Dealing With The Past; Accepting, Forgetting...

[Eket]

First a little bit of background. I've never really understood how this is done. 20 Years old, i've been through quite a few things in life. Some of it is mentioned on these here forums. (Some recent ones, Mom died not too long ago, and another person's past that is close to me) I think however it all leads down to the same thing... Dealing with it.

 

I have many experiences in my life already... but still the stuff from years back are bothering me today. People, tell me to accept it, it can't be changed, and then forget it. I have so far been unable to do so...

Since, I can't figure out how this is done it is causing friction with the person i love cause how do i deal with her past... when i don't even know how to deal with mine?

 

I could definitely use help on that, and i was thinking of gathering the information made by people and make it into a sort of guide. That could be sticked or something, i don't know. I'm certain this topic comes up rather often. Even though i cannot seem to find much using search.

 

Well... looking forward to some reactions.

 

Greetings

Mike

[AlwaysConfused]

Do you talk to your loved one about your past? In order for one to overcome the experiences of the past, it's better to talk them out. Try to find out what exactly is bothering you and then deal with that. If necessary, talk to a therapist. It would only hurt you more if you lost this relationship due to trouble with your past. Also, try to remember that your loved one wasn't involved in your past, so don't take it out on her.

[Eket]

Do you talk to your loved one about your past? In order for one to overcome the experiences of the past, it's better to talk them out. Try to find out what exactly is bothering you and then deal with that. If necessary, talk to a therapist. It would only hurt you more if you lost this relationship due to trouble with your past. Also, try to remember that your loved one wasn't involved in your past, so don't take it out on her.

 

She knows about it. I do talk about it. She isn't bothered by my past at all... i am bothered with hers. I just don't know how to accept, and forget and so. But yeah talking i have done more then enough...

[DN]

You can't alter a fact in the past. It is not whether you remember that is important but how you deal with them. Try to put them into context.

 

For instance: your mother died. Are you just fixating on the sense of loss and bereavement that you feel or are you able to also think back with love and enjoyment and remember the good times that you had with her. her love and support. The times you enjoyed a joke together, or when she soothed your hurts and fears when you were small.

 

As long as we remember someone close to us, especially with love, they never really die - they are a part of us.

 

Bad stuff happens to most of us, but the way to deal with it is to learn from it - use it to make you stronger, not weaker. There are many examples of people doing this. For instance Douglas Bader, an Englishman, lost both his legs in a flying accident while in the RAF before the war. When war broke out, he persuaded them to let him fly again and became an ace fighter pilot. Later, he he was shot down over Germany and captured, he escaped - twice, and had to be imprisoned in a place for hardened escapees. Follow his example and turn problems into opportunities.

[Eket]

That is what i'm sort of trying to achieve... separate the bad memories from the good ones, and then only think about the good ones... i am very bad at it, it seems =_= cause constantly my mind shifts to the bad ones instead of the good ones...

[DN]

Well, then you have to make a conscious decision to flip it back again.

[Eket]

Not doing so well with that DN... =/

[DN]

Keep trying - like any other mental exercise it improves with practice. If you can get even a little improvement every day, eventually you will win.

[Eket]

Keep trying - like any other mental exercise it improves with practice. If you can get even a little improvement every day, eventually you will win.

 

Is it possible for you to help me further on these exercises...?

[DN]

Two things that may help:

 

Allow yourself two periods of time a day to think about all these things that are bothering you. Say, 20 minutes each. Go through all this stuff over and over, letting yourself think about anything that is negative in your life. Then, when the 20 minutes is up, only allow yourself to think of positive things until the next session in the afternoon. Don't do it in the evening, especially just before bed. Each day, reduce the amount of time by one minute until you reach ten. Then eliminate the afternoon session. Reduce the morning session further until you are out of the habit of thinking negatively.

 

To help you stop thinking negatively, wear a rubber band around your wrist - not one that's very tight. Every time you catch yourself thinking negatively, snap the band on your wrist hard enough to sting. The little bit of pain will take your mind of those thoughts and remind you that they are not helping you. You are also self-conditioning your mind to avoid the physical pain by avoiding those thoughts.

[Eket]

Ok, i will try this method DN. However i fear i'll be using that rubber band nearly all day long... cause i think about it nearly all the time, even if i don't want too, and tell myself to focus on something happy...

 

Edit Ok.. been trying that... my hand hurts like >_

 

Edit 2: I don't know what it is DN.. even if i think about something good, some of that junk is like always present in the background >_

[Eket]

Sorry for the double. But i figured i will post here what is currently bothering me the most. That thing that is constantly active in my mind.

 

It's my girlfriend she had some cyber, and i did also before her. I guess no biggy... she is a virgin real life... actually i knew this before i got involved with her, it didn't bother me then. Several months into the relationship nothing still... actually just since a few days ago, it has been filling my mind...

 

still i tell myself it's silly, it's stupid... who cares about something like this. It was even just a roleplay so they were using characters they had created. It wasn't even real..

 

I don't get it why does this bother me now of all times =/ i don't want it to bother me...

[hurtwou]

hunny, the past...what can I say....alota of stuff from the past can keep you from great stuff in the future. You cant let the past control you, whats done is done, and you cant live in the past.

[WalkingWithGod]

This kind of stuff is supposed to bother you and it might eventually go away, but just remember that people are not meant to have sexual relationship with more than one person ever. Most people have had multiple sexual relationships, but make sure that you don't cause her to have more. Don't hurt her more than she already has been hurt. If you care for her and want to be a man, you will protect her and allow her to leave her relationship with you with no more sexual history than when she started. Good Luck.

[mystik]

This kind of stuff is supposed to bother you and it might eventually go away, but just remember that people are not meant to have sexual relationship with more than one person ever. M

 

I'm sorry but, I think times have changed quite a bit! Please do not say that people are "meant" to be one way or another. I understand that this is something you believe, and you are entitled to your opinion... but, I think people are meant to be themselves. I can relate to the belief that people should only have sexual relations with those they love, and maybe that might only be one person in his or her lifetime. BUT, I don't think it is fair to say that it is wrong of someone to behave or believe otherwise... like it is immoral of the person or something.

[sonjam]

Hi there. I had the same idea the other day about the sticky post and decided to write about my experiences with therapy, since I too, find it very difficult to move on from things that happened in my past, since I was a young child until just the other day!! have a read here I also talk about the exercises they did with me in therapy, and some other posters added very valuable adivce!! Maybe somewhere in there is something you can use??

Same as you, the reason I did this was to prevent the past from interfering in my current happy marraige and the relationship I have with my husband and little girl. I would do anything to keep it healthy, but you can only do that if you heal the old wounds instead of letting them fester and bleed every now and then.