The Saddest Day In My Life :(

[bigred3]

After a six year relationship with my girl she tells me yesterday she is not sure she feels the same way i do about her. This took me for a total surprise because i thought everything was going great and we where having a good time.

 

this is quoted from a friend on msn " It's not really a problem between you guys at all, but only being with one person from such a young age makes you have question, feeling change and you have to make sure it is what you want before it's too late really" (we have been together since we where 16-17 and really we where each others first real boyfriend/girlfriend)

 

I really dont know what to do from here , i feel so sad that i can't eat, sleep or watch t.v. nothing really matters right now

 

i mean this could be a phase we are going through and everything could be alright but if not the loss of her will be like taking half of my soul.

 

im so confused please help

 

bigred3

[brando]

has any action been taken, as far as breaking up, not sure if you specified????

[bigred3]

from what i can gather she needs time to think about things , i have told her in the past 2 days how i have felt, i have to leave it up to her i guess , i dont wanna get to pushy and i dont wanna guilt her into anything , im just really sad right now and wish she was here

[DN]

also, do you live together? Has she said what she wants to do? Was this after an argument or out of the blue?

[bigred3]

no we don't live together and to me this defintely came out of the blue because personally i dont remember us having problems , im gonnna copy a msn log i had with our friend about it , to see if you guys can pick some stuff out .....

 

 

Michele... says:

i"m not sure what to tell you, it's nothing you did wrong, she has wondered for a while why you guys were together, if she was just confortable, and I guess it took getting out a bit to realize that she would be ok

Michele... says:

Don't think this isn't hurting her, it is killing her too, she really wants to at least be friends, if nothing else is possible, and she feel aweful because she thinks she is abandoning you

Michele... says:

She just has a lot of feeling she needs to sort through

Steve says:

do you think it's over for good?

Steve says:

or could we work out our problems

Steve says:

because i can't see myself not with here, i think it's gonna kill me

Michele... says:

I'm not sure if it's over for good, I can't really answer that, I was only talking to her briefly today, and at work

Michele... says:

It's not really a problem between you guys at all, but only being with one person from such a young age makes you have question, feeling change and you have to make sure it is what you want before it's too late really

Steve says:

so you think i should give her time and see what happens?

Steve says:

im not good with this stuff i really dont know what to do

Michele... says:

Yes

Michele... says:

I know, it's not easy, Mike and I were there remember

Steve says:

atleast u got back together

Steve says:

there is hope i guess

Michele... says:

She just needs some time, and you have to try and not to make her feel bad for doing the right think

Michele... says:

thing

Michele... says:

You may not think it is now, but its the right thing, the only fair thing to do for both of you

Steve says:

i dont want to make her upset , i just feel like i put 6 years into a relationship where everything was going okay we have talked about marriage a family etc... and now this hits me out of the blue , its like im in a bad dream

Steve says:

and now we have to go ottawa , how can i stay in a house with a person who i care so much about and want to be with and feel that she doesn't have the he same feelings

Michele... says:

I know how you feel, trust me, I was you in the situation a few years ago

Michele... says:

We did the same thing, and talked about the same things

Steve says:

so you really think this steams from the fact that she realizes she would be okay without me if we where to break up

Michele... says:

Who knows what will happen, it may work out, and if not, you will at least have a really good friend, that will know a lot of history about you

Michele... says:

That may be part of it, but she was thinking of this long before this, she says you talked about that before

Steve says:

well i guess all i can is keep the faith alive michele

Michele... says:

You know she still really cares about you, it is killing her to know that she is hurting you soo much

Steve says:

i know , it does hurt alot , more then i thought it ever would , these past few days i really understand what she meant to me , and now that i feel that i have lost her , it's gonna take along time to feel good again

Michele... says:

Yeah, I know, I didn't eat fora week, so I know, but it gets better,

 

 

REALLY SORRY IF IT'S HARD TO READ

[DN]

I think Michelle is mostly giving good advice to leave her alone for now - but I don't think you will be able to just be friends that quickly if at all. What is the reference to Ottawa? Are you going somewhere together?

[bigred3]

yes we have a trip booked together with another friend we leave in 2 weeks time , my "gf" right now says we should go it could be good for us, so i'm really taking that atleast as a postive.

[melrich]

Hi,

 

Sorry to hear of your situation. I think you have worked out what is going on yourself. You have been together for a long time from a young age and she is probably feeling that she needs some time on her own, to explore herself as an individual.

 

Nobody can tell you if you will stay together/get back together. The only advice I think that is appropriate right at the moment is that you give her time and space to do what she feels she has to. She knows how you feel and is obviously quite conflicted about her own position.

 

Be supportive, don't hassle her but let her know if you are finding continuing contact difficult. Be patient.

 

I hope it works out for you.

[suprema99]

6 years is a long time. If you thought everything was cool it's kinda a mystery there. Also, obviously there's always an answer for it all. That I'm sure. I'm guessing you'll be now spending alot of time trying to figure it out. But it sounds like you love her, no doubt from what you wrote. Goodluck with it all.

[bigred3]

yeah she said to me do you feel like by being in a relationship you are missing out on things, dont you ever wonder what it would be like to be with someone else (this is not a direct quote this what i can remember it's probaly fragmented)...

 

i told her of course i look at other women and think about what it would be like, but it's not the same feeling as i get with being with you.

 

i know for a fact that there is not another guy in her life or does she really wanna see other guys at the moment she has told me this and i like always i trust her on this topic.

 

its just really hard for me to understand, from one minute talking about marriage and kids(well we talk but dont worry was not happening in the near future we both got 2 years left of school).. too going from i dont know i i feel the same way about you, it really hurts me , i think if we do break up it will be a long time before i can trust someone again cause this pain is too much

[DN]

I'm not clear whether you (or she for that matter) consider yourself still together wih problems, on a break, or broken up?

 

I think being clear on that matter would help determine whether you should go on the trip.

[bigred3]

i think personally we are on a break , while she thinks things over , if im talkign to her tonight or tomorrow i will try and ask the question...

[brando]

from what i have read the best thing to do is listen to everything she has to say, and try to understand her side, now this will mean putting your feelings aside and your thoughts of you two.

 

I would like to say you are still in a good position, and you seem to already know not to push or guilt her into anything, this is the exact state of mind you need to maintain.

 

Give her some space...as you seem to be doing... and of course no accusations about another man, or a potential man... it is hard though...

 

 

is she the type that talks about her feelings and thoughts?? If so it could be a plus.

 

hope all works out..

 

be well,

Brando

[suprema99]

Well that's cool, just being on a break if that's what it feels like means just that. Go with the flow now and see how it plays out.

[DN]

Certainly don't do anything drastic in either direction - neither push her away or plead your case. Let her direct the conversation. However, I would say that you have to think about the trip - that could be very difficult if the situation is not clearer by that time.

[bigred3]

i think our relationship has always been open to talking about our feelings. Although this is a tough time for both of us, she has openly communicated with me as much as she can. From what i dont get from here i get from our friend michele (im sure she would tell me , only that i if talk to michele first then there is no point in aksing unless she wants to bring it up)

 

 

i still feel we have a chance because she never techincally ended it she kind of said i need to think things over, and she is still being very nice to me telling me to try and concetrate on my exams while we go through this etc....

 

As i type this right now i do feel sad about the fact i never seen her today or only talked to her once today, and usually tuesday nights we do something together.

 

In our six years together not once have either of us cheated with another person, we have always treated each other we respected , trusted each other, and loved each other. it's just hard for me to cope with this now because at this moment not only do i feel i'm losing my my true love but it feels like im losing mybest friend while she decides on the situation.(i mean at this moment its kind of akward to talk on the phone because we are both emotional about the situation )

[melrich]

Like the other posters have said, be supportive of her but do not put any pressure on her. If you find it hard to maintain that mindset, wind back thecontact a bit.

 

I agree with DN, be careful about the Ottawa trip, it may not be the best thing to do together with things a bit up in the air.

 

The other thing I would caution you about is talking too much to mutual friends about the situation. If Michele is a mutual friend you can be sure that your converstaions are being relayed one way or another and probably the content and context will get scrambled.

 

As much as I understand you inclination is to try and find out what she is thinking and doing, the better course is to just trust her and have faith that she will consider all things when deciding what she is going to do.

[brando]

man i can feel you pain...

 

maybe you should suggest taking some time apart... a week at most...make this a suggesting, and ask her how she feels about it, not that you are expecting her feelings to change, but maybe it will help cool down the emotional part of it...

 

hang in there.

[bigred3]

yeah you are right i should keep minmal contact with outside friends on this subject. and your also right i should try and take a step back from knowing how she feels. i guess one of the hardest parts to take is if she comes back and says we are better off friends. Then im gonna feel like crap because eventually she will be with another guy , and i will be thinking what is this guy giving to her that i never gave her or maybei could have gave her if i have known.

 

she is such a sweet girl and to be honest if we can't be together(as much as i really hate to say this) i'd rather try and be her friend then having nothing at all

[melrich]

Try not to think too far into the future right at this point. I mean you have only been aware of this situation for a short time after a 6 year relationship. Try not to play out all the possible scenarios you will do your head in.

 

You know her better than anyone, have some faith in her judgement.

[metallicachica247]

im really sorry to hear that. if you broke up just try to be really nice and stuff and maybe shell like you. that may not work but if your not just do what ever it was you did that she liked about you before... but stay yourself. shes not worth your time if she doesnt like you for you. good luck with all this...

[bigred3]

it's weird i guess because im not the one with the "problem" right now she obivously needs some time to think things over, and im assuming she will let me know how she stands when she does her searching. I actaully feel kind of better now that i posted her at first i said nah these people dont wanna hear my petty problems , but u guys have been great so far, thanks

[uproared]

Your story brought a tear to my eye...It's literally identical to what happened to me 2 months ago (except my relationship was 5 years, but otherwise everything is IDENTICAL). I received the same lines from her, and I have talked to our mutual friend who told me exactly the same thing; pretty freaky.

 

Now...I made a big mistake...I kept contacting her. Her grandmother died, and she woulnd't even let me see her to comfort her, I couldn't take not being able to support her and I bombarded her with emails, etc. before and after this. Here is what happened with me, I dont kinow what will happen with you, but the only advice I can give you is to maintain complete NC (dont eve be there for her as a friend, tell her you love her too much and it hurts) and DO NOT GO ON THAT TRIP WITH HER!!!!!!!

 

Anyway...When she broke up with me she gave me the 'need space' line. She told me how much she loved me, that I was still "the one" and that she needed a couple of months alone. She told me that she was not going to be with anybody else, but understood if I was.

 

3 weeks later we met up (I needed closure) and she told me she wasn't sure if she still loved me or if I was the one...she said she was happier without me, and that time apart has allowed her to realise this. She told me that I needed to leave her alone so that she could remember all of the happy times and miss me.

 

I persisted to contact her a couple of times. In the end she told me that she didn't love me anymore, that she wanted to be with other people, that she wants to get over me and move on with her life, and in a final SMS... that "she hates me and that I screwed everything up beyond repair". Now, as it happened, that "friend" had manipulated the situation and a lot of my intentions were misconveyed and misinterpreted - that is the problem with having a lot of mutual friends (as I'm sure you do), and everybody knows how much people love to gossip.

 

Anyway, the first month was pretty crazy. I remember the first week I was shaking in bed, couldn't eat, couldn't leave the house - that was screwed up. Since then I have maintained complete NC...I have seen her on MSN and blocked and deleted her, I have not phoned her, etc.

 

In my heart I believe it's honestly over. If a girl "leaves for space" then chances are she's not coming back any time soon, and will want to be with other people. Especially after such a long relationship -- it would have taken her a lot of courage to breakup with you, she is not going to reverse that situation very easily. Your best bet, IMHO, is to just leave her be so that she knows what she is missing. Tell (for the last time) how much you love her, but that you understand why she needs to leave. Tell her that you cant be friends with her yet (maybe not for a long time) because you need closure and she needs to know life without your support.

 

Goodluck. I am envious of your position, I would do anything to go back to where you were. That said, it's never too late, I dont know if my situation would be any different if I hadn't contacted her so much at the start. All I know is that next time I see her (in about a month) I will just be nice to her but also brief, and not bring up the relationship at all.

 

The next stage on your rocky road to recovery will be to accept the fact that it probably IS over (not easy to stomach), and rewriting what you thought of your future (i.e. getting married, children, etc.) is also very difficult. The next stage -- which I have not been through yet -- will be the ultimate in closure and pain -- our ex being with somebody else. I still dont know how the hell I'm going to deal with it.

 

Anyway, at the end of the day, it's the loss of our EXs. You sound as though you love your ex a lot, and I love(d) mine more than anything too. The fact that we are able to love so deeply sets us up for a lot of pain, but it's also an attribute that a lot of men are incapable of. So be proud of it, and let your ex miss you. Don't make the same mistakes that I did

[chinz]

what "uproared" said is true. She is trying to break up. She has taken

the courage to tell you somehow.

 

Just tell her that you love her deeply and it hurts you badly. But dont tell anything more. Move off from her with full of strength in you. There is a lot of good girls which will match you better than her. At this emotional break up time , you may not be able to realize that. But you have to try yourself from coming out of it. The world doesnt revolve around her.

God will give the most appropriate person to you. It is very much true.

It had happened with me several times. But now I turn back and see how

much foolish i were to worry abt these.

 

 

When one is in 16-17, they themselves will not know about their own feelings properly.They think that it is love. but when she had realized at a maturing age, she feels guilty in teling you as she was with you for the past 6 yrs. The six years is not the correct age for a decision. With her good consience she doesnt want to hurt you. You have to take her words as a friend. It wud be better to completely stay apart from her. Because

only you need to get recovered. When time changes, and when you get a

good girl friend/wife, you will think how happy you are and was worrying for this unecessarily.

 

So get ready. Keep yourself busy. Enjoy everything in life.

Keep your mind steady and work out. All the best.

[bigred3]

i'm still gutted, i can't eat , can't sleep never knew it was gonna be this hard to honest