight. I am staying strong and will leave her alone. I'm tired of all the B.S. It's piled so high I need a shovel. There has been more problems and agravation over the last year and a half than I want to recall. Today I had a revelation and that is her and I were not meant to be. Love is not enough. It takes mutual respect and caring. It takes trust. It means getting back as much as one gives. I have a suspicion that I have not heard the last of her. My only dilemma now is when and if the call comes, do I take it or ignore it. If I take it I would be telling her in a compassionate way no hard feelings and best of luck. I will never forget her but for everything there is a season and we had ours. I probably should have let her go 6 months ago but wanted to exhaust every last chance for us. Today I stopped caring what she thought of the way I acted or what I said. I was being affecionate and telling her how much I loved her and had missed her. What's wrong with that? There were obviously other issues at work in her head and the reuniting just wasn't working for her for whatever reason. Movin on...

[rangerider]

Very insightful. I think either she wasn't ready yet or I'm not the person for her anymore. In any event, I'm tired of it all.

[rangerider]

My prayers are with everyone who is suffering emotionally or maybe even physically from the absense in there life of a soulmate who they thought would share in their life and be there always to experience life together with all the hope's and dreams that were to come. It is a hard thing to go thru. I have one good day and then a bad one thinking of her. My head knows it's over and probably for the best. The heart takes a long time to heal. Have a great day!

[RayKay]

My prayers are with everyone who is suffering emotionally or maybe even physically from the absense in there life of a soulmate who they thought would share in their life and be there always to experience life together with all the hope's and dreams that were to come. It is a hard thing to go thru. I have one good day and then a bad one thinking of her. My head knows it's over and probably for the best. The heart takes a long time to heal. Have a great day!

 

The heart does take a long time, but believe in the fact that it indeed does.

I have lost one whom I thought was my soulmate to death, and while I thought I would never find someone as wonderful and my heart was broken, in time, I did meet someone, if not even more so and even more perfect for me.

 

Life works in mysterious ways, and sometimes what we thought we wanted, turns out to not be at all what we wanted after all. Time will heal, you will see things more clearly as that time goes on, and in time, your life will be enriched by someone wonderful, it sounds like you are too good of a person not to be blessed that way at some point

[rangerider]

I thought of her a lot today. Not good. It makes me feel bad when I obssess like that. I think of all the ways it may be possible to reconnect but it always comes back to me that nothing will work except NC and time. I think she would have to call at some point to restart this thing. What a rollercoaster ride. One day I know I need to move on and the next I'm thinking of her and holding her, etc. I guess it's to be expected as it is less than 2 weeks since we were last together. Going out to dinner with family tonight. I just don't get why I WANT her so badly. Must have a lot to do with wanting what you can't have. And still being in love. And hating the fact that I supported her for so long thru her battles with the bottle and then was the one who was abondoned at the end when she was sober and doing well. She met a group of girls at AA and I think they really hit it off. That's good but I remember her telling me recently she went to a weekend retreat and all the girls were bitter about ex boyfriends or husbands and saying who needs them anyway. It doesn't seem fair. I thought I would have deserved closure, a call, something. But she is shy and I think she just didn't want any confrontation to take place. Still, it blows when you never know the reason for the breakup. Maybe that is better though than to be told they just don't love you anymore.

I was praying to God over this the last 2 months since I ended it with her to give me an answer on this relationship. Now I'm thinking that's just what he did. In the long run I think she would have been a burden and there would be continued pain and misery because of substance abuse. There's a high probability. And since she broke up with me now, that finalizes it for me. I was too weak to not return to her when she wanted that but now it's finally over. Sorry for the rambling. I also wondered about one last snail mail letter to tell her thank you for showing me how deeply I'm capable of loving. I will never forget you as long as I live. Best of luck in everything you do. But it would be for me mostly. Maybe I should leave those sentiments right here in this post because it wouldn't change anything. Thank you all for your replies and advice as I'm still in the early stages of my grief and it's of great comfort to hear from others about these matters.

[rangerider]

Just some thoughts as I move forward and towards permanent closure from my ex fiance'. I think breaking up does forever change the dynamics of a relationship especially with issues of trust. It's never going to be the same. I had broke off with her many times not just once because of her addictions but I still loved her deeply and that is very tragic. When I took her back at her request I now know deep inside I wasn't 100% commited. When we agreed to give it another try she was so excited and we said we would love to see each other again. That very next night I went out to a movie alone. I called her late that night and told her I'd gone to a movie and that she would have liked it but didn't know if it was to soon to get back together. This sent really mixed signals to her I'm sure. She called the next day and in a sarcastic and upset way left a message about me seeing the movie without her. Even though I agreed to reunite, the very next day I'm wavering because I had been disapointed and hurt in the past. So I think this really started things off as far as getting back together on the wrong foot. I believe that by the second date her mind was already made up about moving on before even going out Probably several days before. So what I'm getting at is once there are breakups and then mixed signals and trust issues it becomes such a tangled web. Both of us experienced the shattered ego of being dumped so we both know the pain and rejection that it causes. Many of you may get back together with your ex's and live happily ever after. But in my case I know it is over but that still doesn't make it hurt any less. I need to work on getting over her and moving on and not entertain any thoughts of coming together again. Easier said than done. One day at a time. Hope everyone dealing with a broken heart and broken dreams will find the peace and happiness,(and love), you are looking for. Learn to love yourself first. Buba said something earlier in this thread that has stuck with me. "You will be loved again".

[thisisnotanexit]

oh gosh i hope she gets help for substance abuse problems! is she better with that?

[rangerider]

oh gosh i hope she gets help for substance abuse problems! is she better with that?

She has been in and out of detox and programs several times since last fall. I was told to run as fast as I could many times by family and friends but love is blind. Now that she has broken off contact with me that should be the end of the tumultuous relationship. I have broken up with her several times in the past becuase of the excessive drinking but I always got sucked back in because she went in rehab to get help. She truly wanted to stay sober and I kept thinking if I hung in there long enough she would finally get a handle on it. Well, this last time it appears she did. She went into a month long program came out and called me to say miracles do happen. Not to say she won't relapse. But what is so hard for me is I broke up with her in the past because of her drinking. I took her back and she was stone cold sober and after I dropped her off after our second date nothing. She vanished, went silent. But I could tell it felt awkward to her to be back together. The special something, that magical feeling was just not in her. I can only assume she fell out of love with me. But it would still be nice to receive a phone call one day to explain why she stopped contact after I had sucked it up and given her another chance. How ironic. I have no way of knowing but when we last spoke she was attending AA regularly and had a strong support group of new found women friends around her. I think I may have been replaced by them. Or I just wasn't right for her anymore. Just like so many others on this board I have so many unanswered questions. How can someone that was your best friend, lover, confidant, soulmate, fiance'... not even have the decency to say goodbye? But apparently it happens all the time.

[rangerider]

It's a rollercoaster ride. I was contacted my my ex monday. She said she was finally making contact and loved me but not to call her she would call me. This heartache must stop. At some point the whole push/pull, are we on again off again scenario has to stop. I'm getting on with my life. I'm not sure at this point if I should take her call if or when it comes. I'm probably being strung along and "That dog won't hunt". I really feel the pain of everyone who has loved so deeply and trusted their S.O. only to be abandoned. Sometimes without any indication it was coming. Time is the only thing that can heal a broken heart. I go from wanting no contact to wanting her to call and talk to her. Back and forth. One day good, one day a step back remembering the special moments we shared. The "I'll always love you's" we said to each other. I hope I'm strong enough to make the right decision about this relationship. If she want's to come back in time, is it the right thing to do for ME? I need to do what is best for ME. I've given 1 1/2 years of my life to her. Held nothing back. Gave it all that I had with few regrets. Bottom line. You can't make someone love you. It's there or it's not. Drinking again tonite to stop obsessing about her. When does it end? I hope she doesn't call and want to reconcile. I'm really weary of this entire process. Thanks for advice and comfort from all of you who are going thru similar pain over the loss of a loved one. In my case it was truly the love of my life. Don't know if I'll ever love this way again.

[Siwelttap]

I feel your pain on the constant kicking yourself in the head, etc. the only thing thats helped me out with that is keeping very busy. go to the gym or something and start projects. anything that keeps your hands occupied and your mind focused

[rangerider]

Siweltap,

 

I know that's the remedy. To keep on keepin on. Stay busy. The problem is it's easier said than done, especially early on. There's that funk we get into and the obssessing about them. All worthless and draining of one's energy. Serve's no constructive purpose whatsoever. I've found there's nothing more painful than to love someone with all your heart and soul and then have them stop loving you. I'm sure they still love us in a a way but no longer are "in love" if that makes any sense.

[Siwelttap]

I know what you mean.. my ex for about the month before she broke it off turned cold and distant, like i was some intruder in her life and did not want me to be around. it felt like a part of me had died. i tried to talk to her about it, but i got the cold shoulder on every attempt. When eventually i broke down a was crying a bit because i didnt understand what was happening, she just abruptly said.. "I have to go." not at all the girl she was when i started dating her. i just fell out of her picture, and she didnt have the decency to tell me for a month.

*sigh* i dont know how i got through that first month after the breakup thinking about it now, but i just talked to everybody that would listen. i didnt want those thoughts sitting in my head rotting.. killing me.

 

Augh. Sorry, back to the post. I dont know.. you might have to just push yourself for a bit, even if its not much every day. start small.

Goodluck

[rangerider]

Siweltap,

 

If you figure out why someone we love suddenly becomes a stranger... It happens every day. And all we know for sure is that person wasn't the one for us in the long run. Not to say the time spent together wasn't someting wonderful or fulfilling or beneficial for each of us. It ran it's course, pure and simple. Think about this. If every couple had the perfect relationship in every way, we would end up spending the remainder of our lives with them. But obviously if there is a breakup of a relationship something was amiss. Incompatability in some shape or form. Not to say that it wasn't a beautiful thing. We all keep looking for that "special someone" to complete us. Take what you can use from your past relationships to help you grow and be a better person and leave the rest.

[salmonhead_uk]

Hey hope you are okay.

Ups and downs are annoying as HELL - but you get those even when not in a relationship. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just down and pinning it on my ex rather than being depressed like i used to be!!! Anyway.

I was going to say how brave you've been and how intelligent you are. THis is probably going to sound crazy but my ex used to drive me insane with drug taking. Until I met him I'd never seen or used drugs. Ever. Hated it, hated the idea of it.

I met him and he would take pills, pot daily, drink up to 9 pints on a work night, cocaine, everything. It was horrific. I asked him not to.

Now i realise he never actually stopped. We would go out (and I had been diagnosed with depression so was taking tablets for it, not drinking, obviously dead against drugs - but I'd go out and push myself to be socialable) and he'd disappear to the toilet for ages. I was so dense. I used to ask him if he'd been sick!

I remember leaving one day because all his friends were chatting about pot, they were all high on coke i think, and it bored the hell outta me. I left and cried in my car for ages - decided it was my fault as i was a depressive and i needed to lighten up. Called him -- he'd gone out for a big night out. I thought I'd surprise him by turning up, so i did. And what did i find? He'd chewed his lip up, he had toilet paper stuck to his teeth, his eyes were red and he was sweating and hyper. I asked him if it was drugs...that was a year before we broke up. Over the year it got worse, he'd have erratic moods and manipulate me into it being my fault...its a terrible thing to allow someone to do that to you. But i figured i loved him, it wasn't my right to tell him i didn't want or like him doing the drugs.

So, I guess reading your post has made me realise a lot of things. My ex was a drug addict. He didn't make a big deal out of it cos all his friends were the same. I didnt' make a big deal out of it because if I did he told me I was depressed and didn't know what I was talking about. Some sad little part of me still loves him and wishes he wasnt like that, but the major part thinks I've had a lucky escape. How could I not have seen how terrible my other half was living? I only had room for one addiction - him, he however was totally consummed by drugs.

Thinking about it like that still makes me feel bad. I can't believe I blamed myself. The night he dumped me he told me he had had 7 pills the previous night, his face was white, he'd slept with a girl, unsure if he'd had sex with her...i pushed to be with him?!?!?! oh god.

Sorry - long reply and totally about me, but i just wanted to say thank you. I can now see that all of this wasn't me. That as much as I crave his attention it was his lifestyle that messed with my mind. I hope you pull through and that you have a brilliant time from now on.

Take care.x

[rangerider]

Thanks Salmon for the encouragement. Sorry you had to "walk thru the fire" with substance abuser as did I.

It's been 3 weeks since my ex and I last went out. Early last week she called and left a message saying she loved me but not to call she would call me. I had no intention of calling. I'm not sure if she calls again if I'll take it and let her know where she can go and never to contact me again or just don't pick up and ignore. What would be your advice?

 

Now my mind and emotions are beginning to clear. I could write a book about the living hell that I went through over the last year with this alcoholic, pill taking loser. But when she was sober she was like no other. Thought I could "fix" her. Nope. Wrong.

 

I should have bailed long ago. All I got for giving her 1 more chance was being dumped for my trouble. She probably had it planned. She wanted the privelage of the final dumping for her ego.

We can be so blind to red flags when we're in love and being told all those sweet, wonderful things by our lovers as they gaze into our eyes.

I hope I retain kindness, compassion, etc. in the future. Don't want to become hardened and jaded because of this ugly ending.

Good luck to you Salmonhead.

[salmonhead_uk]

Thanks.

As for the phone stuff, it's a toughie. If you ignore it it'll play on your mind, and if you are rude she'll only end up calling you again but in a worse state and you might be blamed. However it is totally unacceptable for her to make the rules such that she gets to call when ever she needs a pick me up or an ego boost, but that you're expected to stay clear of calling her. Very unfair. It may take preparation depending on how strong you can be (if like me you would get easily side-tracked still wanting to 'save' the one you thought you loved and she knows how to manipulate that). So, work out what you are going to say, tell her you don't want her to call anymore as it is not healthy for either of you, say (even if it's a lie) that you feel the decision to break up was a good call as nothing happy and healthy can come from what you had. Say you need to get along with other things in life and for as long as it takes that means you don't want to see or hear from her. After that maybe change your number. It sounds drastic, to cut someone off like that but it'll just whirl round and round your head otherwise. I had offers of friendship and I'd get a call when he was on lunch or otherwise bored, but if tried to call him he'd be distant and annoyed I'd interrupted his time. It's only since making it so there is NO possible way he could contact me ( i guess he could come here or call the house but he wouldn't be brave enough) that I have been able to smile more, analyse it all less, sleep better, and just move on like i should.

Thing is, I don't want you to think that you have to do this. My method isn't exactly the proscribed and only way...you know what's right for you at this stage -- it took me 3 weeks of embarrassing texts and letters and calls to his work to try and sort it out that i realised with stuff as messed up as this it can't be starched into any kind of relationship. Without the label of boyfriend and girlfriend we couldnt just be friends as we truly had nothing in common. But you two might be different.

All i know is that A LOT of people gave me A LOT of advice about the breaking up business, and like all confused heartbroken people i ignored it and made the mistakes that will now enable me to advise others what hurts and what doesnt. I promise that a prolonged friendship/limbo that is controlled by the very person that dumped you is not a good thing for you.

Anyways, hope you are doing okay. I'm totally emotionally and physically pooped today - hope that all made sense or at least that you can get something out of it.

Take care xx