Did I get raped?

[shorty20]

but it is my fault because I DIDN'T say no... i didn't stick up for myself and tell him that I didn't want to do it, so how is it not my fault? How can I not blame myself for feeling so crappy when I could have prevented it??

[DN]

There is a difference between active and passive. This was something done to you not by you.

 

You may have been unwise not to have said or done something but that doesn't mean that you are a bad person, or that you did something really wrong. As I said, the best thing to do is to learn from mistakes not to let them overwhelm us. Use this experience to improve your judgment in the future, don't let it cloud your judgment now.

 

George Santayana said: "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

 

But that does not mean that we let it rule us.

[shorty20]

k... i think i get it now.... I don't know... i just can't help wondering if it wasn't rape, then why do I feel so awfull? It wasn't rape, but I didn't want it, so I can't believe I let it happen, and for some reason it is just hitting me now... 2 months later... and it has to happen when I'm trying to get close to someone else.... someone who is already scared I'm going to run.... I guess I'm just a bit overwhelmed.... I do feel at fault... I should have never put myself in that situation... should have never given him room to take advantage of me at a vulnerable time... but you're right... leave your guilt in the past but take your lessons you learned from it with you... but what is the lesson? That I shouldn't get close to a guy again? I thought I knew this guy, and it turns out I was severly wrong about him... how many other guys will I be wrong with? Know them for months, let my guard down to have them prove my instincts wrong??

[DN]

No, it doesn't mean that at all. It means that in the future you let guys know clearly what your boundaries are. That 'no sex tonight' means exactly that. It means that you are self-assertive in relationships - not passive. That does not mean to say that you are aggressive and in his face. But when you say 'no' you keep to it. Not just in sexual matters but in anything.

 

You negotiate things, of course, and are accommodating as best you can. But if you really don't want fish and chips when deciding what to eat, you say 'No, thanks' and don't change your mind. That way, people don't see you as someone who can be persuaded to do anything because she can't say 'no'. If you can assert yourself in that way, early in a relationship, then you are setting boundaries, and he will know that 'no means no' whether it has to do with sex or anything else.

 

Negotiate and compromise - but don't let anyone take advantage of you.

 

Oh, and by the way --- you are not 'guilty' of anything.

[shorty20]

alright... well thanx so much for helping me out with this.... hopefully I'll be able to get past this feeling and just keep moving forward with Josh... I really really hope i can...really want this to work... don't want to make the same mistake twice....

[kskm]

Just make sure that next time someone decides to climb on top of you that you want them to be there. Otherwise tell them to GET OFF! Be careful... but don't let what happened to you ruin your life. That's the biggest lesson I had to learn- that I had to not let it effect my life except in positive ways.

[suprema99]

I think your just upset that now your with this new guy, and the other guy that probably doesn't mean as much currently, you feel now you just wished it all never happened. There's nothing wrong with that. Like people were saying, it's in the past now. Maybe at the time, in the moment, you just couldn't make that decision. But I'm sure now you'll have a better understanding that if your really not feeling it at the moment, say no. It sounds like you weren't getting hurt, so I think you technically didn't get raped. It's just a learning experience of making better decisions for your ownself. Sometimes making right desicions at the moment are tough to make.

[Meow18]

Sorry, this is a little past when the topic was brought up.

 

I think you should talk to Josh. You don't need to tell him what happened, however, you should tell him that you think he's a wonderful guy and you really want things to work, but you have been disrespected in the past and it would really help you if you moved slowly with him.

 

I really think that moving slowly with this new relationship will help a lot. You need to build trust with him and it's obviously harder for you to be able to trust guys (which is totally understandable!). If this guy is as wonderful as you think he is, then he will understand. Of course, whether or not you want to move slowly is your choice. I don't really know anything about what you think about that. But I do think it would be wise.

 

Also, don't blame yourself for what this other guy did to you. It's true that you didn't stand up for yourself when you should have, but it's all a past issue now, and you seem to realize all that. You are obviously regretting not telling him to stop, so that just proves that you learned something from it all. And from what you learned, I doubt that you will have an issue with this again.

[babybear]

I think it sounds like rape. You told him you didn't want to so before he did this he should have asked you again to check if you wanted to now not just go ahead and have sex with you anyway. This was a form of rape, it may not be violent but you did not consent it.

[suprema99]

Baby bear, How many times would he have to ask or is supposed to ask? the answer is one time.

[armchairshrink]

Shorty, First let me say I'm so sorry this happened to you. To be 'violated', and then left wondering what happened is awful.

 

To answer the question in your original post: Yes, you were raped. NO, it was not your fault. I reread your original post to be sure. When he entered you, you said you were surprised, and too shocked to say anything. In a word, you froze. A lot of people do this when they're scared, shocked, or surprised. We don't always react the way that is legally acceptible as evidence when bad things happen. We don't always react the way we wish we had later. I'm a notorious "Monday-morning quarterback" myself.

 

I think that the person who posted the difference between 'legal' rape and 'psychological' rape hit the nail on the head, so I won't rehash it here. Unfortunately, I also agree with the others that you probably don't have a legal case, but I'm not a lawyer. I find it interesting that he apologized and "said he shouldn't have done it" afterward; to me, that sounds like an admission of guilt.

 

As for all that "no" business: OK, so you didn't say it explicitly. But you did say you "questioned" him when he took off your pants. His reply, that he was only massaging your legs, was not entirely truthful, was it? He knew what you meant. He knew he was doing wrong. I guess what I'm trying to say here is it was not your fault. If this guy is as big a jerk as you've posted before, then no amount of "NO" would have stopped him. He would still have raped you (and maybe it would have turned violent); you just would have been able to stand up in court and say you made your unwillingness clear. I'm sorry you were made to feel that this was your fault. It really wasn't.

 

My advice from here is to focus on YOU -- your feelings, your healing. Talk to someone, call a hotline. Get support from your friends and family. If the legal question still bothers you, maybe a hotline or women's shelter can direct you to a lawyer who will answer your question without charging you your life's savings. Just deal with this now, or it will continue to bother you. Good luck.

[Gracelove]

Even if it wasn't "rape", you none-the-less felt violated. And that is a horrible feeling. He knew he was wrong which is why he apologized. I understand your pain. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure how to tell you to move on.

 

I lost my virginity to my abuser. The last time we slept together he gave me the option of giving him a blow job, or having sex. It was awful. At that point the abuse had taken it's toll and I could no longer fight. It was very painful, because I wasn't receptive to it at all. He pushed himself inside of me, their was no lubrication, natural or otherwise. I felt violated and I don't want to have sex again either.

 

I can't really offer advice, just the comfort that someone else understands where you are coming from.

[yeawutever]

Techinically, it's not rape cuz he didn't use the two letter word or say somehting during penetration. How did u expect him to know u didn't want to have sex if he didn't say "No" to it. Now if u had say "No" and he still insisted then that would have been a different story but u let it happen.