dreamadonna1

My girlfriend and I have been together for over 3 years, but I've been bored with our sex life for a while. I've tried initiating different, kinky things, but my girlfriend always makes me feel like a pervert or something. She thinks it's cute when I want to do "freaky" things but she doesn't seem particularly interested in actually trying them. It appears that in her high school and college years she was wild and crazy, slept with a bunch of different girls (and some guys), and had all kinds of experiences, sexually; so now, she's feeling very tamed and satisfied with those types of activities. I, on the other hand, was a late bloomer in every way; I grew up in a strict household and was so brainwashed that even by the time I went off to college, far enough from home to let loose, I didn't go buck wild like I probably could have. Now I'm thinking that maybe I regret that. There are so many things I'd like to try, WITH my girlfriend. She's my partner, not just a sex buddy, and I love her. At the same time, I wish we could be more sexually adventurous; I feel like we have the commitment and stability to back that up. My biggest fantasy is having a threesome with a good friend of ours who I find very attractive and quite available for that activity. But my girlfriend is COMPLETELY against threesomes. I can't get the thought out of my head these days, though, for some reason. We've talked about it tons of times. I've even come to the point of thinking that if I could just go about things the right way, maybe I could convince my girlfriend to try it, but she's a very jealous type and maintains that she doesn't like multi-tasking in bed. Is there anything I can do to convince her, or should I just forget this fantasy once and for all?

Gosh, from what you described in your first post, I almost feel like you are describing me. My poor partner must feel the same way about me. We've been together five years, though. So I guess for us it's like you said, things have been shaky for a long while but somehow we've managed to stay together. Goodness, you'd be amazed how long two unhappy people can stay together "making it work." It's crazy, though. I think that you and your girl may need to have a serious heart-to-heart before you've wasted/invested any more time in your relationship. It sounds like you have some very real differences, and maybe just aren't right for each other. I suspect you may even know this already but may be having a hard time accepting this. For me, it's getting to be harder and harder to not deal with the fact that I don't feel as in love as I once was. I always said we were soulmates, and we both loved the fact that we were such opposites. We both had similar upbringing and some significant similarities in our lives that pulled us together, but yet were still so different as people. And we thought it was great, but now I think that a lot of those differences, the different outlooks and beliefs, are causing us grief right now. We just about each day too it seems, but honestly, we've been doing that for the last four years of actually living together. Now we have our own home, and I feel like I can't escape for fear of losing the comfort of the relationship and ultimately her friendship. Be careful. Take a serious look at where the two of you are right now and where you want to be. Maybe you'll find that you don't really compliment each other as well as you'd hoped, but if you can stay friends, that could be something you both will need.

Wow. Everything that people have said here is very true. Please listen to it, Emily. It may be difficult at first to accept the truth of what it is you know you need to do, but it seems that you already realize that the answer to your situation is to go ahead and quit while the both of you are ahead. Trust me, it will be far better in the end. I do sympathize with what you're going through. I'm dealing with a situation right now where I feel like I know what I need to do, but definitely don't want to do it. The problem is, I've waited sooo long. The mom of a friend of mine said something recently that has stuck with me (more like hung over my head like a dark cloud). She said that it takes no more than 6 months in a relationship with someone to know whether or not you and the other person can really last; in that time period of 6 months or less, all the truths will have come out and if you are honest and accepting of the facts of how both of you truly feel, what your likes and dislikes are and whether or not your goals match up, you'll be able to discern if your relationship is on target or if you'd be better off as friends or whatever. I totally agree with her advice. In your case, Emily, I think you know that you and your boyfriend's goals don't match, whatever you may feel for each other. And lucky you, you found this out after only a month. Take advantage of that and stay good, close friends! My partner and I have been together for just over 5 years. We recently bought our first home together, and have been talking about having a vow ceremony and about having kids for a few years now. So all the discussion is there, and we both agree that those are things that we want. Still, even though we pretty much have similar goals of wanting a family, there are other things tugging at me now, and I'm realizing that I don't know if I really want all the things I thought I wanted before with her. I love her very much, no question, but I must admit that for me much of the passion is gone and there are actually times that I wish we could just be great friends and go out partying together. We argue pretty often nowadays, but then can be so loving too. It's confusing when I try to figure out what to do- stay or go. Then there's the issue of feeling comfortable in the relationship and not wanting to give that up (never a good reason to stay in). The thing is, after we started living together, 4 years ago, things got harder, as they tend to do. I did notice from shortly after we started living together that there were little annoyances here and there, and issues that we had to agree to disagree on, but you know how when you're in love, you push those little things aside and keep thinking positively? Well, I feel that we totally did that. *SIGH* All of the signs have been there for a long time, they've just been ignored. If only we'd been more honest earlier, maybe we'd have made different choices. Or, who knows, maybe we would still be together like we are now, but maybe I'd feel like it was meant to be. I used to think that, but now I'm not so sure. But now we have a house and joint things, and everything seems so final, though I know it isn't. Now I feel like I may be depriving my partner of the fully, 100% sure and committed person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. I'm just not certain that's me anymore. It would definitely be a lot harder to pull away now that so much time and emotion has been invested.

I guess that's true, once our housemate leaves, I'll probably think of her less and less, which is good. I definitely think that her being here, coupled with the fact that I was attracted to her to begin with, makes it hard to get her out of my head. It IS hard when you have to see the person all the time. My condolences to you. Good luck!

Yeah, you're definitely right about the grass not always being greener. I've seen examples of that in enough other relationships and situations to know that I don't want to end up in regret. Thanks for the advice.

My partner and I have been together for 5 years now, and we recently purchased our first home. We're both very excited about it, and I am happy in the relationship and very much in love with her, but have recently become concerned about feelings that I've developed for another person. We decided, shortly before moving into the house, to rent one of the bedrooms to a friend of ours who will be living with us for about a year. I've always found this person attractive but now that she's living with us, I have had her SERIOUSLY on the brain. I usually think fantasies are pretty healthy, but I feel like I'm really spending a lot of time wondering what could happen with her and imagining kissing her, or better yet, being in a threesome with her and my partner. But my partner would never, NEVER go for that, and I feel wrong for even thinking of it. I highly doubt I'd actually DO anything with these thoughts and fantasies, even if my friend was even interested (which I don't know, although sometimes I wonder...) or the opportunity ever presented itself, but I know that keeping your mind on something for a while can lead to things that shouldn't happen. Any suggestions on how to get past all these thoughts without completely losing it and talking to my friend (or partner for that matter) about them, which I'm prone to do out of guilt and the want to release some of my feelings about why I'm thinking this way?