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Consistently less communication before and after sex


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8 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

I might be on the rota.

It's possible but so what?  You just started dating.  Are your expectations such that you expect a man to go exclusive with you immediately after he begins dating you?

It was YOUR choice to have sex with him remember.  If you're unable to deal with a bit of uncertainty during these early stages, then wait a bit longer to have sex.

But imo and experience uncertainty is a GIVEN whether or not you have early sex or not.

Honestly I am not sure what people expect anymore, they (their expectations) seem out of control.  This is the third thread I have read where a man isn't living up to the woman's "expecations" of seeing ONLY her from the getgo even though from what I had read, his actions reflected he did everything right.

I guess it's up to you.  I wish you luck whatever you decide.

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Hmm. That's a possibility.

FTR, his comment about the massage and it being an innuendo tells me that he is likely interested in you physically. As for not wanting you to take your clothes off, it could be his way of controlling the situation and maintaining some distance emotionally. Here's the thing, you both had sex, if he was interested in seeing you again, there would be some effort on his end.

So far you have chased him after the hook up, and he turned you down both times. I would let him reach out to you if he wants to see you again. Otherwise, I would move on and focus on someone who is showing more interest and effort in being with you.

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7 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

Also he did not allow me to take my clothes off. I was wearing a skirt. So my gut feeling says he doesn't want to get emotionally intimate and want to maintain distance? 

He might be emotionally closed off. It's weird that someone doesn't want me to take my clothes off. 

So you had sex with your clothes ON?  Did he also have his clothes on?  I am trying to get a picture here.  What did he mean by his "shoulders" comment?  He gave you a sensual shoulder massage with your clothes on?

 

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1 minute ago, yogacat said:

Hmm. That's a possibility.

FTR, his comment about the massage and it being an innuendo tells me that he is likely interested in you physically. As for not wanting you to take your clothes off, it could be his way of controlling the situation and maintaining some distance emotionally. Here's the thing, you both had sex, if he was interested in seeing you again, there would be some effort on his end.

So far you have chased him after the hook up, and he turned you down both times. I would let him reach out to you if he wants to see you again. Otherwise, I would move on and focus on someone who is showing more interest and effort in being with you.

I do like him the only thing consisted in this whole episode of knowing him is he is consistent in sporadic texts. Even before we arranged on date 1 he used to text almost 2/3 days gaps. I thought it would improve after a bit of intimacy but it didn't. 

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1 minute ago, rainbowsandroses said:

So you had sex with your clothes ON?  Did he also have his clothes on?  I am trying to get a picture here.  What did he mean by his "shoulders" comment?  He gave you a sensual shoulder massage with your clothes on?

 

Yea I had my top on and skirt. He took his clothes off. The shoulder is an innuendo. You have to look it up to get the meaning of it. 

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2 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

I do like him the only thing consisted in this whole episode of knowing him is he is consistent in sporadic texts. Even before we arranged on date 1 he used to text almost 2/3 days gaps. I thought it would improve after a bit of intimacy but it didn't. 

I am not so concerned about his slow text response but the other things like rejected taking your clothes off, not making an effort to see you again after the hook up and not showing enough interest and effort in getting to know you.

What do you both usually talk about? Is it just flirty and sexual innuendos? Or do you also have deeper conversations and get to know each other on a personal level? 

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4 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Hmm. That's a possibility.

FTR, his comment about the massage and it being an innuendo tells me that he is likely interested in you physically. As for not wanting you to take your clothes off, it could be his way of controlling the situation and maintaining some distance emotionally. Here's the thing, you both had sex, if he was interested in seeing you again, there would be some effort on his end.

So far you have chased him after the hook up, and he turned you down both times. I would let him reach out to you if he wants to see you again. Otherwise, I would move on and focus on someone who is showing more interest and effort in being with you.

Yes I agree. I made it clear and now it is upto him to get back to me. 

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4 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

I do like him the only thing consisted in this whole episode of knowing him is he is consistent in sporadic texts. Even before we arranged on date 1 he used to text almost 2/3 days gaps. I thought it would improve after a bit of intimacy but it didn't. 

I am thoroughly confused now.  Didn't you write he texted you that night asking you if you got home safely?  Texted you the following day asking you about your lunch?

Now you're saying the texting didn't increase after sex?  Whereas earlier you said him texting two days in a row was unusual prompting your question "why did you text me"?

Can you clarify?

 

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1 minute ago, yogacat said:

I am not so concerned about his slow text response but the other things like rejected taking your clothes off, not making an effort to see you again after the hook up and not showing enough interest and effort in getting to know you.

What do you both usually talk about? Is it just flirty and sexual innuendos? Or do you also have deeper conversations and get to know each other on a personal level? 

He says he is off texting and only does so when it matters. However he did mention about his group WhatsApp with his friends, so it can't be that he is offline all the time. We do have great conversation when we meet in person. He is a great communicator than me. 

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2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

I am thoroughly confused now.  Did you write he texted you that night asking you if you got home safely.  Texted you the following day asking you about your lunch?

Now you're saying the texting didn't increase after sex?  Whereas earlier you said him texting two days in a row was unusual prompting your question "why did you text me"?

Can you clarify?

 

I mean that's about it. No text the next 3 days. Maybe he is being polite but ending it slowly. Like slow fading. 

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1 minute ago, TanyaJo said:

I mean that's about it. No text the next 3 days. Maybe he is being polite but ending it slowly. Like slow fading. 

Is that what you want?  I am beginning to think so.

In any event, I do hope it works out in whatever way you want.   I dunno maybe him slow fading would be easier for you than dealing with the bit of uncertainty that often occurs during early stages.

It IS anxiety provoking I will admit it.  For some people, it's just not worth the risk.

Anyway, all the best.

 

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6 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

I mean that's about it. No text the next 3 days. Maybe he is being polite but ending it slowly. Like slow fading. 

I wouldn't look at it as slow fading, I think he is just showing you where you stand with him.

Texting and communication are just ONE aspect, but it's also important to see how someone acts and treats you in person and how much effort they put into getting to know you and spend time with you. I would wait and see if he reaches out again and I would probably not reply to him unless he puts in the effort to make plans with you.

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3 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Texting and communication are just ONE aspect, but it's also important to see how someone acts and treats you in person and how much effort they put into getting to know you and spend time with you. I would wait and see if he reaches out again and I would probably not reply to him unless he puts in the effort to make plans with you.

I agree with this^^!   And to try and think positive while at the same time remaining realistic.  Remember it is still very early stages and you did agree to have early sex with him before exclusivity.

 

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Thanks RAR!

And @TanyaJo

Just because you hooked up with him doesn't necessarily mean you will end up in a relationship with him.

That doesn’t mean you won’t end up in a relationship. It doesn’t mean you will.

Take a step back and really think about whether you like this person for who they are, or if you're just caught up in the excitement and chemical rush of post-sex feelings.

A bit of distance can be a good thing in this situation.

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Thank you @yogacat and @rainbowsandroses. This was really helpful and reduced my anxiety a bit. I have to take a step back and think if I can put up with this communication style or what I enjoy in this person and it I see him as my partner to the rest of my life etc. I'm already starting to feel no for most things. 

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57 minutes ago, TanyaJo said:

Thank you @yogacat and @rainbowsandroses. This was really helpful and reduced my anxiety a bit. I have to take a step back and think if I can put up with this communication style or what I enjoy in this person and it I see him as my partner to the rest of my life etc. I'm already starting to feel no for most things. 

Whoa slow down -he has not shown any interest yet in being in a serious, exclusive romantic relationship with you.  I don't think he has a communication style necessarily -I think his interactions with you are affected by his level of interest in dating you -right now he is interested in perhaps seeing you again in the future but is not interested in makind a specific plan  to see you at this moment.  I think if he was interested in pursuing a serious relationship with you the way you two communicate and stay in touch would shift to a more serious and regular contact whether text or otherwise. 

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Since you seem to have anxiety, it might be a good idea for you to refrain from having sex with a man who is openly active on online dating apps "trying to find a suitable match" while simultaneously dating you.  

Multidating like that is not "wrong" per se, but it does seem like you have put yourself in a position with him to either be chosen, or not, and you're anxious and uncomfortable.

Maybe wait until both you and the man feel like you want to pursue a relationship together before getting intimate.   

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I thought the texting message was appropriately flirtatious & overall positive. 

I assumed the school mate was a guy not that he had another date.  Since everybody else seems to think it's another date with a different person I suppose to can't rule that out.  

The sex with clothes on seems off putting to me.  

At this point I think wait & see is all you have.  If he doesn't reach out by Monday or Tuesday, presumably after the friend leaves, he's not keen enough.   

Assuming you make it over that hurdle & he does get in touch, I caution you against making harsh judgments based on the quantity of texts.  If everything else is otherwise good, let that one slide.  

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Ok so he texted me soon after his friend left. His text was "heading back home after dropping my friend off, how is your weekend going". He asked me if I can meet him on Sunday evening. I had plans so I said I cannot. Looks like he would like to meet me again however I'm unsure if he seems me as a hookup or a relationship material now that he sent me a late evening text to meet him at his place without planning on an actual date. 

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Just now, TanyaJo said:

 I'm unsure if he seems me as a hookup or a relationship material now that he sent me a late evening text to meet him at his place without planning on an actual date. 

Last minute at his place seems like a hookup.  Just because you said no to that because you were genuinely busy & because you have some self respect, let's see what he does next.  If he offers up an actual date you may have something.  If all you get is another last minute request for sex on delivery (you being expected to show up at his place) then you can write him off. 

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What is it that you want with this guy?   Are you ok with sticking with the hookups?   If so, sure.  Go to his place for a booty call.  There's nothing wrong with it, as long as that is exactly what you are also looking for.  

 If you're hoping for a relationship, this is not the guy.   He's on dating apps, and he is NOT dating you.  That's all you need to know.  

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