I need to vent this out....your input is appreciated

[KillerCat]

Ok, here it goes, I have been living with my girlfriend ( she is 27, I am 31) in the north west for 4 years now, I'm from the east coast

I have been here because we have 2 boys (2 and a half and 4 y/o) that I love with all my heart

( although I am only the biological father of one of them..but that is another story), my relationship with "mommy" was great until last year when after we argued over something really insignificant and she ran to the kitchen and tried to cut her wrist, I was quick to react to this and nobody was seriously injured (physically).

A week later I was packing my things and I was ready to leave, but I thought of the boys, I also realized that her action was way out of her character. her mother came over and we sat down and talked. Bottom line is I agreed to stay if she went to counseling. After the incident she went out of her way to make the relationship the way it was before the incident, she knew(because I told her) that I didn't look at her the same way.

I wanted to save our family so I agree to go to counseling with her, that helped me understand why this happened and also how to prevent it (she was on medication for a while after that) , but it did very little in getting my feelings for her the way they were. I honestly forgave her, I just don't feel the same way anymore, she is a great mother and I wish I could fall in love with her again...I tried having some quality time without the boys, didn't work. I "forced" myself to be the same person I was with her before, since she tried so hard to make it happen ,but nothing I did or do feels the same, let me give you an example... I bring flowers because I know I made a habit of it and to a certain extend she expects them , not because I couldn't wait to see her face when I show them to her, she has gone from beautiful to just cute, from a great girlfriend to a friend, her personality has also changed quite a bit this year, she has some friends that are not exactly people that normally she would spend time with but I have no saying on who her friends are ( as long as they behave in front of my boys) so it is even harder to see the person I fell in love with . so here I am, not willing to give up and neither is she, facing with the fact that ever since the "kitchen incident" we have been slowly growing apart, she knows this ( I have talked to her about everything i just wrote here) and it is painful to her ,and now is at the point where Im seriously thinking of moving out again ,this I have not told her yet.. I really don't want to be away from the boys, they are the most important thing to me and I worry sick about my kids being around different "friends" of mommy after I go and what they could be exposed to, I worry about her emotional status, I think she is going to blame herself and Im afraid she might go into depression. I'm not concerned about money because she will always have my support on that matter. all this worries have kept me here for another year, but is paying a heavy toll on me. staying is really difficult, but I think leaving might be worse for everyone....I have not met anyone else or anything of the sort, It is just not there anymore. I can't be selfish, as a matter of fact I have to be realistic and realize that if I leave eventually she will move on even if she swears she will notbut I can't expect her to stay single....Im taking a leap of faith and taking her out on vacation and I will leave the kids with grandma. I figure this will make it or break it.

[DN]

The vacation is a great idea. Try to relax and have fun rather than go with great expectations of coming back with the relationship repaired or broken completely.

 

Even if it only helps a little, you may find it is one step towards putting things back to where you were when you were both happy. And that could make all the difference for you, your girl and your boys.

[heloladies21]

Do what you have to do. Everyone deserves to be happy, most of all you.

[itry]

i really hope all things work for the better...for everyone. i commend u in all ur efforts.. u actually got me teary eyed. my daughters father didnt try hard at all for our daughter. he just up and left....and found himself a new girl without giving it a chance.

 

ur post gave me hope in men out there...thank u

[Cassyniner]

I'm a bit ambivalent here...While I too admire your wish to do the right thing by your kids, it isn't a good idea to stay in a relationship "just" for them. It sounds like from the tone of your post that you care about this woman a great deal, but maybe are not in love with her anymore. If that is the case, chances are she already knows it on some level. When the relationship ends it will only add to her pain to look back and realize that you stayed with her for the wrong reasons. If you do care for her don't you feel that she deserves a chance at true happiness with someone who will be completely in love with her for herself? I may be way off base here, but just my 2 cents...

[KillerCat]

I agree, she does deserve that, as much as I worry for the kids, they are not the only reason why Im still here, I worry about her too, and maybe you are right, maybe I should just walk out and let her find what we once had...but I am not leaving without a fight....after this vacation, my decition will be final, but i can't just leave and wonder what if i tried a little harder, when I leave if i leave, I would know for sure that there is nothing else i could have done...thank you for your post...I definitely agree with you, she deserves to be happy, with someone, all im trying is to make that someone , well, me..

[Cassyniner]

That's cool Killercat--You will feel much better about everything if you try everything in your power to work it out before leaving. I know I did when I had to leave my husband. Years later I had to break up with a guy I really loved, he was my best friend. The problem was I wasn't in love with him, and I felt he deserved that. He ended up married to a girl who adores him, and they have a son. I still love him enough to be happy I did what I did, even though it hurt him at the time, he deserves the best, and it wasn't me!

[newts]

Good on you, this vacation will either make it break it for the relationship. Sometimes it's so hard to leave an unhealthy relationship when there are feelings involved and I admire you for trying everything before you are willing to give it all up. I hope everything goes well for you. Mommy and your kids are so lucky to have such a great partner and father.

[KillerCat]

ok, I am moved out, I only took one of the cars and my clothes, the rest is here, the kids are not acting any different since I take care of them while she is at work... however I do miss not putting them to bed... she still wants to go on vacation and I wonder why, the purpose of it was to save the relationship and now there isn't one rather than being parents..

I have not met anyone and not planning to, have a stalker friend but that is under control, she just went too far the moment she found out about what happened, i can't consider someone that is happy about my break up and being away from the boys my friend.. that is about it so far, staying busy....