4 girls in 7 days, Help?

[lifeiscash]

Recently my roomate who is one of my good friends just broke up with his girlfriend last week because he found out that she cheated on him. He has been having a rough time lately but has been going out every night to meet women and TRY to move on. Basically, he has slept with 4 women in the last week with no intention to have anything else but just sex.

As a guy, I have to congratulate him on the job well done but it makes me pity the girls. I mean seriously, I never really knew how many girls were into just one night stands.

 

I never really been into one night stands, but have had them before. They are not really my style because I see it as insecurity and weakness. I lose respect for a girl once I find out she has had a one night stand, because I see it as compensation for something (low self-esteem, etc.)

 

Well my question to everyone is, is this a healthy way to get over an ex girlfriend... by going out and just hooking up with women. I told my roomate that I don't see it as healthy for recovering over a breakup, but he insists that after his last girlfriend (the one before the X) he did the same thing and it HELPED him get over her. Basically he is doing it again to get over his newest X. Do you believe that it really helps, or do you think he is burying his anger/resentment within himself and using sex as a compensation?

[DropToZero]

Hmmm...if it's helping him....I guess that's his way of dealing with it, personally I wouldn't know. But...at least he's not sitting around thinking of how to get his ex back...ya know?....so I would say he's at least movin on...somewhat well. Most people would wait a while b/c of the depression that usually comes from breaking up...

 

That's his choice tho, just make sure he's not getting into any trouble by doing it and support him as well as you can during this time.

[lifeiscash]

Drop to Zero,

 

I get what you are saying, it is a good thing that he is not all depressed, but isn't the ONLY way to recover from a breakup is to FEEL to HEAL. In other words, I'm worried for my friend because I don't think he is handeling the breakup in a healthy way. He also told me that the best way to get over a girl is ultimatley BLOCK HER completley out of your mind, develop in your mind that she wasn't even existant and erase her from your mind. Then he goes on a cycle by having sex with girls for a couple weeks and then he says he is over his x's... (dunno if he really is or not).

 

My question is... don't you have to feel depression and the stages of a breakup to overcome it and surpass it?

[reflectionlessmirror]

Gross.has he consider that his thingee is probably gonna get purple warts and fall off?

[reflectionlessmirror]

Just to add to the debate about sexism and one night stands...The male here is making himself less appealing for his next SERIOUS relationship as well as these women. The guy i have been hanging out with now told me his "number" (and i hadnt even asked) and it was the biggest turn off ever. I now know that he and i can only be friends. iam looking for someone who VALUES sex as soemthing special. This goes for males and females.

[kskm]

Ask him if getting over her in that way is worth getting an STD that he won't be able to get over for the rest of his life.

[lifeiscash]

First of all you assume that it's a standard that guys going out for sex are heros and women are to be pitied.

 

Secondly, you're congratulating someone who probably deceived others. You don't think he told them he'd call them or that he wanted more than just that night? Think again.

 

 

I don't consider it a standard but i view it more as an achievement of being successful with women in an aspect of his life, and that, has been congratulated. And yes he is decieving others but you can not put only blame on my friend. The women control everything about themselves and they are the ones putting themselves in the situation to be decieved. Although he might be lying to them and that in itself is wrong; if the women are not smart enough to wait for sex and have a one night stand then maybe they should learn from their mistakes.

 

 

 

By the way, society is US. Your views and mine. And they're not static either. They change. They're not something set in stone that we all should follow.

Your attitude will change over time because you'll find out it won't get you very far.

 

Your right, we control in ourselves what is valued and what we believe, we also do MAKE our society. Our differences are cleary demonstrated, and there IS a form of sexism code.. Men are often looked upon as heroes when i comes to sex, and women are often looked down upon.

 

And thanks for the comment about my attitude, its good to know I can bring so much e-motion into this argument

[heloladies21]

Don't tell him to stop, the way he's handling it is perfect. After he got cheated on his self esteem was shot. What he's doing is a great way to feel better about himself and there's always the outside chance that one of these girls could turn into something more.

[vfunkera]

Like the first poster said, its his, and commonly our, way of dealing with break ups. I would not be surprised if these girls were all rebounds- usually a short term relationship we get into simply because we miss the ex- but it also sounds like hes trying to keep his mind off her as well, and genuinely trying to move on by getting himself out there rather then sulking at home.

 

Rebounds are not healthy. They hurt you and the people you are involving. Keeping your mind off her, meeting new people, trying to live more without them etc is the best remedy you can get, not only for moving on, but also for getting your ex back. I would say the one night stands are a mixture of both of the above.

 

There must be room to cry and let it all out as well. As long as the rebounds continue, the feelings will still be locked up in him and will eventually come spectacularly exploding out some time in the future in another relationship.

 

What the one night stands tell me is that the relationship between him and his ex was more of a physical one- all about sex, because that is all he seems to be missing, not the commitments and dedication of a relationship.

 

Girls and guys are equal in terms of sex drives, girls perhaps have even higher sex drives then men. However, society teaches girls from a young age to hide it, because women and sex are consistently linked to unfaithfulness, temptations and the devil. The fact that more women are now going for one night stands is a positive change to the thinking that that, its ok for a man to be a pimp, but for the same behaviour, a girl is labelled a hoe.

[kskm]

Oh gosh. This post is going no where. It is NOT a perfect way to handle it. If he doesn't stop he'll end up being a father or have an STD.

[lifeiscash]

kskm, your right.. there is always a chance for him to have an std or get a women pregnant, but condoms help fill that role, even though there is still that small chance.

 

as for monetlisa, it's not like I lie to women to get sex, I don't even have one night stands. My opinion is very bold but I believe that if you are stupid enough to let yourself be decieved then you should pay for your consequences. There is no winning to both sides.. girl or guy.. there's only learning and growing. In time, I'm sure my friend will learn that all these one night stands is getting him nowhere, just like the women will learn the same.

 

 

I don't blame you for the way you think. I blame your dad.

 

Since when did my dad become part of this topic. My father doesn't have anything to do with my views, because I am in control of them.. he can only influence. Sad you have to try to justify something about me that you know nothing about.

[lifeiscash]

Monetlisa, I do agree with your comment about how you are saying that it is pent-up anger and that manipulation from men is common to decieve the woman. I am not dissagreeing with that whatsoever. But look at it from both viewpoints. It's wrong of the man, but women have to be smarter then the game. If they are going to just spread your legs the first oppurtunity then what exactly does that say about the woman.

 

Okay and then you comment on how nice guys don't do this. Well how about the women that do it? Are they nice women? I think it's only fair to say they are both not nice people if they are doing something that isn't exactly "nice".

 

And about your comment on how the guys that have posted are not decent guys, I don't think you know us well enough to judge what we are.

[lifeiscash]

I've stated from the begginning that decieving women is wrong. It's never a good things to do to cause pain to someone. But if a woman is going to do the same thing again and be manipulated again and let it happen, then I would call that "stupid".

 

In fact let me bust out my dictionary skills:

stupid: Tending to make poor decisions or careless mistakes; slow to learn or understand.

 

It's not okay to decieve stupid people. If they are that "stupid" and can't make changes so they won't be manipulated again, then I can't honsetly say its only the man's fault.

 

My friend will realize that decieving people will in fact get him no where, through time, and that way he will learn and grow as a person.

 

I develop my own beliefs due to my own experiences; people can only influence my beliefs. My dad didn't develop my attitude, his and mine are not the same. Your stating facts about my dad who has been happily married for 30 years and from a family where his parents had been married for 60.

[lifeiscash]

nightshade

 

I did enjoy your post. You had alot of argumentative aspects in it that I read. See the things is, you are comapring me and my roomate. I am nothing like my roomate. I am ONLY congratulating my roomate on the fact that he has been Successfull with women. I keep saying what he has done was in fact WRONG, I never said it wasn't. He should say in the very beginning his real intentions, but MANY guys out there are not like this. I'm sorry that this situation might have even happened to you directly, maybe not. Either way my point is that I do believe he is wrong, but women need to take the necessary steps within THEMSELVES to make sure something like this won't happen to them again. Maybe like, not sleeping with someone you hardly know. I am against men that treat women bad, I am a faithful person when commited with a woman.. I'm sorry you women got the wrong impression of me.

[nightshade19]

Okay. i'm glad to hear that you think your roommate is not doing the right thing.. You still have issues about what constitutes an Undecent woman yourself.. but i've got to go to work...

No.. it's hard to know whether the guy is lying alot of times.. Yes. it IS best to know someone for awhile... sometimes the lies will come out in time.. other times.. guys are just so good at BSing.. that they won't come out for a long time...

I'm serious about the STDs though.. it is said that over 40% of the sexually active men and women now have some sort of STDs... i don't know what types of women he's sleepign with.. but if one of those girls was your friend/sister.. i doubt you'd want to have her risk her health sleeping with this guy.. It's good you are standing up to him and asking him to question his ethics..or ARE YOU?

 

Maybe if MORE guys did this.. guys would stop being such hounds.. women would stop being played over and over.. and we'd have less STDS in the world...

[lifeiscash]

Back-peddle? Never.. I only move forward.

 

My one night stand was with a girl when I was out of town on vacation. She knew nothing would progress, but yet she pursued the sex.

 

Basically you think I am congratulating my friend's success based on his deciet. Not so, his means are wrong but being naive is no excuse for a girl to not respect herself. They are both at fault equally, because he is not a "good" guy and she doesn't "respect" herself.

 

Somehow I think your reasoning went like this: "Well if she's stupid enough to fall for it, I might as well take advantage of it. That's what she gets for being stupid."

 

How am I to take advantage of it when I don't even get involved with one-night stands? I wouldn't date a girl that did. As for him, he shouldn't take advantage of it, thats wrong. But then again its not his fault for her being stupid either.

[arwen]

I could be wrong, but wasn't the purpose of this topic to discuss the concers about your friend's behaviour?

 

I think for him, the same holds as for what you say about women having one-night stands. He is in pain, and his self-esteem is probably really low due to the breakup.

 

I would be concerned too, but I think it's quite a regular behaviour after a heavy break up. He wants to feel something else than the ripping pain of the loss of his girl, and tries to escape that feeling by having sex with others. Maybe to forget having sex with his ex. Other people bary themselves in work, or start drinking a lot for a while (or at least more than usual), others throw themselves at sporting, etc. This might not look like the most healthy way to heal, but it's his own way, I guess.

 

If things continue like this, you could maybe talk to him about it. In fact, I'd stay out of this for now (it has been just a week, right?).

 

In fact I think your concern shows you care about his wellbeing, but I wouldn't act on it right now. Maybe just casually ask if he's ok, and make sure he's practicing safe sex.

 

As for the women, they have as much choice in having sex with him as he does with them. At least, I assume he is not forcing himself onto them.

 

Ilse.

[avman]

Flaming posts have now been removed. Read [link removed before posting again.

[Mun]

I'm not sure I would agree that this is a healthy way for your friend to get over his ex, but I bet it's pretty common. Like someone else said, jumping from one bed to another is probably going to boost his self-esteem--but I doubt he will find a meaningful relationship that way. I mean, sure it's possible but probably unlikely. Then again, he isn't looking for that anyway, right? He just wants to push his ex out of his mind for now and is using sex to do it.

 

Is it working?

 

Now, we can think what we want about a man who is having sex with many women ( who are willing partners). We can be angry about it and say he is probably lying to these girls, and maybe that's true. That does not take away from the fact that we women are responsible for ourselves and we have choices.

 

Lifeiscash said something similar to this "...men often think that if a woman is willing to believe his lies and allow herself to be used by him, then she deserves just what she gets..." which is found in this article: link removed[/i]]How To Get A Man To The Altar.

 

Remember:

Nobody is going to look out for us--WE have to look out for us...and we have to be smart.