continue relationship w/ undesired future?

[EmilyE]

Hello Everyone! I'll try to make this short! I am currently in a WONDERFUL relationship for about 1 month, and what makes it even better is that he has been my best friend for the past 5 years, and it has turned into something more, which is great!

 

The problem is that he has always said he never wants to have kids, and i really really do! I want to have the perfect "dream" family w/ a marriage, 2 kids, and a dog. And by the way, there is no changing his opinion! So, eventhough everything is sooo great right now, should we let it go any further if EVENTUALLY this will not take us where we want to go?

 

He has even been bothered by this, becuase he is really falling for me but doesnt want to get hurt in the end if, like 2 years from now, i have to break up w/ him because i want a family and he doesnt.

 

So, what should we do? I really dont want to end something that makes me so happy, but i dont want to hurt him in the future!

 

Thanks everyone!

 

Emily

[shes2smart]

The problem is that he has always said he never wants to have kids, and i really really do! I want to have the perfect "dream" family w/ a marriage, 2 kids, and a dog. And by the way, there is no changing his opinion! So, eventhough everything is sooo great right now, should we let it go any further if EVENTUALLY this will not take us where we want to go?

 

If the child issue is not negotiable for you...if you know you absolutely will not be happy if you're not a mommy...and he knows he doesn't want any, ever, then I'd walk now. Kid/no kid is one of those rare areas where you cannot reach any sort of workable compromise with a partner. Meanwhile, there might be some great guy you could have a great relationship with who does want kids...guess what...you're not going to be available to meet/become involved with him because you're with the "no-kid" guy. Not a great scenario, huh?

 

You don't mention your ages, but that is also a factor in terms of fertility. All other things being equal, a woman in her 20's is going to have an easier time getting pregnant than a woman in her 30's. I have a friend who had no problem getting pregnant in her 20's. She had 2 kids with her first husband. She & husband #2 wanted another child. She was 33 or 34, and despite several in-vitros, could not get pregnant again. It was heartbreaking just watching her go through all of that and still not get pregnant.

 

In life, we each have our path to walk. At various times, there will be things that tempt us off our path. Is this friendship-turned-relationship one of those things? That's a question only you can answer. If you were to spend a few years in a relationship with this guy, and he doesn't change his mind about children, how might you feel if you start to hear your biological clock ticking?

 

True, he might change his mind...but do you really want to stake future motherhood on that? It's also true you might date for a few months and the relationship will fizzle. We never know how long we'll be with someone, after all.

 

I'll leave you with this: in the relationships I've had, the ones that have worked out the best long term have been the ones where I and my partner have had similar relationship goals *before* we became involved.

[OhioHeartBroken]

Hi Emily,

 

I guess there is no easy way to answer this and ultimately it is your decision to make and should not be made lightly. I am only offering insight from my personal experiences and I hope it helps.

 

You will have to do some deep thinking on what is more important to you. Spending the rest of your life with a wonderful person but not having children or breaking it off now so that some day you can possibly meet another just as wonderful person who does want children. I think most people would agree that if you do not think this relationship will take you where you want to go then it is best to end it now before you both invest so much in each other. For both of your sakes; as painful as it may be it would only be worse further down the road.

 

My ex and I always spoke of having kids, getting married, basically having that "dream family". Well now she not only does not want to have kids anytime soon if at all, she did not even want to get married because "settling in suburbia" sounds so boring. I know it's not quite the same but it is painful when you think your partner is ok with an issue or wants a certain thing and than breaks up with you later on down the road because of it. I was devistated, I was a month away from proposing to my high school sweetheart of 8 1/2 years. I am speaking from my own pain and experiences. Rather than telling me directly how she felt I had to find out through friends that my ex just didn't want to settle down but when she broke it off with me she just drudged up old problems and blamed everything on me.

 

Another thing you may want to consider is that your friendship with him may be salvageable because you have not been dating for very long so even if you do decide to break it off maybe he could still be in your life in the same capacity he was before you two got involved together.

 

I hope this helps and like I said it will require some thought and just remember that just because you break up it doesn't have to mean the end of your friendship. Sit him down and talk to him, explain how you feel and just do your best to help him understand the decision you made and why. Communication is key especially if you want to save your friendship.

[RayKay]

This is a tough situation, but I think one that is important for you to be thinking about...it is very important that if we are planning long term, we share similar goals and values for the relationship...at least if we want it to be a strong, lasting union.

 

Now, neither of you YET know the future however I think in terms of long term planning, this is a serious deal breaker. If one of you is adamant about wanting children, and the other about not wanting them, then unfortunately I think it is best for you both to part if there is no willingness of either to budge.

 

Otherwise, what happens in five years when you are wanting to start that family, and he reminds you he always said he did not want children? Would you feel right in sacrificing your desire for children? Would it be fair to pressure him to have them? Both of you knew your opinions from the start, and expecting a change would be unfair.

 

Yes he is wonderful, just as I am sure you are wonderful...but sometimes in life it also turns out that though we may love someone, we may be completely incompatible - and to me the issue you two have right now shows a big incompatibility in terms of your future goals. There are other wonderful people out there who WILL share similar goals, but being with this one hoping he changes his mind will prevent you from meeting them, and you may be pretty lost when he never DOES change his mind (I would go on the basis he won't...).

 

I don't know how old you two are...when you are younger it is more likely maybe ideas will change, though don't stake your time and love on it. If you are older, you are likely more set in your ways and even less likely to change your mind.

 

Some people may say to go for it as all that matters is love...but I would say for that love to last and be strong, it is important we share similar goals, values and a similar FUTURE and love should not involve you sacrificing your desire for children, or him to sacrifice his desire NOT to have them either....you should not lose out on your goals and values for someone...while love involves compromise it does not involve total sacrifice of those things.

 

If children are important to you to have absolutely, and he definitely does not want them, I think you really need to consider whether long term you will be able to have a mutually healthy, happy union.

[marijo2480]

If having children is something that you are dead set on, I don't think this guy is the right guy for YOU. He may be nice, sweet, etc. but unless something happens to him to where he decides that he does want children, I doubt that he will change his mind about his feelings regarding this just for you.

 

I would recommend that you think about how important having kids is to you. If it's a must, talk to him and ask him if not having kids is his ultimate answer. If so, leave him. Move on to another great guy, that wants to have children one day.

 

Keep in mind that there are some women out there that may not want kids, which would make a better mate for him as would a guy that wants two kids and a dog be a better mate for you.

[Hope75]

My cousin dated a guy for 7 years who did not want to get married and have kids. She very much did, and they both knew each other's wishes from the start.

 

At 7 years, she gave him an ultimatum, marry me or leave. He didn't want to leave, so he buckled and married her.

 

Shortly afterwards she wanted to have a baby. He said absolutely not. Can you guess what happened? He left, and she had to start all over again.

 

If this is very important to you, you should not sacrafice this for anyone, no matter how wonderful they seem. He has every right not to want a family, and has been open about it with you, telling you how he feels. Don't expect him to change his mind either, in 7 years you could be sorely disappointed,

 

I'd walk if I were you, I want kids too badly to give that up for anyone who does not.

[Day_Walker]

As long as you have opposing views on this issue then I doubt that either one of you is going to give. It would seem that since you both dont want the same thing, it would be best if you remained friends.

[Mr. Cactus]

This is such a tragic scenerio. The exact same thing happened to me. I lost what was thus far my only ever chance of a permanent relationship because of this same issue (and my lack of any religion). She wanted a child, I did not. I cited the cost of bringing up a child, and the fact that our incomes - even in the best case scenario - would make it really difficult to bring a child up the way I felt a child deserved. And then you have to think even longer term - ie when they are grown up and need to have a university education, get a car, help them with their first house, etc. I takes a LOT of money. I also felt that since both of us suffered from chronic medical conditions, that bringing up a child would require a commitment beyond our physical capabilities. I just felt her dream was not consistent with the harsher reality of things, but I fully respected her views. Furthermore, I realised that if she met a healthly, rich bloke, she could fulfill her dreams. So at that point I called it quits for her sake.

 

Anyway, I am not saying there is any lack of judgement on the part of either of the parties in this case here. Just that in my own case, I am no longer even friends with this person. I couldn't handle being around her anymore, knowing I was so deeply in love with her but we could not come to any agreement on this - perhaps the biggest of all issues. It is a classic case of what RayKay so perfectly said: Sometimes you come accross someone you are in love with but you realise there is absolutely no chance of having a successful relationship. In my experience, the deal breakers seem to be agreements about finances, children, religion and location. I really think all of them need to be sorted even in the early stages of a serious relationship.

 

So I am afraid I have to agree with the others. The issue of having children (or not) is definitely a deal breaker. I am so, so sorry. I really empathise - truly I do.

[dreamadonna1]

Wow. Everything that people have said here is very true. Please listen to it, Emily. It may be difficult at first to accept the truth of what it is you know you need to do, but it seems that you already realize that the answer to your situation is to go ahead and quit while the both of you are ahead. Trust me, it will be far better in the end. I do sympathize with what you're going through. I'm dealing with a situation right now where I feel like I know what I need to do, but definitely don't want to do it. The problem is, I've waited sooo long. The mom of a friend of mine said something recently that has stuck with me (more like hung over my head like a dark cloud). She said that it takes no more than 6 months in a relationship with someone to know whether or not you and the other person can really last; in that time period of 6 months or less, all the truths will have come out and if you are honest and accepting of the facts of how both of you truly feel, what your likes and dislikes are and whether or not your goals match up, you'll be able to discern if your relationship is on target or if you'd be better off as friends or whatever. I totally agree with her advice. In your case, Emily, I think you know that you and your boyfriend's goals don't match, whatever you may feel for each other. And lucky you, you found this out after only a month. Take advantage of that and stay good, close friends!

 

My partner and I have been together for just over 5 years. We recently bought our first home together, and have been talking about having a vow ceremony and about having kids for a few years now. So all the discussion is there, and we both agree that those are things that we want. Still, even though we pretty much have similar goals of wanting a family, there are other things tugging at me now, and I'm realizing that I don't know if I really want all the things I thought I wanted before with her. I love her very much, no question, but I must admit that for me much of the passion is gone and there are actually times that I wish we could just be great friends and go out partying together. We argue pretty often nowadays, but then can be so loving too. It's confusing when I try to figure out what to do- stay or go. Then there's the issue of feeling comfortable in the relationship and not wanting to give that up (never a good reason to stay in). The thing is, after we started living together, 4 years ago, things got harder, as they tend to do. I did notice from shortly after we started living together that there were little annoyances here and there, and issues that we had to agree to disagree on, but you know how when you're in love, you push those little things aside and keep thinking positively? Well, I feel that we totally did that. *SIGH* All of the signs have been there for a long time, they've just been ignored. If only we'd been more honest earlier, maybe we'd have made different choices. Or, who knows, maybe we would still be together like we are now, but maybe I'd feel like it was meant to be. I used to think that, but now I'm not so sure. But now we have a house and joint things, and everything seems so final, though I know it isn't. Now I feel like I may be depriving my partner of the fully, 100% sure and committed person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I'm just not certain that's me anymore. It would definitely be a lot harder to pull away now that so much time and emotion has been invested.