uproared

I also thought that I changed in 3 weeks, but I hadn't. The truth is that it takes months to undergo a change, so I doubt that she will believe that you've become a new person overnight

Do you still love him? I mean, if he could demonstrate to you that he was willing to change, would it make a difference? I am in a similar position to your boyfriends. My ex broke up with me after 5 years for similar reasons (she even used the line 'walking on eggshells! My parents were going through a divorce, and she felt that there was too much pressure on her to 'be there for me'. The difference is that 1 month before the breakup she told me how she was feeling and although I tried as hard as I could to turn things around, it was too little too late. We definitely had a miscommunication problem, if she had told me how she was feeling from the start it would have been a different story, but she felt that not saying anything was being supportive. Anyway, I was very 'needy' the first month. I would contact her telling her how much I love her, giving her the occasional "how could you do this?"...It wasn't so much that I was trying to make her feel guilty, I just wanted to show her how much she meant to me, and most importantly I think I was just afraid of losing her. Anyway, I have maintained strict NC for the past 5 weeks, as that is what she had requested in the first place. We'll see where it goes; I'm using this time to grow as an individual and to sort through my issues. I'd like to think that a reconciliation would be possible, but I'm past the point where it is consntatly in my mindset. I'm going to see her in about a month (at a friend's party), and I'm just going to say something along of the lines of "Im sorry for not giving you space when you asked for it. I was just going through a lot in my life and I was just afraid of losing you. Live and learn I suppose, but I am trying to make it up to you now. I just want to be happy." Anyway, goodluck with your situation, just be sure to communicate everything. If my ex had communicated with me, I doubt we would be in this position now...She has even admitted to me (after the breakup) that she f$ckd up and is angry at herself for not having told me earlier.

Is it possible that you are partly to blame? I mean, when you're back in the relationship, how do you act towards her? The best thing for you to do is just to be cold to her for a few weeks (very cold) and then breakup. If you are telling her that you love her, etc. in the meantime then you are also being manipulative. Also, a 10 year relationship is a very long time. She probably had her entire future planned out in her head, and now you're destroying that dream for her. Just because you're ready to move on, it doesn't mean that she is too...you talk about how mature adults should respect the decision of the person who wants to 'move on' -- easier said than done. When you truly love somebody and want to be with them, they become a part of your life (you know, the whole 2 become 1), perhaps she simply doesn't understand why you want to leave.

Your story brought a tear to my eye...It's literally identical to what happened to me 2 months ago (except my relationship was 5 years, but otherwise everything is IDENTICAL). I received the same lines from her, and I have talked to our mutual friend who told me exactly the same thing; pretty freaky. Now...I made a big mistake...I kept contacting her. Her grandmother died, and she woulnd't even let me see her to comfort her, I couldn't take not being able to support her and I bombarded her with emails, etc. before and after this. Here is what happened with me, I dont kinow what will happen with you, but the only advice I can give you is to maintain complete NC (dont eve be there for her as a friend, tell her you love her too much and it hurts) and DO NOT GO ON THAT TRIP WITH HER!!!!!!! Anyway...When she broke up with me she gave me the 'need space' line. She told me how much she loved me, that I was still "the one" and that she needed a couple of months alone. She told me that she was not going to be with anybody else, but understood if I was. 3 weeks later we met up (I needed closure) and she told me she wasn't sure if she still loved me or if I was the one...she said she was happier without me, and that time apart has allowed her to realise this. She told me that I needed to leave her alone so that she could remember all of the happy times and miss me. I persisted to contact her a couple of times. In the end she told me that she didn't love me anymore, that she wanted to be with other people, that she wants to get over me and move on with her life, and in a final SMS... that "she hates me and that I screwed everything up beyond repair". Now, as it happened, that "friend" had manipulated the situation and a lot of my intentions were misconveyed and misinterpreted - that is the problem with having a lot of mutual friends (as I'm sure you do), and everybody knows how much people love to gossip. Anyway, the first month was pretty crazy. I remember the first week I was shaking in bed, couldn't eat, couldn't leave the house - that was screwed up. Since then I have maintained complete NC...I have seen her on MSN and blocked and deleted her, I have not phoned her, etc. In my heart I believe it's honestly over. If a girl "leaves for space" then chances are she's not coming back any time soon, and will want to be with other people. Especially after such a long relationship -- it would have taken her a lot of courage to breakup with you, she is not going to reverse that situation very easily. Your best bet, IMHO, is to just leave her be so that she knows what she is missing. Tell (for the last time) how much you love her, but that you understand why she needs to leave. Tell her that you cant be friends with her yet (maybe not for a long time) because you need closure and she needs to know life without your support. Goodluck. I am envious of your position, I would do anything to go back to where you were. That said, it's never too late, I dont know if my situation would be any different if I hadn't contacted her so much at the start. All I know is that next time I see her (in about a month) I will just be nice to her but also brief, and not bring up the relationship at all. The next stage on your rocky road to recovery will be to accept the fact that it probably IS over (not easy to stomach), and rewriting what you thought of your future (i.e. getting married, children, etc.) is also very difficult. The next stage -- which I have not been through yet -- will be the ultimate in closure and pain -- our ex being with somebody else. I still dont know how the hell I'm going to deal with it. Anyway, at the end of the day, it's the loss of our EXs. You sound as though you love your ex a lot, and I love(d) mine more than anything too. The fact that we are able to love so deeply sets us up for a lot of pain, but it's also an attribute that a lot of men are incapable of. So be proud of it, and let your ex miss you. Don't make the same mistakes that I did

Well, chances are that he broke up with you for your own good. So if that is the case, you should admire his strength of character. Let him serve his time, and then you can talk with him about reconciliation. Considering that he will be in jail, I don't think you have to worry about him meeting somebody else...unless he's interested in fat guys named Bubba.

Unrequited love is painful, isn't it? It happens everyday, however I still dont understand it. I had unconditional love for my ex, she could have done anything and I still would have loved her...Providing that she was willing to learn from her mistakes of course. I don't understand how it just "goes away" for people.

I'm actually more inclined NOT to send it, I'm probably 80/20. I don't want to break NC after having gone 1 month, but at the same time, I dont want her remembering the negatives. Anyway, I will leave it for now. I will be seeing her at the 21st of a mutual friend on the 26th of the next month - so I suppose I will see her there.

Thanks for your input Michael. Danimal, I never sent the email. It is still in my drafts folder (where it has been sitting for the last 2 weeks), and I am reading it and amending it every day. I'm still not sure whether or not to send it... Part of the problem in our relationship was that our communication broke down. If she had left me for another guy (or something similar) I wouldn't give her the time of day, however she says that she left because she was hurt; as such, I thought that an appologetic email 1 month after NC might be beneficial. Here is what the email says currently: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear , I just want to tell you that I am sorry for the way I behaved after our break-up (not giving you space when you needed it, etc.). Hurt, confusion and rejection can make us act irrationally at times... I did not handle the situation well as I let my emotions get the better of me on several occasions. I thought that my persistence would demonstrate my devotion to our relationship; ironically (and understandably in hindsight) it pushed you further away. I wont go into it now, but this time apart has helped me to identify my flaws, and I am a stronger person for it. Hopefully you will remember me for the person you love(d) for five years rather than the person you broke up with. I want you to know that your happiness is very important to me , even if that means us not being together. I hope that your end of semester exam(s)/assignments went well. Have a great time in Bali. Don't give your suitcase to the airport 'porters' again! =) xo P.S. I am committed to giving you space, I just felt that you deserved an apology. I realise that time must pass and obstacles must be overcome before either of us can assess the situation with any clarity. All I ask is that you are honest with yourself. If you ever want to talk, you know how to reach me. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I assure you that this isn't some impulsive need to contact her. I am giving it a lot of thought, and I'm not just looking for people to say "send it to her", I'm after honest opinions like yours

I never took her for granted. My parents were going through a messy divorce and I was in the middle of it, something which definitely had its toll on our relationship. What perpetuated it was that she never communicated her feelings to me (she has admitted this to me post-breakup). I always knew how much I loved her, and she knew that too, that was never an issue. I dont believe that any hurt I have caused her is unforgettable. I have been in a rediculous amount of pain for the past 2 months, yet I would still take her back. But you're right, maybe she has just "moved on". I thought that my devotion to the relationship would be a +. I have made mistakes, but I have learnt from them. This was our first 'serious relationship' for both of us, obviously neither of us are going to be perfect. I only wish that I had "learnt my lessons" from somebody else (i.e. a prior relationship). I will give her complete space, and move on as best I can, however a part of me still believes that we will end up together again. I still want to write the email, but I will give it some more thought. Thanks for your replies guys.

Hi Guys, I was just referred to this site from another 'breakup survival' community, and I'd like to ask your opinions on contacting her. My (Short) Story: My ex of five years broke up with me over 2 months ago. When she first broke up with me she told me that she was hurt and needed space (I had not supported her when she needed it) as her grandma was very sick and she needed to focus on that. She told me how much she loved me, that she didn't want to be with anybody else and that she knew I was the one and we would end up together. It was my first breakup, and I had no idea what to do, so I bombarded her with emails and phone calls telling her how much I loved her, etc. I met up with her a month later and she told me that she wasn't sure if she loved me anymore, that she wasn't sure if I was "the one", and that I while I continue to contact her she cannot remember the 'good times' we had. A couple of weeks later she told me that she wanted to be with other people and that she wanted to get over me. Fast forward to a couple of weeks later (again), and after some mis-communication she SMSed me to tell me that she hated me and that I had screwed everything up beyond repair. She hasn't contacted me once since our breakup, except the message telling me that she hates me. I understand why she said it though; and I'm going to sound like a prick...but here goes... Her grandma died a week after we broke up, and my ex refused to let me see her to support her. I had flowers sent to her house by a florist that delivers (she lives with her parents), but that was the most I was allowed to do. I was going out of my mind knowing how upset she would have been and not being allowed to help her...I was in bed for 3 days crying. A few days later I was supposed to have lunch with a mutual friend (who is more of my g/fs friend, but is very similar to me in terms of personality and was very supportive of the breakup process). The friend SMSed me to tell me that she was going to my ex's grandmother's funeral with her. That sent me over the edge, as I couldn't believe that my ex just cut me off like that when I loved and cared for her so much...I should have been there to support her. My emotions got the better of me, and I sent a couple of messages to the friend saying "f#ck "exsname", how can she treat me like I dont exist, etc. etc.". The friend told me that I could vent on her and that she wouldn't tell my ex about them, but a couple of weeks ago she showed them to her. I screwed up, I know, but the breakup came as such a shock and I had no idea how to deal with everything. When she SMSed me that she hated me, etc. I replied very calmly telling her that I was sorry she felt that way, and that I still loved her, etc. Since then I have not contacted her, as I have finally had the emotional stability to maintain NC. It has been almost 3 weeks since complete NC began. She unblocked me from her MSN list the other day (I asked her to block me when we broke up so that I would not be tempted to contact her), however I have not messaged her. I have omitted a LOT of details, probably some very relevant ones, but I didn't want to write a thesis Now, I want to send her an email in a couple of weeks appologising for my post-breakup behaviour (contacting her when she needed space, and also getting angry on two occasions). Here is what I have so far, is there something I should/shouldn't be sending, or should I send anything at all? ------------------------------------------------------------------- I am sorry for the way I behaved after our break-up (not giving you space when you needed it, etc.). Hurt, confusion and rejection can make us act irrationally at times... I did not handle the situation well as I let my emotions get the better of me on several occasions. Of course, it probably didn't help that my intentions were frequently misinterpreted and misconveyed, but that is often the case with break-ups. I wont go into it now, but this time apart has helped me to identify my faults, and I am a better person for it. Hopefully you will remember me for the person you love(d) for five years rather than the person you broke up with. I want you to know that your happiness is very important to me . I hope that your end of semester exam(s)/assignments went well. Have a great time in Bali. Don't give your suitcase to the airport 'porters' again! =) P.S. I am committed to giving you space, I just felt that you deserved an apology. If you initiate contact I may reply, but otherwise you will not hear from me again. Please do not reply to this email. xo ------------------------------------------------------------------- Oh boy, that turned out pretty long. Thanks in advance for your opinions. Obviously there is a lot more to the story than I have described, and I have only really highlighted my negatives (rather than hers)...But I do think it's the right thing to do to send her an apology email. Oh, and I do want to get back with her. I know it wont happen next week, but eventually I do want it to happen. It's funny, if I knew we would get back together, I wouldn't care how long we were apart, or if she was with other people, etc. It's not that I'm needy of her, I just truly love her. I have made mistakes in the past, however I have learnt from them. We started going out when I was 15 (and she 16), so although I have never dated another, I know that I truly love her.