A wicked diatribe.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Upon waking up this morning I felt the need to go into a diatribe.

First: I have lost almost all interest in sex.

Having been abstinant now for two and a half years, and having been pretty much posioned, enraged, or put off by any woman I have been close two since then except for my ex who is also my best friend, I feel pretty empty.

Suddenly I am totally bored with porn. I can't get an erection looking at it anymore. Sometimes I might as well just be trying to wank to static.

The beautiful girls on there don't turn me on anymore.

Second, whenever i tried to visualize a woman sexually, I can't. It's like I draw a blank.

I can't even sexually visulize anything anymore except in brief flashes. And when I do, I am left vacant.

I am not angry at women. I am quite fond of most of the females that I know.

I simply left feeling that I am going to die. That the world is going to end in a burning star. That my youth has been spent miserable. etc, etc la la, la la. It's not self-pity. I have felt that before. I feel more gratitude than anything. Mostly just a sense of...emptiness? Loss?

Furthermore, my appendage, which used to measure at (I say 7 1/2, my lover said eight) can't get beyond five at the most anymore. There is no blood flow and it bends.

At first I thought this indifference was because I missed my meds yesterday, and once about five days ago, but then I realized I already was having this problem.

Then I thought maybe it was the meds, but they never did that before.

Now I feel such anger, such bitterness, my heart is full of mercury. I imagine there are microscopic cackling witches in my brain holding giant spoons. These witches are standing besides my gushing synaptic bridges full of neurotransmitters and are scooping my happy chemicals out of my dendrites and axons. Everyday I wake up wondering when I am gonna be an old man and my chance at living my dreams will have passed me by.

If I had known when I was a teenager that I was gonna feel this way up until this point I'd probably have sucked on a gun. However I am not suicidal. Not full of life. Not anything.

Except maybe a dettached sort of appreciation of how the world and everybody around me is essentially gonna die and be forgotten about.

At least the meds are spurting enoughn serotonin through my brain to make things tolerable for the moment. Still tolerant isn't enough. And my shrinks are and have been some of the best, most prestigious in the world. Go figure. Hmmm. That diatribe felt good. Ahh feel a tad more positive now. Ain't great, but man that felt much better. Time to go get breakfast.

[Burning_Down]

and having been pretty much posioned, enraged, or put off by any woman I have been close two since then except for my ex who is also my best friend, I feel pretty empty.

 

I'm feeling that. I can't even be bothered making an effort with women anymore. I'll make enough effort to get them into bed and then I lose interest (and feel guilty) - I think because I no longer see any future in it. My parents are divorced and I've had my heart broken too many times.

 

I similarly feel empty.

 

*edit* although I'm still attracted to women I can't have. If I got them, I think I'd get bored though.

[Day_Walker]

I dont know what issues you have confronted in your past, exactly what happened with your ex or the medication you are currently taking but it seems that this phase you are going through is a step in your process. Yes your realizations seem dark and most would say depressing but they are true. That doesnt mean that because everything is going to die it cant have some kind of meaning. I cant recall where I heard this quote but I believe it applies to your situation "life is about finding meaning in the suffering". Yes you can see the end (the death of everything around you, even yourself) but what is important is the journey.

[Arrowsmith]

From what I hear, sexual side effects like what you're describing are very common in people taking anti-depressants. You should definitely talk to your doctor about this. It's possible that he won't be able to do much since psychiatry/neurology is still pretty primative, but on the other hand a change your medication might really help you out. This is a medical issue.

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Arrow not this time it isn't. I am familair with the sexual side effects of medication. This is more psychological. I felt pretty uinspired by pretty much everything although not always.

[Arrowsmith]

Could it be that you're just kind of burning out on sex? I mean, when I was a little kid, the idea of Christmas was mind-blowing to me. Now it doesn't excite me like it used to. I've been through it a few times -- I know what it is and what it isn't. Is it something like that? I actually don't want sex nearly as much as I used to. I chalk it up to experience. It doesn't upset me (anymore than not being hungry upsets me).

[Napoleon Bonaparte]

Arrow it has been two years since I had sex and I was with my previous partner (who remains the closest person in the world to me) for five years before that. I am 27 not 37. My sex drive has resurfaced however I find frequent bouts of depression with the occasional feeling of impeding doom screws my desire for it up which is a common symptom.