Self esteem through the floor...

[phil1981UK]

Hi Guys,

 

The girl i wanted so much for a year and a half finally moved in and has been with me for 3 months now.

 

She is from a differnet country and for that year and half we only saw each other every 2 months or so. During all the time apart i was so anxious about what she was up to.

 

I thought it would all stop if she moved in with me so she was close to me, seems i was wrong.

 

Now she is here i am still anxious, maybe even more so, i really want these feelings to stop, im not joking when i say my hair is starting to fall out with the stress!!!

 

I will give you a few examples of the basis of my anxieties...

 

1. If she comes home even 20 mins late from work i think she has being seeing someone, i know i know, 20 mins a day affair, i dont think so either, but my anxiety is massive and i feel sick and tense!!!

 

2. Today she called me at work and i asked what she was going to do this afternoon (she works part time), she says she is going down to the lake to lay in the sun in her swim suit... next anxiety kicks of thinking of her laying there and some guy coming over and god knows what would happen next.

 

I make up all the worst possible scenarios in my head for what she is doing and i feel anxious all the time.

 

She dosent know i feel like this, it would cause a problem if she knew as she would think i dont trust her.

 

But she sometimes makes me think i cant trust her, if some good looking guy is around she eyes him up, and i dont mean a casual look i mean staring and smiling as if im not even there!!! And she is good looking and the guys always return her stares and smiles and its like im just getting in the way of something!

 

This dosent help my trust of her.

 

But i really dont think she would actually cheat on me, i just cant stop the constant axiety.

 

Can anyone give me some advice to help me calm down and stop these feelings?

 

I know for sure it is my low self esteem that is the root of the problem, what can i do about that...i have always had it...

 

Help!!!

[Cecelius]

1. Do not let her know you feel this way. She will conclude that you are weak, you will become less attractive and the relationship will fail. Fake it till you make it.

 

2. Shut the BS "eyeballing" down. When you see her eyeballing a guy, bust her on it. Tell her to go get his number, or go get it yourself (tell the guy that your "friend" thinks he's hot). Act like you don't give a f--- until your really don't. You enjoy her company, but she can be replaced at a moment's notice.

 

3. Make sure you are doing your job: romance her, do things without her, don't tell her everything you're up to. Make sure you are giving her your best work constantly at night.

 

4. Find some things that make you happy, fulfilled that do not involve her. Exercise, sports, whatever. Set goals and achieve them.

 

5. You are the only you you have, she's one girl out of billions on the planet. Take care of yourself first and foremost.

[heloladies21]

Above is really good advice.

[Mun]

That is really good advice Cecelius.

 

I think the bit about " she can be replaced" can apply to men as well ( or gals in this situation). He is not everything...he can be replaced.

[shell_bell456]

that's terrible advice! Communication is always the best solution. Maybe you should consider talking to a therapist, if your anxiety is that bad. Acting like you don't care will just make the problems with your relationship worse, making her feel like she can "be replaced" is not a good idea. It will just make her feel the same way that you do. If you don't have trust in your relationship, it'll never work.

[WuvWolf]

I agree with Cecelius... although communication is a great base for a relationship, protect yourself first. More often than not, tell her you are jealous and showing her you care shows weakness. Some girls are different though... I would take my chances with the smooth, and confident ranther than whimpy, caring.

 

BTW what Cecelius wrote does not mean that you don't care and does not avoid communication. Jealousy is just something girls dont like if it is in abundance... a little lets them know you care.. but as for the rest .. out the window! Good luck