Help with my problem please.

[perseverance_rules]

In response to my diary of posts here: link removed

 

 

I am really having a hard time with this main part. Now that my ex is pregnant, should I Believe it is mine and agree with her to be able to see the birth of my child, when in the end she has to get a paternity test to prove i am the legal father to get child support from me.

 

Highly weighing the possibilities of being there in the hospital with her so that I dont miss this opportunity. Has anyone else gone through this, and can shed some light on what to expect. Will they make me be the presumed father if were not married? If im there in the room and assume im the father, my name wont be on the birth certificate until after the paternity test correct?

 

So many questions, and 7 months to figure out my path. The chance to do this and give in to her lies shes told so often lately is killing me, but I dont want to miss the opportunity i would regret later.

 

Any help, suggestions, advice would greatly help me, thanks.

[Hope75]

I haven't read your previous thread yet, (will try to do so later on) but I can tell you that even if you are in the delivery room, that does not mean you will be assumed by all to be the father. Yes, the nurses may need clarification, but there are alot of different circumstances surrounding birth these days and often several people are allowed in the delivery room during the birth, if the mother permits and wants them there.

 

You do not have to sign the birth certificate until you know you are the father, that is correct. Sometimes men who are not the biological father still sign the birth certificate, but that does not hold up in court, and you are best to wait until you know for sure.

[perseverance_rules]

Thanks Hope. I wanted to be there at the hospital period when she has the baby, if she wants me in the room and permits me I would do it. My main concern was the wondering whether they would assign me as the father if I did that. If I dont sign the paperwork, I wouldnt be the legal father until after the results are in. I just hope me not signing then wont cause her more grief with me. Afterall she put herself into this mess not me. Would I still have to pay for the paternity tests to be done? probably so huh? sux to be a man who was cheated on and has a baby on the way...very unfair all the way around.

[avman]

You will generally not be the presumed father unless you are married. Just showing up in the delivery room won't do it either. You can both sign a "Recognition of Parentage" and that would establish paternity, however you generally cannot contest it later (some areas allow for a limited period of time to rescind this). So if later on you have a DNA test and you find out the child isn't yours, you are still on the hook for child support.

 

What is on the birth certificate is meaningless. Those can always be amended later. What matters is the legal definition in the area where you live.

 

You should know that she is not legally obligated to allow you in the delivery room. So if you want to be there, I'd suggest being very nice and asking gently.

 

I really recommend you see a lawyer familiar with the laws in your area. They are in the best position to advise you based on the way things work in your location.

[perseverance_rules]

Thanks avman. I was looking up info to get a lawyer if for nothing else to know my rights when the baby is born, and what to be prepared for.

 

My ex suggested I be there only if I agreed with her that I wouldnt deny my child (even though she gave every reason for me to doubt it).

 

Getting a lawyer for advice seems to me the best route to take because I would be getting advice away from anyone else, and she doesnt need to know anything about it.

[perseverance_rules]

Well she called me a bit ago and we spoke. I almost didnt answer because my feelings are still so raw about the whole deal. But I brought up the issue of me being able to be in the delivery room with her and she wants that. I told her that it is her decision, but would like very much to be there to witness the birth.

 

She agreed. Thank goodness for that. I told her that even though I have had my doubts she cannot blame me, and she understands that. But now Im ready to believe her and hold my doubts to myself around her. She told me that she wants me to be there through the doctors appointments when shes a little further along, ie ultrasounds and such. I agreed. Basically our thoughts are that we need to be friends through this in order for anything positive to come out of it all. Us arguing or bringing up bad vibes would only make her want me out of the picture.

 

What she said was that if Im there for the birth I dont have to sign anything but that the nurses will want to make sure Im the father of the child by her willingness to allow me there. I was happy that she agreed to that. Makes me more willing to believe her about it being mine. She also agreed that once the baby is born we will do a paternity test right then on all of us for legal reasons (child support) and wait on the results as normal.

 

So I guess my questions have been answered now. Funny how I thought of this so much this morning, made a post, and then she called to talk about that anyways...someone is looking down on me through this. THANKS!

[avman]

I'm glad you two are cooperating. No matter what the condition of the relationship, if indeed you are the father it will be so much better for the child if you and the mother cooperate.

 

I'd still be careful about simply conceding to be the father without a paternity test. But there is no reason to make it a hostile situation with the mother. Just do see a lawyer and explain the whole situation. Then make the decision you feel is right.

[perseverance_rules]

Yes avman, I have retained a lawyer for this as we speak. I wil be speaking to him some time this week. Its the smartest thing to do to make sure I cover my Wouldnt want this to bite me in the end ya know.

[karime2thestars]

Another perspective...

 

Do you truly love this woman and intend to get through this and spend your life with her, or are you just hanging around to find out if the baby is "technically" yours or someone elses? If you truly love her, maybe you both should discuss what it means to be parents. If this is the case, deal with the infidelity issue with her so you can both hopefully get beyond it. If you love this woman, it really doesn't matter whether the baby is "technically" yours or not. Establishing paternity is one thing -- great, your sperm and not someone elses, but being a father is another. Have you thought beyond the paternity test as to whether you plan to stick around or if you plan to split if the baby isn't yours? If the love between you is strong enough, stick around and be a father -- whether or not the child is yours.

[Hope75]

What she said was that if Im there for the birth I dont have to sign anything but that the nurses will want to make sure Im the father of the child by her willingness to allow me there.

 

I'm not sure about the place that she has picked to deliver the baby in, but I'm fairly certain in most places, you don't have to be the father of the baby to be in the room when the baby is born. Of course each place may have it's own individual rules, it is becoming more and more normal to have one or several family members or close friends present during the birth for support and comfort.

 

Nurses may assume you are, but that has no legal bearing, and you can simply correct them if you choose. My girlfriend had a guy friend and a female friend in the room with her as cheerleaders when her son was born, but the father was no longer in the picture and not present at the birth.

 

I'm glad you sought counsel from an attorney, avman gave you some good advice.

 

Best of luck with everything, and do keep us posted on what happens.

[perseverance_rules]

She is no longer with me now. I ended the relationship when I got word of her cheating. We briefly talked about the possibility of us making things work in the future, and honestly I think she wants that, but knows that I probably couldnt trust her. Her friends and family told her to try and get me back and in the picture becaue she hinted towards that on the phone. She has been really nice to me lately, better than she has been in months.

 

Right now, all I care about is whether this is my child. If it is, I may want to make it work, but Im not sure if my feelings will change over the course of her pregnancy. I do truly love her, but we were not married. It would definitely be hard to get back with her knowing that all my friends and family are disgusted in her and the situation Im in now. It may only push my friends and family away from me if I did do that. Only time would tell that, and I honestly cant think of them, I have to go with my feelings.

 

Thanks for the words, I appreciate a different view.

[perseverance_rules]

Well after her coming to visit my neighbor last night, all my thoughts have came back, ive been sitting here today thinking of her and how cruel she was to do what she did. i loved her...but realize its over and her coming by to go out with her friend over here i thought was rude of her knowing i knew when it was she cheated. it eats away at me, and i think she doesnt even care.

[Hope75]

Hey,

 

I'm sorry that you are having a bad day. I can't imagine how hard this is for you. Try to keep in mind that your only interest should be keeping civil as much as you can until you find out whether or not the baby is yours.

 

Hang in there, we are here when you need to vent.

[perseverance_rules]

Thanks Hope! Thats the only thing I have struggled with so much lately. Knowing I have to wait this long to find out my answer is painful, but as weeks go on I know I can make it out of the funk, Ive done it before. What makes it hard to deal with is remembering her words before shed go out, "Dont worry, you know who I come home to, I come home to my man." Seems like she only said that because she felt guilty...the whole situation of not letting me go to her 'ladies night out pub' comments were the red flags, but I have always said, a cheater always gets caught, and she knew that from me telling her early in our relationship...and her eyes teared up when I told her I knew.

 

I have been as civil as any man can be during all this, I could have been much more uglier about it all, but have kept my cool knowing it only makes things worse on myself in the end, especially if she took those rights away from me to be able to see the birth of the baby.

 

Thanks to all of you who have read my posts, the scars are there, but the ointment is time, its a long road, but I know I can do better, thats my strength.

 

Thanks!

[perseverance_rules]

Well this is strange. Last night my friend left to go out of town to a bonfire with his family. He asked me to come along but he said he may stay the night there, and I was tired and had to take my dog back home, so I went home for the night.

 

On his way there my ex'sbest friend before this all went down (the girl who told on her) called him to ask him what he was doing last night. He said that he was going to the bonfire and she asked him to come pick her up. They have been seeing each other for a year now, but he doesnt want to commit to her. Shes in love with him and doesnt want to let go of him, so she takes it as a friends thing but constantly lets hime come over in the middle of the evening for sex. She wants more than that for sure, but says shes needy too, but wishes there was more there eventually. Basically hanging on to him for a few reasons. He has told her that hes not interested in a relationship but tells her about other women in his life as well, which she accepts.

 

He then told her that he was too far to get her, and didnt want to turn back and to call me if she didnt have anything to do since I was heading home myself. This is what didnt make sense to me. I know I have become good friends with her because she chose to tell my friend about my ex's cheating and wanted him to know. She didnt have the chance to tell my ex first about her feelings about giving her the chance to confront me before my friends did, if that makes sense.

 

So this morning she calls me at 8:00 am to tell me what he told her, and basically cried to me about how much she loves him, and how much she feels bad for me for telling about what my ex did to me. I realize that she did it out of respect for me to make sure I didnt stay with her not knowing if this was my child or not, and thats where the respect i have for her is. I wish they didnt tell me now, I wish she would have had the chance to tell my ex to tell me first.

 

We must have talked for nearly 2 hours about everything. She cried to me, and I tried to tell her to move on, but didnt want to disrespect my friend by telling her it was no good to be with him. Its hard to be in the middle of that for sure. I would never get with her out of respect for everyone and wouldnt want there to be bad blood between anyone over it. I know shes in love with my friend and wa the best friend of my ex, and that wouldnt be good for anyone.

 

She told me she should have called me to at least go hang out at a pub together as friends to not have to be stuck at home crying about being lonely and bored. I wish she would have. My nights here have sucked because Im on my pc more than anything lately to keep my mind off things if Im not with friends.

 

Well after a few hours my exgirlfriend calls me. I answer the phone hesitantly and she asked me to look for her moms keys again because she lost them somewhere. The conversation only lasted a few minutes and I was wondering if thats all she wanted to do. We do still talk occasionally because I work with her but every time I do, the situation comes back to me ten fold. I understand that it will take time to get over, but it just seems like it would only drag out forever staying working there with her.

 

I dont know what to do about all of this. Her friend told me this morning that when she has the baby she guarantees shell change and will come asking me back in her life...but would that make sense? My friends and family would be horribly upset at me for taking her back...but in the end its up to me right?

 

She never once appoligized for her actions to me. I brought up the question whether she would want to try and make it work and she never declined that. I have the feeling too that she would want to try that, but its a wait and see game for me. If the smoke clears and we love each other enough and she sits and talks to me about things, I may do it. Is that wrong? Supposedly it was a one time thing with the guy and she thought we should have split up before that, but she didnt.

 

Im very confused about what she thinks about, and it hurts me so badly that Im stuck with all these thoughts on a daily basis. If only I could fast forward time.

 

I almost wish I wouldnt have taken either of those phone calls now ,but it was good, and it was bad in a sense for me in my healing.

[Hope75]

She hasn't apologized at all for what she's done to you?

 

I don't think you are going to be able to move forward, at least as a couple, until she acknowledges responsibility fdr her actions, and apologizes to you.

 

You are right, in the end it's up to you whether or not you choose to forgive her and try to make things work, not your family. If this baby is indeed yours, than you also might consider that your family.

 

However, I just don't see this working out if your ex can't apologize and try to work through this with you. She will need to accept the consequences of her actions and work tp regain your trust and respect.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[perseverance_rules]

She has acknowledged the fact she was wrong and admitted that to me and everyone. We just havent talked about it any further than that because she knows how hurt I still am. Not sure what and how her emotions will change in the future about me being in her life.

[perseverance_rules]

Feeling very good today....BORED, but good. I talked with the ex's friend for another hour this afternoon and in the end I was content. At least I have the ups and downs, and not all downs lately. Its good for me to look forward to the future, and not dwell on the past or what could have been. The longer I go the more I will realize that she isnt the only woman in this big city that could mean something to me.

 

Hard to say that, but it IS true. Hopefully I wont have too many bad days this week, but if I do ILl remember today....because today I havent dwelled on her too much, and am starting to put the pieces of my life back together.

[perseverance_rules]

Well some news on the exgf. She lost the baby last week. It was so very hard for me to hear from her. I cried for the first time in years. She didnt apoligize for her actions and we argued on the phone for a few minutes and I told her that I was truly sorry to hear she lost the baby, but when she went on about how she would never apologize to me for any of it, I told her to go to hell and ended the conversation.

 

The next day I felt so horrible for letting the conversation get to that point and decided to page her so we could talk about how the D&C went. She didnt return my call as I expected.

 

The following day I called in to the office to talk to my boss and she answered saying he was out of the office and I asked her how she was feeling, and how things went. She told me that she didnt think I cared since I told her to go to hell, but I told her my emotions about what she did overshadowed what the real facts were, and that I truly felt sad about her losing the baby.

 

She cried to me for nearly 10 minutes telling me how much she was sorry for everything and that I was a great guy all along, and that she wished me luck in finding someone that gelled with me better. I felt so happy to hear this from her I nearly teared up as well. This conversation went much better, and I now know that her feelings for me were lost because we didnt spend the time together she had wanted and that our views on different things were different to the point that we argued way to much and made each other pull away from on another too often.

 

She is a great woman in the sense that she is so very caring and helpful in so many ways to her family and friends that I couldnt believe she would do this (cheat) on someone who loved her as much as I did.

 

THings have gone much better with me since I heard those words from her and hopefully it will help me recover easier, but some days are great, and some are bad for me. Today is one of the bad days because Im thinking of her so much that I cant stand the thought of not being with her anymore. A baby is what we both wanted so much, and the sex between us was so great, but the relationship was where things lacked, and you cant have the latter and make things work out in the end.

 

IM sad today and missing her very much. I hope to find someone that loves me for me, and realizes that compromise in relationships is key to keeping the one you love.

[saltwatergirl]

She has treated you badly. I know you wish she would acknowledge that and you could feel vindicated. Probably won't happen, set your mind to let that go and focus instead on finding some peace.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through this, and my sympathies on the baby.. You are doing the right thing, take care of yourself and distance as much as you can from this person. You will be back to normal soon, and feeling much better. It's tough, I know. Hang in there.

 

Salt

[perseverance_rules]

What happened to the last few days of my posts?