26 yr old Mamma's boy!

[Unemotional]

Hi all..I need some good advice on how one would deal w/ my type of situation..Ive known my current boyfriend for 6 yrs & have been in a relationship for close to 2 yrs now..Everythings OK w/ our relationship except the fact that he is 100% a mamma's boy.She was a single mother-his father left him & never kept in touch,so it was my BF & his mother all his life.I understand they would form a close relationship but when I say the relationship is a little sick,believe it..

 

She is close to 60 & has never remarried and hasnt been in any relationships w/ men,so she is lonely & depends so much on my BF that it actually inteferes w/ our relationship.He still lives w/ his mother b/c he is supporting her(she retired) & they share one car,so when my BF and I have plans & she wants to go to the store or something-our whole day together is ruined b/c he has to run & take his mother wherever she wants to go.She actually invites herself out when we have plans to go out & eat and have a romantic night out together.

 

There are so many other situations I could get into but dont have a year to explain it all.The point is is that my BF doesnt see anything wrong w/ the situation-doesnt mind that he brings his mother along out w/ he and his GF..Its to the point that I feel like the outsider-like the 3rd wheel and that his MOTHER is HIS girlfriend..Its that bad & the sad part is is that I cant even bring this up to him because he will defend her to no end & i'll be the bad one left out in the cold.I will never win an argument w/ him when his mother is involved..

 

What would someone in my situation do about this? deal w/ it & just go along w/ it even tho its a sick & unheatly situation???

[DN]

Have you talked to him about this, not in an argumentative or critical way, but in a way that he can understand that you need his time as well?

 

Maybe ome sort of compromise can be worked out - but if not, and nothing changes, you may have to decide if you can live with this, or reluctantly let him go, and find someone who has more time for you.

[Spirits Away]

Yeah, see it as one package since

(You) will never win an argument w/ him when his mother is involved

 

Kind of strange that he doesn't see anything wrong with the situation.

[Hope75]

I have to agree with the previous poster, given the choice he will always pick his mother over you......sorry hon.

 

He doesn't see anything wrong with it, even though there is something wrong it if it interfering in your relationship so much.

 

You've told him how you feel and he doesn't see any problem with his relationship with his mom, so you have one of two choices:

 

1. Accept that she will always come first, even after you marry and have children if that happens.

 

OR..

 

2. Break up with him.

 

You are not going to win this battle, no matter how hard you fight.

 

Some boys just don't grow up.

 

Sorry....

[marijo2480]

There's something about this that you have to understand. If you aren't the guy's wife, family always comes first.

 

With that said, to some extent, I can understand him dropping plans with you to take care of his mom's needs. After all, she's been there for him for 26 years....something you won't be able to do unless you marry him and reach your 26th year anniversary.

 

I agree that you should talk to him about your concerns with this, especially if you guys are serious and plan to marry one day. It'll interfere in your marriage, and you don't want that. Try to resolve things now. Understand that his mother will always be there. If he's willing to compromise, try to turn this around to benefit the both of you. If he's not willing to compromise, and you're obviously not willing to deal with it (rightly so) then break up with him.

[imagi]

I can see the previous poster's point..

 

However, should there not be a point in this guy's life where he realizes that his relationship with his mother is interfering with the possibility of him having his own family and close contacts. I can understand your frustration. My ex boyfriend wasn't half as bad as your boyfriend that your with now, and it drove me nuts.

 

Hope's right though. You're going to have to make a decision about whether or not this is something that you can deal with for the rest of your life, and if it's not.. you're going to need to figure a lot of things out. This guy is not going to change, and if he isn't listening to your concerns, then he isn't even respecting your opinion on the situation.

 

It's sweet that he cares for his mom the way that he does, but you guys need to have time for the two of you that is mother free also.

[RayKay]

Ugh, that is not a great situation, though on the plus side I guess at least she does not *hate* you...because that would make it even worse!

 

That being said, I can definitely empathize and understand your frustration. Assuming you have talked to him I think there are few routes open for you:

 

1) Accept that she will always be this way, and he will allow it. If you think it is bad now, wait until you have children....

 

2) Keep on him about it where he will eventually blow up at you and run back to mommy..

 

3) Try the honest and straightforward conversation again, hoping it will sink in this time and he will realize how much it hurts to be brushed aside for his mom all the time. Realizing once again it probably won't sink in and then I would say you should go for Option 4.

 

4) Accept she will always be this way, and don't allow it. Leave.

 

Unfortunately the fact that he is not even listening to your concerns and dismisses them as he does is very disrespectful and shows he is truly NOT ready for a mature relationship, nor is he ready to cut the apron strings, or at least slacken them a little bit! And so you have to decide what to do, given the chances of him changing anytime soon might be slim since your talks have had little effect so far...

 

I respect people who take care of their family, family IS important, but you should also have a important role in his life, and if you are feeling like he puts his mother first ALL the time at the expense of you and your relationship, you need to make some big decisions about what to do.

[Hope75]

There can be a medium. My bf's mom is a single mom (his father passed away when he was 2, he is 30 now and she never remarried or got serious with anyone) and she adores my bf and is very involved with his life, he helps her and does things for her and I think it's very thoughtful and kind. I love her too, and she loves me.

 

Having said that, my bf knows where to draw the line so that we have time and space to have a good healthy relationship, and his mother also knows she has boundries too.

 

He could be attentive to his mother's needs and also make time for you and your relationship, but he consistantly puts her first and pushes you back, and when you've brought it up, he doesn't listen or respect your opinion.

 

This to me spells a recipe for disaster, and you have been fighting against this for close to 2 years now, it isn't going to change, only get worse if and when you marry him and try to raise a family.

 

Ever see the episodes of Sex and the City with Charlotte when she married Trey (and his mother Bunny??) It's a nightmare, and you have to decide if you are willing to accept it or leave him and move on with your own life.

[Spirits Away]

I guess trying to solve the problem would only make you the evil one doesn't it.

 

But then again, i have to remind you that we side with you because we are also selfish, and we see that if we're in your position, it may also be a problem for us. Doesn't make us anymore right than your boyfriend; in fact, to leave a mother, who does not have anyone to depend on, behind for his "own sake" may, in his mind, be an unhonorable thing.

 

Having said that, it all leads down to how much you can compromise. When i first came to a western Country, there's a transition of cultural change from a dependant relying culture to an independent culture. Some radio show here in Canada actually states "Look, the guy is 22, he should be outta his house already" I don't know how many people would nod to this statement, but as an immigrant, I hear it as an exaggeration rather than a normal fact.

 

I don't know whether your boyfriend is affected by his original culture or not but it's something to look into, and you may very well have to accept who he is if that's the case. I realize people who need mom to decide on his life are more introverted than those who break free from mother. If that's the case, that's simply a part of him.

 

I don't think testing who is more powerful would lead to anything good happening (not saying you are). But at least tell your boyfriend that when you guys are out together, you want to spend time alone and not with his mother around. I'm sure it's a legitimate request given couples are suppose to have their own time together.

 

There are only few routes that this relationship will go:

 

1. Mother finally understand what you've been going through

2. You compromise

3. You and his mother both compromise

4. You not compromise at all and live miserably

5. You leave the relationship

 

There will be numorous solution from these few routes. You can focus on one and use your creativity to see if you can make your life better. Don't focus on how your boyfriend doesn't have his own opinion or his mother shouldn't do that. For example, if you pick #1, you wouldn't give her an attitude of dislike towards her because your purpose is not to create resistance, but to have her understand your point of view.

[BellaDonna]

Yikes....I can't think of anything worse than a momma's boy.

 

Keep in mind there is a difference between a real man who loves and respects him mother, however there are those that are sickly tied to their mother's apron strings......

 

I don't think you're asking him to give up his relationship with his mother. I think you just want your time with him to be YOUR time. That is quite understandable. She should also care about him enough to let him "be a man" instead of tagging along on dates. It does sound unhealthy.

 

How about you try asking him if he can be sure to take his mother to the store long BEFORE it's time for you to go out. Let him know you like his mother and value the close relationship they have, but you would like some time with him alone. (I mean, if you're going to be in a sexual relationship she CAN'T be around during "romantic" times)

 

It's perfectly fine for the 3 of you to do things together- but have those events scheduled separateLY from yours and his time.

 

If he cannot manage to make time for the both of you then it might be wise to leave the relationship. Marriage and children will only worsen it. She may want to plan the entire wedding and complain that she does not see the grandkids enough. If she's the type with the mentality that "no one is good enough for HER son" you'll always hear how you should be cooking, cleaning, how HE likes things, and how to be a better parent. I saw this happen to my own aunt, until she was finally led to divorce. Sad thing is, she really LOVED her husband, but just couldn't take it anymore.

 

Unless you get it under control now, the future could be grim. Again, you're not asking him to give up his mom (that would be unreasonable), you're just asking him to manage his time in a healthy manner that will work for EVERYONE involved. Speak up now, or this will always be an issue.

 

Good luck to you!

 

BellaDonna

[DN]

Yikes....I can't think of anything worse than a momma's boy.BellaDonna

 

A Daddy's girl or Momma's girl is not worse but is equivalent.

[Unemotional]

Thank you all for your replies.I talked to him about a recent episode that took place 2 days ago where we were suppose to go out to a romantic dinner and he invited her along...I asked him if he seen anything wrong w/ his mother coming along and he responded as follows:

 

"I didn't see anything wrong with it. Yes it was romantic. I told my mom where we were going and it peaked her interest. If she wanted to go I didn't see anything wrong with it and I would never tell her to stay home while we go out. But I do see where you are coming from .

After all my mom has been through I won't do that to her. She doesn't get out much and though it is romantic for us I refuse to hurt her feelings by telling her to stay home. I try very hard to make everyone happy. "

 

Just by reading that I can see he will never see the relationship as unhealthy.

[Spirits Away]

I somehow sense, from what you quoted of him, that he's trying to prove himself right. You're right he won't change. They're very difficult to live with. Very very difficult.

[DN]

But he is making you unhappy. I really am sorry to say this but if he can't see that then I think you should sadly let him go and find someone with a better understanding of how to manage his relationships.

[Unemotional]

Ugh! Its such a hard situation ...We have been through way worse than this and I dont want to break up w/ him over this.I have invested too much time.

Im in the process of trying to work something out w/ him,hopefully he will compromise

[Unemotional]

Ugh! Its such a hard situation ...We have been through way worse than this and I dont want to break up w/ him over this.I have invested too much time.

Im in the process of trying to work something out w/ him,hopefully he will compromise

[Spirits Away]

Why don't you say something like this

 

You know, if you really want your mother to be happy, if you want to mean well for her, you wouldn't be doing this. You'd try to develop her ability to have her own life, and not dependent upon anyone.

 

Somewhere along the line. What you're really saying is that "if you're trying to prove that you meant well, then look at this, you are harmful by doing this to her."

 

of course, he already know your intent but chances are there if you set the tone right.

[BellaDonna]

"I didn't see anything wrong with it. Yes it was romantic. I told my mom where we were going and it peaked her interest. If she wanted to go I didn't see anything wrong with it and I would never tell her to stay home while we go out. But I do see where you are coming from .

After all my mom has been through I won't do that to her. She doesn't get out much and though it is romantic for us I refuse to hurt her feelings by telling her to stay home. I try very hard to make everyone happy. "

 

 

Oh no....it sounds like this man is VERY FAR GONE.....

I fear the worst....

 

It also sounds like he might feel a little guilty....especially if he's saying "after all she's been through" etc. Maybe he feels guilty for exisiting and he thinks that her life would be easier if she didn't have him to raise. Maybe he's trying to make up for it now. Whatever the motivation is, it's not healthy.

 

You know, if you really want your mother to be happy, if you want to mean well for her, you wouldn't be doing this. You'd try to develop her ability to have her own life, and not dependent upon anyone.

 

I agree that you might want to try saying that. Though it sounds like he's on the defense and brainwashed. If you can't get through to him, just remember that there are plenty of other guys that would probably love to spend time with you (without their moms).

 

BellaDonna

[Unemotional]

Well I plan on talking to him about this later on when he calls.If a compromise cannot be reached,then I dont know what to do.I really DO NOT want to end 6 yrs of friendship and 2 yrs of BF AND GF over something like this

[Hope75]

Well I plan on talking to him about this later on when he calls.If a compromise cannot be reached,then I dont know what to do.I really DO NOT want to end 6 yrs of friendship and 2 yrs of BF AND GF over something like this

 

I'm sure you feel like you have alot invested in this relationship, but try to think, are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life?

 

When you have children, his mother will still come first, are you ready for that?

 

Heck, she will probably be living with you at that point.

 

You have to decide, but don't expect him to change.

[RayKay]

Well I plan on talking to him about this later on when he calls.If a compromise cannot be reached,then I dont know what to do.I really DO NOT want to end 6 yrs of friendship and 2 yrs of BF AND GF over something like this

 

It is understandable, however you also have to think long term.

 

If he dismisses your concerns so easily, do you think that will change later, and when more serious things arise?

 

If his mother is allowed to such a degree in your personal life now, what if you were to marry and have children? Do you want her there also giving input on how your kids should be raised for example?

 

If you were to make plans for a romantic holiday away, how would you feel when mom showed up at airport as well to come along (and chances are she would!)...or on your honeymoon even!

 

There is more to a successful, healthy relationship than love alone, and right now he seems to be lacking the care and respect for you...sure there is plenty for mom, but what about YOUR needs as well?

 

I have a feeling that even if he could "break away" and marry/live with you, he will be looking for another mother..not an equal partner.

[Spirits Away]

Take notice that art of convincing counts a lot in your idea. Think of what matches the logic of the idea before you bring it to the table. He may take consideration of the idea, but if you're not prepared to answer his concern of how it would help his mother, he wouldn't be convinced. You got only one shot at it. Also, make him visualize what's there for him if he can make his mother independent. I'm sure his mother is somewhat of a burden for him all these years. If only she can be both happy and independent of him....... wouldn't that be nice... expand from there. And if possible, create a solution together. Of course, it's all very idealistic talk, but always be prepared incase things do go this way.

[BellaDonna]

I have a feeling that even if he could "break away" and marry/live with you, he will be looking for another mother..not an equal partner.

 

Very good point. He's got baggage written all over him. However since you have many years invested in this relationship I can see why you're torn by this situation. But don't stay for the sake of habit.

 

I would be very persisant and tell him how you feel. If he REFUSES to even entertain the possiblity of changing, then you'll have a difficult decison to make.

[lisa_k]

Hi there,

 

Just wanted to let you know that I was in a situation that was almost identical! My advice to you is to RUN, don't walk, away from this relationship. It's fine to see that one's mother is cared for and isn't wanting for anything. It's also fine to take her out to dinner once a week, etc. The problem comes when he chooses her and her needs over you. This is iimmature and selfish on both their parts. If he was completely devoted to you, he would set limits with his mother. If his mother was any kind of a decent person, she would not be interfering in this way. Bottom line: They both want things this way, otherwise things would be different. There's no way your relationship can progress; and no way that you can be happy and content.

 

Good luck to you!

[ShySoul]

Surprised no one has mentioned this:

 

Fix her up with someone. Certainly there are lonely 60 year old guys who could take out for a romantic dinner. That way she gets someone to care about her, he doesn't have to feel guilty about not always being there for her, and you get your guy all to yourself. Everyone wins.